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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm turning into one of THOSE posters...

868 replies

0verNow · 09/11/2015 06:26

...with multiple threads asking for advice about the same situation.

I'm trying to decide whether to end my marriage. I'm not looking for different advice from previous threads, but two of my other threads had to be deleted because DH found them, and the other is now quite long and things have moved on a bit - so I thought it might be better to start a new thread.

In summary, DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 years and have 3 DCs.

There have been three issues in our marriage.

1. Right from the early days of our relationship, DH has been low-level EA. The kind of 'death by a thousand cuts' EA that sounds petty on paper but grinds your love to dust. This is the issue that brought us to counselling in the first place. DH is adamant that he wasn't deliberately abusive, just thoughtless and entitled and self-centred.

Since we started counselling, two more issues have emerged, each much more damaging (in my opinion) than the first.

2. Financial abuse. (I'm the poster whose DH spent £16k on counselling and lied to me about it.) I just didn't see it - in fact, DH had me convinced that I was crap with money. I'm still kicking myself that I was so blind.

3. DH's lies. He has lied about small things, and (at least) two enormous things (that I know of). I think lying is his default setting whenever it's more convenient than telling the truth.

Of these, 2 is largely resolved going forward. I have separated my finances from his, and although I still don't have access to our historic savings DH has offered to add me to all of his accounts.

1 is tricky. DH has been treating me well for 3 months now. I'd be interested to hear whether people think this is a new, improved DH - or just the old one on best behaviour, in which case he's likely to revert to type when he starts to relax.

But 3 is the big one for me. I don't know that I can get passed it.

There is one event which I'm particularly struggling with. It happened in 2007, and DH has lied and lied and lied to me about it. He was even still lying about it after counselling started. He has now given me 4 different versions of what happened, each one painting him in steadily worse light. The last version, which only came out last week because our counsellor forced the position, involved him covering up behaviour at work which was gross misconduct at best, and possibly criminal.

DH says that it all happened more than 8 years ago, and that living through the consequences of his 2007 behaviour has fundamentally changed him as a person.

But from my perspective, it's not 8 years old, it's all new to me. And it's not just the event from 8 years ago, it's the lies he's been telling me ever since. And I'm not at all convinced that he has changed as a person - given the ongoing lies, big and small.

I don't trust him. I still don't know if I've got to the truth about what happened in 2007. I don't know if there are other things still to discover.

If I'd known the truth 8 years ago, I would have left him. I'm very clear about that. But we didn't have DCs 8 years ago, and now we do (DC1 was conceived in the immediate aftermath).

I'm also very clear that I would not be with him now were it not for the DCs.

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage over something that happened 8 years ago? Will my DCs hate me for splitting up their home?

I just want to do what's for the best, primarily for the DCs but also for myself.

OP posts:
KacieB · 31/01/2016 09:55

Glad you're not in danger!

Oh dear - it would be deeply unfair to expect DS to keep it secret - that's a pressure he doesn't need, so if your STBXH doesn't have the luxury of much time to consider things. I'd be tempted to say something like "we have to tell them this afternoon, for Ds's sake, whether you like it or not. It's happening with or without you."

... But then I'm not the one in your situation or having to actually tell the kids, and can't imagine how difficult this is. I'm sure someone who knows more will be online soon!

Do you have any RL support too? Someone who can help back you up?

Original poster
0verNow · 31/01/2016 09:59

No. No RL support.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/01/2016 10:52

You don't have any friends that you could reach out to?

Hugs & Flowers

Original poster
0verNow · 31/01/2016 13:24

I have local friends who I know through our children; I'd only ask them in an absolute emergency.

I have great moral support from friends I know through work, but they're scattered over the whole country. None live closer than an hour's drive.

My parents live 2 hours' away and are in poor health. I don't have the kind of relationship with my brother where I could ask for practical support, and in any case he lives 2 hours' away in the opposite direction.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/01/2016 13:30

Please would you arrange to go away with your dc to visit your friends next weekend? You need something to look forward to, to have a break from the weekends and soak up some support and relaxation.

Original poster
0verNow · 31/01/2016 13:46

Not a hope. He would go absolutely mental. I am genuinely scared about what he might do if I tried that. Genuinely.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 31/01/2016 13:54

If I were you I would phone 101 and run all of this past them. Seriously. You are now in fear.

Original poster
0verNow · 31/01/2016 13:57

I'm going to email my SHL tomorrow.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 31/01/2016 13:58

IIRC you have filed for divorce - how is that proceeding.
You need to tell the other 2 children - it is not up to him to decide - he has had plenty of time to decide how to deal with this and he is basically ignoring it in the hope you will just forget about it.
HE can ignore it as much as possible, but the divorce will proceed at its own pace and eventually the decisions will be taken out of his hands. But if he is being physically intimidating, if he is being financially abusive, if he is threatening and frightening you, then that is now illegal and you could get a non mol or occupation order

Original poster
0verNow · 31/01/2016 14:18

He won't let me divorce him; he has graciously agreed to divorce me. I'm still waiting for the draft divorce petition from his lawyer.

OP posts:
Original poster
0verNow · 31/01/2016 14:19

He will totally deny that he's done anything to make me feel intimidated.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/01/2016 14:20

Yes email SHL and yes also phone 101 and ask to speak to their domestic violence team (not sure if they are still called that going back about 8 years now) they will be able to advise you and it means you are on their radar as someone at risk and fearful.

How was his behaviour yesterday and this morning, is he still being intimidating?

AcrossthePond55 · 31/01/2016 14:25

He's so angry because you've taken his power from him. You need to try very hard not to give any back. And that's what he's trying to do through intimidation. Only you know him, I don't. You say you worry about him 'going mental'. I understand. I've had a man 1 foot taller and 100 lbs heavier screaming 6 inches from my face. But I stood my ground because I knew, angry as he was, that he'd never hit me. Unless you feel you are in physical danger, you need to go about your business. And the other children need to be told. I wouldn't be surprised if DS1 hasn't told them already. Please talk to the police. Emotional Abuse is now considered 'abuse' for all intents and purposes.

Based on what you've said about friends/family being far away, do you think it might be in your best interest to consider being the one to leave (with your SHL's ok)? If you are truly so far from any outside sources of support perhaps you may want to consider moving closer to them? Are you holding on in order to keep the house? For your job? If the former, talk to your SHL about wanting to be closer to family as a valid grounds NOT to give up any share of the house, or the house itself. If the latter, does your job have offices elsewhere? Would you be eligible for some type of hardship transfer?

And yes, tell your SHL that you need the divorce to move as swiftly as possible.

petalsandstars · 31/01/2016 14:36

Disclaimer- but from what I've heard isn't it the case where if you are the petitioner you get to set the timescales? Ie if he doesn't really want to divorce he can fanny about and slow proceedings way down. And you can't apply for absolutely or nisi - as he would have to do it.

Please someone correct me if that's wrong but I think you'd be in a much better position to do unreasonable behaviour yourself.

especially given his past history of not wanting separate / financial /emotional abuse which is a crime

Jux · 31/01/2016 18:30

Please call 101 and talk it over with the DV unit. I am concerned that he has started behaviours which are threatening and violent. Blocking you, using his size to intimidate you; you need to report this, at least to WA, but also to 101. Yes, let your SHL know, but that's not the priority, WA and 101 are.

He can't stop you divorcing him, btw. Especially if you've already started it. That's just a silly "I'm bigger than you" taunt. Let him think it, keep your own counsel, but continue with your process. If you leave it to him, you'll still be where you are now in 10 years' time.

KacieB · 31/01/2016 18:58

Oh over, that's seriously worrying. I hope you get some good advice from your lawyer tomorrow, and that you keep strong for now. Thanks

AmIbeingTreasonable · 31/01/2016 19:15

"He won't let me divorce him", you can and should divorce him. He doesn't get to call the shots anymore, it's not his decision, him saying that is just more intimidation and trying to put you back under the thumb. Continue with your divorce and call the womens aid etc for advice.

amarmai · 31/01/2016 19:36

he has controlled you by lying and manipulation thus far. Now you have shown that he no longer can. So he is turning to physical intimidation. Do not underestimate the threat of violence op. Call the police for advice and notify your brother and anyone else that he is now out in the open with physical threats. better safe than sorry. I'd get out with the dcc if you can or get the police to come and escort you all safely .

AcrossthePond55 · 31/01/2016 19:58

He may be able to delay things, but he cannot stop the divorce.

Also, if you haven't already, please start a diary to log every single instance of intimidation and what brought it on;

"1/30/16 stbx learnt that children have been informed. Blocked hallway by assuming intimidating physical stance and would not allow me by. Forced to retreat to room and lock door. Stbx states that he will not permit me to divorce him".

Every little instance of rudeness or intimidation needs to be recorded. Even "Pass me the sugar please", "Get it your fucking self".

pocketsaviour · 31/01/2016 20:51

I'm going to have to stop following this thread now as I'm finding it very reminiscent of my past experiences. Please OP please get some solid help to keep yourself and the DC safe. Leaving is the most dangerous time. Please don't underestimate his threat level.

springydaffs · 31/01/2016 21:00

What are you afraid he will do?

AcrossthePond55 · 31/01/2016 21:20

Flowers pocket and peace to you.

But pocket is also right in that leaving often does cause escalation of behaviour. Which is why you need to document everything and talk to your SHL about the possibility of either getting him forced out or leaving yourself.

Original poster
0verNow · 01/02/2016 07:51

Flowers Pocket. Thank you for all your support.

I've emailed my SHL.

OP posts:
Original poster
0verNow · 01/02/2016 07:54

What are you afraid he will do?

Mostly, spread malicious lies to turn people against me. Use our DCs against me. Screw me over financially. Give up his job so he has the DCs and I have to support him.

I think he will do all that, and more, if I provoke him.

I think he's much too clever to hit me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/02/2016 12:19

Can you scrape the money together to leave with the DC and rent somewhere if need be?

Hope the SHL gets back to you asap, ring him/her and keep ringing until they respond - it is often those who harass that get their stuff dealt with as they are so often very busy.