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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just want a very quick yes or no answer

226 replies

NCforaRainyTuesday · 10/11/2015 12:02

Short and sweet:
If you DP said "you have to promise me kids in X number of years now, or it's not going to work"
If DP said " I see you as my support and looking after the kids and home, and me going away exploring"
If he accused you of being "too independent"
If he admitted he tried to "mould your personality into what's best for the relationship"
If you realised you hid things for fear of disappointing him
And you wake up one night seeing yourself in 10 years time, alone with 4 kids, while himself is away, and you know that if you go one step further it will be you signing into this contract because he's never hid that this is what he wants.
Is this a subtle form of emotional control, or am I totally overreacting and need a reality check?
Please help, can't seem to trust my judgement, except the worry in the pit of my stomach.

OP posts:
DearFox · 10/11/2015 13:20

Call it your 30th birthday present.

ZenNudist · 10/11/2015 13:22

It's good to see that you still have options and can get away from this guy. I know things seen bad now but you will look back and be so glad that you has the sense to ditch him.

I know how it is at 30 when you see everyone else coupling up and marrying or dc or even having kids. You feel under pressure to keep the status quo in crappy relationships, like now is the time to 'settle'. That's not true. Being alone in your early thirties is still fun and fancy free, still plenty of time to settle down with the right guy. Lots of my friends switched to their longer term partners between late twenties and in early to mid thirties.

He sounds awful btw. Definitely ditch him!

Elendon · 10/11/2015 13:24

Don't do anything for his birthday. Go out for the day, leave early and come back late. I'm sure there are places you want to see and visit.

Good luck.

stoppingbywoods · 10/11/2015 13:24

I'm confused by the question but you definitely shouldn't go along with this.

ThereIsIron · 10/11/2015 13:26

+1 for run away

Original poster
NCforaRainyTuesday · 10/11/2015 13:26

Dearfox That sounds like heaven. I'm not sure I can afford a swanky hotel, but I do have a friend I haven't seen in a while who has invited me down for the weekend after next. She didn't like him either.
I am contemplating your letter idea.

OP posts:
stoppingbywoods · 10/11/2015 13:27

Sorry, just read the full thread. He is incredibly childish and selfish. You are having a VERY lucky escape.

CocktailQueen · 10/11/2015 13:29

And when we went on holiday we didn't do anything I wanted, at all.

:(

OP, run for the hills. Make the break now. You deseve better.

TurnWifiOn · 10/11/2015 13:33

He will make the break up all your fault but don't feel guilt, in reality you are also doing him a massive favour and saving both of you from misery,

Onwards and upwards! go see that friend, drink wine, make plans for your future,

Elendon · 10/11/2015 13:34

do it for all of us who didn't listen to our guts.

YY

LeaLeander · 10/11/2015 13:34

Detach and run. Forget the birthday, forget the letter and discussions -- they are just more opportunities for him to manipulate you like a puppet.

Just break away, get back into counseling and do whatever you must to keep him at bay. Or prepare yourself and any children you would let him sire for decades of bitter regret.

If he's this controlling now, imagine how bad it would get if you were dependent on him for your own room & board and that of children? You'd live like serfs.

AgathaF · 10/11/2015 13:34

He sounds awful. He wants to own you. You will be his possession to keep house and children whilst he goes on his merry way enjoying his life. He will undermine you. He will destroy your self-esteem. He will not co-parent, but will impose his will on your children's lives too.

Not many women would want that kind of a life. I don't think you do. So the only option you have is to move on with your life without him and to thank your lucky stars that you have done so.

Good luck.

Skiptonlass · 10/11/2015 13:35

Good to discuss whether children are wanted in a relationship. However, to say X in X years or else is....awful.

All the other points make him sound like a controlling, abusive relic of a patriarchal past. He wants a mute vessel, not a partner.

Run, my dear, your subconscious is giving you good advice.

manana21 · 10/11/2015 13:41

yes, please run and now - don't waste anymore time with this loser. If you often have a feeling of 'something wrongness' when you're with him, listen to it. I agree with other posters, otherwise you future is ending up messed up and alone with small DC and an abusive ex-H that you can't get rid of because you have to interact over the DC. You've got plenty of time to have dc with someone else.

Original poster
NCforaRainyTuesday · 10/11/2015 13:44

He once told me divorce was not an option if we got married. Just remembered that now, I think he meant it as being romantic.

OP posts:
wheelsonabus · 10/11/2015 13:46

End the relationship. Be kind to yourself.

If it was your friend asking you what to do, what would you say? Would you say: he's right, you should do what he says and not be independent, have kids when he wants them and stay at home and give up your career if he tells you too? No, you wouldn't. So don't accept it for yourself.

He's sought you out because you are kind, so it's easy to control you. Take it as a compliment and then change your locks. Let him know it's over and get some emotional support. Unless he has another woman in the wings he might be tricky to shake off - stay strong and remember: be kind to yourself. Not him. You.

Im0gen · 10/11/2015 13:48

Any one of the 5 things in your Op would be a deal breaker for me .

I wondered for a moment if I'd fallen through a gap in the space / time continuum and landed in 1950

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/11/2015 13:48

OP, make sure that he understands you do not want to live with him any more. If he demands that you come up with better reasons, just remember that you do not actually need any (and you actually have lots). His demand that you appropriately justify your request to leave him will, in fact, be another reason to do so.

CuntryLiving · 10/11/2015 13:49

Detach and run. You will sacrifice your job and social life to have several kids, you'll do all the parenting and household stuff (which is a two person job) while he goes swanning off doing whoever whatever he wants whenever he wants. That sounds lonely and awful. He wants to use you, you aren't a person to him, you're a tool - a womb with an attached housekeeper! Get out right now, sod the letter, tell him no and get out of there ASAP.

WoodHeaven · 10/11/2015 13:53

Short answer: NOoooppp
Longer one: he has told you who he is listen to him!
Of you do time what he wants, who he wants you to be, who he is, then just leave if possible, before his birthday.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/11/2015 13:54

Subtle? Where's the subtlety?

The answer to your 'ifs' is that this person would not be my DP.

He certainly doesn't see you as his darling, or as a partner, does he.

DearFox · 10/11/2015 13:54

Divorce not an option!!

Please do leave him a short letter.

Ordinarily I'd tell somebody face to face but he will take that courtesy and use it against you.

Please do go and see your friend. I would go so far as to change your number. Spend the weekend giving it to your friends. I know he knows where you live and work but do not underestimate the manipulations that will be coming your way. I was put ON TRIAL for the crime of leaving my x.

GreenPotato · 10/11/2015 13:55

He once told me divorce was not an option if we got married.

Shock bloody hell. (I bet it would be an option for him if he decided he wanted it though!)

He just doesn't understand that there's more than one person who makes the decisions in a partnership.

franke · 10/11/2015 13:57

Well, I,m going to disagree with everyone here.

Oh wait, no I,m not. Bin him and then reach out to the RL friend you lost because of him. You sound lovely op and you have to believe that you deserve so much better.

Original poster
NCforaRainyTuesday · 10/11/2015 13:59

I'm sad I got to the point where I needed to ask. when I was younger I dated a guy for a while who told me he would cut off my hair if I left him...which I did the next day. That was just so easy to see. It's like I put my own blinkers on with this man. He doesn't like the term "partner" btw.

OP posts: