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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just want a very quick yes or no answer

226 replies

NCforaRainyTuesday · 10/11/2015 12:02

Short and sweet:
If you DP said "you have to promise me kids in X number of years now, or it's not going to work"
If DP said " I see you as my support and looking after the kids and home, and me going away exploring"
If he accused you of being "too independent"
If he admitted he tried to "mould your personality into what's best for the relationship"
If you realised you hid things for fear of disappointing him
And you wake up one night seeing yourself in 10 years time, alone with 4 kids, while himself is away, and you know that if you go one step further it will be you signing into this contract because he's never hid that this is what he wants.
Is this a subtle form of emotional control, or am I totally overreacting and need a reality check?
Please help, can't seem to trust my judgement, except the worry in the pit of my stomach.

OP posts:
Pico2 · 10/11/2015 12:16

If you want to end up reliant on the crumbs from an ex's plate with your self esteem shattered and a brood of children, this relationship is for you.

I believe that in certain states in America you can get men like this with extra wives. Perhaps that would be better as you'd have sister-wives for company.

What is his parents' relationship like?

Original poster
NCforaRainyTuesday · 10/11/2015 12:17

It's been 2 years together, and even at the beginning he would tell me off a little, gently, and I laughed at it, but it's getting harder to do that now.
He does want something "traditional" but he knew I never was traditional, and there are lots of positives. Which I would miss so much.
But then I remember my birthday, an important one, and he "couldn't" meet me for two weeks because he was busy studying for an exam. Couldn't meet me the weekend before, or after, or an hour on the day. We live in the same town, but not together.
And when we went on holiday we didn't do anything I wanted, at all.
I'm not an arguer, I don't yell or shout very often, I think he thinks that makes me weak.

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 10/11/2015 12:17

LEAVE

summerwinterton · 10/11/2015 12:18

the hills are that way >>>>>>>>>>>>> Run.

BitchPeas · 10/11/2015 12:18

dear God pack your shit up and run for the hills.

If you stay you won't be able to say anything negative to him ever as he will just say 'well I did tell you this is how it would be' he's a controlling prick how does not respect you as a person in your own right, in his eyes you are here to serve his needs only. You are worth more than that! You only have one life don't waste it on this prick.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 10/11/2015 12:18

Get out now.

shovetheholly · 10/11/2015 12:19

Run! Run like the wind!

Betrayedbutsurvived · 10/11/2015 12:19

Dear god woman, run, as far and as fast as you can.

Original poster
NCforaRainyTuesday · 10/11/2015 12:22

Pico- His parents are Italian, his mother shouts all the time but cooks twice a day and "manages everything".

Thanks you guys, I really needed to not feel so alone, or like I was blowing things out of proportion. He's twisted me up a bit, I was attending counselling when I met him after my mum died, so I think he caught me at a vulnerable moment

OP posts:
spiderlight · 10/11/2015 12:23

I wouldn't touch him with somebody else's bargepole! Get out now, as fast as you can.

Inertia · 10/11/2015 12:24

Escape while you can.

Once you lose your independence from this man it'll be very very hard to escape.

To repeat the well- worn mantra: he is telling you and showing you exactly who he is- believe him.

BiscuitMillionaire · 10/11/2015 12:24

Thank goodness you're realising this now, before you get married and have children. Tell him it's over, you enjoy being independent thank you very much.

ImperialBlether · 10/11/2015 12:27

And you know why you didn't see him for your birthday? Simply because you wanted to. That's the only reason why he didn't meet you. Bastard.

GreenPotato · 10/11/2015 12:28

It's not subtle emotional control, it's blatant selfishness and seeing himself as more important than you – which is kind of better as it's on the table now and you can say no to it with no ties.

At least he's honest! But he's not for you.

ImperialBlether · 10/11/2015 12:28

I'd be interested to know who was going to fund the family when he goes off exploring. I bet he'll agree with you working, then.

DearFox · 10/11/2015 12:28

omg, my x's mother was from a south american country and she was very controlling. Not just in what everybody else ought to do, but she also controlled everybody else's perceptions. If that makes sense. If she said her middle son was a great engineer, we all had to follow that script. You can imagine how she cast me!

When I met my X I'd been dumped by a man I thought I'd marry and it was in the run up to my 30th bd. He caught me at my lowest. In fact, I think on our second or third date I cried (about the other man). Anybody sane would have run a mile but he was attracted to my vulnerability.

Read a book called "a woman in your own right" by Anne dickson. It covers a lot of the same ideas that I later was helped to come to see in my psychotherapy sessions.

I don't know what age you are but even if it's tick tock territory, do not have a baby with this man. Work on getting yourself back. Work on getting back to the point where you wouldn't tolerate this inequality for a moment! Better to have one baby with a man you love than to have four children with this controlling misogynist who wants you to meet all of his needs at the expense of your own.

ExitPursuedByABear · 10/11/2015 12:29

Go quickly.

GruntledOne · 10/11/2015 12:29

I'm curious how this promise of children would work if it turned out you couldn't have any? Especially if it turned out to be due to his infertility.

Can you have one conversation with him where you point out that women are entitled to support from their partners also whilst they go away exploring, that real men like being with women who are independent, and that trying to mould someone's personality is not what is best for the relationship but is the action of an arsehole? And then tell him you're out, of course.

heavens2betsy · 10/11/2015 12:30

At least he's being honest.
He's told you what he wants, clearly its not what you want and that doesn't matter to him so you have no choice but to walk away.
At least you didn't have children and then find out what he is like.
Move on and meet someone who will treat you as an equal and not as a skivvy or a mother replacement.

Kuriusoranj · 10/11/2015 12:31

Leave, leave now. Don't look back. This life you have - it's all there is. Don't spend any more of your precious time on this. What's worse than spending 2 years living someone else's version of yourself? Living 2 years and 1 day like that.

He's shown you what he is. Pay attention to him and go.

Catnuzzle · 10/11/2015 12:31

What they all said ^^^

And don't look back.

Original poster
NCforaRainyTuesday · 10/11/2015 12:31

DearFox, PurpleWithRed, no!- I do not want that kind of life!

And I'm so sorry for what you went though, and thanks for helping me not go the same way.

I so wish we could be taught how to trust our instincts. My mum always told me if someone makes you feel bad, it's their fault and to get out. But that was when I was a teenager, and she's not here anymore to help remind me. She escaped her first marriage to a total bastard and was happy with my dad, but you don't just get over some things.

OP posts:
MySordidCakeSecret · 10/11/2015 12:32

no. not now, not ever.

Guiltypleasures001 · 10/11/2015 12:32

Never has the phrase "oh do fuck off dear" been more appropriate for this mummy's boy inadequate fuckwit.

Thanks for you op those are the hills ^^

SuperFlyHigh · 10/11/2015 12:33

OP - Italian does not mean anything apart from the fact it may be more traditional role models etc

I know lots of Italian men (and women) for that matter who are not like their parents and are very forward thinking and less traditional role models than their parents etc.