I don't know if I've turned into a money grabber - MN help me!

[carryingcargo]

It's long, sorry.

My DP and I earn much the same around £50K; I earn slightly more. We live in his house which he owns outright from his dad who left it to him years ago. We have 2 DCs and have both worked FT since they were born. Never married as neither of us like the 'institution' itself. Never were madly in love - I got pregnant and moved in to his house as having twins. We're friends and a good parenting team, in the main but it's been a sexless relationship for 10 years, his preference, used to upset me terribly but now I've just atrophied. He says he loves me but the whole relationship is flat, dull.

In the past, we've never really argued about money, his money is his business, mine likewise. I would say broadly that I spend mine on the DCs, the house, and holidays; his goes on the maintenance of the house and all bills. Neither of us has much left over if anything at the end of each month.

Because of no mortgage etc we've had a better quality of life than our incomes would normally deliver. I have to be honest and say that this has partly influenced me in staying in a relationship I have never found fulfilling. But also, I've suffered (and am treated for) depression for years and I was terrified of being a single mother of twins, and I don't really think I'm capable of loving anyone, so 'better the devil you know' took hold and the years have gone by.

Now the DCs are about to leave home next year, it's really focussed my mind and I know I want to leave. I want to buy a house because I'm scared shitless at the idea of being an old lady in rented accommodation. My life up to meeting DP was very peripatetic - a stable home feels extremely important to me.

But I have no deposit. I need to start saving big style for one, as where I live is expensive, and I want somewhere with a second bedroom for my DCs to stay in when they visit (they are likely to both live abroad).

I discovered that he is going to be very rich in the near-ish future: he stands to inherit over a million after tax, and his house is worth at least a million (our family home).

My problem is that this has really changed how I feel about our finances. I now feel he should pay for everything to do with the DCs and the/his house, so that I can save and save and save over the next 12 months to build up a deposit. I'm also finding myself thinking, I could use my DC's savings as a deposit, as he will have more than enough to replace that money with. And a big bit of me wants to ask him to give me some money towards a new home for me.

Am I just a self-serving money grabber? If he wasn't going to inherit this money I wouldn't be thinking like this. I'm not a money-minded person, if I have money I spend it, I give a lot to charity as I know I'm well-off, I don't spend on myself (ebay is my spiritual home), everything I have earned has gone on our DCs or holidays.

I am really anxious that I will end up staying in this relationship because I'm too cowardly to leave without having a sense of my own house to move into. Please help me get some perspective.

I don't think he's shafting her by not getting married

I think he's shafted her by ensuring he spends ALL his money on him and she spends half of her money on him ( his food , holidays and his kids).

He would still have to pay to maintain the house even if she didn't live there.

How is paying the bills and maintenance on the house him spending all of his money on himself

Or are you trying to spin it so that's the partner screwing the OP rather than the OP not exactly helping herself?

Of course it could have been done differently . She could have paid the same amount as him into a buy to let property or savings. She could have insisted on him paying for half of holidays , food and the kids savings. And taking half the parental leave etc

But

• how many of us insist on total equality with our male partners
• she didn't want to be seen as " money grabbing "
• hindsight is a wonderful thing

It's his house - why wouldn't he maintain it ?? Or pay council tax ? Or heat and insure it ?

I don't think that the OP's partner is shafting her at all, they both didn't want to get married. If the partner is paying all the bills and there's no mortgage then it's not his fault that she's spunked most of her money away on the kids

And this is precisely how women get shafted - they're too naive or dozy to notice.

It's not his fault that he's saved no money whatsoever for his children? The happened by mistake did it?

The only money this man is contributing to household expenses which are not in his interest is the bills, a portion of which he would be paying anyway if his family weren't there.

OP people won't like this,but what I think you should do is get yourself to a counsellor,make more "effort" with your relationship for another year or so,and then try to get married.I didn't see anywhere that your DP won't get married?So if possible marry him and then get a divorce.Simple!

The kids money is actually your money right? Do they expect it / have it already? If not, take it. You can help your kids much more readily from a stable position.

If your DP has been saving and is so worried he'll help out.

If they are older and are expecting it / planning around it, then I'd advise differently. Likewise if it was gifted by someone else.

I'm not convinced this is a woman being shafted but a couple with very different priorities. There is no obligation to provide savings for the children, there is no obligation to have holidays. It sounds to me like the op is a spender (yes savings for the dc rather than herself would come under that) and the dp is a saver. The op has stated she spends 80% of her income on her dc but if these are non essentials that she is choosing to spend her money on then if her dp does not agree with them why should he also pay. Op how much of your spending is essential and would the household continue to function properly if you just stopped spending anything?

Hopefully the partner isn't that stupid to agree to marry the OP.

Baroness - even if you think it's perfectly ok for a father to save nothing for his kids, surely you would expect him to contribute 50% to their upkeep?

Is it really ok to have kids and not consider them a 'priority'?

It's not his fault that he's saved no money whatsoever for his children? The happened by mistake did it?

Well I don't know many people who do save in their children's names. The partner has savings he just hasn't put them in his kids' names. Why would he? Most of us don't. The OP was not wise to do this but it had nothing to do with her partner.

How many women here would advise an MNer who inherited a house from her mother to put it in joint names of her unmarried partner? none is my guess. How many women here would advise an MNer who was due to inherit a considerable sum from a family member to give half immediately to an unmarried partner - again none I'd say.

It is entirely possible the OP got herself into an unenviable financial position without any underhand shafting by the partner. She just made possibly poor choices but it isn't too late to rectify those.

You're not a money grabber. YOu want security. HE has it.

How many MNers would advise a woman starting out on life with her partner, about to have two children, not to marry him or visit a lawyer to draw up a comparable legal contract?

ps, and start saving asap.

Yes, Iseulte, that's how I got shafted. He capitalised on my inability to see the children go without something. He channelled all of his money in to assets, all of which were in his name of course. I spent all my money on things like shopping, creches, council tax, parking permits........ His money was invested back in to his own interests, mine was used up on the things that HAD to be spent, but left me nowhere. I left and I have no regrets, I made a big mistake when I 'settled' for that man and that life (low self-esteem, better now) but just save as much as you can and start feathering your own nest. Even if he weren't completely unconcerned with your financial security, it sounds like the relationship is basically dying a cordial death.

How many MNers would advise a woman starting out on life with her partner, about to have two children, not to marry him or visit a lawyer to draw up a comparable legal contract?

Well certainly not me. I would not have had children with my husband without being very certain our joint enterprise was indeed joint.

but realising the OP made a mistake in not sorting this out doesn't mean that her partner is a scheming controlling selfish man who deliberately got her to spend her money on saving accounts for her children so as to shaft her. There is no evidence of this. In fact her partner doesn't even know she is contemplating an exit. Still less contemplating her financial position vis a vis his future inheritance.

I don't think it does the OP any good to advise her as if her partner has been out to steal her money and hide his for the past 18 years when there isn't a shred of evidence in the thread to support this.

OP people won't like this,but what I think you should do is get yourself to a counsellor,make more "effort" with your relationship for another year or so,and then try to get married.I didn't see anywhere that your DP won't get married?So if possible marry him and then get a divorce.Simple!

Most ridiculous post I've seen on MN in a long time

How many women here would advise an MNer who inherited a house from her mother to put it in joint names of her unmarried partner? none is my guess. How many women here would advise an MNer who was due to inherit a considerable sum from a family member to give half immediately to an unmarried partner - again none I'd say.

Following on from this there have been threads recently where women have resoundingly been told not to put partners into deeds etc.

I haven't advised the OP to steal anything, but there's plenty of evidence of her DP's selfishness if you just use your noddle.

I'm sorry to hear that Cute, it's the same pattern.

I think its very imaginative to suggest the OP is being "shafted"! But this is mumsnet...all women have to be victims of abusive men. Usually a woman who has never worked or similar, who claims not to be given enough spending money and that the full time working DP/DH is wasting money by buying a sandwich or a newspaper at work or something!

Its refreshing to hear some posters with alternative viewpoints stick their heads above the parapet! Won't be popular...

In this one though the OP is a hard worker and makes 50k pa, which is why I don't think she deserves harshness. She must be the most useless money grabber ever (sorry OP!) not to have cashed in on a monied, propertied man, continued working ft and not to be desperate to get married as he inheriting millions!

Good luck OP, whatever you decide to do. I don't think your situation is bad at all. If you are desperate to get out of the relationship, no money makes it worthwhile. If you think it still has legs, maybe try and give it another go. But, totally aside from any financial issues, not being proposed to after all that time and children together is the kind of the thing that can kill a relationship.

this is so incredibly helpful, thank you.

Yes I am financially naïve I do see that - he has not tried to shaft me. He's a decent man. And by nature, he's a saver I'm a spender. He's a private, secretive man. I would not dream of asking him for example how much he earns specifically, (well I would ask, but know that he would hedge around the answer). But I know what people in his job earn.

So where has my money gone? It's a bloody good question.

About £550 pm on my mum's mortgage. She was royally shafted when my dad left her years and years ago and I can't bear the idea of her living in poverty just because he left her for a younger model. She had no savings/earnings (yes I see a parallel here) so after several years abroad when she came back to the UK and I saw her living in rented digs, I bought her a house. It's very small.

Yes to holidays - usually upwards of 10K a year. I pay for a cleaner once a week (£250 a month) and until this summer I paid for a gardener (£400 a month or so) as we have 2 acres and we both work full time.

I've paid for all out of school stuff for the DCs including DD's drama school which is around £2000 a year. Their school trips (they've gone on everything) which with twins has meant big wads going out every year. I drive a 6 year old Mazda I bought from new. I get my hair cut twice a year. I pay about £300 a month to various charities. I buy all the Christmas presents and spend about £1000 per child per year, plus birthdays.

I put the savings in the DC's names for tax purposes. The money is in their own bank savings now.

He's a good man. I think talking to him is the best way forward. I just wanted to get a reality check from MN and I am very grateful that you have given me one.

Cute 'dying a cordial death' is perfect. Yes I do want security and I have traded in my sexual life, excitement and self esteem, for a good quality life and the security he has provided.

Maybe if he's so rich and the relationship is so jaded, he might be supportive. I mean, it's not likely he'll handover half of the value of his house but perhaps he might acknowledge that OP has been the one to fund the greater part of raising their children, and contribute towards her moving on, enabling him to split up and move on too obviously.

It sounds like the two of you stayed together out of habit.

If you own a house and you think you might split at some point with your partner, it's in your own individual interest not to have them on the deeds.

If you are setting out in life with a man, plan to have his kids and potentially give up working for a time to raise them, it's in your interest to be married.