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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need your advice please :(

272 replies

Wibhay · 10/11/2015 13:17

Hi there I'll try keep it short but I really need your advice.
I'm 33 and my partner is 40 with 2 kids a girl 15 and a boy 9. We have been looking at houses and found one that is near his children but is a quite away from my parents (80 mile). I want to have children of my own and sooner rather than later. the house we have found is a 3 bed. My partners children stay with him once every 2 weeks on a Friday and Saturday night although his daughter hasn't been since June.When discussing the bedrooms my partner said one was for his boy and the other his daughter. I said well what about when we have a baby to which he replied well they will share with either his son or daughter depending on the sex of the baby which is fine but he said half the room would be decorated for his son/daughter and the other half a nursery. Am I wrong in thinking this is a bit unfair on our baby who would be living their full time? Also my parents would be coming down to stay every other weekend so why couldn't the 2 bedrooms be neutrally decorate so that anyone coming to stay could use them and feel well. He also said he was compromising by having a baby with me? That's a bit of a harsh thing to say I feel. Sorry just feeling really said and need some help xx

OP posts:
bjrce · 11/11/2015 18:34

I know where I'd like to stick his electric toothbrushBlush
But I am too much of a lady to say!

ImperialBlether · 11/11/2015 19:00

I agree - go into work like you haven't a care in the world. Get a friend to call you and tell you something to make you laugh. Don't say who the call is from - just take it out of the room.

SuckingEggs · 11/11/2015 19:05

Hold your head up and smile. You've escaped! Congratulations Wink

IonaNE · 11/11/2015 20:04

Take in cakes/sweets and celebrate, Wib. You have dodged a bullet. Congratulations. Oh, and happy birthday!

Original poster
Wibhay · 11/11/2015 21:17

I just hope I get some sleep tonight :(

OP posts:
mix56 · 11/11/2015 21:25

Yes, take in his toothbrush, tell him you just cleaned the toilet with it
any other junk, tell him if he wants it, it is in bags on the doorstep.
A Clean break,
YOU CAN SLEEP, God the relief of knowing this is the right thing & you narrowly missed years/a life time of fucking misery

arowhena · 11/11/2015 21:34

Yes, have a big old mug of Ovaltine and put your pillow at the opposite end of the bed so it doesn't remind you of Mr "London's Belming" lame attempt at firefighting gag

TheCraicDealer · 11/11/2015 22:01

I think it's interesting that he's basically taken control of a situation where you initially held the balance of power with funds etc. He's using guidelines for social housing re, gender/ages and room sharing to twist your arm- these don't apply in private dwellings, obviously. He's clearly very manipulative and I would urge you to play it forward as to how this is going to pan out over the next month, year and decade if you stick around.

I would bet my pension (OK, I've only been saving in it six months) that right now he thinks you're going to cave, give in, and he'll be sorted in a lovely three bed house close to all his shit to which he's contributed the princely sum of 20k. And he knows he'll be alright for at least six or seven years because as the years tick by you'll be more and more reluctant to leave him or buck him out because he'll increasingly be your "last chance" for a family. Then even when the pre my drops you'll think you'll never meet anyone else "at your age" and you'll stay because don't want to be alone. Fuck that! Wee on his toothbrush and dump it by his locker. Move watches because life is too short to work with a craic drain until you get a station move. He hasn't won- you're walking away with your freedom, 80k and the chance of a future with someone else, whilst he's stuck with a daughter who doesn't want to visit him and a bunch of work mates that are probably wondering how you've stuck him so long anyway.

DearFox · 11/11/2015 22:07

Good luck at work tomorrow. Stop by supermarket on your way and grab some lovely cakes! Staple gun that smile on.

Hand his stuff to him discretely, or leave it by his locker. Don't worry about it.

I think you will get a relatively easy time of it for a few days. Until it begins to dawn on him that you do mean it, that it's not a tin pot parade, that you do have the strength to say no to him.

He thinks your biggest fear is losing him! Quite wisely, your biggest fear is losing 80k, and of course making a big mistake.

writingsonthewall · 11/11/2015 22:25

Good luck OP. This thread has made me smile because you deserve to be free of this tosser and I really hope you now are.

Bye bye manipulative shithead

Original poster
Wibhay · 11/11/2015 22:29

Thank you everyone for your support. I've decided to stay at my parents house tonight as couldn't face being at my flat knowing what lies ahead tomorrow being at work. Hopefully I'll be able to fake a smile throughout the day and I'll just avoid having to see him too much and try keep myself busy. You guys have made me smile with some of the comments so thank you :)

OP posts:
DearFox · 11/11/2015 22:31

Yes, good idea!

When you get the cakes, throw in a bottle of champagne to take back to your mum and dad's. Tell them to get the flutes out, you're all celebrating. Celebrating that you will be living where you want to live and not jeopardising your 80k! That's a lot of money! you can balance that saving with a bottle of champagne.

AmyC86 · 12/11/2015 01:09

Let us know how work goes 2moro.

Get the cakes in for your colleagues. be happy. you've got a clean slate of a future to plan all to yourself :)

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 12/11/2015 02:42

Focus on the changes in your life when you go to work.

Keep busy so you wont cave.
Ring your friends when you feel weak.
Come online here and talk.
Write a list of what you are going to do to move forward with your new life.
Fake it until you make it.

WongTobyWong · 12/11/2015 03:39

How did the day go? Hope you were able to keep a stiff upper lip.

iminshock · 12/11/2015 08:44

I can guarantee his text requesting you bring his stuff is NOT a genuine "you're chucked " message.
He is expecting you to cave in and agree to all his demands re the house.
He will be astonished when you cheerfully hand over his passport and say " going somewhere nice ?"Grin

iminshock · 12/11/2015 08:46

He was onto a good thing with you !! A hardworking woman with a stack of cash who was potentially going to house him and his children in a location of his choice Confused
"and if you don't do exactly as I say it's over "

Cheerio and don't bang your arse on the door on the way out Wink

Original poster
Wibhay · 12/11/2015 10:04

Ha ha thanks for the messages they are making me smile. I'm currently at work and receiving the silent treatment from him :) he's very mature. I've handed him his passport so hopefully he is booking a one way ticket to somewhere very very far away

OP posts:
SignoraStronza · 12/11/2015 10:36

Just read this thread op. Hope your shift goes ok. Stay strong, you're definitely doing the right thing. Onwards and upwards - enjoy house hunting for a place to suit you.Flowers

Handywoman · 12/11/2015 10:56

You can totally do this OP.

Thanks
Original poster
Wibhay · 12/11/2015 12:05

Just had a load of abuse from him. I said oh an by the way it's not illegal for your children to share a room to which he replied "you wanna put a wager on that" and I said yeah actually I do my Solicotor said it is. I said its only under housing associations not s privately owned home to which he replied "well that's only the case of the parents get on and my ex wouldn't allow it"

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibhay · 12/11/2015 12:06

He also reckons he only said about the baby being a compromise because I always go on about compromises?!? Anyway I think he was shocked to say the least that I am glad I realised now that on reflection we weren't right for each other and I'm glad it was now and once we had brought the house

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 12/11/2015 12:15

I hope you are seeing this man for what he really is, an unpleasant, bullshitting bully. My counsellor once told me "remember that just because someone says something loudly it doesn't make it the truth"

A belated happy birthday to you Flowers

mix56 · 12/11/2015 12:21

The key now is to "detach", don't get pulled into justification, & vilification!
(He broke it off remember)

Very lucky escape. Celebrate.

AmyC86 · 12/11/2015 14:50

hurrah to Mnetters for helping the process on :) well done to you too OP!