This is creepy, right?

[fishfingersinmysandwiches]

So this evening there was a knock at the door. I openec it and there was a man I vaguely recognise standing with a huge bunch of pink roses saying, "These are for you".

I was totally confused as I was expecting my sons friends dad (whom I've not met before) to bring my son and his friend back to my house for a sleepover, so I was thinking it was rather an over top thank you gesture for having his son over.

But the man then asked if I fancy a coffee sometime? He also gave me a separate pink rose for my daughter, "Just in case she feels left out." I looked blank and replied, "But I don't know you."

He explained that he worked at such and such a place and then it dawned on me where Ii'd seen him before. I'd been into his place of work about three months ago and as far as I'm concerned that is the only time we've ever met. He told me he'd noticed we, "Had a lot of eye contact". Er... have we??? I was too taken aback to send him packing and ended up fobbing him off with some feeble, "Er.. let me think about it and get back to you" comment. I just felt a bit frozen and weirded out to be honest.

What I want to know is how the fuck he knows where I live?

This is creepy and innappropriate, correct? My friend seems to think it's romantic but I'm not happy.

DadOnIce why are you debating this on here other than you are bored or a wind-up. This site has an intrinsic bias that you are aware of. Stop trying to ice skate up hill.

Adele has a lot to answer for

I'm wondering if this absolute horror of people calling round is peculiar to the UK, and whether other cultures might view it differently.
Popping round to someone's house and inviting them for coffee ONCE is not harassment. (If he makes a habit of it, different matter, but so far he hasn't)

Someone said the chap should've 'engineered a chance encounter'. To me, that sounds a hell of a lot more stalker-ish than what he did do. He'd have to know where and when the OP works, where and when she shops, etc. etc. and he didn't do that. He spoke to her face-to-face (so she knows for definite who he is - that suggests to me that this is not the dodgy phone call maker) and won't have had to look at a polite and non-committal text message or fb message wondering what it really means.

There seems to be little thought in those posts about what the OP wants.

He can't know until he asks, can he?

But he wouldn't be invading her personal space. You'd not know he was stalking.

My MIL and FIL got together because he waited at her bus stop. Cute.

Nobody comes to my home without notice, everyone phones/texts before popping round.

Personally I couldn't give a shit what anyone thinks. The OP and many other posters wouldn't be comfortable with that happening to us, we are ENTITLED to feel uneasy, that's allowed.

The rest of you who think it is ok to belittle us for that should take a long hard look at yourselves and try having a little empathy for those who don't see the world the same way you do.

Popping round to someone's house and inviting them for coffee ONCE is not harassment. (If he makes a habit of it, different matter, but so far he hasn't)

Knocking on the door of a complete stranger who happened to go into your shop once, replete with a bouquet of flowers does is not 'neighbourly'.

Nor is popping round to someone's house uninvited and unannounced. Who does that?

I would ring my mum/ best female friend before 'popping round' to see her.

Justaboy any communication which refers to the recipients as 'ladies' makes me wince because it automatically groups everyone together into one homogenous mass who are identified purely by our gender, rather than a collection of individuals who have varied experience, education and views.

'Girls' is even worse as it infantilises grown women and appears to pre-judge any views as being immature and ill-thought out. In essence, it is paternalistic.

Personally I don't generally use an address to all posters when on MN, but if I were to, I would be inclined to use 'folks' or some other similarly gender non-specific term.

And going back to the OP, I ended up having to sell up and move house as a result of my stalker. I wouldn't answer the doorbell unless I was expecting someone and if the phone rang or doorbell went after 8pm it would strike fear into me (it was the days before mobiles and caller display).

Before I moved my stalker rang the doorbell repeatedly for 3 hours and shouted through the letterbox whilst I sat in the darkness pretending to be out, terrified that he would hear my breathing. I had to phone 999 after he climbed on to a low roof and tried to force entry. He sent me letters and gifts for years and years afterwards, and I came to despise his stupid curly handwriting with circles on top of the 'i's. My lovely DH knows never, ever to buy me flowers, as he knows that's what my stalker did in an attempt to demonstrate to me that I didn't know my own mind and that we were meant to be together, as if a few dead stalks would suddenly make me come to my senses and make me realise I was wrong all along .

Even now, 20 years later I am cautious about social media, all settings set to private, and rarely post anything - I don't even have a profile picture. I have electric gates at my house which are permanently shut regardless of whether we are in or out.

For those who are minimising this, I don't think you can understand the impact that this can have on someone. I don't mean this in an alarmist way, and I hope for the OP that this guy is just a bit socially inept and has few boundaries, however that's how my stalker came across initially too.

I'm wondering if this absolute horror of people calling round is peculiar to the UK, and whether other cultures might view it differently.
Popping round to someone's house and inviting them for coffee ONCE is not harassment. (If he makes a habit of it, different matter, but so far he hasn't)

FGS. Despite explaining this several times, people keep reposting this faux-confused question / POV leaving out salient facts like "met once", "not friends", "got address off someone other than the OP", "is not the same gender", "brought a rose for an 8 year old girl", "brought weird cryptic note", "possible called her before anonymously". Must be nice to be this naive.

beryl Mine sent me letters claiming to be from his mother (same handwriting, badly disguised), begging me not to give up on him and our "romance" (blick). That was a low point.

"He can't know until he asks, can he?"

There are two separate issues here. I was referring to people posting here in support of Mr Roses. It seems to me that they have been considering what he wants and not taking into account what the OP wants - which is clear, because she's said. What you are referring to is Mr Roses' concern (or not) over the OP's needs.

There are some things it is blindingly obvious most people do not want without actually asking them - being punched in the face for example. There are others that most people would obviously want - £1m with no strings attached for example. Having a stranger turn up on your doorstep with a bunch of roses and some story about eye contact and a connection after meeting once 3 months ago falls more towards the former category. Without having to ask, you've got a pretty good chance she's not going to want it, unless you think Hollywood is a fair representation of life.

Everyday social interaction rests on most of us knowing what other people are likely to want without actually asking. Do you want me to tread on your feet? Push in front of you in a supermarket queue? Look over your shoulder whilst you're putting a pin number in at a cash point? No, I'm pretty sure you don't. All those things are an invasion of your space and privacy and go against largely unspoken social codes.

Unfortunately we do seem to be conditioned not to consider what it is women want and not to respect their boundaries. However, a bit of thought and empathy, plus reading accounts here of how stalking starts, should make it fairly clear that turning up unannounced with gifts is invasive and actually plays on the fact that some people can say "Oh, isn't that cute" because in other circumstances it might be.

He can find her on FB. Or Twitter. Or ask a mutual acquaintance to pass on his contact details. All things which are relatively non-freaky and less invasive of personal space.

BerylStreep re your posting above i have taken Lweji's Suggestion onboard she hopefullly no further offence will be taken by anyone.

But i must say what an awful time you've had, that is really the stuff of nightmares:-(

There was a dead rat on my doorstep this morning. Right on my doorstep, as you step out of the front door. I'm a nervous wreck but could be jumping to absolutely wild conclusions, I know.

Ok, for starters, this is a rural area and we have wild life and domesticated cats. Cats kill things. Although I don't personally have a cat and have lived here for 11 years and have never once had a dead thing on my doorstep before, let alone a dirty great rat. Also, it was whole.

Next, I am not the most tidy/organised of people and there was still a pumpkin left over from Halloweeen out on the step which I had not yet dealt with. Which could certainly have attracted the rat. But doesn't explain why it was dead.

So I may well be being a drama lama and my over active imagination is in overdrive. But I feel very shaky. I'm terrified of rats. Some men from the council were in my street dropping off reclycling caddys and I had to ask them to deal with it. To be honest they were reluctant themselves - it was huge.

Tell me I'm being stupid. Also, I realise this latest development might sound a bit "trolly" but I am absolutely a genuine poster - been on Mumsnet for years with various usernames.

Fish I think your imagination is playing overtime. Not surprised really how some people have turned this into massive drama like someone said an episode of Criminal minds. I am also rural and all sorts of creatures appear around here. No doubt you will be told to call the police again.

No I think you're right Blossom - my imagination is in overdrive. Need to get a grip.

oh fish, sorry to hear that.

don't worry - I used to live in an urban area with a garden and I found a whole dead rat in the garden twice. And they're huge these days! I didn't have a cat either. also when I stayed with a friend in Oz, I got up really early one day - well early for me - and opened the door and there was a ruddy great dead rat right there! I'm not nervous of them but I hadn't had a coffee and did a major double take!

PS hopefully you can find some comedy in that - Lorelei gets up at crack of dawn, leaves someone else's house feeling quite discombobulated, encounters dead rat, clutches pearls and says "FFS! I haven't even had a coffee yet" and glares accusingly at dead oblivious rat.

I was thinking about your thread last night, maybe just to put your mind at rest maybe pop in to Rose mans place and maybe take a male freind might be able to suss it all out. hopefully he is some guy who has been watching too many rom coms.

If someone else noticed a rat around they may have put some poison down and it may have decided to die on your doorstep. I've put some all weather poison blocks outside my house for a mice problem, they kilk rats too.

lore

Maybe it just overindulged on pumpkin and that would explain why it was a) huge and b) dead. Death by pumpkin

Thanks you lot. Left to my own devices my imagination would be whirring like a crazy thing. xxx

I live in a rural area, Fish. I'd go with "freaky coincidence". I have cats because otherwise my housemates would mainly be rodents. They've left whole rats in the living room. I'm torn between pride, since it's a rare cat that can kill an adult rat, and "really, you brought that in here?"

I'd bet on it being poisoned or killed by a cat and dumped.

I'd go with poisoned. IIRC when a rat eats rat poison it doesn't kill it instantly, the rat can move around until it dies from internal bleeding. So I would put money on it having eaten poison, then being attracted to the pumpkin and happened to die there.

Unless creepy guy's favourite band is rats n roses

But if this flower incident has shaken you up so much that you are starting to think that rose guy is placing dead animals on your doorstep and you are jittery if the doorbell goes, then perhaps you need to be clear with him that you are not interested rather than dreading if he will call again.

Someone upthread suggested dropping a card to his workplace to say that you were surprised and shocked that he had called at your home, and that whilst it was a creepy thoughtful gesture you are not interested. If you do it, take a photo of the note on your phone first, just in case you need it down the line.

I would like to apologise Fish - having actually considered this for more than the 5 minutes without my airy fairy imagination getting in the way and reading some very sensible replies from others I can completely see why this is so unsettling.

If it happened to me I would feel incredibly vulnerable. I am sorry that he has put you in this position as it is completely unfair to impose yourself on someone and invade somewhere that they consider a safe place.

I can only hope that it wasn't a mutual friend who provided him with your address and also violated that safety and privacy.