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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need your advice please :(

272 replies

Wibhay · 10/11/2015 13:17

Hi there I'll try keep it short but I really need your advice.
I'm 33 and my partner is 40 with 2 kids a girl 15 and a boy 9. We have been looking at houses and found one that is near his children but is a quite away from my parents (80 mile). I want to have children of my own and sooner rather than later. the house we have found is a 3 bed. My partners children stay with him once every 2 weeks on a Friday and Saturday night although his daughter hasn't been since June.When discussing the bedrooms my partner said one was for his boy and the other his daughter. I said well what about when we have a baby to which he replied well they will share with either his son or daughter depending on the sex of the baby which is fine but he said half the room would be decorated for his son/daughter and the other half a nursery. Am I wrong in thinking this is a bit unfair on our baby who would be living their full time? Also my parents would be coming down to stay every other weekend so why couldn't the 2 bedrooms be neutrally decorate so that anyone coming to stay could use them and feel well. He also said he was compromising by having a baby with me? That's a bit of a harsh thing to say I feel. Sorry just feeling really said and need some help xx

OP posts:
franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 10/11/2015 20:06

Hey Wibhay maybe moving to a new location is where you will meet the new man.
A new direction in that case to find new love with a new man who will love you.
Not someone who sees your money as his investment to do with what he wants.
Throw him back to where he came from.
Head up and move on.
Do whats right for you..
Please don't look backwards and worry.
Invest in your happiness.

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 20:14

Hi DH2R thanks for your message. There are 4 watches at my station but i am reluctant to change watches as then I feel he has won. I would much rather look at moving to a station closer to my family. So for the time being I might have to just grit my teeth and bear it. I now don't feel I'm in the wrong although I'm sure he will give it his best shot at turning it around to blame me.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/11/2015 20:17

Don't give him that power over you. He is completely in the wrong. None of us here would put up with the way he's behaving. You have no reason to think he's won anything.

magoria · 10/11/2015 20:19

Must admit him having had a vasectomy and not telling you also crossed my mind.

Glad you have made this decision.

It will be tough short term but you will be happier at the end.

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 20:26

Yeah he might well have had a vasectomy :( that never really crossed my mind

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 10/11/2015 20:27

he basically said if we didn't buy this house then it was over as this was the best house we were going to find

That is chilling. What a total bastard. He wants your money, pure and simple. Please get rid, you can do better.

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 20:37

I'm starting to feel sad now :( guess it's reality setting in

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/11/2015 20:49

You'd feel that he had won? What? Give your head a wobble!

What's at stake here is your mental health, your happiness, your ability to detach and move on. Would you risk that for petty point scoring with an ex?

You say I LOVE my job and worked soooo hard to get it so don't particuly want to leave.

Imagine you choose to work with him for months while he is being a cunt and turning people against you. Who has won then? I bet your love of the job would be destroyed. You'll dread going into work.

Surely you just have the conversation with your boss saying that you are about to split up with twatfacecocklodger, that you expect him to take it badly and so you would like it to be arranged so you are on different watches from when you both get back from your 2 weeks away. And by the way, could he/she do anything to speed up a transfer to a station near your family?

Most bosses would be sympathetic to that situation. They don't want the shitty team dynamics that would inevitably follow from a recently split up couple working together.

Pumpkinmoon · 10/11/2015 20:50

Wibhay You seem like a lovely and very sensible hard working woman. To invest in a future with someone that is using a baby as a bargaining tool to get what he wants is just totally wrong.

Use your time off to talk with your family about it perhaps? It seems that you are close and no matter what you decide, they will be there to support you. If it feels wrong inside DON'T do it! Trust your instinct! Flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/11/2015 20:58

I hope the sadness gives way to anger. You should be furious with him for expecting you to fund his lifestyle.

You've made a few comments implying his exW is an unreasonable person. I wonder how true that actually is.

You say his daughter hasn't wanted to see him since June. Maybe that's because the ex is an evil witch determined to destroy his wonderful relationship with his children. Or maybe not.

AmyC86 · 10/11/2015 21:00

You need to move on. Your not getting anything out of the situation apart from a baby who'll have half a bedroom and bad self esteem.

Speak to your boss, explain the situation, ask for a transfer.

Take your two weeks, turn your phone off, disappear from the situation, talk to friends and make your own plans without him x he's a middle aged scrounger who's kicking himself that he's not got a bean to his name, but is looking at your money as his financial gain.

Imagine going through with the house thing & then it becomes totally unbearable, you'd end up having to split your 80/20 50/50.

You seem like a lovely hard working honest and truth worthy person who deserves a whole lot better.

LeaLeander · 10/11/2015 21:07

Agree with all of the excellent advice you have received.

Ask yourself: Would he want you without the $80K? (sorry to be so blunt) Middle-aged scrounger really sums it up, frankly. And he doesn't even have the bare decency to treat you WELL amid wanting your cash.

Ask yourself: If his ex, his daughter and you all have problems with him it is everyone else or is it him? (there's a saying, if you encounter more than three assholes in a day the asshole is you. I think that applies to him)

Ask yourself: Do you want your future child to have a father who only begrudgingly agreed to its existence?

Ask yourself: While it is likely you will meet a mate, wouldn't being a happy single person be preferable to being a patsy for such a nasty man?

ImperialBlether · 10/11/2015 21:12

I'd be tempted to send a little rumour around that you'd had a bit of a windfall just to wind him up a bit more.

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 21:32

Thank you everyone for you very wise, truthful and helpful advice. Some has made me lol .
Lealeander your questions to ask myself are brilliant.
And imperialblether what a fabulous idea :) and it wouldn't technically be a lie and my family have recently been passed down a house which they intend to do up and sell in the near future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 21:33

It was my birthday Sunday and I know that presents don't mean a lot but all I got was a bunch of flowers and a card. A lot of thought and effort went into that.

OP posts:
DearFox · 10/11/2015 21:35

The best story to tell people at work (if you can't get a transfer) is "I wasn't happy, I had to end it".

That is something everybody can relate to. They get that. "oh, you weren't happy?!? well, yeh, you did the right thing ending it!!!"

The second you elaborate on that and say "well, he expected me to fund his house/ wouldn't let me work/wouldn't get married/ wouldn't reverse his vasectomy...." then everybody has an opinion as to whether or not you did the right thing ending it, whether or not your reason for ending it was justified .... so for as long as you work together, don't give people the gossip that they will of course be dying for. "I wasn't happy". "I wasn't happy". "I wasn't happy". They can take you out for 5 rondas de tequila and when they pull the string in your back, what are you gonna say "I wasn't happy".

You can get through it. I promise you.

DearFox · 10/11/2015 21:37

Or, better, "on reflection he wasn't right for me"....

I too love the divilry of hinting at a large windfall. Hilarious!

ImperialBlether · 10/11/2015 21:37

That's really true, DearFox. The minute you explain, you lose half of your audience.

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 21:38

Dear Fox thank you so much that is brilliant I will practise saying that over and over to myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 21:38

On reflection he wasn't right for me ........ Brilliant. That way I'm not bad mouthing anyone

OP posts:
DearFox · 10/11/2015 21:40

Yupp. I'm such an idiot, I have had two work relationships. When the most recent one broke up (over a year ago now) I had learnt the hard way not to give people the gossip they will crave. They are only human!!!! But don't give it to them.

Fake an insouciant little shrug Wink

IonaNE · 10/11/2015 21:41

OP, I have just read the whole thread, but even from your first post it the first thing that came to my mind was that this guy does not want a child with you. As others have said, he wanted a 3-bed house for his teenage children and himself, all for £20K. My bet is that your baby would have never materialised. I was rather Shock at "if we don't buy this house then it's over", but it shows his priorities. Well done for realising this and moving away from this relationship, I think you've just had a lucky escape!

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 22:09

What an eventful day it has turned out to be. I'm hoping I'll sleep better tonight now I haven't got the constant blame I used to have going around and around in my head

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 10/11/2015 22:52

It is good to hear of your resolve OP. I think you will look back and feel a bullet was dodged.

The odd occasional reference to "...that interesting house we recently inherited.." "going to be working this week fixing up that house we recently inherited.." "having so much fun redecorating that house we recently inherited..." "Found the most charming antique for that house we recently inherited.." might be something you find extremely satisfying in coming weeks or months. Wink

AnyFucker · 10/11/2015 22:58

At the end of the first page I would have put money on him having had a vasectomy