BF of 2 1/2 years didn't tell me he was taken to hospital.

[Offred]

In an ambulance and kept in for two days until today (3 days later) and only mentioned it because he was already late coming round to see me and he wanted comfort from me.

He asked the hospital to phone his mum, he emailed his work. He thinks I didn't need/shouldn't want to know and is angry I was upset with him.

I realise I do not have any right at all to know about anyone else's medical conditions. I simply feel hurt that when he was thinking through/being asked who should be told he didn't think I should/would want to know as it makes me feel unimportant.

I have spent two sleepless nights (while he was in hospital) fearing I was being given the silent treatment for not being up for sex chat on weds eve and being upset at the weekend.

He says me being upset now is why he doesn't tell me things but I am always upset when he avoids things or lies and tries to manage my feelings. I have never been upset when he has been honest, even about difficult things.

I'm not mental am I? He doesn't really give a shit about me when he isn't getting something he wants from me...

"I don't really want to bring them into it if I can avoid it. They've all been through enough really."

I say this kindly, Offred, but please step back and read this as if someone else wrote it. Now can you see how ridiculous it sounds?

They ARE in it. You're their mother. It's the house they share with you. He is their stepfather, yes? Presumably he was living with you before? So he has very much been in their lives. With all this in mind, it's absolutely crucial that you show them how adults set healthy boundaries. They may not understand now but they will understand when they're older.

No, he's never lived with us and we aren't married. I got with him virtually straight after I left XH.

He spends virtually no time with my kids and never has really spent anytime with them. I almost always see him only when the kids are with XH.

They know who he is, think he is fun and like his dog.

Well in that case you don't need to explain much do you? Just tell them not to open the door if it's him. That's not exactly involving them. If anything it involved them more to allow them to keep letting him in.

They would want to know why I was asking them not to let him in! I know it sounds like I'm making excuses but they'd not notice we'd split up at all if he never comes back!

I don't want them to feel they need to be safeguarding me, that's not the way it should work!

Please just end this.
Life is just too short for this level of fuck wittery.

This. FGS. Get some self respect and get rid. Now. Bad enough for a 17 year old but as a grown woman (intelligent, clearly) it's insane.

And I will give WA a call tomorrow, or my previous counsellor from rape crisis as I think you are probably right that proper abuse based therapy would be able to support me through jibbing him off. I don't need to wait till I've done it.

Then don't send the text and just block him. Sounds like the result would be the same either way; he may or may not come over. I think I'd take that chance.

Your children are involved like it or no.You don't have to go into details, there's nothing wrong with saying to them "Mummy doesn't want to be friends with XX anymore because he wasn't being nice to Mummy so I am not answering the door". Even 6 year olds are old enough to understand that. It doesn't put them in the position of 'safeguarding' you at all as you are taking full responsibility for not answering.

This is probably a bit beside the point, but do most people let 6 year olds open the door?? Call me paranoid/over-protective but I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with that. This may all change if and when I have a 6 year old, mind!

Ha ha! I've no idea tbh. Most six year olds where I live play out on the street on their bikes and in and out of other houses. Everyone around here knows whose kids are whose and houses are always full of random other people's DC. I think playing out is beyond my children's capacity. My house is small. I'm never far away from the door myself and I live at the bottom of a pedestrianised culdesac where they can see out of the windows and door who is walking up. They don't open the door if they don't know who is behind it but they do know him and do open the door for him. I live oop norf and not in a big city we know all the neighbours, it's a real community here. I have very much enjoyed that aspect of this house since moving here. I can borrow milk and lend eggs etc

Right there are two things going on here:

1. Your boyfriend is, quite frankly, a knob. YOU DESERVE BETTER and he has earned the accolade (having been on MN for 3 years) of getting my first LTB. Don't text him. Don't call him. Literally disappear. He deserves nothing more from you. Is there a friend who can come and stay for a few days and tell him to do one of he does turn up?

2. You need a psych referral. Sod all of this back and forth to GPs who aren't being completely helpful. I have complex PTSD, my psych told me it actually overlaps heavily with the symptoms of emotionally unstable personality disorder so hard to diagnose without specialist input. You are clearly an intelligent and kind woman (I always see you giving out stellar advice on here) and you have an entire life of happiness and freedom ahead of you, you just need some support right now.

Good luck OP

I will maybe go speak to the GP again but I do know from involvement in other things, not my own stuff, that mental health services here are absolutely appallingly dire and getting worse with ever increasing cuts to budgets. There's a large strain on the services due to deprivation and an elderly population etc and the services are very minimal. Basically there is only really crisis care and IAPT to speak of. Rarely people have ongoing psychiatric/psychologist care but it is usually people with serious ongoing needs. The reason they have refused to offer support in the past is because they are in dire straights coping with the very worst cases. I've had better support from the charitable sector in the past. Usually all the GP can do is prescribe ADs, he was willing to refer and gave me the option but with a word of warning re BPD and I decided against it. Is worth a second opinion. He retired recently anyway but he was an extremely conscientious GP who didn't know me from Adam when I first had contact with him but picked up that the crisis team had not contacted me/him and chased them up to make sure they followed me up after the A&E debacle (I phoned NHS direct on advice of MIND who rather uselessly told me to go right to A&E where I waited 12 hours to see crisis team in A&E waiting room only to be told crisis team couldn't help as didn't think I was 'bad enough' - insight, etc).

I'm cynical about NHS in this area because I have been back and forth to GP for 17 years. Also know from voluntary work of various kinds that most services exist in name only. Trying to get support for people in voluntary job who have much more serious needs has been tough. I do cope, I need some support to thrive I doubt that support will be available through NHS here.

I think offred that pethaps the reason you cannot fully guve up on your parents is that you are hopeful.

It is a hard thing to say "my parents are irrideemable". It is bearable to say my partner is rubbish because there is a possibility you might find another.
Parents are irreplacable so much harder to bin.

But if they are ruining your life you need to shut them out.

Just checking in Offred, have you heard from him? Hope you're ok

No, all going as planned as far as he's concerned!

Enjoying my weekend alone!!!

Everything went wrong with xh and the kids this week though so I've mainly been trying to wade through sorting that out and working on an assignment.

And I have made plans for next weekend too.

I've not missed him, I've not been sad, or angry really since last weekend. My life is much calmer (xh aside) I have had some real laughs with friends this week and got on with loads of important things. Just feels so much better not to have his drama in my life tbh.

That's great, all adds up to you being strong if/when he does start bothering you. Hope the situation with xh is sorted soon too, no drama sounds just what you need