I'm turning into one of THOSE posters...

[0verNow]

...with multiple threads asking for advice about the same situation.

I'm trying to decide whether to end my marriage. I'm not looking for different advice from previous threads, but two of my other threads had to be deleted because DH found them, and the other is now quite long and things have moved on a bit - so I thought it might be better to start a new thread.

In summary, DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 years and have 3 DCs.

There have been three issues in our marriage.

1. Right from the early days of our relationship, DH has been low-level EA. The kind of 'death by a thousand cuts' EA that sounds petty on paper but grinds your love to dust. This is the issue that brought us to counselling in the first place. DH is adamant that he wasn't deliberately abusive, just thoughtless and entitled and self-centred.

Since we started counselling, two more issues have emerged, each much more damaging (in my opinion) than the first.

2. Financial abuse. (I'm the poster whose DH spent £16k on counselling and lied to me about it.) I just didn't see it - in fact, DH had me convinced that I was crap with money. I'm still kicking myself that I was so blind.

3. DH's lies. He has lied about small things, and (at least) two enormous things (that I know of). I think lying is his default setting whenever it's more convenient than telling the truth.

Of these, 2 is largely resolved going forward. I have separated my finances from his, and although I still don't have access to our historic savings DH has offered to add me to all of his accounts.

1 is tricky. DH has been treating me well for 3 months now. I'd be interested to hear whether people think this is a new, improved DH - or just the old one on best behaviour, in which case he's likely to revert to type when he starts to relax.

But 3 is the big one for me. I don't know that I can get passed it.

There is one event which I'm particularly struggling with. It happened in 2007, and DH has lied and lied and lied to me about it. He was even still lying about it after counselling started. He has now given me 4 different versions of what happened, each one painting him in steadily worse light. The last version, which only came out last week because our counsellor forced the position, involved him covering up behaviour at work which was gross misconduct at best, and possibly criminal.

DH says that it all happened more than 8 years ago, and that living through the consequences of his 2007 behaviour has fundamentally changed him as a person.

But from my perspective, it's not 8 years old, it's all new to me. And it's not just the event from 8 years ago, it's the lies he's been telling me ever since. And I'm not at all convinced that he has changed as a person - given the ongoing lies, big and small.

I don't trust him. I still don't know if I've got to the truth about what happened in 2007. I don't know if there are other things still to discover.

If I'd known the truth 8 years ago, I would have left him. I'm very clear about that. But we didn't have DCs 8 years ago, and now we do (DC1 was conceived in the immediate aftermath).

I'm also very clear that I would not be with him now were it not for the DCs.

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage over something that happened 8 years ago? Will my DCs hate me for splitting up their home?

I just want to do what's for the best, primarily for the DCs but also for myself.

Good outcome!

You're not being cruel. You're simply trying to end a marriage. He thinks you're being cruel because you're no longer catering to him or kow-towing. Just as a spoilt child is absolutely shocked when someone tells them NO and means it, stbx is just not used to you standing up for yourself. So, just like a spoilt child, he thinks you're being cruel. You aren't!

They've left for the airport. I put together rucksacks of toys and snacks for the boys, and packed DC1's medicine, so I feel like I've contributed in some small way to their day.

It's weird, being home alone.

No, we haven't spoken about co-dependency. I know nothing about it. Will spend some time researching it today.

This is interesting. It's ringing bells.

You did well sending him off with the DCs, I'm surprised he didn't say "well we're not going then". & make you feel monumentally responsible.
The alternative, is that that he will have had a really difficult day & will bring the kids home miserable & it will be your fault.
All that needs doing is being enthusiastic & talking to the children about how it went. Make them their dinner & say he'll need to get used to having them on their own. as on MONDAY, your separation is going live.
You simply cannot keep putting it off. whether he likes it or not. It is quite normal for one of the couple to be unhappy about divorcing. in this case it's him. So be it.

Thank you. They're not due home until 10pm and so will go straight to bed. I'll be very jolly tomorrow.

He is sending me update texts - very factual, just "Arrived at airport" and similar. I presume to make me engage. Do I need to respond at all? One word answers acknowledging them?

I've just noticed that H hasn't transferred his share of money into our joint account this month. We'd agreed, in September, that we would both put the same amount into the joint account to pay for shared expenditure, and I'd carefully worked out what our monthly amount should be. (Previously I'd been paying for everything, and having to beg him for more money each month.)

I'm going to send him this email:

I note that you haven’t transferred your share of the monthly expenses into our joint account.

I also note that you haven’t been paying for the weekly shopping from out of the joint account either.

The whole point of the joint account is that we both put equal amounts of money in each month, having agreed between us how much is sufficient to cover our annualised joint expenditure, and have visibility over how our expenses are paid. This arrangement is fair, open and transparent. It will be none of those things if you fail to respect this basic premise.

Please arrange to transfer your December contribution into the joint account. You may wish to adjust it down to reflect the amounts you have spent on the weekly shopping from out of your current account since we started the new arrangements in September.

Reasonable?

I think it is. But he will not be.

He may deduct far more than reasonable.

He may pay nothing.

And your email in his eyes will have spoilt the fun day out, if indeed he doesn't say it was horrendous by himself anyway.

He won't accept responsibility for causing the situation I am sure.

Yes reasonable and def. something to do in writing.

If he doesn't play ball just I would stop your personal expenditure on household things, childcare etc. Hand him the bills, hand him lists of things he needs to buy for the house, food and DC - obviously pay for your personal stuff.

What a b*stard but then you know that now don't you?

Very reasonable. this is probably deliberate

Thank you. Good to sense check these things. I'll send it now, but set it for delivery overnight so he can't claim it's spoiled his day.

(Yes, I suspect it's deliberate too. Otherwise, why not just set up a direct debit, which is what I did?)

I'd remove the part about adjusting for the food shopping. I wouldn't give him 'carte blanche' to take money away without discussing the amount first. If he wants to bring it up, fine, you can agree to the amount he suggests (if it seems realistic). But it was his choice to buy from his own account.

I know I'm late to the party (time diff, it's early AM here) but today would be a good day to do any of those tasks you want to do without him around. Search the house, search the computer, remove/secure precious (value or sentimental) items & paperwork, make that phone call/visit to your parents.

Today would be an especially good day to talk to your parents because you'd have time afterwards to decompress and/or 'recover' without having to deal with him or the children.

Just think about it.

Can you pick up a dd form and hand it to him tomorrow? Then he'd have no excuse.

Probably too late but you already explained all that when you first made the agreement, you don't need to say it again. The email shows it got to you - which was, of course, the intention. 'Please transfer agreed monies into joint account, as agreed.' or some such would have been enough imo.

Yes, codependency is an eye-opener. It gave me something (else!) to focus on when I left my abuser. Iyswim. It was 'good' to see and work on how I had contributed to (welcomed?) the dysfunctional dynamic - and learn how to stop doing it. Yay!

Is there aCoDA near you? Have a look on their site to see.

The DCs had a lovely time. But their flight was delayed and they didn't get home until midnight, and DC3's cold has got materially worse, so I've had to cancel my plans with them today because they're just not up to it . It would be cruel on the DCs to try. We're chilling out with duvets and TV.

STBXH has transferred the money into the joint account, in full. Says he did it Friday night, well before my email - all I know is that it wasn't in the account when I checked at 11:30pm last night but it's there now. He asked me why I would automatically think the worst of him - I can't possibly imagine .

He also claims that the reason he hasn't been spending from the joint account is because he doesn't have a working debit card (apparently his expired in 2014 and, because he never used that account, he didn't notice that the bank didn't send a replacement - except I'm sure they did send a replacement and he's lost it). I told him he needs to sort it out this afternoon. He's had three months to sort it FFS.

The cynic in me wonders if he did it deliberately to make him look hard done by. In which case he won't be happy with the paper trail which shows it's all his own fault.

The cynic in me wonders if he did it deliberately to make him look hard done by.

I don't think that's a cynical voice OP, just reality! Of course he did! He has a need to paint himself as the victim in all this, so he can continue acting like an abusive cacknugget and tell everyone he has no idea why you're leaving.

I have to say though, considering how you were thinking about things over the last few weeks, constantly questioning your own thoughts and feelings and accepting his spin on things, you have come a hell of a long way in a short space of time. Have a and reflect for a bit on your own strength. It's going to take you a long way!

Everything he does is calculated for some purpose. Either to make him look hard done by, you look bad, or bring him to your 'attention'.

Did you talk to your parents yesterday?

Tomorrow is MONDAY,
The first real concrete day towards making this a reality
The real LIVE version, of Overnow being over & out & away from this pillock.
Tell his parents, tell your parents, tell the kids.
Make it happen. What are you gaining from putting it off? nothing other than prolonging your own misery. you know it has to stop... So bite the bullet, & get it out in the open, he can't keep pretending it isn't happening after that.

I don't want to put details here, now, just in case. But there's going to be an update tomorrow.

Good thoughts & prayers to you if whatever it is hasn't happened yet, congratulations and a big 'attagirl' if it has.

I shall be thinking of you.

Good.
you know its the right thing, & everything will fall into place after the "actual" break.

I'm really, really nervous.

I've just had an email from my SHL. My draft divorce petition has been hand-delivered to our home.

STBXH will find it when he gets home tonight.

He's going to get 'emotional'. Most likely tearful, but possibly angry.

At least I'm not home tomorrow night (office Christmas party; I'm staying overnight).

Yes I can imagine it will make you nervous. You have had 10 years of being dominated by him.
I think you need to breath deeply, keep discussion to a minimum. something like, "Yes the sooner it is dealt with the better don't you think?" or " You have known since x (the initial demand to separate) that this was happening. I have given you time to act like an adult, you have failed to act appropriately.
let him cry, let him rant, dont justify, or rationalise,
if he shows any sign of violence call the police.

Thank you. I know it's a process, got to be done, like ripping off a plaster. But I'm still dreading it.