I don't know if I've turned into a money grabber - MN help me!

[carryingcargo]

It's long, sorry.

My DP and I earn much the same around £50K; I earn slightly more. We live in his house which he owns outright from his dad who left it to him years ago. We have 2 DCs and have both worked FT since they were born. Never married as neither of us like the 'institution' itself. Never were madly in love - I got pregnant and moved in to his house as having twins. We're friends and a good parenting team, in the main but it's been a sexless relationship for 10 years, his preference, used to upset me terribly but now I've just atrophied. He says he loves me but the whole relationship is flat, dull.

In the past, we've never really argued about money, his money is his business, mine likewise. I would say broadly that I spend mine on the DCs, the house, and holidays; his goes on the maintenance of the house and all bills. Neither of us has much left over if anything at the end of each month.

Because of no mortgage etc we've had a better quality of life than our incomes would normally deliver. I have to be honest and say that this has partly influenced me in staying in a relationship I have never found fulfilling. But also, I've suffered (and am treated for) depression for years and I was terrified of being a single mother of twins, and I don't really think I'm capable of loving anyone, so 'better the devil you know' took hold and the years have gone by.

Now the DCs are about to leave home next year, it's really focussed my mind and I know I want to leave. I want to buy a house because I'm scared shitless at the idea of being an old lady in rented accommodation. My life up to meeting DP was very peripatetic - a stable home feels extremely important to me.

But I have no deposit. I need to start saving big style for one, as where I live is expensive, and I want somewhere with a second bedroom for my DCs to stay in when they visit (they are likely to both live abroad).

I discovered that he is going to be very rich in the near-ish future: he stands to inherit over a million after tax, and his house is worth at least a million (our family home).

My problem is that this has really changed how I feel about our finances. I now feel he should pay for everything to do with the DCs and the/his house, so that I can save and save and save over the next 12 months to build up a deposit. I'm also finding myself thinking, I could use my DC's savings as a deposit, as he will have more than enough to replace that money with. And a big bit of me wants to ask him to give me some money towards a new home for me.

Am I just a self-serving money grabber? If he wasn't going to inherit this money I wouldn't be thinking like this. I'm not a money-minded person, if I have money I spend it, I give a lot to charity as I know I'm well-off, I don't spend on myself (ebay is my spiritual home), everything I have earned has gone on our DCs or holidays.

I am really anxious that I will end up staying in this relationship because I'm too cowardly to leave without having a sense of my own house to move into. Please help me get some perspective.

I feel for you. My situation was more extreme in that he was awful to me, abuse across the board, verbally, emotionally, financially, so dramatic action was required. I left, finally. It took seven years but I got my own house. I left with the determination to feather my own nest from then on. I had been very stupid. Buying curtains (bespoke, for a bay window!) for his house (our home ). I knew I was being stupid but I felt like I had two options, accept it or just walk away. And of course, walk away to where?!

You are 'lucky' that you earn a good salary. Save as much as you can. You've put up with it for a long time now. You may have to relocate. I had to relocate to a much cheaper area but there is life in another relocation. It's an adjustment of course but I think you're going to have several of those!

I pay for a cleaner once a week (£250 a month) and until this summer I paid for a gardener (£400 a month or so) as we have 2 acres and we both work full

So you're paying to clean his house and maintain his garden?

Open your eyes - he's got a housekeeper spending her own money keeping his house and taking him on holiday. He pays nothing for his kids.

He's feathering his own nest at your expense.

It's like taking candy from a baby.

So it isn't quite the case that you spend 80% of your money on your DC if you give your DM over £500 per month and £300 per month to charities.

If your DP chosen to save the equivalent of this money each month instead then surely that is ok.

You also said that you were the one that was saving for the children and now you have let it slip that you were doing it for tax purposes.

Not sure how you would get that money back now though either. It is their money in their accounts.

Hang on so the money you made a big point out of you did for tax purposes, plus you are giving your mum a big chunk of money each month?

Add into that the hundreds of pounds you chose to give to charity each month.

Not exactly the picture that you were first painting.

He pays nothing for his kids.

Well the OP seems to like doing it 'for tax purposes'

I don't think that this man has been feathering his nest bla bla with her paying for cleaners and gardeners etc. To me they've both had a very fortunate ten years with a very good income (equal) and a property that he owns outright. I highly doubt that either has given money much thought, it was there, life was easy, they could have what they wanted for their family. It's only when OP has thought of splitting up that it's even been thought about...

If I were you OP I would stay put for a year, massively cut back on frivolous spending and seriously save. Even with your mother's mortgage to pay there is no reason you can't save £15-20k in a year. Get yourself on your own feet again and hold your head up high. Personally I wouldn't take my DH's inheritance (property or money) if I left, but I know people that have (they were married though).

If he hasn't given money much thought how has he managed to fork out for so very little?

I think envy of OP's financial situation may be blinding people to the reality.

If he hasn't given money much thought how has he managed to fork out for so very little?

We don't know that he doesn't. OP says neither have any money at the end of the month.

I think envy of OP's financial situation may be blinding people to the reality.

That is where you are wrong. certainly in my case You have no idea of posters financial situation.

I think envy of OP's financial situation may be blinding people to the reality.

No it isn't.

*I think its very imaginative to suggest the OP is being "shafted"! But this is mumsnet...all women have to be victims of abusive men. Usually a woman who has never worked or similar, who claims not to be given enough spending money and that the full time working DP/DH is wasting money by buying a sandwich or a newspaper at work or something!

Its refreshing to hear some posters with alternative viewpoints stick their heads above the parapet! Won't be popular...*

Gosh Scremersford, the MN collective is so anti free-speech I'm surprised you haven't been 'No-platformed'. Well done for getting your message through the agit-prop, Millie-Tantist, time-of the-month-style spam filters they have on these boards. Thank goodness someone's finally got the measure of this place. Or something!

Oops - bold fail.

I think its very imaginative to suggest the OP is being "shafted"! But this is mumsnet...all women have to be victims of abusive men. Usually a woman who has never worked or similar, who claims not to be given enough spending money and that the full time working DP/DH is wasting money by buying a sandwich or a newspaper at work or something!

Its refreshing to hear some posters with alternative viewpoints stick their heads above the parapet! Won't be popular...

Gosh Scremersford, the MN collective is so anti free-speech I'm surprised you haven't been 'No-platformed'. Well done for getting your message through the agit-prop, Millie-Tantist, time-of the-month-style spam filters they have on these boards. Thank goodness someone's finally got the measure of this place. Or something!

Children's savings - I don't think the OP is saving the money " for tax purposes "

I think she means that she is saving the money for the children, and if the money is not in their own names , tax would have to be paid on the interest, as it would be treated at the Ops income and not the kids .

That way the children can use some of their own tax free allowance ( I think it's £100 as the money came from a parent ) .

Iseulte She doesn't have anything to be envious of. Literally.

It's exasperating to read, not envy inducing.

£400 pcm for a gardener for somebody else's garden; £10k pa on holidays; Buying a house for a relative before yourself; Saving for the children whilst having none yourself ('tax reasons' doesn't make much sense).

It's a terrible litany of missed opportunity. People are bound to wince.

So OP can you please explain how you were going to access your children's money? It's in their bank accounts, not yours.

Is your mum's house in her name or yours?

Presumably not big enough for you to live there with her?

First thing is to get your name on the deeds of your mum's house, if you haven't already. You can give her security by signing a legal contract to give her the right to live there for the rest of her life, but you need to actually own that house. Not saying it would happen but she could marry someone tomorrow, when she dies he would inherit the house you have paid for!

Then stop the charity donations, cleaner and gardener. Save that money. Have you paid for anything like house extension/conservatory/new windows, which add value to your dp's house. If so, you can claim that back by getting a charge on the house. Obviously that is last resort to be used if he absolutely wont help you out financially, in recognition that you have helped finance his life.

Tbh, I don't think that being secretive within a relationship is a good trait - it is treating you with some suspicion. I would guess he hasn't quite got the dozy attitude to money that you have - he has certainly had the sense to spend yours and save his!

Blimey OP. Well, stop the charity contributions and the cleaner for a start, and have a staycation. Go halves on presents and trips from now on. That's near enough 20k in the next year alone. And absolutely try and get your interest in your mother's home officially recognised. You've paid for that house, it would at least be an asset in your own name even if you can't realise it now. Based on what you've said about the savings, you're not actually going to be able to use them unless your DC agree to it when they're adults anyway, I think I'd put that idea on the back burner for a while. It sounds like you're in a nice part of London, well you need to start thinking about which less nice area you might be able to afford.

I would be interested to hear if DP has spent the same in household expenses as you have also, or if his money has gone into the tangible things.

Whose name is your Mum's mortgage in?
And the deeds on her house?

If there's not much equity in her place, this may reduce the amount you can borrow for your own mortgage.
Of course if there's loads of equity in it, and its in your name, this might increase the amount you'll be able to borrow.

Agree stop all charitable direct debits immediately, you've been generous over the years, and will be again, but for now you have to prioritise a roof over your head. Stop putting savings into the DCs accounts too, for now. Also vastly cut down on Christmas presents, etc.
I'd also seriously consider talking to your Mum, find out if she could cover perhaps half of her mortgage?
Maybe stop the cleaner +/or DDs drama, if you feel that's possible.

You can do all this without telling anyone (except perhaps your Mum) and just start to see your nest-egg building up. Then you'll feel you have options, even if you don't choose to take them (yet)

Bloody Nora. You can stop the charitable payments. Can you be honest with your mum? She must be able to afford something towards her mortgage? Does she get a pension? What's her income? You're also paying a fortune on a cleaner and gardener, holidays and presents. These are things you can cut back on- it's nice if you can afford it, but if you want to live by yourself you can't.

Some good advice in the past few posts. You need to spend the next year tidying up your finances - extricate yourself from paying your mum's mortgage, do a financial inventory with a list of all your outgoings and work out what can be cut down or cut out, and start to put aside some money. If you've already saved a decent chunk of money for your children, then you can stop for now. Cut back on vacations and see if you can halve what you spend on presents.

£400 pcm for a gardener for somebody else's garden; £10k pa on holidays; Buying a house for a relative before yourself; Saving for the children whilst having none yourself ('tax reasons' doesn't make much sense).

'Tax reasons' makes perfect sense - she's saving it in her children's names so they don't have to pay tax on money given to them as adults.

People are wincing at the wrong thing - or rather some can't see the wood for the trees.

What kind of man lets his partner pay for the upkeep of his house and garden that she has no financial interest in?

She should have said no, and so should he.

What kind of man lets his partner pay for the upkeep of his house and garden that she has no financial interest in?

Maybe because he is paying all the bills and for the house. OP is obviously benefitting from that.

Maybe the OP insisted on having a gardener and her DP said I don't so if you want it you pay gor it?

Or are you suggesting that she should live there without contributing anything at all? If a man was doing that he would rightly so be called a cocklodger.

Tax reasons' makes perfect sense - she's saving it in her children's names so they don't have to pay tax on money given to them as adults.

If that's true, she CAN'T help herself to it so what are we discussing?

If part of her motivation was to avoid tax but retain access then that's another thing again.

Looked at overall, saving for her DC for tax efficiency but saving nothing for herself despite name not on house deeds is the definition of nonsensical.

It's his house! Of course he's paying for his house. It's in his own interest. He's not even paying for all of it - he's palmed off the cleaning and gardening on OP.

He's paying bills he would be paying a portion of even if living alone.

He pays nothing for his children, nothing for his holidays.

He has channelled his money into assets that will appreciate long term - house, savings, pension, leaving the OP to spend hers on all the outgoings that that bring no return.