Is it acceptable to not even try?

[0verNow]

Our couples counsellor is putting a lot of pressure on me, to try again at our marriage - mostly because we have DCs, but also because he thinks DH deserves the opportunity to mend his ways.

I don't want to. I feel too ground down by DH's EA behaviour over the past 10 years. I can't forget, even if I forgive. I don't love him, or trust him, or frankly even like him very much at the moment.

I've told our counsellor this, several times. He doesn't accept my viewpoint. He says DH doesn't understand what he's done wrong and will be a different man when he does understand.

Am I wrong to simply say that enough is enough? The phrase that keeps running through my head is "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me".

I have always believed a relationship need 3 things. Love, Honesty, Trust.
If one of those faulters, the others tend to follow.

If you have fallen out of love and don't trust OH then I don't know how much longer you should stay, let alone how much longer you could stay?

Personally, I don't think you're wrong to call it a day.
Give you a chance to find someone you're happier with or gonit alone.

Your relationship does not make you happy, it is not nurturing, it is not supportive, it is not a good relationship-template for your dcs to learn.

You don't have to try again. When has he? Your counsellor is not saying "he has changed" he is saying "if you explain to him in ways that he can understand, then he might change". In other words, "it is your responsibility to get your H to understand why his actions hurt you, why that is a reason to change and then support him in changing."

He is a terrible relationship counsellor. It is not your responsibility to make someone else become a better person.

You are responsible for your actions, he is responsible for his. He has had time to change. He hasn't. Even if he did change now, it's too late, you can't get passed everything that has happened.

A good counsellor would now support you both towards an amicable split.

You have every right to leave and live your life.

Go forth! Be happy! :) you have permission.

No one has the right to tell you to stay in a marriage that makes you unhappy. No one has the right to put the responsibility for his behaviour on you. This person is a shit marriage counsellor.

Your counsellor does not get to decide if and when you divorce your abusive husband.

Counselling is not recommended for abusive relationships because the abuser invariably gets the counsellor onside - of which your case seems to be text book.

If you do not want to be in this relationship - end the counselling and end the relationship. That is your prerogative as a grown up.

Go - do - and live long and prosper.

It doesn't help that I don't entirely trust our counsellor (chosen by and paid for by DH without my agreement).

I just feel so heart-sore for our DCs. Absent them, I would be gone.

I'm interested in whose idea it was to go to counselling- his, and you feel coerced into it, therefore on the defensive? Not that in saying this counsellor is right, he should be listening to your views more IMHO. You could try getting another counsellor, but is DH liking the fact that he has "someone on his side "? In which case, he won't want to change who you see! I foresee bigger problems here, if DH Is EA, then is he manipulating the counsellor and painting himself as the victim??

Trust your gut feeling.

This is why counselling isn't recommended when there's been abuse. Abusers are very good at manipulating the counsellor and making them think it's all your fault, instead.

You don't have to try. You're an adult and if you want to finish things, just do it.

Oh gosh, this isn't the counsellor who's charging £750 or something a session, is it?

Well, we posted at same time, and that answers one question! Get another one or call it a day.

DH doesn't accept he's been abusive, BTW, and neither does our counsellor. He's merely been thoughtless and complacent.

Although our counsellor did say that I have more than enough justification to leave DH - he just thinks I shouldn't leave without giving it another go.

Yes, pocket, it is.

Of course you don't have to keep trying. I left my EA ex-husband because, much like you, I didn't love him, like him or trust him anymore. In a marriage you make vows of course but imo he is the one that broke them by being abusive. Nobody should pressure you to stay in a damaging relationship, and your children will be ultimately better off with you away from that situation. I would personally ditch this counsellor pronto - they sound unethical at best.

Shit, I should probably get this thread deleted. DH keeps finding my threads; he found the last two. But I just need somewhere to talk.

If your dh doesn't understand what he has done wrong, why would things be different? What is it about Trying again' that would help him understand?

Does the counsellor understand and can he reflect it back to you? What are his plans for supporting your dh to come to a better understanding?

This process could continue while you do whatever you need to do to feel safe.

Oh, and you are trying! You're going to counselling. I refused to even do that because I didn't see the point.

You're not wrong. Apart from the fact that couples counseling is a bad idea in abusive relationships, your counsellor sounds like a clueless berk and is giving you very bad advice.

Neither your husband or counsellor get to tell you to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. You don't owe this man anymore chances, you've given him plenty. Stop going to the counselling and start making moves to split.

The counsellor sounds off.

There are three separate issues: "low level" EA (mostly selfishness, disrespect); financial abuse; and persistent lies.

The FA is largely dealt with going forward - as soon as I recognised it I separated my finances.

The EA is currently in hand. DH is wandering around like a whipped puppy. I don't trust that the improvement can be sustained, based on everything I have read.

The lies have not been dealt with at all. Our counsellor takes the view that while lying is always wrong, lies told to protect your partner are at least understandable. However, on those occasions when I have challenged DH about his lies, his reasons have always been to protect himself (he was unlucky to be caught; he thought he would get away with it; he was embarrassed) or outright denial of what I know to be true.

It's the lies I find hardest.

Are you sure this guy is even a counsellor? He should be struck off. Would you consider reporting him?

Oh and leave your husband, too. You don't need permission from your counsellor to do that.

£750 a session?!

Are you sure your H isn't using this as an excuse to siphon off cash before you split?

I would stop going.

You are wasting your time. You should never have counselling with someone who is abusive anyway.

Just say "no, I've decided that I no longer wish to be married to you" and repeat.

I remember your previous threads, IMO there is no future for you to be happy in a relationship with him. I thought before that the counselling sounded like a crock of shit and it sounds like that is true. You wouldn't listen I hope to a random person off the street telling you that your husbands treatment of you is your fault, and you have to tell him in small words why lying is unacceptable and this counsellor has no credible credentials.

I appreciate the irony in my above statement btw.

No one has to stay in a relationship they don't want to.

I was just thinking that, MarkRuffalo.

OP, it might be worthwhile asking a friend (male) to call asking for an appointment for couples counselling and asking for fees.

Oh and stalking you on here is also a big red flag.