I don't know if I've turned into a money grabber - MN help me!

[carryingcargo]

It's long, sorry.

My DP and I earn much the same around £50K; I earn slightly more. We live in his house which he owns outright from his dad who left it to him years ago. We have 2 DCs and have both worked FT since they were born. Never married as neither of us like the 'institution' itself. Never were madly in love - I got pregnant and moved in to his house as having twins. We're friends and a good parenting team, in the main but it's been a sexless relationship for 10 years, his preference, used to upset me terribly but now I've just atrophied. He says he loves me but the whole relationship is flat, dull.

In the past, we've never really argued about money, his money is his business, mine likewise. I would say broadly that I spend mine on the DCs, the house, and holidays; his goes on the maintenance of the house and all bills. Neither of us has much left over if anything at the end of each month.

Because of no mortgage etc we've had a better quality of life than our incomes would normally deliver. I have to be honest and say that this has partly influenced me in staying in a relationship I have never found fulfilling. But also, I've suffered (and am treated for) depression for years and I was terrified of being a single mother of twins, and I don't really think I'm capable of loving anyone, so 'better the devil you know' took hold and the years have gone by.

Now the DCs are about to leave home next year, it's really focussed my mind and I know I want to leave. I want to buy a house because I'm scared shitless at the idea of being an old lady in rented accommodation. My life up to meeting DP was very peripatetic - a stable home feels extremely important to me.

But I have no deposit. I need to start saving big style for one, as where I live is expensive, and I want somewhere with a second bedroom for my DCs to stay in when they visit (they are likely to both live abroad).

I discovered that he is going to be very rich in the near-ish future: he stands to inherit over a million after tax, and his house is worth at least a million (our family home).

My problem is that this has really changed how I feel about our finances. I now feel he should pay for everything to do with the DCs and the/his house, so that I can save and save and save over the next 12 months to build up a deposit. I'm also finding myself thinking, I could use my DC's savings as a deposit, as he will have more than enough to replace that money with. And a big bit of me wants to ask him to give me some money towards a new home for me.

Am I just a self-serving money grabber? If he wasn't going to inherit this money I wouldn't be thinking like this. I'm not a money-minded person, if I have money I spend it, I give a lot to charity as I know I'm well-off, I don't spend on myself (ebay is my spiritual home), everything I have earned has gone on our DCs or holidays.

I am really anxious that I will end up staying in this relationship because I'm too cowardly to leave without having a sense of my own house to move into. Please help me get some perspective.

Hmm, going to go against the grain, but if your share of savings went into your DC's account, and his share of savings went into his own account, then you should 'share' his savings.

Which, could, effectively be done by you taking a share of your DC's money.

BUT.... have you actually put it into a bank account in their name? Because if you have, that changes it. Because you have LEGALLY given the money to them already I'm afraid.

But now it's time to stop spending on your DC out of your money, and make sure that your DP spends his money on them.

Tell him straight out that you want to make sure you have a savings pot of your own, and you want to start it now. So he is going to have to pick up the costs of the DC.

But why should he pick up the cost of the DC? I appreciate the OP's position but demanding he pays for the DC will not go down well.

Before I knew about his inheritance, I used to think 'we both need to provide for them in this next stage of life', and now I think, 'he can provide for them in this next stage of their life'. Is that fair? Do you think the DCs would understand? They know we are not happy together, one would blame me for leaving, the other would understand.

Errrm they are both your DC why should you absolve all responsibility l. If a man said that they would rightly be flamed.

You want to spend your DC money, get your DP to replace it and that he should be the only one supporting your DC going forward.

You ask what your DC will think.

Read it back what do you think they will think. I don't think they will look favouribly at you

Sorry I pressed submit too soon, the DP pays for all of the bills etc and the OP pays for the DC's so changing the arrangement because the OP wants to use her DC's money will go down like a lead balloon.

and make sure that your DP spends his money on them.

There is nothing to say he doesn't spend money on them. The OP now wants him to be the only one that does.

On right move £175000 will buy you a 2 bed houseboat in Chelsea, a 1 bed flat in Oxford or Esher. Yes you might have to move for the sort of place you really want.

Don't get me wrong, you've been in a long term relationship, had kids, I absolutely think you should get a lump sum though I have no idea what the legal position is. But the point is, you could leave now and be ok.

his goes on the maintenance of the house and all bills.

If you start saying that he should pay for everything to do with the DC, if I was him I'd start demanding that you pay towards the bills etc.

You say you paid the money that went into the DC accounts so it is 'your money' he paid all the bills house maintenance etc. How would you feel if he started saying he wanted all that money back?

Wover the 18 years, I've spent 80% of my money on them, while he's either saved (yes he has some but won't tell me how much) or paid the bills.

So how much of his income was going on bills? I would be very surprised if it was 80%.

Elsewhere you say you're the only one who has saved for the kids. He's never saved a penny for them.

It looks as if he's been saving money for himself at you and your kids expense.

I'm sorry to say this but I think you've been very very naive financially.

I can't believe the OP spends £40k a year on the children unless they go to boarding school, if that's the case then the partner should contribute more towards them.

This is exactly why the laws on marriage need to be taught in school, long before woman find themselves in this position. The same situation with my best friend 2 yrs ago... Only much more acrimonious.. Her partner 'didnt believe' in marriage. She had 4 children with him over 22 yrs and played the adoring and supportive 'wife' . He started as an office boy and is now a big player in hedge funds. Best friend provided all the back up with home and kids... Two years ago he met a 22 yr old Latvian whilst away on business. Told my friend it was over.. She was entitled to absolutely nothing save maintenance for the two kids still at home. Unlike you OP my friend was a sahm so at least you don't have to start from scratch .. Friends ex who 'didn't believe' married gf within 3 months of leaving. My friend didn't even get the normal time a divorce takes to grieve.. But she got a REALLY helpful homily from her own mother.. In relation to having children whilst not married ' why buy the cow when the milk is coming for free' - very harsh, but sadly true. You will often find its the richer ones who don't believe in marriage (strange that)

i think getting a mortgage after never paying one (for the last eighteen years) and despite earning over £50,000, not having any savings is gonna be a big shock for you.....to see all your hard earned cash going on a property and bills instead of holidays and luxuries is gonna be a real eye opener for you....have you discussed this at all with your long time partner.....i think you both have your heads in the clouds!

Tbh I don't think for two equal earners that it's that bad to be cohabiting, except that it sounds as if there haven't been many financial planning conversations, and perhaps that's slightly more likely to happen when you don't make that public declaration. I think at least the op doesn't have to go through a hideous divorce.

He's never saved a penny for them.

Accept OP says he pays all the bills and anything to do with the house.

If this was me I would see today as Ground Zero financially and:

See a really good financial advisor
Buy my own home, even if it was less than ideal in terms of size of location
See if DP might chip in with some start up funds - don't ask, don't get

I've spent 80% of my money on them

You'very spent 40k at least on the children. Sorry but I find that quite hard to believe

So for 18 years you've lived rent free and bill free and kept your salary of £50k? Unless your children go to the best private school and live on caviar they can't possibly have cost you £40k a year.

You sound very grabby, why should he bankroll you when you quite clearly are now only staying for his money. It's quite mercenary.

Not sure why people are saying £40k on the children when the OP was presumably quoting a gross salary of £50k.

annadale not having to divorce is not much consolation when the house is worth £1m and there's more in inheritances which would all be marital property.

Fast that is true, completely forgot about tax. I still find it hard to believe that the OP spends 80% of her wages on her children unless she's paying school fees by herself.

Rich people problems!

I have little sympathy, you should have married him or least started saving years ago. Fuck knows what you did with all that spare money but I guess you all must lived a very luxury life.

Personally I properly would take from the kids inheritance, your both still young and I believe your both save the money back up eventually.

there's more in inheritances which would all be marital property.

Apart from the house there is nothing else

The OP says the other inheritances is in the future so tbh why should the OP have any of any future money if it happens

If the children are about to leave home and may need the saved money how are you going to explain it to them and then say you expect their DF to put it all back?

Would your partner agree to buying a home for you to live in when you separate, on the proviso it's only left to the children when you die (so no subsequent partner could have a claim)?

You said you are friends in your first post. So why not just talk to him.

'x can we sit down and have a glass of wine and chat about the future now the kids are planning on leaving soon.

I'm aware you feel relationship is flat and dull. Wev stuck it out for a long time despite having no sexual attraction to one another for quite sometime and we have done a great job together with the kids. I was thinking now they are moving out that's its probably time I should move on and get a place of my own too, what's your thoughts?

The only thing troubling me and worrying me is that I'm not in a great financial position savings wise regarding a deposit so I will need to start trying to save now for one which will mean cutting back between now and then on outgoings. I would like a two bed for when the kids visit. The average price is x, therefore il need a deposit of x amount so will need to save x per month to achieve that by x month next year. Could we work something out between us regarding finances for the kids outgoings to allow me to save that amount?

No one has raised the possibility that the partner might actually, you know, take being dumped quite badly. In which case I can't see him forking out any inheritance money.

Shut well some people might hang on and divorce after the loaded relatives die...

Not saying the OP would. But my issue was with the suggestion that it wouldn't make all that much difference being married when it would.