I don't know if I've turned into a money grabber - MN help me!

[carryingcargo]

It's long, sorry.

My DP and I earn much the same around £50K; I earn slightly more. We live in his house which he owns outright from his dad who left it to him years ago. We have 2 DCs and have both worked FT since they were born. Never married as neither of us like the 'institution' itself. Never were madly in love - I got pregnant and moved in to his house as having twins. We're friends and a good parenting team, in the main but it's been a sexless relationship for 10 years, his preference, used to upset me terribly but now I've just atrophied. He says he loves me but the whole relationship is flat, dull.

In the past, we've never really argued about money, his money is his business, mine likewise. I would say broadly that I spend mine on the DCs, the house, and holidays; his goes on the maintenance of the house and all bills. Neither of us has much left over if anything at the end of each month.

Because of no mortgage etc we've had a better quality of life than our incomes would normally deliver. I have to be honest and say that this has partly influenced me in staying in a relationship I have never found fulfilling. But also, I've suffered (and am treated for) depression for years and I was terrified of being a single mother of twins, and I don't really think I'm capable of loving anyone, so 'better the devil you know' took hold and the years have gone by.

Now the DCs are about to leave home next year, it's really focussed my mind and I know I want to leave. I want to buy a house because I'm scared shitless at the idea of being an old lady in rented accommodation. My life up to meeting DP was very peripatetic - a stable home feels extremely important to me.

But I have no deposit. I need to start saving big style for one, as where I live is expensive, and I want somewhere with a second bedroom for my DCs to stay in when they visit (they are likely to both live abroad).

I discovered that he is going to be very rich in the near-ish future: he stands to inherit over a million after tax, and his house is worth at least a million (our family home).

My problem is that this has really changed how I feel about our finances. I now feel he should pay for everything to do with the DCs and the/his house, so that I can save and save and save over the next 12 months to build up a deposit. I'm also finding myself thinking, I could use my DC's savings as a deposit, as he will have more than enough to replace that money with. And a big bit of me wants to ask him to give me some money towards a new home for me.

Am I just a self-serving money grabber? If he wasn't going to inherit this money I wouldn't be thinking like this. I'm not a money-minded person, if I have money I spend it, I give a lot to charity as I know I'm well-off, I don't spend on myself (ebay is my spiritual home), everything I have earned has gone on our DCs or holidays.

I am really anxious that I will end up staying in this relationship because I'm too cowardly to leave without having a sense of my own house to move into. Please help me get some perspective.

It's so the children can use up their own tax free allowance . Look on money saving expert if you don't understand this

I don't understand why this is exercising people so much , it's unimportant .

Yseulte

She accepted that. She could have insisted, negotiated, left, claimed CM, saved, got a mortgage.

She didn't. Maybe because she was scared of parenting twins alone. Perhaps because she enjoyed the lifestyle. Most probably both.

They colluded. Silently or otherwise.

You need a solicitor.

Marriage is a legal status of equality in a relationship, what's not to believe in?

You've accepted and embraced inequality throughout your relationship and not been prudent in providing for your future by spending and not saving.

You need to speak to a solicitor to see if you can now backtrack to seek the equality you now want.

I have not discussed accessing her children's money. It might have been possible if they were under 16, if she were a signatory. But they sound older than that.

The tax purposes issue likely relates to something like a junior isa that is tax free which realises when the child is 18, or it may be that she put it in their own accounts because children's accounts don't generally earn enough interest to make them taxable.

I'm not disputing the OP's extraordinary financial naivety, I made the same point earlier myself. But too are failing to recognise DP's cunning.

And if she had been shafted emotionally rather than financially - would you say she colluded in that too?

She should have left at hello and found someone who didn't take advantage of her financial cluelessness.

It's so the children can use up their own tax free allowance

Exactly. They're not paying tax on their interest, or it's in a tax free account.
They also avoid being taxed on a lump sum given when they're 18+.

I cannot get my head around the fact that she pays for EVERYTHING for the children? Including all the presents, after school clubs, school trips. No doubt feeding and clothing them too.

You have just reinforced my belief in the institution of marriage.

Firstly, you are not covered legally and anything you get will depend on the goodwill of your partner and how good your lawyer is.

Secondly, you are spending far far too much for someone who earns £50k a year.

Thirdly, it was very disingenuous of you to imply you spend all your money on your children, whilst in reality you spend on your mother, charities, gardener and cleaner which you all benefit from.

You've been very foolish in not saving your money. You need to rapidly get your mindset and prepare for a much diminished lifestyle when you leave. You've gained a lot from your DP (no rent, no mortgage) and I'm sure he's gained lots from you. But you can't expect a thing from him when you leave, because you've been financially naive, sunk your costs and now have no legal leg to stand on. I suggest getting a very very good solicitor but be prepared to pay a lot.

"I give a lot to charity as I know I'm well-off."

Reality check: you are NOT well off. You have a good income, but you have been frittering it away. You have no savings and no property in your name. If your relationship ended, your DP could kick you out, and you'd have to rent - which would presumably cost a fortune as you live in an expensive area.

It sounds to me like you are terrible at managing money. You need to educate yourself pronto. Especially as you plan to leave this man (as you should, since you don't love him and have only stayed with him this long because you enjoy living mortgage free).

"About £550 pm on my mum's mortgage. She was royally shafted when my dad left her years and years ago and I can't bear the idea of her living in poverty just because he left her for a younger model. She had no savings/earnings (yes I see a parallel here) so after several years abroad when she came back to the UK and I saw her living in rented digs, I bought her a house. It's very small."

Is the house in your name, or in your mother's name? It should be in your name, since you're paying for it. But it sounds like it's not? This is very foolish. She may have debts. She may decide to leave her estate to charity. If you have siblings she might want the proceeds to be split between you.

I think you're utterly mad but you do say you have depression so I wonder if you have other issues that would explain the choices you've made. Are you getting counselling or other treatment for your depression?

Thirdly, it was very disingenuous of you to imply you spend all your money on your children, whilst in reality you spend on your mother, charities, gardener and cleaner which you all benefit from

This would appear to be the case.

Why didn't you and your partner contribute equally towards things for your children? Why did you pay for everything - clothes, books, school trips, extra curricular activities, birthday and Christmas presents, savings in their name, etc? They're his children too! Did he not want to contribute or did it never occur to you to ask him?

He should have been contributing half from the beginning, but there's no guarantee that he'll make up the shortfall by paying for everything now, or topping up their savings if you want to spend them (which I don't think you could do, anyway).

Another big issue is that you've been giving £550/month to your mother and £300/month to charity. That's £10,200 a year that you're giving away. I don't know how long it's been going on for, but if it's 3 years, you'd have £30k plus interest for a house deposit.

You definitely need to stop the charity donations. And unless you own your mother's house you should stop paying for that too.

If you have to ask your DP to contribute to the children there's something very wrong with the relationship and the man.

Refusal to contribute to shared household expenses is an aspect of financial abuse. In this case it's the children.

Refusal to contribute to shared household expenses is an aspect of financial abuse

Where does it say 'he refuses' he could say she 'refuses' to pay the bills.

Did the OP 'ask' if it is ok to spend over £500 per month on her mums mortgage or £300 on charities? The OP could be saving this money instead.

This to me is a classic case of they have never actually sat down and talked about money as they have a reasonable amount and earn the same.

Equally the OP has lived rent and bill free for a significant number of years. He has provided for his children that way. Yes he would have bills anyway but so would the OP if she had not met a man that paid for it all.

Given the OP had money to pay for a house for her mother and hundreds for charity , she could easily have bought her own buy to let if owning was important to her rather than expect her boyfriend to now buy her one as she's frittered away all her own money.

So he has provided for his children by not charging their mother rent?

You can refuse by actions as much as by words. If a horse refuses a fence it doesn't 'say sorry mate I won't jump', it just doesn't jump.

This man hasn't jumped for 20 years.

This thread is a good indication of how women end up financially shafted by partners. They're so naive they don't notice.

"This thread is a good indication of how women end up financially shafted by partners. They're so naive they don't notice."

It might be true in other cases but I don't think it's the case here. The OP had plenty of disposable income and she has been extremely naive in not saving or investing in property in her own name. Her partner should have contributed half towards expenses and savings for their children. But the OP chose to give a huge amount to her mother and to charity. That's on her and no-one else.

Yseulte You seem set on the fact that the DP isn't contributing at all in anyway, despite what posters and the OP are saying.

If the OP is closing to spend money on her mum and charities to the tune of nearly 1k a month then surely the DP is entitled to save the equivalent of that money in pensions or whatever if he wishes to.

If the OP is entitled to some of her DPs property then is her DP also entitled to some of the house that the OP has got for her mother?

The OP's lack of savings and choice to give money to her mother and charities has no bearing on her DP's failure to contribute financially to his children. Or his garden or his cleaning. Or his holidays.

Even if she had been saving the money she's been giving to charity - he still wouldn't have been paying for his own children.

Her own personal impecuniousness seems to be blinding people to the behaviour of her partner. They're two distinct issues.

Just because she's bad with money does not mean her DP should not contribute to the children.

Just because she's bad with money does not mean her DP should not contribute to the children.

The OP says he hasn't saved for the children not that he hasn't contributed.

If the OP is closing to spend money on her mum and charities to the tune of nearly 1k a month then surely the DP is entitled to save the equivalent of that money in pensions or whatever if he wishes to.

Sure, if they're both spending the same amount each month on the children.
If they're splitting the rest of all household expenditures equally down the middle or pay proportionately if their incomes are not the same.

She doesn't even know how much he earns.

She's crap with money, just accepted the ride on the gravy train without considering her position.

Now she's realised she's made a mistake all these years and is trying to get out of it.

There's no point in taking over the years of mistakes about what should have happened, point is it hadn't happened and now she's got to find out what can happen.

This is what happens when you aren't responsible with money and don't plan for the future. Wouldn't surprise if they'd never ever done their wills either!

Go to a solicitor, all you'll get is debated on the morality of what's gone before which is as useful as a chocolate teaport!

You need a solicitor to run through what you can prove you've contributed and work out what the legal minimum settlement is and then bargain for more if your partner is willing.

Shutthatdoor

He has neither saved for the children nor apparently contributed. In the OP she says she pays for the children, house and holidays. Later she says pays the school fees, school trips, Christmas presents.

Quite apart from the lunacy of contributing to a house she has no financial interest in. Nearly 5000 a year to maintain his garden. 3000 a year to clean his house.

The children are the responsibility of both parents. His house, if he's keeping it to himself, should have been his Responsibility plus half the total family expenses. Op did the family expenses on her own, apart from rent which nobody paid! (Because it didn't need paying) Her DP got the better deal. Solicitor. Now.

"In the OP she says she pays for the children, house and holidays. Later she says pays the school fees, school trips, Christmas presents."

I don't think the OP is very reliable in terms of what is actually happening here though, as later posts have contradicted it or revealed further details.

Seems unlikely that DP has nothing left at the end of the month though if he's earning £50k and only paying for bills and house maintenance.
Unless OP means after savings too, in which case he can't really be criticised for being a saver just because she's a spender.

I don't think the OP is very reliable in terms of what is actually happening here though, as later posts have contradicted it or revealed further details.

There does seem to be a lot of contradiction.