I just want a very quick yes or no answer

[NCforaRainyTuesday]

Short and sweet:
If you DP said "you have to promise me kids in X number of years now, or it's not going to work"
If DP said " I see you as my support and looking after the kids and home, and me going away exploring"
If he accused you of being "too independent"
If he admitted he tried to "mould your personality into what's best for the relationship"
If you realised you hid things for fear of disappointing him
And you wake up one night seeing yourself in 10 years time, alone with 4 kids, while himself is away, and you know that if you go one step further it will be you signing into this contract because he's never hid that this is what he wants.
Is this a subtle form of emotional control, or am I totally overreacting and need a reality check?
Please help, can't seem to trust my judgement, except the worry in the pit of my stomach.

Run, run, as fast as you can, and don't look back.

Wow he sounds like a real catch, make sure you hang onto that one....yeah right

He doesn't sound like the man for you. Follow your gut feelings.

An excellent call, Morris!

It's all a bit obvious isn't it? At least he's being honest from the offset. He's exactly what he says on the tin. Take it or leave it - and I think you want to leave it.

Now I had the reverse to you. And all turned out to be lies. He hates independent women, wanted children, likes flying and exploring, wanted someone who thinks exactly like him.

It's his birthday on Sat, I was trying to wait til after for a talk but he knows something's up now. Last birthday I took him to stay in a hotel, bought him dinner, bought him a present which I hadn't had time to wrap...and he made me feel awful because I hadn't made him a cake. I put it down to him being upset because his mum had forgotten his birthday, but I'm remembering how nasty he was. How did he make me feel that bad?
morris "okily dokily" ? No-one could stand hearing that!

Elendon It does sound obvious, spelled out here with lots of sane wise heads looking at all the pieces, but when I posted it this morning I genuinely thought maybe it was just me, and I was just having a dramatic moment.

The best bit was when I said we might not be able to afford kids in 3 years and he told me I could borrow off my dad! who he has never met despite me asking many times.

Leave and try not to look back - not when he cries or shouts or tries to manipulate.

You are telling him what you are like (independent, etc) but he isn't listening because he has told you what he wants so in his head, regardless of what you say, his wants trump your's every time. I really struggled with that with my ex.

I knew that I had said what I was like and what I wanted. It was only after years of EA that I realised he didn't give a shit about what I wanted or needed. To him, other people were only there to facilitate his life.

Yes I think many men are controlling and sexist but think they aren't, because they don't even recognise that if they fancy continuing to have a carefree life after having DC, someone else will have to pick up the slack. So a lot of women don't really realise until some way down the line that they are being treated as second best.

This guy is making it easy for you in a way.

I've done that thing of holding out until after someone's birthday, but as last year was so bad I don't think you owe him that.

Word for word what Purple said on page 1 except I have a dd:

Get the fuck out of there.

For god's sake don't do anything for his birthday. Well, except dump him. That would give him something to complain about.

Don't wait for the birthday, there's no point in prolonging things and it would be really awkward having to go through the pretence of a fun birthday.

Thank god you don't live together. Getting out will be so much easier. On his birthday why don't you go and visit your family. On your own.

Gods sake woman, save yourself while you still can!

If we're honsdt, most of the people whove survived life with an abusive (ex)p would kill to have had a moment of reflection and self awareness like you're having right now before we signed up for a decade or two of misery.

I've been separated for a while now, but the joy is only just starting to return to my life (& that of my 3 dcs).

Why are you thinking that you can't be what he wants (none of us here could be either) when you should be thinking that he can't be what you want?

Let me put it this way: if you stay for his birthday, you'll have to be smiling and happy and pretend that everything is fine, because those are the rules of a birthday. He'll be suspicious and pick holes anyway. You might be able to get through the day, or you might break down mid-way and admit that you can't do it. He will be furious at you for doing this on his birthday and make you feel like the responsible person. If you do get through the day but break up next week, he'll be furious at you and declare that his whole birthday felt false and blah blah blah.

Do yourself a favour and end it now.

I agree. Don't stay for the birthday.

It sends a stronger statement to leave before it really. It is absolutely correct that he will accuse you of being false and fake and a hypocrite if you stay for his birthday and then end it.

I broke off an engagement 6 months before the day, btw. The breaking point for me was Christmas with my family (in a foreign country with then-fiancee) when I had to pretend to be happy and looking forward to our life together but was crying inside. I realised that pretending was far, far harder than leaving him, and so I left him. Best decision I ever made.

Run

I think you know the answer to this one yourself OP!!!

It's going to suck, but you are all right, it would suck so much harder later. Thank god for this place, he's already cost me a RL friend, and a lot of my confidence. I don't want to lose decades.

It's his birthday on Saturday?
Finish with him on Friday, then.
I live in the hills - run this way!
He sounds like my EX son in law.

Short answer, as requested:

Nooooooooooo!!!!!

Jesus. Run away. Run as fast as you can!

Ps, I think you should go to a hotel for his birthday. On your own. I'm so glad for you that you don't live with him. But after you tell him, he will bombard you with manipulations.

Can you leave your phone at home for five days and check yourself in to a hotel to 'detach'. I'm a big believer in the power of NO communication, at all, none. Go where he can't contact you after you've told him. Bring a pile of books and dvds and do yoga, or have some beauty treatments and go for a swim. This really is a gift to yourself, to bin this arse. do it for all of us who didn't listen to our guts.