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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm turning into one of THOSE posters...

868 replies

0verNow · 09/11/2015 06:26

...with multiple threads asking for advice about the same situation.

I'm trying to decide whether to end my marriage. I'm not looking for different advice from previous threads, but two of my other threads had to be deleted because DH found them, and the other is now quite long and things have moved on a bit - so I thought it might be better to start a new thread.

In summary, DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 years and have 3 DCs.

There have been three issues in our marriage.

1. Right from the early days of our relationship, DH has been low-level EA. The kind of 'death by a thousand cuts' EA that sounds petty on paper but grinds your love to dust. This is the issue that brought us to counselling in the first place. DH is adamant that he wasn't deliberately abusive, just thoughtless and entitled and self-centred.

Since we started counselling, two more issues have emerged, each much more damaging (in my opinion) than the first.

2. Financial abuse. (I'm the poster whose DH spent £16k on counselling and lied to me about it.) I just didn't see it - in fact, DH had me convinced that I was crap with money. I'm still kicking myself that I was so blind.

3. DH's lies. He has lied about small things, and (at least) two enormous things (that I know of). I think lying is his default setting whenever it's more convenient than telling the truth.

Of these, 2 is largely resolved going forward. I have separated my finances from his, and although I still don't have access to our historic savings DH has offered to add me to all of his accounts.

1 is tricky. DH has been treating me well for 3 months now. I'd be interested to hear whether people think this is a new, improved DH - or just the old one on best behaviour, in which case he's likely to revert to type when he starts to relax.

But 3 is the big one for me. I don't know that I can get passed it.

There is one event which I'm particularly struggling with. It happened in 2007, and DH has lied and lied and lied to me about it. He was even still lying about it after counselling started. He has now given me 4 different versions of what happened, each one painting him in steadily worse light. The last version, which only came out last week because our counsellor forced the position, involved him covering up behaviour at work which was gross misconduct at best, and possibly criminal.

DH says that it all happened more than 8 years ago, and that living through the consequences of his 2007 behaviour has fundamentally changed him as a person.

But from my perspective, it's not 8 years old, it's all new to me. And it's not just the event from 8 years ago, it's the lies he's been telling me ever since. And I'm not at all convinced that he has changed as a person - given the ongoing lies, big and small.

I don't trust him. I still don't know if I've got to the truth about what happened in 2007. I don't know if there are other things still to discover.

If I'd known the truth 8 years ago, I would have left him. I'm very clear about that. But we didn't have DCs 8 years ago, and now we do (DC1 was conceived in the immediate aftermath).

I'm also very clear that I would not be with him now were it not for the DCs.

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage over something that happened 8 years ago? Will my DCs hate me for splitting up their home?

I just want to do what's for the best, primarily for the DCs but also for myself.

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 11/12/2015 15:36

Next train journey can you move to a different carriage?

Original poster
0verNow · 11/12/2015 16:01

Oh, don't worry. We're never usually on the same train. It was only because I gave him a lift to the station this morning. I have no idea how he got home last night - he was way later than the last train - but at least he left his car in the station car park.

OP posts:
Original poster
0verNow · 13/12/2015 08:21

I'm having a wobble today. Keep thinking how much happier everyone else would be if I hadn't rocked the boat. My martyr complex trying to take over.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/12/2015 08:27

Ah but they wouldn't be, HE would be happier but no-one else!!!!

Your DC will be internally giving a huge sigh of relief somewhere inside that the toxicity that surrounds them is gone even if they have times or sadness and upset overall they will be happier.

KOKO Flowers

DoreenLethal · 13/12/2015 09:14

Keep thinking how much happier everyone else would be if I hadn't rocked the boat.

You can't rock a boat on a stormy sea love. He created the storm, you are just sailing out of the way of the tornado.

CharlotteCollins · 13/12/2015 09:23

See, he doesn't value you and that is rubbing off on you, so that you think you should come last, too.

Random is quite right, though. The DCs are also happier seeing that you will not sit and take his ill treatment of you. It really screws kids up to see their mother being treated as insignificant. You are teaching them something very important by leaving him.

Kacie123 · 13/12/2015 11:35

Oh dear, that's understandable - but keep going.

Think - would you want one of your kids sacrificing their happiness for a lifetime to keep a fragile "peace"? I'm guessing not - and they will unconsciously replicate patterns unless you tackle it.

pocketsaviour · 13/12/2015 12:16

"You can't rock a boat on a stormy sea"

Brilliant expression Doreen, I shall make a mental note of that one as it's SO true!

DoreenLethal · 13/12/2015 12:17

Thank you Pocket. I do have my uses occasionally.

Original poster
0verNow · 13/12/2015 14:05

Sorry for being repetitive - but everything that's happened is bad enough to leave over, isn't it?

I don't know why I'm questioning it. Even the dubious marriage coach said that I'd be well within my rights to call it quits.

It's just the DCs.

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 13/12/2015 14:26

Of course it is. Half of it would be bad enough to leave over.

It's normal to second guess ourselves. People second guess everything from the type of pasta sauce in the supermarket to (as in your case) ending a bad marriage.

The children will be fine. It's not like it was years ago. These days every child has children all around them whose parents have divorced. It's the 'norm' these days. People are no longer willing to stay in unhappy marriages and the children, in the long run, are better off for their parents splitting. Yes, there will be a period of adjustment for everyone. But children are very adaptable and rapidly get used to things. As long as you handle it calmly and matter of factly, and assure them that you both love them, they will be fine.

CharlotteCollins · 13/12/2015 15:19

They will not just be fine; they will be better off. Less likely to view his abuse as normal, more likely to believe that if you are being treated badly, you stand up for yourself. More likely to feel safe, and loved unconditionally. Not to mention the benefits of having a happier, more relaxed mother!

I left my EA husband and I have never looked back. More importantly, my DCs seem happier, more secure.

Original poster
0verNow · 13/12/2015 18:37

I'm doing that thing where I'm doubting he really was EA - just thoughtless and crap. He's done a very good job of looking sad, pathetic and regretful, and I'm starting to believe it. Please help me stay strong.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 13/12/2015 18:40

But it doesn't matter whether what he's done is "really" EA or just him being a crap wankbadger. You are unhappy - that's enough reason to end things. Nobody has to stay in a relationship that isn't making them happy.

If you decided you wanted to leave because you didn't like his ties, you'd be within your rights to do so.

Even the dubious marriage coach said that I'd be well within my rights to call it quits.
Your STBXH paid that guy 16 grand to make you stay with him, and even he thought you should walk away? Suddenly I feel a little more charitable towards the overcharging prick!

RandomMess · 13/12/2015 18:48

What pocketsaviour said!!

Remember that the marriage coach was utterly open mouthed that you didn't know how much it cost, that it had been booked etc.

Says it all - your marriage as a partnership never seems to have ever been real from what you've written.

KOKO x

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 13/12/2015 19:04

YYY, read pocketsaviour's post over and over.

You are unhappy. It doesn't matter why he is the way he is. The fact is that he sees no need to change AND keeps on doing what he's doing even though you've told him to stop. Kind of like that toddler who keeps kicking the back of your seat. Doesn't matter if that child is doing it on purpose or not, you just need it to STOP!

Remember that self doubt is a normal part of any decision, from picking a nail varnish colour to buying a house to ending a marriage. Shoot, as much as I was absolutely sure when I kicked my abusive 1st husband out, even I had a 'moment' because he tried to guilt me over finances (he was a student). Just give yourself a shake and take a deep breath. You ARE doing the right thing. I can't say it loud or often enough. YOU ARE!!!

Kacie123 · 13/12/2015 19:23

Well ... If I were him I'd be looking sad and pathetic too.

Look, no one's saying the bloke is the devil incarnate - and there was obviously something that made you love him in the first place.

But you have an unhealthy relationship which is not ok, and from what you've posted (assuming your OP is accurate?) it sounds like you would BOTH ultimately be better off out of it...

Jux · 13/12/2015 19:48

He's a good actor. It's an act. What's he trying to achieve with that Daily Mail sad face act?

Original poster
0verNow · 13/12/2015 19:51

Ha! What the marriage coach actually said was that I'd be in my rights to leave - but that I shouldn't because he didn't think I was in a strong enough place emotionally to make that kind of decision. I just ignored the second half of his advice, as I felt plenty strong enough thank you very much.

OP posts:
mix56 · 13/12/2015 20:12

if you are questioning, go back & read your thread/s... try putting a friend, or your daughter, in the poster's shoes... you won't need to read many pages, before your hair is standing on end, shouting "Walk my lovely"

petalsandstars · 13/12/2015 20:15

Translation

You would be in your rights to leave but I have been paid £16k to make you stay

DoreenLethal · 13/12/2015 21:08

but that I shouldn't because he didn't think I was in a strong enough place emotionally to make that kind of decision.

Gaslighting patronising bastard.

Please don't pay attention to what an employee of your husband said.

You would be in your rights to leave but I have been paid £16k to make you stay

Yes this exactly.

Kacie123 · 17/12/2015 20:28

Hope you're doing ok as we start the run up to Christmas Over

Jux · 17/12/2015 21:13

Well, Overnow, you know that's two arses together. I'd let them blow off at each other and get the hell away from it.

Original poster
0verNow · 18/12/2015 09:24

Good morning. Thank you for checking on me.

I now have a decision to make. My draft divorce petition was hand-delivered to STBXH on Monday 7th December, and said that if my solicitor hadn't heard from him within 14 days then we would file it on the basis set out in the draft.

So far, she hasn't heard anything.

Do I instruct my solicitor to go ahead and file on Monday? My inclination is yes - but it's Christmas, and we're both off work for 2 weeks and I need him to be civil for the sake of the DCs.

I am also committed to teaching a training course in the first week of January, and am relying on him to look after the DCs that week.

Would it be a sign of weakness if I suggested she hold fire until the New Year?

OP posts:
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