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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just want a very quick yes or no answer

226 replies

NCforaRainyTuesday · 10/11/2015 12:02

Short and sweet:
If you DP said "you have to promise me kids in X number of years now, or it's not going to work"
If DP said " I see you as my support and looking after the kids and home, and me going away exploring"
If he accused you of being "too independent"
If he admitted he tried to "mould your personality into what's best for the relationship"
If you realised you hid things for fear of disappointing him
And you wake up one night seeing yourself in 10 years time, alone with 4 kids, while himself is away, and you know that if you go one step further it will be you signing into this contract because he's never hid that this is what he wants.
Is this a subtle form of emotional control, or am I totally overreacting and need a reality check?
Please help, can't seem to trust my judgement, except the worry in the pit of my stomach.

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 10/11/2015 12:33

Run!

Keeptrudging · 10/11/2015 12:33

If only all men were as up front/came with such very clear warning labels...

Along with everyone else, run!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/11/2015 12:33

Sorry, can't just give "yes or no" because you didn't ask that question!

But - Yes you should leave him. Get out now. Or your scenario will come true and you will end up wishing you had left while you still could, before you had children with him.

Please break up with him.

Eminado · 10/11/2015 12:34

Run forest run.

That is all there is to say. Please dont let this man destroy the essence of who you are.
Run.

Buttercup443 · 10/11/2015 12:36

Run and do not look back.

Alarm bells ringing there, he wants to explore but you are too independent. He sees you as his support but won't be yours.

Oh and the cherry on top is: your personality needs moulding to suit the relationship Hmm

Do you guys live together? If yes, untangle your lives, set up your own account, find a place to stay, organizational yourself and then tell him you're done.

Listen to the poster that said she stayed and it cost her years of her life and she ended up Di orced and unhappily enduring a manipulative, selfish husband.

The one who truly loves you won't want to change you around, he will be your support and you can lean on each other. Nothing worse than having babies and small kids and no partner who wishes to be there for you.

Good luck!

squishee · 10/11/2015 12:37

Holy feck, get out fast!

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 10/11/2015 12:38

Get out now Flowers

SuperFlyHigh · 10/11/2015 12:38

Even though it's been 2 years together you're not moved in together that has to say something doesn't it?

The man I mentioned I was seeing him for 2 years, after a year we started talking about buying a place together or renting - he then said he wanted to stay near his home town (and mummy) or North London. He would not contemplate half way, and I was learning to drive - he told me he'd drive me to see friends/family. I soon realised if he didn't budge on living together areas he'd be stuck in others.

Same re your birthday and holiday - my ex wasn't as bad but was 'difficult' or could be.

Either stay and put up with this or leave.

Pepperpot99 · 10/11/2015 12:38

seriously you need to get out. He is a spoilt, controlling mummy's boy isn't he? and he will only get worse the more you indulge his wankery. Run for the hills.....

ThePartyArtist · 10/11/2015 12:39

trust your instincts.

Original poster
NCforaRainyTuesday · 10/11/2015 12:39

DearFox, I'm 30. It was my 30th he ignored. He's 4 years older. I will look for that book. I never finished my counselling after I met him.

Yeah, that's the funny thing, he has told me, and somehow, til now I haven't hear it right, but I knew it would be all my fault down the line if I stay, because he isn't hiding anything.

I almost went back to him this morning (we had a 'discussion' last night and I tried to tell him what was bothering me) but I've got to be stronger. I can't be who he wants, and I really would break trying, even though I do really love him, and a treacherous part of me almost wants to be that person, because it looks easier now than being alone. Got to woman up I guess.

OP posts:
squishee · 10/11/2015 12:40

He's twisted me up a bit, I was attending counselling when I met him after my mum died, so I think he caught me at a vulnerable moment

This says it all really. Run!

AddictedtoGreys · 10/11/2015 12:40

I think you know the answer already. Run away!

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 10/11/2015 12:41

You know that worry in the pit of your stomach? It's the bit of you that knows the answer to this question. It's the bit that tries to keep you safe. It's resilient but not invincible, you need to listen to it before this bastard drowns it out with with his own self inflated ego.

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/11/2015 12:42

If you tell him what is bothering you he will not get it. Not ever. Basically you're rebelling against his control; what possible reason could he have for supporting that?

LEAVE

Hillfarmer · 10/11/2015 12:45

No No and please No.

It won't just be that in 10 years' time you will be coping with four kids virtually alone. It is that your soul will be dead, you'll have no fight left in you and that wonderful independent spirit that exudes from your OP, will be gone.

You know the answer. Your gut has got it exactly right. Allow it to be your survival mechanism and you will bless the day you stepped away from this man.

DearFox · 10/11/2015 12:46

Wow. You're so young. He probably has you feeling ground down and old but you're not.

Be prepared for a massive character assassination when you do leave. I would prepare a place to go and then leave a letter. I'd write a letter telling him you want an equal relationship with a man who respects and hears your voice in the relationship and you don't believe he can be that man. make it his failure. Of course, he will not take it well. You'll be put in the dock, you'll be told all of your own flaws. You will never 'win' the right to leave him becuase you're not perfect either Hmm. he won't respect your decision to walk away. So you have to have somewhere to go before you break it to him. I would leave it in a letter. He will MANGLE your head if you do him the courtesy of telling him facce to face, which in normal situations would be the respectful thing to do. Not here.

Read that book, it's on amazon. It's brilliant. Have 8 sessions of psychotherapy. That's enough if you are in the right place to take it all on board. You will be ok.

And even if being on your own is your biggest fear, it's still an easier life than life with him. But that won't happen! because after you've recovered, you'll be so much happier and that will come across.

els2 · 10/11/2015 12:46

No, no, no!!

DearFox · 10/11/2015 12:48

ps, of course lacontessadiplump has it in a nutshell, he will never oblige by 'getting it'. He will never acknowledge that you have a point. What possible benefit could there be to him to relinquish his control on you? None, he must never deviate for a moment from the script that he is reasonable. He literally can't afford to make that a topic of discussion.

Euripidesralph · 10/11/2015 12:48

Run.... Run now ...... He's a controlling arsehole get out

MatildaTheCat · 10/11/2015 12:48

Time to finish this. Thank goodness you don't even live together.

He's told you what he wants and it's not what you want. That is enough.

Don't get into big dramas and discussions. Finish with him then consider resuming that counselling. When you meet a nice man you won't believe the difference.

lazarusb · 10/11/2015 12:50

Picture what your life would be in 10 years if you stay - really visualise it. Basically single parenting while he's off having fun. You modifying your behaviour, speech, thoughts - all to suit who he wants you to be. He will expect the same of your children too.

You say you're already covering some things so as not to disappointing him?That says it all. Please be grateful you've had the sense to realise this now. He saw you were vulnerable, you stopped your counselling - he picked you because of this and he's playing the long game.

End it and be resolute. He won't give you a happy life.

DearFox · 10/11/2015 12:50

In the letter (if I can persuade you to leave a letter)

I would put

I want to start a family with a man who knows I am his equal, I want a man who I can trust to hear my voice and consider what I want as equal to what he wants, I want a man who will support me and value me and appreciate my independence, and you have told me that you cannot be that man''.

Make it his failure. Not yours.

Not that it makes any difference really. Just get away. That is the main thing.

MorrisZapp · 10/11/2015 12:54

I binned a guy once for saying 'okily dokily'.

It's allowed. Bin him.

Alexjoy · 10/11/2015 12:55

No. No. No.