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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just want a very quick yes or no answer

226 replies

NCforaRainyTuesday · 10/11/2015 12:02

Short and sweet:
If you DP said "you have to promise me kids in X number of years now, or it's not going to work"
If DP said " I see you as my support and looking after the kids and home, and me going away exploring"
If he accused you of being "too independent"
If he admitted he tried to "mould your personality into what's best for the relationship"
If you realised you hid things for fear of disappointing him
And you wake up one night seeing yourself in 10 years time, alone with 4 kids, while himself is away, and you know that if you go one step further it will be you signing into this contract because he's never hid that this is what he wants.
Is this a subtle form of emotional control, or am I totally overreacting and need a reality check?
Please help, can't seem to trust my judgement, except the worry in the pit of my stomach.

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 10/11/2015 22:20

Anything you say will be dismissed by him...you probably have that feeling already. He believes he is superior. Period. There really isn't any way to get him to change that outlook...you would be doing all of the changing to force make the relationship work.

He doesn't respect you. From what you have written, it appears he doesn't acknowledge that you have feelings at all, whether or not your feelings are good/bad/otherwise. Your birthday is irrelevant to him (he ran a mile away), yet his birthday is the next national holiday. Anything you do to please him will be an opportunity for him to kick you down...any little fault (the gift wasn't wrapped) to make sure he points out to put you in your place, put you down, to shame you. He undoubtedly looks forward to you trying to please him just so he can shoot you down. True bastard.

I have had one that would do anything but what I wanted, as on your holiday. A very entertaining contest for him. It is maddening, and they know it. It is a bait trap though because if you complain then there is the proof he can pull out forever more of you being materialistic, self centered, selfish, needy, etc. If you don't complain, then he has effectively shut you up. Win-win for him, lose-lose for you.

The answer is do not play. I am glad you are seeing this.
Your judgement is just fine. It does take courage in the moment to end the relationship. But that moment will not last very long. Certainly not as long as the misery and utter mental devastation that will destroy you if you stay.

Cockadoodledooo · 10/11/2015 23:01

I hope you didn't answer if he called op. I fear your lack of updates mean that you did. Please reassure me?

Original poster
NCforaRainyTuesday · 10/11/2015 23:18

No I didn't answer, I went to a friend's house and was very brave...no I essentially hid until it was unlikely he'd call round. I have my phone off, but I needed some distraction or I'd turn it on. I'm afraid there'll be a barrage of messages...maybe he'll be confused as I've prob not explained how I'm feeling...I feel a bit guilty actually. Has anyone ever noticed how vulnerable some guys look when they're just waking up? I keep thinking about that look now, not at all helpful.

OP posts:
arowhena · 10/11/2015 23:23

He will never wake up to the fact that you are awesome and way too good for him though, well done for having the guts to take some power back!

CalonDu · 10/11/2015 23:33

Everyone looks vulnerable when they're just waking up. It's nature's way of making us forgive people for snoring/sleepwalking/farting in their sleep all night.

celtictoast · 10/11/2015 23:38

Don't read the messages until the cold light of day Smile Flowers

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 11/11/2015 01:32

RainyTuesday , any reaction from him just doesn't matter.
It just doesn't matter.
You do not need to "go there" and try to second guess what he is feeling or think about what he may be thinking. Because he is history.
In the PAST...so leave it there. Yes, even the very recent past, but still the definition holds.

Any response from him, from flowers and the most heart felt
yet insincere apology to rabid character assassination with new levels of shaming will not be sincere. It will just be a tool to reel you back in, because he thinks you have no brain. In any form, it is all Bait, Stinking
Bait: Leave it. Swim away.

"Maybe he'll be confused?" Like he hasn't confused you. What goes around comes around. He won't be confused though...he knows this drill. He'll make an implied remark about sending back an engagement ring that he has not bought yet. He'll be so so sad to have to cancel (mythical) travel tickets that you didn't know about. Poor special snowflake.

Don't have any sympathy or empathy for this bloke. He was setting you up to be his slave. He deserves no such attention.

Get angry. Stay angry.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 11/11/2015 01:34

Oh, and a very well done on giving the phone call a miss. Star

ShebaShimmyShake · 11/11/2015 07:12

OP, he will have seen you looking vulnerable as you wake up and as he dictates to you when you will bear his children like a dairy cow and how you will happily raise them alone while he pursues a glamorous career abroad with you as his "support" (and by the way, he will have a taste of the local talent while out there - it's his right, after all, just like having a robotic Stepford Wife/brood mare, since women exist purely for his pleasure and procreation). Do you think he gives a monkeys?

I know for sure he will be nice and sweet to you sometimes; abusive, manipulative people always are because if they were arseholes ALL the time you wouldn't be doubting yourself and staying.

You're only 30. Please trust me that that is younger than you probably think it is. You have decades ahead of you to live. Leave now and do not waste them tied to a nasty man who sees you as nothing but an incubator and milk machine. You will ruin your life if you stay with him and in 30 years you will look back on all the love and potential you have now, and wonder why you wasted them on a man whose one credit is that he isn't even trying to hide the fact that he's using you.

Stay strong, you're doing great.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 11/11/2015 08:46

Agreed, you did well.

Also, it's a very good idea not to second guess. Actually, it's kind of good not to because you don't know what he's thinking and feeling, not really.

A letter to him sounds a very good idea and frankly, since you said you feel a bit scared of him, can you plan out exactly what he might say and what you can say in response?

If he turns up in person and turns the tears on, how will you handle it? (suggest you say "I am sorry that it's hurting but this is not right between us and we need to go different directions. And repeat, repeat, repeat). Remember, he's manipulating you with the tears.

If he gets angry, how will you handle it?

If he accuses you of betraying him (I bet he's already betrayed you :s ) how will you answer? (suggest "I wouldn't stoop so low. You and I are not compatible and it's best we go separate ways").

You said you are afraid of him. Is there any chance of ensuring that someone will always be around if he might turn up in person, for a couple weeks? (or you will be at someone else's house)

Crinkle77 · 11/11/2015 10:33

Yes it is controlling behaviour.

manana21 · 11/11/2015 10:46

he may look vulnerable in the morning but he isn't, he's a manipulative control freak who specializes in making you feel as though you're never quite good enough, remember that instead. That's not the life you want for you or any DC because he'll do the same to any eventual kids. They'll never be good enough for him either.

DearFox · 11/11/2015 10:51

Well done swerving the phone call. Can you go to your Dad's for a few days and write a letter from there?
I bet he'd come round to your flat share but he might not have the nerve to bother you at your dad's? (maybe)

ShebaShimmyShake · 11/11/2015 17:05

It occurs to me, what would happen if you as a couple ran into fertility problems? It's very common. Given that he values you solely as a brood mare and domestic slave, how much support and love do you think you'd get if it turned out you struggled to have children or were unable? Do you think he'd tell you he married you for you and he loves you no matter what?

Somehow I doubt it.

heavens2betsy · 17/11/2015 12:18

Ive just caught up with this.
I wonder what happened (hope OP dumped his arse!)

DaemonPantalaemon · 20/11/2015 18:02

I wonder what happened

Sadly, what usually happens with these sort of threads is that the OP is talked around and feels too embarrassed to come back and update. I do hope that is not what happened, and if it did, that she tries again to free herself before they get too tied together.

Good luck OP, whatever you decide!!!

upaladderagain · 20/11/2015 20:45

Never mind 1950s, he sounds positively medieval.

Make your escape now.
Don't even think about it.
Leave him.
Run!
Go go go.
How many other ways to say it?

upaladderagain · 20/11/2015 20:47

Oops, sorry, just noticed date of original post.
Sadly it looks as though OP has just signed away her life to a heartless, arrogant, entitled twat.

wizzywig · 20/11/2015 20:57

I note that nowhere does he say what he is going to do, how is he going to keep you in fur coats and diamonds? How is he going to look after you?

Original poster
NCforaRainyTuesday · 24/11/2015 16:33

Sorry, I just saw some of the recent posts- I did break up with him...it's a funny feeling, bit wobbly, bit sad, he did make me feel very guilty, and all the doubting happened, but I'm ok.
I keep being tempted to talk to him, but so far (1 +1/2 weeks) I've been strong. Went away last weekend to visit my best friend, and am just going to try and gather myself up again.

OP posts:
OhBJayzuz · 24/11/2015 16:36

He has clearly told you who he is and what he wants for the future. Believe him.

It doesn't sound like any sort of future for you.

KikiShack · 24/11/2015 17:47

Brilliant news- well done splitting up wits him.
I hope you had a lovely weekend away- what did you do?

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 24/11/2015 17:55

It might take you some months to stop wobbling NC but if you ever need reassurance that you've done the right thing - read this thread.

Find something else to occupy your time as well, if you ever get the 'wanna call him' feeling.

BoxofSnails · 24/11/2015 18:20

Really well done OP. This is still your thread, if you need to talk or vent those feelings, people will get it. You are grieving - more what you wished you had, but it is still grief. Keeping busy is good. If you are still struggling in a month or so, think about seeing your doctor. Flowers

Original poster
NCforaRainyTuesday · 24/11/2015 20:44

Thanks for the flowers, and the advice. I'm very up and down, some moments I feel it was a mistake and that he was just being sorted and making plans. Sometimes I feel like I've never been so alone (my father is moving in with his new gf soon, and she doesn't really get me). I have always been afraid of being alone, and I think he's got me believing I will always be now. Just feeling fragile I suppose.

OP posts: