Is it acceptable to not even try?

[0verNow]

Our couples counsellor is putting a lot of pressure on me, to try again at our marriage - mostly because we have DCs, but also because he thinks DH deserves the opportunity to mend his ways.

I don't want to. I feel too ground down by DH's EA behaviour over the past 10 years. I can't forget, even if I forgive. I don't love him, or trust him, or frankly even like him very much at the moment.

I've told our counsellor this, several times. He doesn't accept my viewpoint. He says DH doesn't understand what he's done wrong and will be a different man when he does understand.

Am I wrong to simply say that enough is enough? The phrase that keeps running through my head is "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me".

It scares me that I recognise the names of posters on this thread. It means that it's serious, when serious posters take the time to post.

DH, for many years, strongly encouraged me not to talk to anyone about our problems.

Well he would, wouldn't he? Especially the bit where he got himself sacked

Yes, it's serious. You really can do this. Of course it's scary. It's actually a little bit exciting too, though, don't you think? You can and will have your life back. Getting there will be hard, and yes, lonely even when you have a decent support network, but oh, so worth doing. Bit of a cliché perhaps, but it can be lonelier in the wrong relationship than in no relationship at all - viz the isolating tactic mentioned above. You can have your friendships back and talk to your family freely again when Mr "Don't air our dirty linen in public" has taken his bag of dirty linen right out of your life.

DH, for many years, strongly encouraged me not to talk to anyone about our problems.

Well he would, wouldn't he? Especially the bit where he got himself sacked

Yes, it's serious. You really can do this. Of course it's scary. It's actually a little bit exciting too, though, don't you think? You can and will have your life back. Getting there will be hard, and yes, lonely even when you have a decent support network, but oh, so worth doing. Bit of a cliché perhaps, but it can be lonelier in the wrong relationship than in no relationship at all - viz the isolating tactic mentioned above. You can have your friendships back and talk to your family freely again when Mr "Don't air our dirty linen in public" has taken his bag of dirty linen right out of your life.

I've seen the counsellor's website and superficially he looks legitimate so the husband may not be syphoning. OP I won't post it here unless you want me to, and I'm happy to call them to investigate the legitimacy further, anonymously of course.

The counsellor however seems to breach any of the norms I understand to be a part of the counselling process. And OP if you want to leave your marriage, you don't need ANYONE'S permission.

I've seen the counsellor's website and superficially he looks legitimate

And yet this is your first post on this thread.

And OP if you want to leave your marriage, you don't need ANYONE'S permission

This is just what I wanted to say, but i didn't word it as well as Franco.

I know someone who is a con in a similar way. He is all full of claims of what he does, but its all a big con, and I cannot believe the lifestyle he lives as a result of living a lie. If you have to ask him outright what he does for a living, he has this fancy name of something no-one has ever heard of, so most people don't query it, as if you do, he makes you out to be thick to not know what it is.... iyswim.

I asked him outright one day what he was doing (workwise) when he went with a client to a tropical island for "work". He told me he has special abilities to help people...........

Good luck OP. You need to make the first step now, and then you are going to see that it is the right thing to do....

DoreenLethal I'm sorry but what's the point of your post???

"I've seen the counsellor's website and superficially he looks legitimate"

But he can't possibly be legitimate - he is charging £16k for 12 sessions! That's daylight robbery!

He also has no qualifications. And he seems to have no problem with the fact that his client forged his wife's signature, setting up the arrangement without her knowledge or consent.

DoreenLethal I'm sorry but what's the point of your post???

What is the point of yours? You have had no interaction on the thread and yet you know the website of the counsellor and have assessed them on their legitimacy?

DoreenLethal what's your bloody problem? Is lurking and following a thread and then commenting less than a day after the first post not allowed now? If you'd read what I said, I said I've seen his website and it looks superficially legitimate and that I was happy to investigate further. But seeing as you appear to be appointing yourself as site police, perhaps you might have a look too. It's hardly difficulty to see it from the OPs posts.

And if you don't like my posts, report them.

Guys, can you take the bunfight elsewhere, please? I'm sure this isn't helping OP.

FWIW, though, some information a couple of pages back made the website findable.

Exactly.

OP, you said you have a SHL and everything is progressing. Have the divorce papers been served?

I think it's probably pretty easy to find the counsellor if you Google the website extracts posted here. And I agree that his website looks superficially legitimate.

Franco, thank you for the offer but I'm content to leave it now. We are where we are.

I still can't believe I didn't recognise 10 years of FA until a few weeks ago. I actually thought I was bad with money - it was so humiliating having to ask DH for more each month. Professionally, I'm consulted by governments but personally I'm not so good - I just couldn't see that someone who is supposed to love me could treat me so badly.

Pocket - drafted.

There is nothing for you to work through, OP. Apart from getting all your ducks in a row, gathering as much useful information as possible while you can and putting a healthy distance between you and your H.

I wouldn't feel too daft about not recognising the financial abuse. You're in a situation where you do have an income of your own rather than in the extreme situation of feeding and clothing your family and yourself out of a pittance given as "housekeeping" while your husband is spending the same again and more on getting pissed then coming home and questioning every penny you've spent. You've been squeezed, rather than crushed, in this respect. He's been a lot more subtle, but the outcome is still the same, that you're struggling to cover your "share" of household expenses while he has silly money to throw away on charlatans.

The effect on you of your H's abuse and deception is less brute force than death by a thousand pinpricks. As you're finding out, you peel away one level of deception and uncover yet another.

He's a snake.

No-one sets up believing their DH is going deliberately leave them financially poor and hide all their savings etc.

Huge hugs &

You will work you way out of this and be better off in every single way.

Please ring Womans Aid and ask for a recommendation for a counsellor who is experienced in the area of spousal abuse. Glad you have a SHL, you may need a foresenic accountant to find out the true extence of the marital assets.

KOKO we will help you as much as we can and yes it's normal to need and want a sounding board and to feel lonely in your circumstances.

Don't forget about the other place if you want somewhere else to post.

Death by a thousand pinpricks is exactly right. (I feel ridiculous for complaining because each pinprick is minor/forgivable in itself.)

That's the point OverNow. The idea is that that way you can't complain without appearing unreasonable, and as long as it works, it will continue exactly the same. Luckily, people are much more aware of it these days.

Get your ducks in a row. Have you made copies of all important docs, bank statements etc and stashed them somewhere he can't get them? Also passports, birth certs etc. Talk to WA about what you may need.

Yes, all done.

The counsellor isn't a marriage counsellor - he specialises in "saving marriages" which is an entirely different thing.

OP, you want to break up. You can. There are no legal consequences for not going to a "save the marriage at all costs counsellor". Just get your financial info ready, tell him you are not going to the fellow he hired to save the marriage/control you again, hire a great solicitor and you won't know yourself.

This alleged 'counsellor' may have a fancy address and have spent years training with 'Master Therapists', but he seems unable to write basic English and is a stranger to punctuation.

OP, I too read your previous thread and was appalled. FWIW, I'll add myself to the growing band of people who think you should remove yourself, firmly and finally, from your OH's crazy world.

I keep bursting into tears today. Embarrassing, as I'm at work. Everything seems so bleak and difficult today.