I'm turning into one of THOSE posters...

[0verNow]

...with multiple threads asking for advice about the same situation.

I'm trying to decide whether to end my marriage. I'm not looking for different advice from previous threads, but two of my other threads had to be deleted because DH found them, and the other is now quite long and things have moved on a bit - so I thought it might be better to start a new thread.

In summary, DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 years and have 3 DCs.

There have been three issues in our marriage.

1. Right from the early days of our relationship, DH has been low-level EA. The kind of 'death by a thousand cuts' EA that sounds petty on paper but grinds your love to dust. This is the issue that brought us to counselling in the first place. DH is adamant that he wasn't deliberately abusive, just thoughtless and entitled and self-centred.

Since we started counselling, two more issues have emerged, each much more damaging (in my opinion) than the first.

2. Financial abuse. (I'm the poster whose DH spent £16k on counselling and lied to me about it.) I just didn't see it - in fact, DH had me convinced that I was crap with money. I'm still kicking myself that I was so blind.

3. DH's lies. He has lied about small things, and (at least) two enormous things (that I know of). I think lying is his default setting whenever it's more convenient than telling the truth.

Of these, 2 is largely resolved going forward. I have separated my finances from his, and although I still don't have access to our historic savings DH has offered to add me to all of his accounts.

1 is tricky. DH has been treating me well for 3 months now. I'd be interested to hear whether people think this is a new, improved DH - or just the old one on best behaviour, in which case he's likely to revert to type when he starts to relax.

But 3 is the big one for me. I don't know that I can get passed it.

There is one event which I'm particularly struggling with. It happened in 2007, and DH has lied and lied and lied to me about it. He was even still lying about it after counselling started. He has now given me 4 different versions of what happened, each one painting him in steadily worse light. The last version, which only came out last week because our counsellor forced the position, involved him covering up behaviour at work which was gross misconduct at best, and possibly criminal.

DH says that it all happened more than 8 years ago, and that living through the consequences of his 2007 behaviour has fundamentally changed him as a person.

But from my perspective, it's not 8 years old, it's all new to me. And it's not just the event from 8 years ago, it's the lies he's been telling me ever since. And I'm not at all convinced that he has changed as a person - given the ongoing lies, big and small.

I don't trust him. I still don't know if I've got to the truth about what happened in 2007. I don't know if there are other things still to discover.

If I'd known the truth 8 years ago, I would have left him. I'm very clear about that. But we didn't have DCs 8 years ago, and now we do (DC1 was conceived in the immediate aftermath).

I'm also very clear that I would not be with him now were it not for the DCs.

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage over something that happened 8 years ago? Will my DCs hate me for splitting up their home?

I just want to do what's for the best, primarily for the DCs but also for myself.

SHL has annual leave today.

Please phone 101 and ask to speak to the domestic team, it is really important that you start logging this behaviour towards you.

Surely it's not worth bothering the police over?

Yes it is, you wouldn't put up with some random person intimidating and frightening you so why is it okay for your H to do it.

He is frightening you and it may escalate.

It's about logging the fact that he is exhibiting frightening behaviour towards you that may well escalate. Do not be naïve.

Yes it is worth bothering the police over. The new coercive and control law covers a multitude of his abuse towards you.

Please make the call. Protect yourself.

Mostly, spread malicious lies to turn people against me.

The people who know you and the people you respect will know better than to believe him. The only ones who will are people you don't care about anyway. "Them that know don't care and them that care don't know"

Use our DCs against me.

Do you mean by manipulating them? He's already doing this.

Screw me over financially. Give up his job so he has the DCs and I have to support him.

You SHL and the courts are pretty wise to that shit. Don't you think that a judge or mediator can put 2+2 together when someone wants a divorce and their spouse suddenly quits working? Especially if it's someone who's been either the higher or an equal earner?

You seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that he may be willing to 'play nice' at some point. I'm sorry to give you more to worry about, but he's not. Are you really willing to live in this limbo indefinitely?

And yes. Contact the police. And if you didn't, leave a message for SHL. And call WA for their advice.

Yy - if you're not sure about 101, at least call Women's Aid.

OP, I think you need to give some thought to the phrase 'Rip the Band-Aid'. Because that's what's needed. Right now you're trying to remove the Band-Aid slowly, a millimetre at a time. And we all know that, in the long run, that's the worst and most painful way to get it off. Once it's off you'll find that 99% of the power you think he has will be gone.

I know it's scary and I know it won't be painless But you need to Rip the Band-Aid.

But what does that mean? What action do you think I should be taking?

Well, from the information you've given us in this thread, it sort of looks like you should focus on two things: petition for divorce yourself, and work on kicking him out...

BUT have you chatted to WA or someone in real life, or are you able to before you head home for the evening?

Been thinking about you a lot today, and I do worry sometimes about everyone giving advice over the internet because there are so many variables and risk elements which are unknown. None of us are professionals and I'd hate things to go more wrong then they already have for you.

Tell the other children.

If you haven't filed your own petition (I thought you had) do so.

Talk to anyone and everyone that may help you. SHL, police, WA, his family. And talk LOUDLY to them.

Stop letting him 'cow' you. Stop retreating to your room. Learn to ignore him and remain silent if he taunts you. I learnt to sit in the living room reading (well, staring at a book and turning pages) with a man either shouting or hissing insults at me. I learnt to tune him out and go to my 'happy place'. At first it infuriated him, but eventually it blunted that weapon, iyswim. Again, this is only if you have no fear of physical harm.

Cow: intimidate, daunt, browbeat, bully, badger, dragoon, bludgeon, tyrannize, overawe, awe, dismay, dishearten, unnerve, subdue, scare, terrorize, frighten, petrify;

Just thought you may relate to that.

Hang on though, are you saying you haven't contacted WA in all this time??

Or done the Freedom Programme??

I don't get it. Why are you sitting in your hellish dungeon when there's support out there, loads of it. Back in the day there was nothing, women were cowed into submission, abusers could get away with shit like cowing his victim into insisting he is the one who files (and dragging it out, draining every drop off control he can out of it); packing in his job so she's stuffed (judges looking the other way); taking custody of the kids etc etc etc. But not today. Abusers can't get away with that today. But you do have to engage with the relevant, gov-sponsored ( ) orgs, or you'll get a 1950s divorce. Your choice

yup. Phone 101 and log what he is doing. you need all the back up you can get and the evidence of his behaviour. He wont play nice if you dont rock the boat, he wont play nice at all.
He told you that he would file.
He hasnt. You could be waiting for years for him to do it.
Tell the other kids
Get your petition filed and drive this forward.
Judges arent fools. They wont give any 'compensation' in a settlement for him having arsed you around for years - they play fair in that way, but they take very dim views of men arsing THEM about, and there are stories here on MN where the women have ended up with all the equity because it gives a clean break, and the judge didnt trust that the man was ever going to be honest in future dealings, so paid it all upfront, so to speak.

No i haven't contacted WA. I'm still struggling with the notion that I deserve it.

Oh over. You do. You so do. Please call them. This is what they're made for.

Over, why not let them be the judge of that? Don't minimise things though, play fair! Be honest and open, and tell the what he's like, what he's done, what he's said, everything. They'll tell you the truth. But do make sure you don't soften things, or you won't be able to go confidently into the future.

Just give them a ring.

If you can't face WA, ring 101's DV unit.

Your H is an accomplished liar, who sees nothing wrong in lying, who will say whatever he thinks to get what he wants.

He will not ever be nice, he is not like you at all.

Please call WA and 101 you need RL support and fast

0ver, I just want to hug you so hard! You DO deserve it. YOU DO!!

Don't think for one second that just because you aren't bruised and battered that you have not been terribly abused. It's just that our bruises and battering are on our souls instead of our bodies. And that's just as damaging as any black eye or bruised arm. Trust me, it really is.

That old saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me' is a big, fat, LIE. The worst scars are scars on our psyches. Listen, the physical hurts I received in my first marriage are a dim and distant memory, painless. But the mental and emotional scars are still with me. Blunted, but there. They still, to an extent, affect my life. I've moved beyond them, but they're still there.

The law is just catching up with that. Society is just catching up with that. But it is as real as real can be.

Please call WA, please. You deserve to be happy. You deserve the help you need to be free.

Over, if you did the Freedom Programme you would see as clear as day you are a solid victim of domestic abuse. You are not borderline - or, God forbid, don't qualify: WA's work targets precisely your situation.

Granted, it was a while before I got the hang of this myself. I used to skulk about reading DV literature, feeling a fraud. When I finally got to a WA support group countless women said they would prefer to be hit any day rather than the hideous invisible abuse. I am just saying what they said, this isn't my spin on it. It was there I discovered my husband was a very frightening abuser. As you say, my husband was too clever to hit me - in fact I used to wish he would so I had something concrete to go on (many women express the same sentiment).

0808 2000 247. Call at night, lines busy during the day. Google the Freedom Programme, click 'find a course' to find a course near you.

You do know he will never file (unless he meets someone he wants to marry). This hell will not end, it'll go on for decades and beyond - why would he give it up? He enjoys it too much. You have to get the heavyweights on your case who will support and guide you through the process (plus once you get on the Freedom Programme you'll propel yourself).

Come on girl.

So, I got home from a work conference last night, and he's changed the password on the broadband wifi. I think by adding a new router. We live rurally, we don't even get 3G signal on our mobiles, and without wifi I can't get onto the Internet, pick up emails, download programs to watch, etc etc.

I will not ask him for the password. I'm sure he would give it to me if I ask, but I won't give him the satisfaction.

So he has successfully cut off a source of help/advice and support for you at home.

I don't like the fact that you are just accepting this.

Please call women's aid today. Get onto the freedom programme and get your divorce moving forward so you can get control back over your own life.

I work FT, so I still have access for 5 days of the week.

I'm also - frankly - concerned that the new router has something to do with him tracking my wifi usage. He's paranoid - he accused me of having an affair at the weekend - and I don't trust him.

I'd rather do without at home and feel safe.

Waiting to hear from my SHL.