Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need your advice please :(

272 replies

Wibhay · 10/11/2015 13:17

Hi there I'll try keep it short but I really need your advice.
I'm 33 and my partner is 40 with 2 kids a girl 15 and a boy 9. We have been looking at houses and found one that is near his children but is a quite away from my parents (80 mile). I want to have children of my own and sooner rather than later. the house we have found is a 3 bed. My partners children stay with him once every 2 weeks on a Friday and Saturday night although his daughter hasn't been since June.When discussing the bedrooms my partner said one was for his boy and the other his daughter. I said well what about when we have a baby to which he replied well they will share with either his son or daughter depending on the sex of the baby which is fine but he said half the room would be decorated for his son/daughter and the other half a nursery. Am I wrong in thinking this is a bit unfair on our baby who would be living their full time? Also my parents would be coming down to stay every other weekend so why couldn't the 2 bedrooms be neutrally decorate so that anyone coming to stay could use them and feel well. He also said he was compromising by having a baby with me? That's a bit of a harsh thing to say I feel. Sorry just feeling really said and need some help xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 15:51

Hi theredjellybean :) I have sat down and tried to have a talk about things without them becoming heated but it always ends with raised voices mainly from him because I'm not agreeing with what he says. The area was agreed because he wants to get as much for his money as he can. I would be happy with a smaller house closer to work and my family but that I was happy to compromise but it seems his compromise of having a baby with me means he can chose who gets what rooms etc. I understand the children shouldn't feel like guests and I would never want that but considering I would be living in the house full time I fee I should at least have

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 15:52

At least half a day in it :(

OP posts:
Handywoman · 10/11/2015 15:56

It's all about what he wants isn't it.

Wonder why his first marriage failed. Not.

The more you post, the more awful he sounds.

theredjellybean · 10/11/2015 15:57

well in that case wibhay....take you substantial deposit and run.....

theredjellybean · 10/11/2015 15:59

knowing you have tried ....i am so sorry but i sense this man just does not want another child, and that is the worse bit, he knows/knew you were younger and would want a family and he should have been honest from the start if he felt he would never fully embrace a new baby.
you sound very kind and nice and reasonable, you certainly sound like you wanted to make compromises for everyone, but if you are not met in the middle in what ever way that is ( and chucking the bone of ' oh well you can have a baby then...' is not meeting you in the middle) then you cannot be happy with this relationship.

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 16:00

Hi ex has moved on and had a baby with her new partner and seems happy

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 16:02

I mean there are 2 sides to every story and I'm by no means perfect but he basically said if we didn't buy this house then it was over as this was the best house we were going to find

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/11/2015 16:09

Oh well, what a shame.

That just shows you what's important to him.

Let him go off and find a three bedroomed house for his family with his twenty thousand - best of luck to him.

Btw when his daughter did stay, does he think he was breaking the law?

magoria · 10/11/2015 16:12

Fortunately you have found all this out before financially tying yourself to this man.

You can sit down and say x, y & z don't work for me. For this to be more fair I want/need a, b & c. How can we compromise to make this work?

If all you get is anger, shouting and no compromise you know not to buy with this man.

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 16:12

Well no she used to get the bedroom and him and his son would sleep on the sofa bed. On the rate occasions all 4 of us stayed at his flat his son would sleep on a z bed in the same room as his daughter so yes maybe I should point out he was breaking the law then! He is just so scared of his ex! When he first got the flat all 3 of them used to sleep in the same bed until the ex kicked off :( I'm just fighting a loosing battle

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 16:14

He doesn't believe in talking things out. The same as he thinks relationship counselling is a waste of time. It's his way or the high way. He's said I haven't compromised at all? Really so moving further away from my family, 10 minutes away from his dad, 30 minutes away from his children and on the doorstep of his friends isn't a compromise?

OP posts:
Handywoman · 10/11/2015 16:14

He is throwing toddler tantrums so he gets the house he wants.

OP he can hear your biological clock ticking. He can sense you are afraid of 'never meeting anyone decent' and he's using that as leverage to get you to part with your substantial equity to by him a house of his choosing in the place he wants. In return, he is isolating you from your family and reluctantly donating sperm, so that you are forever tied to him, away from your family with half a bedroom for your child.

It sounds like a monumentally bad decision. I feel very sad just thinking about it.

This is not love. Or like. Or respect. It's just bollocks.

Walk away while you still can.

theredjellybean · 10/11/2015 16:16

oh wibhay....i am always very keen to see both sides, try to understand the motivation behind behaviours etc etc but honestly...run away very very quickly

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 16:17

Handywoman thanks for that post it makes so much sense and is so true. The bit about half a bedroom did make me laugh because it is just such a ridiculous thing to expect

OP posts:
theredjellybean · 10/11/2015 16:17

a house is a deal breaker on a 4 year relationship.....really ?? OMG...

you need to be calm, and just politely say you are not prepared to buy a house to solely suit his need to provide a home for his children....and then walk away, turn off your phone or better still go away for a week or two and leave him to stew.

Goodbetterbest · 10/11/2015 16:17

OP, I'm sorry to say there are SO MANY red flags waving here that you've practically got the bunting out.

And you know it.

One or two children down the line (or four in my case) it's a lot harder to leave.

You and he need to commit to your fair and equal relationship. Both of you. Together. Otherwise you are settling and all on his terms. That's not good.

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 16:24

Trouble is I work with him and I know he is going to make my life hell. Luckily I only have 3 more shifts then I'm off work for 2 weeks

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 10/11/2015 16:28

Oh dear that's tricky then.
But you have 2 weeks to get your head together and think all this through.

Handywoman · 10/11/2015 16:37

Can you really spend the rest of your life with a man who would 'make your life hell' for refusing to hand over your life and all your savings for crumbs?

2/4/6/8 weeks discomfort is NOTHING compared to a lifetime of misery. NOTHING

You have two weeks to come up with a plan. First things first, tell him NO to the house (no is a complete sentence) and turn off your phone.

Stay on here. The women of Mumsnet will help you move forward. You can do this.

theredjellybean · 10/11/2015 16:37

perfect timing....i would tell him that you are having serious doubts about your future with him, and the bottomline is you want a family home that suits everyones needs not just his and you are going away for 2 weeks to think about it !

bjrce · 10/11/2015 16:41

He's panicking because you hold the control over being the larger souce of finance in the house purchase.
"The relationship is over if we don't buy this house"?.
The " compromise " in having children with you. ?
If you continue to have a relationship and buy a house with this man, he will make your life hell.
Already you are stating, because you work together if you break up its going to be difficult.
You have had enough red flags go run for the hills.
Even if I was going to buy a house with a partner there's no way I would be paying 80k and his share 20k, on top of this he has 2 dc in the mix.
For God sake op. Stand back and seriously look at the situation staring you in the face.

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 16:42

Thank you Handywoman if I know I've got you guys for support it'll help as I don't have many find in RL due to the relationship etc etc xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 16:45

In his defence he did agree to have a solicitor draw up a contract saying I put in more money then him

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/11/2015 17:01

Well, that was big of him!

When you say you work with him, is he your boss? How exactly can he make your life hell? Now might be the time to look around for jobs, though, unless you particularly love the job you're in.

Original poster
Wibhay · 10/11/2015 17:05

I'm a firefighter and so is he so it's not like he's my boss or anything but he knows how it upset me by ignoring me and being all happy with everyone else. I LOVE my job and worked soooo hard to get it so don't particuly want to leave. I think I might try move stations at some point as I wouldn't mind being nearer my parents as I'm still an hour away from them

OP posts: