I don't know if I've turned into a money grabber - MN help me!

[carryingcargo]

It's long, sorry.

My DP and I earn much the same around £50K; I earn slightly more. We live in his house which he owns outright from his dad who left it to him years ago. We have 2 DCs and have both worked FT since they were born. Never married as neither of us like the 'institution' itself. Never were madly in love - I got pregnant and moved in to his house as having twins. We're friends and a good parenting team, in the main but it's been a sexless relationship for 10 years, his preference, used to upset me terribly but now I've just atrophied. He says he loves me but the whole relationship is flat, dull.

In the past, we've never really argued about money, his money is his business, mine likewise. I would say broadly that I spend mine on the DCs, the house, and holidays; his goes on the maintenance of the house and all bills. Neither of us has much left over if anything at the end of each month.

Because of no mortgage etc we've had a better quality of life than our incomes would normally deliver. I have to be honest and say that this has partly influenced me in staying in a relationship I have never found fulfilling. But also, I've suffered (and am treated for) depression for years and I was terrified of being a single mother of twins, and I don't really think I'm capable of loving anyone, so 'better the devil you know' took hold and the years have gone by.

Now the DCs are about to leave home next year, it's really focussed my mind and I know I want to leave. I want to buy a house because I'm scared shitless at the idea of being an old lady in rented accommodation. My life up to meeting DP was very peripatetic - a stable home feels extremely important to me.

But I have no deposit. I need to start saving big style for one, as where I live is expensive, and I want somewhere with a second bedroom for my DCs to stay in when they visit (they are likely to both live abroad).

I discovered that he is going to be very rich in the near-ish future: he stands to inherit over a million after tax, and his house is worth at least a million (our family home).

My problem is that this has really changed how I feel about our finances. I now feel he should pay for everything to do with the DCs and the/his house, so that I can save and save and save over the next 12 months to build up a deposit. I'm also finding myself thinking, I could use my DC's savings as a deposit, as he will have more than enough to replace that money with. And a big bit of me wants to ask him to give me some money towards a new home for me.

Am I just a self-serving money grabber? If he wasn't going to inherit this money I wouldn't be thinking like this. I'm not a money-minded person, if I have money I spend it, I give a lot to charity as I know I'm well-off, I don't spend on myself (ebay is my spiritual home), everything I have earned has gone on our DCs or holidays.

I am really anxious that I will end up staying in this relationship because I'm too cowardly to leave without having a sense of my own house to move into. Please help me get some perspective.

I don't think the OP is very reliable in terms of what is actually happening here though, as later posts have contradicted it or revealed further details.

There are actually a few points that don't add up.

Oh lord those of you who said I'm financially foolish are totally correct; and I don't mean to be contradictory about the details at all and I'm sorry if it appears so. Someone kindly did some sums on the cleaner and gardener per year and I must admit it made me wince to see those totals.

He does all the big food shop so spends about 120 a week at the supermarket. He pays the sewerage, electricity, gas and landline, and council tax.

I did mean it benefited my kids tax-wise if I put the savings in an account in their name, not that it benefitted me tax-wise. I am not a tax avoider!

Yes my mum's house is in my name; I'm pretty sure she won't leave it to the catndog's home when she goes. It's far too small for me to live in - one up one down, in effect. In return she's done much of our childcare over the years - this has now whittled to almost nothing as DC's now drive themselves and can wash behind their own ears. I can't ask her for rent though as her income is very low. It would feel totally wrong to me.

I can't believe how witless I've been. I genuinely thought that DP and I were working as two individuals sharing the financial obligations. .But I think I've been stupid, now. He's a very odd person. For example when the kids were small I suggested a joint account into which we would both pay the same amount, to cover the bills, food, children's costs etc. We got as far as setting up the account but he never paid in, nor drew out. So it ended up just being a dormant account. I asked if I could take over one or more of the utility bills but he said no.

I thank you all for your advice and input. I've been a fool in the past and I will now take your advice regarding saving up, and I think I should be able to save quite a bit, so that if I do leave, I have a deposit of some sort.

(Yes I take ADs have done for years for my depression; and we set up a will when the DCs were born.)

Thank you

Thanks for your update. I'm glad you plan to make some changes and start saving up.

It does like he's been rather secretive and protective of his own finances. But that's by the by now you plan to leave. The best thing you can do is look after your own finances, which you plan to do now.

The only thing is that I'm still confused about your mum's house:
"Yes my mum's house is in my name; I'm pretty sure she won't leave it to the catndog's home when she goes."
If it's in your name, it's not hers to leave in her will. Are the mortgage and title deeds both in your name? When you bought the house, was she involved in any of the paperwork at all? I'm just wondering whether there might have been an agreement saying she would live there but have no claim of ownership, or something.

If your mother is low income she may be entitled to housing benefit, which would cover a reasonable market rent. There is no reason you can't draw up an assured shorthold tenancy for her as your tenant, and then she will be able to make a claim for benefit.

If your mother is low income she may be entitled to housing benefit, which would cover a reasonable market rent. There is no reason you can't draw up an assured shorthold tenancy for her as your tenant, and then she will be able to make a claim for benefit.

I would see CAB or your local council about this as there are strict rules about HB going to family members. if they will allow it at all

You say he is a decent man so that's hopeful, but do you think there is any chance he never let you take on a bill as it could be evidence for some claim on the house in future?

but do you think there is any chance he never let you take on a bill as it could be evidence for some claim on the house in future?

I doubt that for the year or so until OP leaves that it would make a jot of difference, especially as she hasn't done so for 18 years.

I meant could that have been his motivation for the entire time they lived in the house together

I meant could that have been his motivation for the entire time they lived in the house together

Baroness - even if you think it's perfectly ok for a father to save nothing for his kids, surely you would expect him to contribute 50% to their upkeep?

Haven't been back onto the thread till now so didn't see this but as the op has confirmed the father is contributing to their upkeep, he is the one paying the bills, he is the one buying the food. From the sounds of it the world would not have collapsed if the op hadn't spent what she had on the children. I employ a cleaner and a gardener but they are my choice so my cost. I keep horses for my dc again my choice my cost, I do not expect their father to contribute because it wasn't his decision. I do not expect my daughters father to meet her costs 50% because it would limit what I could do with her because he has far less disposable income than me. I wouldn't expect him to cover half her school fees since it is not his choice to send her private, he would just send to the nearest state school. If I make the decision to do something then that cost is mine and I don't have the right to demand someone else pays for my choices.

OP are you sure about leaving? What is it about the relationship that would make it worth leaving?

As for your savings, I would immediately stop the charity,garden,holiday, children's fund expenses and start putting money into your own savings account.

I too am surprised you seem so badly off. You have a huge salary and very low living costs. It should not be that hard to save for a deposit.

I think it's only fair that house/living/children costs are split 50/50. You should both contribute equally to the partnership, it would be wrong of you to "live off him" to make your own savings. What about his savings?