Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need your advice please :(

272 replies

Wibhay · 10/11/2015 13:17

Hi there I'll try keep it short but I really need your advice.
I'm 33 and my partner is 40 with 2 kids a girl 15 and a boy 9. We have been looking at houses and found one that is near his children but is a quite away from my parents (80 mile). I want to have children of my own and sooner rather than later. the house we have found is a 3 bed. My partners children stay with him once every 2 weeks on a Friday and Saturday night although his daughter hasn't been since June.When discussing the bedrooms my partner said one was for his boy and the other his daughter. I said well what about when we have a baby to which he replied well they will share with either his son or daughter depending on the sex of the baby which is fine but he said half the room would be decorated for his son/daughter and the other half a nursery. Am I wrong in thinking this is a bit unfair on our baby who would be living their full time? Also my parents would be coming down to stay every other weekend so why couldn't the 2 bedrooms be neutrally decorate so that anyone coming to stay could use them and feel well. He also said he was compromising by having a baby with me? That's a bit of a harsh thing to say I feel. Sorry just feeling really said and need some help xx

OP posts:
Itisbetternow · 11/11/2015 15:50

You also need to be prepared that his children may move in full time with you for any number of reasons. That will certainly delay any child you may have with him. If the relationship then ends it would be very difficult to ask him to leave with 2 children under 18. You may not get backyour £80k for years irrespective of any signed agreement. These are serious issues Op so you must be 100% sure about him.

Original poster
Wibhay · 11/11/2015 16:06

:( my heart is breaking. Just received a text from him asking me to take all his belongings into work tomorrow. I guess it's just reality sinking in that the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with isn't going to be a part of it anymore :(

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 11/11/2015 16:19

So sorry you are going through this Wibhay. It must be a big shock. He is not fighting very hard for the relationship is he.

Original poster
Wibhay · 11/11/2015 16:20

No I think that's what hurts the most how he can just easily get on with his life whilst my heart is breaking. No doubt at work tomorrow he will be all smiles and joking with everyone

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 11/11/2015 16:23

It's another ploy to manipulate you. Look, he's managed to get a reaction, hasn't he?

I'm very sorry you are going through this pain. It does suck. You just have to grit your teeth and bear it and (sorry for the platitude) you will feel better in time.

pinkyredrose · 11/11/2015 16:37

Hang on you were just about to finish things, has he now broken up with you?

Original poster
Wibhay · 11/11/2015 16:45

Yesterday when we spoke I brought up about the bedrooms and baby etc and it turned heated. He said he couldn't deal with it anymore. I posted the question on here as I was beating myself up about it all being my fault and wanted some independent people's views on the situation. I have t contacted him since leaving his flat yesterday until he messaged me a short while ago :(

OP posts:
Joysmum · 11/11/2015 16:51

Oh no it will def be the end of the relationship as his heart is so set on this house

But not on you.

What manipulative user he is. I'm so glad it's come to this sooner rather than later. You could have been in the shit if you'd have bought with him

AmyC86 · 11/11/2015 16:56

He's ended it with you! Brilliant, now you've got nothing to be sorry for. Hold your head up high girl xx find a lovely house near your parents, grieve and get back onto of your life. Mr right is out there somewhere and in time you will look back on this and laugh xxx

Twinkie1 · 11/11/2015 16:57

bloody hell, you've dodged a bullet now he's 'dumped' you.

Stupid fucker was laying down all sorts of rules and conditions whist spending your money. He had every right to demand X amount of bedrooms and it be in a certain location if it were being done in his Buck but not yours.

Switch stations, move back to be near your parents and forget all about this cocklodger. You'll find someone who deserves you and doesn't use the excuse of not believing in talking things through to throw a tantrum and expect you to fall in line.

He can buy himself a place with as many rooms as he wants, so as not to break the law, where ever he wants to live.

Original poster
Wibhay · 11/11/2015 17:07

Ha ha these last posts have made me laugh

OP posts:
donajimena · 11/11/2015 17:26

You are going to go on to such a better life wib

DearFox · 11/11/2015 17:35

Yes you've dodged a bullet that he's dumped you. He can't re-write history and cast himself as the victim of your callousness now.

Change is always hard. Even change for the better. LIke, starting a new, better paid more rewarding job is still scary, right?

DearFox · 11/11/2015 17:37

ps, and he doesn't for a minute believe the relationship is over.

He believes that you're attempting to make your point. He has full confidence that you'll ring him crying apologising for pushing it, capitulating fully to his demands. THAT is his expectation. I'd put money on it.

Thank goodness you're off for two weeks soon!! Going anywhere nice? i am not a hairdresser

mix56 · 11/11/2015 17:56

Yes to what fox said ^
he is waiting for you to call crying begging for another chance !!!
Now at least he has broken it off, you don't need to worry about his feelings...
Toss pot

Original poster
Wibhay · 11/11/2015 18:02

I'm dreading work tomorrow ????

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 11/11/2015 18:04

Agree with everything Fox said!

Change is scary, even good change. This is good change, even though it may not feel like it now. Soon you'll look back at this and feel relief, and think "Phew, that was a close call".

And also, agree that he's just doing this to make you apologise for speaking up, then you'll acquiesce and agree to buy him the house that he wants for his children.

Be strong, keep talking here if you need to.

AyeAmarok · 11/11/2015 18:06

In work tomorrow, if anyone asks just say "Yes he dumped me because I wouldn't buy him a house that I didn't want, it's for the best". Then everyone will know what a tosser he is.

Then hold your head high, because you are 10 times the person he is, truly truly truly.

ImperialBlether · 11/11/2015 18:10

This makes me think of Ross in Friends where he pretends he's upset, then yells "Fine by me!"

I wouldn't take his things into work. That makes it public, doesn't it?

No wonder his ex wife is happy now!

ImperialBlether · 11/11/2015 18:15

I'd buy cakes for everyone in the workplace as a celebration.

Original poster
Wibhay · 11/11/2015 18:19

Actually I am due to take cakes in as it was my birthday so maybe I'll get them to ice on top of it "I'm free"

OP posts:
bjrce · 11/11/2015 18:22

Ring in sick tomorrow and text him back .
" you can pick up your own shit, it'll be in black bags at the front door! ".

Fuck him, stop crying over that bastard, if you take that shit from him now, you won't have the living of a dog with him. You have been warned. He's told you exactly who he is.

ImperialBlether · 11/11/2015 18:25

Take them a tub of Celebrations just to ram the message home!

LeaLeander · 11/11/2015 18:30

Agree with others, he is going to be DUMBFOUNDED that you are not on the phone weeping and apologizing and capitulating to his demands. I'd pay for a candid photo of the stupefied Confused look on his face, frankly!

Force yourself to act happy and perky at work tomorrow.

How many of his belongings are there to deliver? If it's within your means I'd just send them to his home by post or delivery service or some such. Or even have a friend drop off. Don't let him maneuver you into the big parting scene of handing back his spare trousers or whatever he keeps at your place. Good riddance to it!

Get yourself some new bedding, nightwear and other treats while you are off work. Out with the old, in with the new.

Original poster
Wibhay · 11/11/2015 18:31

It was his passport he asked for oh and his electric toothbrush ;)

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread