BF of 2 1/2 years didn't tell me he was taken to hospital.

[Offred]

In an ambulance and kept in for two days until today (3 days later) and only mentioned it because he was already late coming round to see me and he wanted comfort from me.

He asked the hospital to phone his mum, he emailed his work. He thinks I didn't need/shouldn't want to know and is angry I was upset with him.

I realise I do not have any right at all to know about anyone else's medical conditions. I simply feel hurt that when he was thinking through/being asked who should be told he didn't think I should/would want to know as it makes me feel unimportant.

I have spent two sleepless nights (while he was in hospital) fearing I was being given the silent treatment for not being up for sex chat on weds eve and being upset at the weekend.

He says me being upset now is why he doesn't tell me things but I am always upset when he avoids things or lies and tries to manage my feelings. I have never been upset when he has been honest, even about difficult things.

I'm not mental am I? He doesn't really give a shit about me when he isn't getting something he wants from me...

He has stood me up more times than I can count. I've got a babysitter and spent hours sitting in a pub till closing getting numerous messages coming from him saying 'on my way' then him not getting there at all and me going home when the pub closes him coming to my house oblivious that he has done anything wrong and angry with me because 'all my friends think you are crazy' for expecting him to a. Turn up and b. Not lie...

Good OP you need to feel angry, this guy pounced when you were vulnerable and treated you like a mug. Feel the anger and get it out of your system. I feel sorry for whoever meets this sorry excuse of a 'man' next.

Oh x posted. Everything you write about this guy makes him more of a cunt. If that were possible.

Last time he stayed here he lay in my bed till 1pm (I was up having breakfast and doing stuff with the kids as normal) about 12 he sent one of my kids down to ask if he could have some lunch (cooked and brought to him in bed)...

He sounds dreadful. What a lazy awful git.

A horrible man taking full advantage of you and any vulnerabilities he can detect.

But you know that Offred.

We've posted on quite a few of the same relationship threads, so you may know I'm freshly out of an abusive marriage. Which followed another abusive marriage, which followed an abusive childhood.

I know how intellectually you can see just how badly you are being treated but then get drawn back in. I was heartbroken at being left by my abusive husband! Makes no sense at all. But like you I suddenly reached the " it's over for good" stage. A paradigm shift maybe, I don't know, something changed.

He's been asking to come back for months, crying, depressed, misses me etc etc. But something's changed, I don't want him back. I love my new life.

You're doing it too Offred, there's a hand here if you want it. I'm just enjoying not being in a relationship. It's bloody lovely. .

BTW was there a Fred or are you a Margaret Atwood fan? When you're recovered will you NC to your own chosen name? I think names are very important, I'm putting a lot of thought into my future surname.

Enjoy your newfound freedom! What's the betting he'll call today sounding sad and expect you to rush over and look after him?!

Oh Offred I was so sad to hear your opening post, but have been cheering silently from the sidelines as I read through the thread. You are always one of the stalwarts of honest and open advice to others, that it is always a shock to find when someone is suffering - small consolation to know that it seems that it is often through suffering that one gains the wisdom to advise.

I hope you remain angry in the short term, then exhaulted by your freedom. And that the switch remains firmly off

He'll not call today. He's now absolutely secure that he can get back in. I suspect he will be feeling for himself. He'll probably have some friends round if he feels better. He'll not contact me for a while, then he'll send a text offering to do something he thinks I will want him to do. If that doesn't work he will be understanding then he will be 'anxious and need reassurance' then he'll be very sorry and very quickly after this will move to anger at me and listing all the things that are wrong with me.

Thanks Rozalia that is a brilliant post. I HAVE known it intellectually for aaaaages, haven't been able to do anything about it!

There was no Fred, just a massive Atwood fan! Meant to be a reminder not to be Offred! Fail!

Bin him. For your kids sake as well as your own.

You don't want them growing up thinking this is what a normal, acceptable relationship is like.

The funniest thing is realising that I have only put up with all this because I am strong, reasonable and fair to other people and that he has only done all of this because he is weak, manipulative and selfish.

I say it all the time to other people but didn't really feel it for me until now.

He does what he does because he is a very, very, small and weak man...

Your last post Offred ^ Ditto, ditto, ditto.

I've only just seen the Offred

Firstly, thank you for all the posts you've made that made me feel 'normal' with my own troubled past.

I say it all the time to other people but didn't really feel it for me until now

If funny isn't it. That's something can relate to as well. I know the words I'd say to others and meant them, but somehow for me I never made that emotional connection until this year and started to feel it too.

You're clearly a fantastic and strong woman and as you said, your strength is perversely what buoyed you up in your relationship. Now it's clicked for you you'll be able to exit.

Just remember that in the same way you'd say to anyone else, being strong doesn't mean you're immune to feeling of sadness loss and the other myriad of feelings you'll no doubt go through at some point.

I hate to do the the unmumsnetty thing oh kisses and hugs, but hey, I'm a rebel! ((((hugs)))) xx

Thanks joysmum!

I expect I may feel sad at some point. I felt sad yesterday when he texted me pictures of him on a drip and had a small cry but that very quickly turned to utter rage.

Fortunately he is not really in my life. I see him off and on, very infrequently when the DC are around. He has not added anything to my life for a while and is not an integral part of anything. There are not likely to be many times when I feel loss from him not being around when he usually would be. The DC probably won't notice we have broken up for a long time, though they will be sad not to see his dog at some point.

I hope it goes as it did with XH - I felt very little but relief to have left him and that was a flicked switch decision too.

Mantra for this week - 'I do not owe him anything, I am not required to do or say anything to/for his benefit. I live alone, I do for myself, he has no interest in or right to have anything which is mine like my money, my love or my support. I deserve those things from me and for my benefit'

You can do it offred.

Have you thought through what you think his next moves might be so that you have some stick phrases and strategies in place ready?

*stock not stick

Yes, I suspect he will send a message in the week asking if it is alright if he comes round. I will try to respond 'no, thanks' or something similar. Then he will send an email full of apparent reflections and sorries. I don't think I will want to respond to that. I expect then he will get into his sad/angry cycle, I will not indulge him with that.

I realise that's stonewalling and not something I would usually do but I actually think any time I have allowed him an opportunity to communicate with me or been clear and honest with him he has been able to manipulate and exploit me. I think, since he doesn't deserve any of what he's had from me and he is intensely sure that he is entitled to it, stonewalling is more than justified.

It will also not be something he will expect and will give him an opportunity to feel aggrieved with me and therefore leave me alone.

"After such a long time she won't even speak to me, what a bitch" well good, think that and go away.

Darling you KNOW what I'm going to say:
Block his number
Put his email into wotsit* so he can't get to you thataway
Block him on social media, lock yours right down

*I forget the term - it's where it auto-bins any emails

Good for you btw, we're waving our pom poms for you.

God you deserve so much better than this piece of effluence.

Your posts sound like you've been swimming through a lake for the last 2+ years, and all of a sudden your head's broken through the surface and you've gone "WTF, why am I swimming in shit when there's clean water over that way?"

I know you and I have had disagreements in the past but I very genuinely want you to know you are worth so much more than this fool.

Can you block his number, so that you are in control and don't have to deal with his emotional bullshit and manipulation?

Christ, he's a case, isn't he?

I know you're hoping he's in a lot of pain (and so am I) but I doubt he is; I think you would have heard more from him if he was. That sort of man never ever suffers in silence.

You've given great advice on here, Offred; now's the time to bite the bullet and apply it to your own life. This man is a drain on your life.

He was punishing you, you were right about the silent treatment. That and the photo - FFS? In his mind it was 'lets see how bad she feels when she finds out where I am!'

He's horrible
I hope you bin him

I know it's possible you won't but really, what is the point of him?

It's not stonewalling if you are no longer in the relationship. Which you aren't.

Treat him like any stranger in the street who was trying to talk to you.

Treat him like some really crap nuisance chugger

I have blocked him from everything in the past. It provokes fear in me that he will turn up when the children are here and I won't know he is coming. I usually then unblock him but have succeeded in making myself totally on edge for no reason.

I'm gonna do it totally differently this time. Not going to block him, not going to engage in the way I usually do, will not nervously and verbosely reply to his texts trying to please him and stop him being angry.

Yesterday I called him out and it shut him up as he got into the sad/angry cycle and he switched to nervously and verbosely trying to change the subject and keep my attention. My replies I kept to things like 'yes, that's optimistic' to him trying to engage me about him looking for another job.

He asked if he was better could he see me, I said no I have made other plans today/tonight because I wasn't going to sit around and wait to find out if I was surplus to requirements. Told him all about what I was doing (fun) and said I want to be alone today because I need to cheer myself up.

This means I have engaged with him confidently, as I used to in the beginning. I think he knows when I am not replying he has got to me. I think he knows he hasn't got to me now.

The picture of him in hospital was so manipulative 'don't be mad at me because I'm soooo very ill'. Well I got mad anyway...: