BF of 2 1/2 years didn't tell me he was taken to hospital.

[Offred]

In an ambulance and kept in for two days until today (3 days later) and only mentioned it because he was already late coming round to see me and he wanted comfort from me.

He asked the hospital to phone his mum, he emailed his work. He thinks I didn't need/shouldn't want to know and is angry I was upset with him.

I realise I do not have any right at all to know about anyone else's medical conditions. I simply feel hurt that when he was thinking through/being asked who should be told he didn't think I should/would want to know as it makes me feel unimportant.

I have spent two sleepless nights (while he was in hospital) fearing I was being given the silent treatment for not being up for sex chat on weds eve and being upset at the weekend.

He says me being upset now is why he doesn't tell me things but I am always upset when he avoids things or lies and tries to manage my feelings. I have never been upset when he has been honest, even about difficult things.

I'm not mental am I? He doesn't really give a shit about me when he isn't getting something he wants from me...

Oh Offred I'm sorry to hear all that. I just saw your thread from July. I think you've been amazingly strong to get through everything you've been through and keep on coping and succeeding.

I'm not an expert but if I had to guess I'd say the solution is lots more therapy, keep trying different types and therapists until you find something that really helps. Maybe you need proper psychoanalysis (if you haven't had it already)?

I also wonder if you should stay NC with your parents or at the very least put some iron clad boundaries in place... and stick to them of course!

Can you create a new "family" of good friends who support you 100%?

I know I will not shift it without getting all people who are like that out of my life and my parents are the main issue. For some reason every time I go NC with them they slide back in slowly. I allow them to. I allow myself to trust and hope it will be different and then it goes wrong again. I have found it much harder to cut them off since I had my own DC.

I am building a family of friends right now, one is a neighbour. It is lovely.

I have asked for proper therapy. GP said I wouldn't get it unless I was misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He felt that would be worse even though I might get therapy.

I might go and discuss it again with a different GP but I am aware twatface needs to be out of the picture for any therapy to work and my parents too most likely!

My sister who is a psychiatrist also said independently of the GP I would likely be diagnosed BPD too and she didn't think I have that but I should think about it as she feels the therapy I was offered might help.

I'm pretty confident I have complex PTSD tbh. I have flashbacks, anxieties, virtually all symptoms of it tbh but everyone says as not in DSM no-one will diagnose it and not likely to diagnose regular PTSD as not en vogue for anyone but veterans. Many don't recognise rape trauma as causing PTSD.

Apparently!

Apparently if a woman presents with a history of suicidal feelings and self harm it is likely they don't look any further into it than that.

I think I will probably have to wait until I can afford private therapy tbh. I have been told more than once by the NHS that as I have insight and don't seem to present a risk to myself they cannot help me and all that is available otherwise is CBT, which I found harmful rather than helpful tbh. Person centred counselling helped more but it didn't shift the feeling of being bad.

Offred you DO need to block him. Leaving any crack in the door for contact just reinforces to him that you are available. Send a text saying "We are through. Do not contact me. If you show up I will call the police. I am blocking your number as soon as I send this". Send and block.

You've said he doesn't have the key to your place anymore so you don't need to worry about him walking in if you keep your door locked so your fear that he will do so is unfounded, right?

Oh yeah I know he can't walk in. I don't think I'm mentally strong enough right now to call police if he turns up, especially if my DC let him in. I think probably I would let him in if he did that too. If I tell him that he will feel very insecure, he'll either have had enough of this and accept it or he will feel he has to do something to stop it happening and there will be many texts asking to talk/he may come round. I'm hoping this week I can have some space to focus on me, get my assignment out of the way and focus on my friends and that by next week I will be stronger. I accept that's a risky strategy. I understand why everyone is urging to block! I would be frustrating myself right now too!

I think he knows (and so do I) that he doesn't need the keys to get in anymore really. I would let him in, which would be exactly the wrong thing to do!

I believe he is only a threat to me while I feel threatened.

A while ago on another thread, someone wrote that it is hard, nay, impossible to recover until the harming influence has been removed. Trying to recover from the poison while still being exposed to it will not work, iyswim.

I would have tried a short phrase, no variation, stonewall style repeated at each contact. A good one might be, "Use someone else".

But...contact with him is jabbing the wound, even with a mechanical response. Imho, I agree with the zero tolerance: you should block him.

(( ))

I learned as a child to be pleasing towards someone I fear. I get triggered by being fearful. I react by trying to give whatever is asked for and to be pleasing. I have to learn not to be afraid right now and then later learn to undo what is known as the 'fawn' response to fear I think.

"I might go and discuss it again with a different GP but I am aware twatface needs to be out of the picture for any therapy to work and my parents too most likely!"

I disagree with this, I think you need therapy to help you keep them out of your life. Rationally you know you should do it, but something is stopping you, and I think you need professional help to get to the bottom of it, and recalibrate.

Can you keep seeing GPs until one of them refers you? Keep insisting on the PTSD?

Go online to self refer to Italk.

They'll do a telephone assessment, that could be your way in.

I was told I have anxiety and PTSD thanks to my rape, but that I'm not depressed. I'm coming to the end of this batch of therapy and I'm waiting to find out if I'll be referred on for more.

Dear offred. I've seen you on MN so many times dispensing real words of wisdom. I had no idea that your advice was based on personal experience. Please please stay strong. Your BF sounds dreadful and you really deserve someone better. I can't offer advice as I don't know how you can escape him but I am sending lots of positive energy and vibes. X

So what is the point? If you know that you will resume contact with him, what is the point in this thread? Even after everyone has agreed with you that you need to be rid of him, even after all your lists and posts of why this man is poison, you say that you know you'll let him back in. I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm just trying to make you see why what you are doing now isn't working.

As Emma says, you need to get counseling NOW to enable you to get him out of your life.

Ah Italk isn't for my area. The IAPT service in my area is rubbish, I've used them before.

I'm not saying I'll go back to him at all btw. Just that if I sent that text there is a high likelihood he would turn up and then I'd be forced into a position of having to be strong enough to call the police. I just know that I would let him in rather than call the police in my current state of mind. It seems like an unnecessary risk tbh when he's not gonna bother me anyway!

Why are the only options letting him in or calling the police? Why can't you just ignore until he goes away?

Cos if my DC are here they'll let him in! I've ignored him before when DC weren't there.

Offred I'm stunned that you're going through this. Your advice and posts are always insightful and wise, but then how many of us are crap at following the advice we'd give others?

I'm sorry you're in this situation, you're right to do what you need to keep him away until you're strong enough to tell him to do one.

How old are your DC, can you tell them not to let him in?

Tell DC not to???

I could but it's likely the little ones would be upset and wouldn't understand. The big ones are 9 and 10. Twins turned 6 Friday just gone.

I don't really want to bring them into it if I can avoid it. They've all been through enough really.