Is it acceptable to not even try?

[0verNow]

Our couples counsellor is putting a lot of pressure on me, to try again at our marriage - mostly because we have DCs, but also because he thinks DH deserves the opportunity to mend his ways.

I don't want to. I feel too ground down by DH's EA behaviour over the past 10 years. I can't forget, even if I forgive. I don't love him, or trust him, or frankly even like him very much at the moment.

I've told our counsellor this, several times. He doesn't accept my viewpoint. He says DH doesn't understand what he's done wrong and will be a different man when he does understand.

Am I wrong to simply say that enough is enough? The phrase that keeps running through my head is "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me".

I'm sorry OP but I'm totally with you. What does this relationship have going for it? You know what you want to do and you certainly don't need any one's permission. Not your counsellor and not your DH.

No you do not have to try.

£759 a session?? are you there for a week at a time?

£750. £759 would be weirdly specific.

The fees are definitely genuine - the counsellor confirmed them when I asked him. He didn't know that I was unaware of the fees (nor that DH hasn't shown me his contract and has, presumably, forged my signature) and was pretty surprised.

However, his interpretation is that DH is scared, had had his eyes opened to reality, and behaved foolishly out of fear.

My interpretation is that, yet again, DH sidestepped my right to an opinion.

What does our relationship have going for it?

Our children are happy and stable.

That's all.

'DH is scared....behaved foolishly out of fear.'

This may explain his EA of you but it doesn't excuse it.

Your interpretation is spot on.

I would not attend any more sessions.

Unfortunately your children will learn about relationships from watching his abuse of you.

Is the counsellor's diploma made of gold?

The counsellor is unqualified. No diploma, gold or otherwise.

Your dc are learning so many bad thing from your relationship.

You're not even allowed an opinion - FFS, stuff that!

So he's not even a tin pot counsellor!!!!

Run for the hills...

What does google throw up about this "counsellor"?

I just don't believe that anyone's counselling would cost £750 - I'm not doubting that's what you were told, OP, but I do doubt that is the cost. Are you multi-millionaires?

I've just looked up costs of counselling and this is what it said on one site:

Where payment is required prices can range between £10 and £60 per session, depending on where you live. Some therapists will adjust their fees according to your income. Some charitable organisations will offer therapy for free or for a small donation which is suitable to your income.

So this guy is charging 12.5 times the maximum recommended by the BACP. Really, he'd only have to have one session a week to have a nice little income.

The counsellor sounds unethical, I wouldn't follow his advice. As others have said go with your gut. Or get a qualified counsellor.

Google returns his website and his blog - nothing else.

So the counsellor is basically some bloke off the street who is mouthing whatever your dh wants him to say for a juicy fee.

Where can I sign up?

Oh for god's sake, OP, be a bit proactive here. Your husband is siphoning off £750 a time to this guy who is giving you dreadful advice - if he was qualified he'd be struck off.

You really need to open your eyes to what's going on. You will be broke and then your husband will 'allow' a divorce.

Your husband is controlling everything here. He chose the counsellor-and counsellors who are properly trained do not tell you what to do.
Also stalking you on here is very controlling. He is trying to stop you from getting any private support and advice. I would not see this counsellor again. I would look to an organisation like Women's aid to help you find someone you can talk to alone to clarify what you want to do.
Couple's counselling doesn't sound appropiate.

Please can you give me this website?

Ah, no, Imperial. DH paid £16k upfront without telling me - the money is already spent. And that only buys 12 sessions. The £750 was a special offer for the introductory session.

I figure I might as well at least look as though I've given it a go in the hope it makes DH less unbearable when the inevitable happens.

Setting up a website and blog are disgustingly easy, producing a contract even more so. You're being conned and skimmed, OP.

Cannot believe what I'm reading £750?!?! Ffs. Deeply wrong. And not even qualified? Someone is ripping you off, OP.

You sound so unhappy. Follow your gut.

I am sorry but do you really believe that counselling from an unqualified counsellor really costs 16 000 pounds? I mean, really really, really? 16k??? And that you pay this sort of amount UP FRONT even before the counselling has begun or been completed?? The kindest thing I can find to say is that you must be very gullible.

That's why I don't trust the counsellor, Daemon....

In my paranoid moments, I do wonder if there's a website somewhere on the deep/dark web where abusive men can find a counsellor who puts their little women back in line for them.

This guy has one of the fundamentals on his website

"Building Lasting Trust"

Well how are you ever going to trust someone that has lied to you, justifies this and refuses to admit most of them.

One of his services is

"How to Leave Your Marriage. Many people wrongly stay in marriages, due to guilt, or powerful emotional fears. Learn how to overcome your fears and become free again."

I would tell him that you did not sign up to rescue this marriage, you haven't seen the contract etc. and you wish to spend the rest of your half of the fees to using this alternate service of "How to Leave You Marriage" because that is what you want, to be able to leave an abusive man without feeling guilt.