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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need your advice please :(

272 replies

Wibhay · 10/11/2015 13:17

Hi there I'll try keep it short but I really need your advice.
I'm 33 and my partner is 40 with 2 kids a girl 15 and a boy 9. We have been looking at houses and found one that is near his children but is a quite away from my parents (80 mile). I want to have children of my own and sooner rather than later. the house we have found is a 3 bed. My partners children stay with him once every 2 weeks on a Friday and Saturday night although his daughter hasn't been since June.When discussing the bedrooms my partner said one was for his boy and the other his daughter. I said well what about when we have a baby to which he replied well they will share with either his son or daughter depending on the sex of the baby which is fine but he said half the room would be decorated for his son/daughter and the other half a nursery. Am I wrong in thinking this is a bit unfair on our baby who would be living their full time? Also my parents would be coming down to stay every other weekend so why couldn't the 2 bedrooms be neutrally decorate so that anyone coming to stay could use them and feel well. He also said he was compromising by having a baby with me? That's a bit of a harsh thing to say I feel. Sorry just feeling really said and need some help xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 17:07

Trouble is that can take months

OP posts:
Cheby · 10/11/2015 17:07

OP that's not some sort of gallant act by your DP, it's completely normal to have a tenants in common agreement drawn up as part of the usual conveyancing process.

As others have said, don't buy a house with him, end the relationship, go and find someone who wants you not your money and who wants children. Good luck, please don't settle for being unhappy.

ImperialBlether · 10/11/2015 17:34

He's a lovely man, isn't he? He makes you feel uncomfortable at work? What a man.

I think you'll find people are on your side more than his, if you break up.

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 17:38

Oh we have to break up as much as its going to break my heart but I can't be with someone who "compromises" by having children. I want a man who is excited and WANTS children with me. I'm just gutted it's taken me 4 years to realise this :(

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/11/2015 17:40

The thing is, if he'd told you that on your first date, you wouldn't have gone on a second date. He's drip fed you and it's only now you're standing back a bit and looking at the true situation.

FlameProofBoots · 10/11/2015 17:42

First of all, it's 100% legal for boys and girls to share, it's only local housing authorities that use it as a guideline for overcrowding.

Second of all this man is a cocklodger and using you to finance a house for him and his kids.

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 17:46

He says oh as soon as we get a house then we can try for a baby. I understand wanting to wait to find a house but I just thought it would have been more about "our" house to start a family including his children rather than a house for his children to come to and "our" baby to have half a room. I also wanted my family and friends to feel welcome but they don't seem to get any consideration

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 10/11/2015 17:47

Start taking steps to move stations immediately. Handywoman's advice is spot on. You are on the brink of giving up all chance at happiness for a LIFETIME simply because you don't want a few days or weeks or months of pain.

What can he do to you, really? Stop giving this man power over you. He's not worth it in the slightest. And I strongly suspect it's your 80,000 that he's after.

Go out of town for two weeks, without contact, and by the end of your leave you will feel so much better. If he behaves like a jackass when you return, at work, go through the appropriate steps with your management to reduce your exposure to a hostile workplace situation. And put in those papers to move stations.

mintoil · 10/11/2015 17:57

God he sounds like a total user. He has probably had a vasectomy anyway.......

Please dump him and start afresh. I promise you better things await you. Be prepared though that as soon as he realises hs gravy train is pulling out of the station, he will weep and make all manner of promises.

Print this thread out to remind yourself of all the controlling and shitty things he has said to you.
If you are a firefighter then I assume you have the FBU to back you if you have any problems from him at work.

Good luck.

ImperialBlether · 10/11/2015 17:59

There has to be a huge emphasis on team work in fire fighting, doesn't there? What would normally happen if two people fell out?

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 18:05

Oh I'm more than happy to still work as a team etc but it's him who will have the problem. When I go to work it's to work and I just focus on the job. Just wish he could do the same. I just need to not show him in upset and get my head down I guesa

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/11/2015 18:20

Yes, I didn't mean you'd cause the problem! Is there anyone you can talk to there so that when you're off on holiday if he badmouths you they can back you up?

LeaLeander · 10/11/2015 18:21

Not to make light of a serious situation but mintoil this had me laughing aloud: "as soon as he realises his gravy train is pulling out of the station..."

And you are absolutely correct. In one conversation he'll be going from lord of the manor spending his girlfriend's money on HIS specifications, to dumped single dad wrangling an affordable place on his own for himself and his kids, with no doormat woman to order about.

Stand firm, OP. Personally I'd just check out and would't even bother with the break-up conversation. Nothing he could (probably insincerely) promise you is as good as you can get by going off on your own. Trust us.

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 18:24

I had to laugh the other day when he said "women would kill for a man like him"

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 18:24

Trouble is most of the guys I work with are his friends. He is on leave the same time as me as we had booked the time Off together earlier in the year.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/11/2015 18:52

I think what he meant was "Women would kill a man like him."

What are you doing with your time off?

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 18:58

That thought did cross my mind. Unfortuantly I haven't got anything planned but I have a younger brother who I'm really close to so might see if he fancies taking a couple of days off work and doing something. Also my mum isn't working at the moment as she hasn't been very well so it will be nice to spend time with her aswell. And just invest some me time as I haven't had that for so long due to working every hour god send as I have 2 jobs x

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 10/11/2015 18:58

Cheeky cocklodging fecker. Call me a cynic but it's not beyond the realms of possibility that he wants you to put up most of the money for his the house, refuse to have a baby with you then if you split up he applies to stay there under the pretext of needing to house his DC.

You deserve so much more than this selfish user.

DearFox · 10/11/2015 19:14

That could happen Shock

DearFox · 10/11/2015 19:21

and mintoil made me laugh when she said ''he's probably had a vasectomy anyway".

AGain, stranger things have happened!!! He doesn't sound desperate for a baby...........

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 19:24

Omg could that happen? Where would that leave me? Even if we had in writing that I had put in £X and he put in £y?

OP posts:
Handywoman · 10/11/2015 19:27

I think what he meant was "Women would kill a man like him."

^^

I think this is what he meant. Surely.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

Grin
TempusEedjit · 10/11/2015 19:41

Sorry wibhay didn't want to alarm you, but just say when you move closer to his family/DC the DC decide to move in with him (or something happens to their DM so they have to) and he becomes their resident parent. You wouldn't lose your money but you might have to wait some time to get it released. You hear of it happening all the time when it's the other way round i.e the mum as resident parent getting to stay in the house until her DC reach 18 or whatever.

Probably unlikely in your case but you have to consider everything.

You sound as though you've made the decision anyway to split which from what you've said is very wise. FWIW I met my lovely DH at 36yo, I hope you find someone to have children with who will love them unconditionally Smile

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 19:51

No worries TempusEedjit it's good to find out these things before it's too late. Aww that good to know you met your DH at 36. I'm just really worried where I will meet anyone as I don't go out a lot as the few friends I have are all married with kids so can't really go out the much and I'm not into clubbing/drinking

OP posts:
DH2R · 10/11/2015 20:04

OP - I'm a firefighter too. Currently at a fire training centre doing BA OPS course. I'm exhausted! Reading MN for some light relief. Happened across this thread. I don't know you.

He sounds like a really bad catch. I do hope you follow the advice of everyone above and get away from him as soon as possible but it's going to be really tough for you to leave him isn't it. Does your station operate two (or more) watches? Could you ask to change watch?

The retained service has a lot more vacancies nationally than the whole-time. Could you go retained somewhere else and get a part-time job (if necessary) alongside - so you keep your foot in the door, but get to much more easily separate from him?

I guess you could stay where you are and weather the storm - but it'd be hard for a while.

Good luck!!