I'm turning into one of THOSE posters...

[0verNow]

...with multiple threads asking for advice about the same situation.

I'm trying to decide whether to end my marriage. I'm not looking for different advice from previous threads, but two of my other threads had to be deleted because DH found them, and the other is now quite long and things have moved on a bit - so I thought it might be better to start a new thread.

In summary, DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 years and have 3 DCs.

There have been three issues in our marriage.

1. Right from the early days of our relationship, DH has been low-level EA. The kind of 'death by a thousand cuts' EA that sounds petty on paper but grinds your love to dust. This is the issue that brought us to counselling in the first place. DH is adamant that he wasn't deliberately abusive, just thoughtless and entitled and self-centred.

Since we started counselling, two more issues have emerged, each much more damaging (in my opinion) than the first.

2. Financial abuse. (I'm the poster whose DH spent £16k on counselling and lied to me about it.) I just didn't see it - in fact, DH had me convinced that I was crap with money. I'm still kicking myself that I was so blind.

3. DH's lies. He has lied about small things, and (at least) two enormous things (that I know of). I think lying is his default setting whenever it's more convenient than telling the truth.

Of these, 2 is largely resolved going forward. I have separated my finances from his, and although I still don't have access to our historic savings DH has offered to add me to all of his accounts.

1 is tricky. DH has been treating me well for 3 months now. I'd be interested to hear whether people think this is a new, improved DH - or just the old one on best behaviour, in which case he's likely to revert to type when he starts to relax.

But 3 is the big one for me. I don't know that I can get passed it.

There is one event which I'm particularly struggling with. It happened in 2007, and DH has lied and lied and lied to me about it. He was even still lying about it after counselling started. He has now given me 4 different versions of what happened, each one painting him in steadily worse light. The last version, which only came out last week because our counsellor forced the position, involved him covering up behaviour at work which was gross misconduct at best, and possibly criminal.

DH says that it all happened more than 8 years ago, and that living through the consequences of his 2007 behaviour has fundamentally changed him as a person.

But from my perspective, it's not 8 years old, it's all new to me. And it's not just the event from 8 years ago, it's the lies he's been telling me ever since. And I'm not at all convinced that he has changed as a person - given the ongoing lies, big and small.

I don't trust him. I still don't know if I've got to the truth about what happened in 2007. I don't know if there are other things still to discover.

If I'd known the truth 8 years ago, I would have left him. I'm very clear about that. But we didn't have DCs 8 years ago, and now we do (DC1 was conceived in the immediate aftermath).

I'm also very clear that I would not be with him now were it not for the DCs.

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage over something that happened 8 years ago? Will my DCs hate me for splitting up their home?

I just want to do what's for the best, primarily for the DCs but also for myself.

Civility over Christmas aside - i wouldn't expect this anyway, the childcare in Jan would be the sticking point. My gut says file it and stick to your word, but I'd see if you can get back up childcare in place if you need it just in case when he is a twat. Whether that's a combination of babysitter/night nanny/ friends. If you made enquiries between now and mon/Tues, then could still file before Christmas. Otherwise hold off just long enough for him to do the childcare before he is notified that it's filed.

Whatever suits you best

Glad you're keeping well Over.

Honestly? I'd go ahead and file, and keep up forced civilities on your end, but I can see why you're hesitating.

You've given him a deadline and told him the consequences. He already knows it's happening and he's trying to delay it by ignoring it. For his sake too there's no point delaying it further, I don't think.

Can you arrange backup childcare if he flounces or sulks in January? (Not that you should have to, they're his kids too). Invest some joint money into a babysitter?

However, Carcass is usually spot on so might know best.

Go ahead and file - with it being xmas i doubt very much he'd receive the letter saying this until after xmas anyway as most of the local divorce units and courts wont be open. My DP filed November 11th for the Nisi after receiving ack of service (2 yr consent no financial orders etc) and received letter 3rd Dec saying Nisi wont be read until 21st January so its quite a wait. That was DIY divorce though so no solicitors in the middle either
End of day its a divorce and there will always be an excuse for it never to be a good time so its best done and then the dust can settle. Good luck :)

Hi over. I am late to your party but am pretty much at the same stage of affairs as you. Maybe a week or two ahead. I too have an EA DH. He is also a functioning alcoholic ( he can't see that), compulsive liar and and. I completely empathise with your reticence about sending the units divorce papers. I sent mine three weeks ago and he put them straight in the bin without opening. Then my SHL sent a letter exhaling the process which also went in bin unread. So last Sunday I had to move to next stage which was to have the papers served whilst he was arriving at local sports centre. My goodness I was so frightened awaiting his reaction. He came straight to where I was watching DC play football and thrust the papers at me (unopened) calling me an f**ing cockroach. He too has not told any of his friends or his parents. To do so would be to acknowledge this is real. So that's a brief summary of my back story. I falter just like you and also need help to stay strong. God this is tough. So keep going. I am convinced that at some point he will wake up and smell the coffee.

However, Carcass is usually spot on so might know best

I read a book recently that used a rowing analogy. Basically. I can only control my own boat and should not worry about what the other boat is doing. This keeps me going when unsure what to do next. Don't let your DH in your boat and don't worry about his boat. Don't let him keep dictating your next steps Over. You can do this.

I've just emailed my SHL and confirmed she should move on to the next phase on Monday, assuming she hasn't heard back from him by then. Thank you all.

Good for you. I just filled out my forms for decree nisi to get them to the court for early next week.

Not sure if this is relevant to you also. In parallel to getting the divorce paperwork I have asked SHL To apply for a first court appointment in the finance side. As DH is refusing to engage or even acknowledge this is happening he is equally refusing to discuss anything to do with our finances. So in effect holding me to ransom as I can't even put the house in the market. SHL tells me that the court will receive my application and issue an "automatic timetable" which will have a first Court date in 16 weeks. 4 weeks before that we will both be required to exchange form E. Even if DH is still not engaging then he will be in breach of the cost order if he does not comply facing a fine or worse for contempt. SHL also tells me that I won't get any order at this first appt the absolute earliest will be another 12 weeks from then. So could be months before I can even market the house. He could come to his senses and negotiate before then of course and then we can make an agreement for a consent order and stop this other process. But I am not going to allow him to hold me to ransom and just do nothing but hope he will change his mind and negotiate. Reading your story I thought there are some parallels with your DH wanting to control timelines. So. I am controlling my own boat and not worrying about his! Two separate process though. Divocrce and financial order.

Anyone else have similar experiences?

0ver, I think you should read ican's* post carefully. I have a feeling that you're in for this, too. You need to be prepared that this will probably not go as smoothly as you'd like and it's best to be prepared.

Your SHL will handle the 'dirty work', but you need to prepare yourself financially. Have you spoken to SHL about transferring a portion of 'family' funds in to a sole account to tide you over?

So tonight I told the DCs that I wouldn't be sleeping at home on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or Boxing Day nights. I explained that Daddy and I are now sleeping in separate rooms (only DC1 asked why; I said it was between grown-ups and not a matter for children, which he accepted), and that Grandma and Grandad need my room when they stay, but I would still see lots of them each day. They were all absolutely fine.

STBXH didn't feel up to explaining it together, which was fine. I'm pretty sure he still hasn't told his parents, despite the fact they're arriving on Christmas Eve... I truly think he's being cruel to them.

But do the DCs understand that you and DH soon won't be living in the same house? Or do they just think that Mummy is staying 'elsewhere' to make room for the grandparents?

Honestly, I'd email them myself or text and say something like "I'm sure 'stbx' has already told you why I won't be around much when you are here. I understand that our impending divorce might make things feel a bit awkward but I hope that we will be able to enjoy these last holidays together with the children." Or some such. Something that seems to take for granted that he has talked to them and that you are just anxious that there be no 'upset' in front of the children and that you are ready to be 'friends'.

I think it is so, so unfair of him to allow his parents to walk unknowingly into this situation and then leaving you to deal with it. Don't you think they'll be asking you why you are leaving to go to the hotel? And how awful for you to have to explain it to them then and there, possibly in front of the DC! And mark my words, he'll leave you to do the explaining!

Tell them now and let him deal with the fallout before Thursday!

He has just sent me an email saying firstly that he's going to drive to his parents' tomorrow to tell them face to face, and secondly forwarding me an email he's just sent to my SHL rejecting my grounds for divorce and proposing his own alternatives.

I'll speak to my SHL tomorrow, but frankly if it gets me what I want - divorcing quickly - then I'll give it serious thought.

His email to my SHL confirms he hasn't yet got his own lawyer (and some of the statements in it show errors in his understanding of the legal aspects). I suspect he thinks that him divorcing me, as opposed to me divorcing him, would put him on a better footing in terms of agreeing the finances and arrangements for the DCs.... And my SHL assures me that neither take account of who is at fault.

That is my understanding, too, Over.

Out of interest, what are his grounds for divorcing you? Not staying in your box servicing him, having the odd need of your own, putting the children first?

Adultery. I had a ONS in July. I'm truly not proud of that.

I truly think he's being cruel to them.

His/their boat, as ican says. Keep rowing your own boat. Well done

Well he's running out of time to use that as a reason, only got 6 months since he found out about it...

The only issue with him using that is he will ensure your dc know that is the only reason why you are divorcing and that it is all your fault. Just be aware that he is going to drag your name through mud as much as possible rather than admit or accept his behaviour has been unreasonable.

And so Mr Weepy Don't Leave Me vanishes and Mr Vindictive appears. Just as I said would happen. 0ver, you're going to need to gird your loins. Now is the time to really start to watch everything closely, especially the finances.

As Bette Davis said; "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy flight".

He's told his parents. I don't think he stuck to quite our agreed line - as far as I can tell he told them I was unhappy and have left him (the agreed line was: faults on both sides/both very sad/trying to stay amicable as possible).

He says they're "torn up". They may or may not be coming for Christmas. (I suspect this is him being controlling - he wants me unsure where I'm staying, home or hotel.)

I know he's going to drag my name through the mud. No matter what happens. I'm willing to agree to being divorced for adultery if it gets us divorced more quickly.

He found out on 1 August, so he does have a timing issue.

Well, naturally they're torn up. Most parents would be regardless of the circumstances. Don't let him try to guilt you or make you feel that you are responsible for his parents feelings. He did this himself.

And try not to worry about what he did or did not tell them. In the long run it doesn't make any difference as they will be your ex-inlaws at some point in the future. Of course you'll want to have a cordial relationship with them for the sake of the children, but you're not going to have to see them any more than you want to, or not at all.

As far as dragging your name through the mud, this is the 21st century. No one's going to make you wear a scarlet 'A' sewn to your chest. I don't approve of infidelity, but my opinion of your ONS should mean less than zilch to you. I'm a random person on the internet who likes to dispense advice . It's between you and your conscience and the rest of the world can stick it!

Don't ask him about his parent's plans. That's what he wants, to keep you on a string asking him for information. It's a power trip for him. IIRC you already have a reservation, just keep it if you can. You may want or need a place of refuge even if they don't come.

Oh, I'm definitely sticking to my hotel plans. I'm looking forward to the space and time to reflect.

I just wish he'd had the guts to tell his parents earlier so that they had more time to adjust.

I'm so tempted to accept his offer of divorcing me, but not mention the time limit. See if he discovers it for himself.