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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm turning into one of THOSE posters...

868 replies

0verNow · 09/11/2015 06:26

...with multiple threads asking for advice about the same situation.

I'm trying to decide whether to end my marriage. I'm not looking for different advice from previous threads, but two of my other threads had to be deleted because DH found them, and the other is now quite long and things have moved on a bit - so I thought it might be better to start a new thread.

In summary, DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 years and have 3 DCs.

There have been three issues in our marriage.

1. Right from the early days of our relationship, DH has been low-level EA. The kind of 'death by a thousand cuts' EA that sounds petty on paper but grinds your love to dust. This is the issue that brought us to counselling in the first place. DH is adamant that he wasn't deliberately abusive, just thoughtless and entitled and self-centred.

Since we started counselling, two more issues have emerged, each much more damaging (in my opinion) than the first.

2. Financial abuse. (I'm the poster whose DH spent £16k on counselling and lied to me about it.) I just didn't see it - in fact, DH had me convinced that I was crap with money. I'm still kicking myself that I was so blind.

3. DH's lies. He has lied about small things, and (at least) two enormous things (that I know of). I think lying is his default setting whenever it's more convenient than telling the truth.

Of these, 2 is largely resolved going forward. I have separated my finances from his, and although I still don't have access to our historic savings DH has offered to add me to all of his accounts.

1 is tricky. DH has been treating me well for 3 months now. I'd be interested to hear whether people think this is a new, improved DH - or just the old one on best behaviour, in which case he's likely to revert to type when he starts to relax.

But 3 is the big one for me. I don't know that I can get passed it.

There is one event which I'm particularly struggling with. It happened in 2007, and DH has lied and lied and lied to me about it. He was even still lying about it after counselling started. He has now given me 4 different versions of what happened, each one painting him in steadily worse light. The last version, which only came out last week because our counsellor forced the position, involved him covering up behaviour at work which was gross misconduct at best, and possibly criminal.

DH says that it all happened more than 8 years ago, and that living through the consequences of his 2007 behaviour has fundamentally changed him as a person.

But from my perspective, it's not 8 years old, it's all new to me. And it's not just the event from 8 years ago, it's the lies he's been telling me ever since. And I'm not at all convinced that he has changed as a person - given the ongoing lies, big and small.

I don't trust him. I still don't know if I've got to the truth about what happened in 2007. I don't know if there are other things still to discover.

If I'd known the truth 8 years ago, I would have left him. I'm very clear about that. But we didn't have DCs 8 years ago, and now we do (DC1 was conceived in the immediate aftermath).

I'm also very clear that I would not be with him now were it not for the DCs.

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage over something that happened 8 years ago? Will my DCs hate me for splitting up their home?

I just want to do what's for the best, primarily for the DCs but also for myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
0verNow · 08/12/2015 17:17

Especially when your spouse told you three weeks ago that the marriage is dead?

I'm not going to respond. I'm holding the higher ground.

OP posts:
Original poster
0verNow · 08/12/2015 17:19

And I'm going to have an amazing time tonight. I've lost a lot of weight since the Summer. I've got my posh frock, my glittery necklace, my make-up and my highest heels. I'm out with people I consider to be friends as well as colleagues. We'll have a lovely meal, some wine (enough but not too much) and I'll sleep between crisp, hotel sheets.

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 08/12/2015 17:21

No, don't respond. It's all one mahoosive attempt at manipulation.

how…..disappointed he is
These are the same words one's parents would use if you 'broke the rules': "Oh 0ver, Father and I are so disappointed in you. Don't you feel ashamed?". Think about it. He's trying to put himself in a place of authority over your feelings and actions. And to put you in a place of guilt and responsibility for his feelings.

…...should have warned him
You did. He just refused to hear you and believe you.

that he opened the letter in front of the DCs but held himself together
"Therefore you are a terrible mother and I'm a better parent than you."

and that he still loves me.
"..despite what a terrible, awful person you are and how you've wronged me." Phffft!!!!

Original poster
0verNow · 08/12/2015 17:22

God, you're all amazing. Thank you so much for all your support.

Flowers to all of you.

(I've just taken my wedding ring off. It's an act of defiance.)

OP posts:
Kacie123 · 08/12/2015 18:01

KOKO! Unfortunately you're going to see some nasty tactics in the next few weeks and months Sad Thanks

pocketsaviour · 08/12/2015 18:06

Good for you, have a lovely time tonight. Keep the ring off :)

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 08/12/2015 20:40

I second keeping the ring off. It will send a very strong message!

Jux · 08/12/2015 22:21

Woah! You are fabulous Xmas Grin
Of course you ignore him! He's just trying to unbalance you, and probably knew exactly what it was and only said he opened it in front of the children in order to tell you off. He's not stupid enough to not recognise it.

Hope this evening's fun, love your description posh frock, glittery necklace ...... You are smoking as they say Star

Have a great time, you deserve it.

Original poster
0verNow · 09/12/2015 10:49

I had a marvellous time! And was tucked up in bed by midnight so got a great night's sleep too. Not even s hangover.

I got a text from STBXH this morning exactly as usual - DCs all fine, hope I have a good day, kisses at the end. Confused. No reference to last night's text at all. Ignoring it was definitely the right thing to do.

OP posts:
Jux · 09/12/2015 11:45

... and no hangover??? You weren't trying hard enough! WinkGrin

Glad you had a good night, and a good sleep too.

Yes, I suspect that whenever you're unsure what to reply to him, the best thing is simply not to do so at all.

Onward and upward!

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 09/12/2015 12:41

Sounds like he's back to his old tricks. He had a momentary lapse into 'reality' last night and addressed the divorce papers, but this morning is back to ignoring anything that doesn't fit in with what he wants.

It's almost a form of gaslighting, isn't it? To so completely ignore what another person has said. To ignore their wishes so completely just as if those wishes didn't exist.

mix56 · 09/12/2015 12:58

So he has 2 weeks to respond. Don't discuss it. It is what it is. (he is hurt ... la la la so when isn't it going to hurt ?) This is happening, whatever his behaviour.

The only question is when is he going to find somewhere to live ?
& remind him if he forces the sale of the house that whatever profit comes out of it, 25K of his share is to go to your father.

mix56 · 09/12/2015 12:59

Dis you tell your parents? his parents ? when are you telling the children?

mix56 · 09/12/2015 13:00

Did !

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 09/12/2015 14:48

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, please tell your parents.

Is there a reason you haven't? Are you afraid of that making it 'too real'? That they will disapprove?

You need RL support and your parents are the best to give it to you.

It only needs to be a short conversation at first. "I need to tell your that XX and I are divorcing. Right now it's too raw and upsetting to go into in detail, but do understand that this is my decision based on things that have happened in our marriage that I can no longer live with. I'm safe, there is no physical violence involved*. The children don't know yet. I'll be OK and will explain in more detail tomorrow/next week/whenever when I've gotten my head more together".

I'm sure I'd have tonnes of questions if my son said this to me. But I'd also know that I could wait for the answers until he was ready to talk. And I'd know that I had to support him.

*if that's true

mix56 · 09/12/2015 15:41

They may even be pleased

Original poster
0verNow · 09/12/2015 16:05

I wonder if they might be pleased, actually. Right after STBXH and I got together, they said they didn't like the way he made jokes at my expense, and that I shouldn't feel like I had to stay with him out of pride. But then I fell pregnant with DC1, and they haven't mentioned it again since.

The reason I haven't told them is that they're in poor health (DM in particular) and quite fragile emotionally (DM in particular). They won't be able to give practical support, and I think they will be too worried to give much emotional support either.

I also struggle to find time when the DCs are asleep but before STBXH comes home from work when I can speak to them without being overheard.

I will do my best to tell them tonight.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 09/12/2015 16:27

The reason I haven't told them is that they're in poor health (DM in particular) and quite fragile emotionally (DM in particular).

Depends how you frame it.

'Good news - I am finally divorcing him' will go down much better than 'bad news I am afraid'.

And tell them when he is there - who cares if he hears?

STBXH 'How was your day today

You 'Brill thanks. Oh by the way I am telling my parents tonight. If this is going to be too upsetting for you in your fragile state perhaps you might want to go out for the evening. Just a thought'.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 09/12/2015 17:46

You may be surprised at what DM may be able to offer. Worrying about your children can really zap you. It may also help her emotionally to know that she can help you, iyswim. Someone looking to you for support can bring out positive things one doesn't even know one possesses.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 09/12/2015 17:47

By worrying, I mean feeling that something is wrong, but not knowing what it is, or knowing something is wrong but not feeling you can say anything about it.

Original poster
0verNow · 09/12/2015 20:34

STBXH has just got home and is giving me the silent treatment - it's bliss!

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 09/12/2015 20:38

Yep! It's not 'the silent treatment'. It's called 'leaving me be in peace'.

mix56 · 10/12/2015 07:42

or, attempting the passive agressive sulk, which sadly for him will be like water off a ducks back for you now.....

re your Mum, I should think she knows you're not happy, & has known for along time. I personally would be glad to know you are on the road to freedom & happiness.

My SIL said to me recently, "You are only ever as good shes N American as your least happy child"...... It summed it up for me

Original poster
0verNow · 10/12/2015 12:05

So although STBXH ignored me yesterday evening, he sent me the usual chatty text this morning.

Can only assume that he's trying to create a text trail of reasonableness to show how hard done by he is.

Am so tempted to text back: Why are you being so pleasant by text when you refused to speak to me last night?

But won't. No point in chucking petrol on the fire.

Particularly as it makes no odds to the divorce whether he thinks he's reasonable or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
0verNow · 10/12/2015 13:10

And I've just told my parents. Another bridge crossed.

OP posts:
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