Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it acceptable to not even try?

153 replies

0verNow · 01/11/2015 09:53

Our couples counsellor is putting a lot of pressure on me, to try again at our marriage - mostly because we have DCs, but also because he thinks DH deserves the opportunity to mend his ways.

I don't want to. I feel too ground down by DH's EA behaviour over the past 10 years. I can't forget, even if I forgive. I don't love him, or trust him, or frankly even like him very much at the moment.

I've told our counsellor this, several times. He doesn't accept my viewpoint. He says DH doesn't understand what he's done wrong and will be a different man when he does understand.

Am I wrong to simply say that enough is enough? The phrase that keeps running through my head is "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me".

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/11/2015 11:48

Actually I would never recommend a counsellor.

I would only ever a recommend a fully qualified, experienced and recommended therapist. One who you have both chatted to and feel comfortable with and is confident they can help with your issues.

Anyhow it feels as though your H is intent on bullying you into staying so therefore no joint anything is appropriate.

It will be interesting to see if this coach actually recommends you work on your marriage or you split!

LoveAnchor · 01/11/2015 11:58

In my paranoid moments, I do wonder if there's a website somewhere on the deep/dark web where abusive men can find a counsellor who puts their little women back in line for them.

Doesn't really sound very paranoid. £750 fee is insane and it doesn't really matter what lies or manipulations on behalf of your partner have brought you to this guy. That fee alone is a sign that you should leave. No genuine / professional counsellor would ever dream of charging this much.

spondulix · 01/11/2015 11:59

That counsellor is dodgy as fuck! A posh address looks to be the stand in for any qualifications.

Run like the wind OP. And DO NOT attend anymore sessions! That quack is probably trying to keep you together so you'll be another Success Story on his smug website.

LoveAnchor · 01/11/2015 12:01

I would however recommend to find a counsellor for YOU only, who can help you get through the split as amicably as possible. It's not going to be easy.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/11/2015 12:04

Give this so called counsellor the heave ho. Did your H find this person for you?.

You are being financially ripped off as well as being emotionally shafted by this complete charlatan.

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. No decent counsellor would ever have seen the two of you together anyway given the abuse.

Womens Aid can and will also help you leave.

If you have children think about the model of a relationship you are also modelling to them.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/11/2015 12:05

OP

You need to get out now. (and I rarely say that). Whatever this is it isn't counselling, and it is just to prevent you from seeing the truth. Leave now while you still can.

Original poster
0verNow · 01/11/2015 12:06

Thank you all. You have validated that I don't owe it to DH to try again and, far more importantly, that I don't have to try again for the sake of our DCs. I did wonder if our counsellor was right about that, even if he is a charlatan.

OP posts:
Dollius01 · 01/11/2015 12:08

Jesus, the guy is a total quack.

And can't even use apostrophes correctly.

He is like one of those hairdressers to the stars - basically a hairdresser that costs 10 times what the others do. In this case he is a life coach. What a con.

Dollius01 · 01/11/2015 12:10

Can you say what it is your husband has been lying to you about, or is it too identifiable?

Anyway, if you want to end your marriage, you can. You don't need the permission of this charlatan.

ImperialBlether · 01/11/2015 12:11

What else did you find out, OP? Was your husband having an affair/a child with another woman?

summerwinterton · 01/11/2015 12:12

he isn't a counsellor - he is just colluding in the abuse. You need a SHL and fast, and WA too.

AnyFucker · 01/11/2015 12:16

Where to start ? Halloween Confused

Op, leave your H and don't attend any more of these sessions.

On a previous thread you would have been advised not to do couples counselling with an abusive man. This is an example of why that is so true.

Original poster
0verNow · 01/11/2015 12:29

No, not an affair or anything sexual.

In a nutshell, we used to work for the same firm and he was sacked 8.5 years ago. He always maintained he was innocent. Over the summer he confessed that he did do something minor along similar lines. I've since found out that he did exactly the thing he was accused about, and to cover up something worse.

That may not sound so bad to others, but it's had a hugely detrimental effect on my own career, because senior people in my firm (assuming I knew the truth) stopped trusting my judgement.

OP posts:
Original poster
0verNow · 01/11/2015 12:50

Actually, I wouldn't have stayed with him, had I known the truth 8.5 years ago.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 01/11/2015 13:00

Well in that case it's even clearer. You know what you have to do. Leave the bastard already!!

timelytess · 01/11/2015 13:02

It is perfectly acceptable not to try.
It is not acceptable for a counsellor to put pressure on you to do something you are not happy about.

If you want to leave him/throw him out, do so. You don't need to justify that. Just do it.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 01/11/2015 13:18

You already have tried.
It is ok to quit. Enough is enough.

Would it be an easier thought process to consider it as it is you giving him the sack too? Why on earth would you continue to put up with it/him?

I agree with individual counselling for you.

pocketsaviour · 01/11/2015 13:32

I figure I might as well at least look as though I've given it a go in the hope it makes DH less unbearable when the inevitable happens.

I understand your fear OP and your hope that you can deflect some of his anger. However if anything I think you're prolonging the process and he may then be even angrier that not only are you not doing what you were told to, but that the counsellor (who, if I remember, rightly guaranteed your STBXH that he would bring you back to heel) has failed, or as he will see it, "ripped him off" which he totally deserves, the fuckhead

I would cancel the rest of this counselling and at least then you can get into counselling through work, which has to be positive, right?

Please also have a read of this about covering your tracks online as much as possible.

zipzap · 01/11/2015 13:49

From what I've read on here, it's not a good idea to have couples counselling if one of the partners is abusive in any way... Not sure if that's at all or just being in sessions together - as the abusers (especially those that are EA) manage to turn it into another form of abuse.

Sounds like that's the case here too - and by forking out that amount of money, he's managed to turn it into FA too which is pretty impressive Angry

If he forged your signature to take part then the counsellor should have had the ethics to stop the counselling rather than carrying on and saying that you should do whatever your dh wants as he's paid you should give your dh another chance. If you were going to do joint counselling then you should have chosen jointly - and to pay out that amount of money up front is ridiculous, without checking that a) you both liked the counsellor and b) that his counselling actually worked Shock. Definitely sounds like your dh has more money than sense to pay what is probably almost the full amount of an average annual wage after tax for something so nebulous (not that I think counselling is nebulous - but proper, decent, reasonably priced counselling rather than somebody declaring themselves a counsellor and charging £££).

Is he registered with a professional body if he's charging that amount of money - who you could complain to?

As for your dh following you on MN - have you looked up how to do private browsing - not sure where the info is for it sorry, but hopefully somebody on here should be able to tell you. Then at least he won't be able to follow you by using your browser history, he'd have to read through lots of threads and guess if it is you. Do you know for sure too that he hasn't installed a keylogger or any other way of recording what happens on your computer to check on what you're doing?

For what it's worth - I'd listen to your gut instincts. You know you've been hoodwinked by this guy in the past, to your detriment. Can you 'decide' to follow the counsellor's advice for a week or two, include in that as part of the deal from your side that if it's all to be equal and as you discovered he's lied to you about stuff that you want to have your half of the savings in your name... get it in your name and give it another couple of weeks and then go, saying it's just not working, he is still being an abusive 'h' and that you don't feel safe, even less so now than before. Or just get out and get your share of the savings when you divorce - can you use the time now to gather info ready for divorce?

Good luck - sounds like you're going to need it SadFlowers

zipzap · 01/11/2015 13:53

Oh and if you do go to any of the rest of the sessions then be very clear at the end that you did not find them helpful - that you found them to be the opposite of helpful and more angled towards dh being able to continue his abuse of you by keeping you tied to him. And that you absolutely do not want to come to any more sessions, that you feel they are extortion of money and that if dh wants more counselling then this time you get to choose the counsellor and the cost! Having done it his way, then it would be unfair not to do it your way next for the next £16,000 worth 12 sessions of counselling.

kittybiscuits · 01/11/2015 14:26

Leave your husband. Report the counsellor to his professional body in the unlikely event that he belongs to one. Good luck with the rest of your life x

kittybiscuits · 01/11/2015 14:28

Is it OP's husband's money being spent on this abusive pseudo therapy set up? It sounds like marital funds to me.

Original poster
0verNow · 01/11/2015 19:38

Marital funds. Until very recently, we earned roughly the same amount but I paid 75% of our bills. He put the rest of his wages into "our" savings. Now, he earned double or triple what I earn, but at least we're paying bills 50:50. And, TBF, his earnings are very lumpy so month-by-month he takes home the same as me still.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 01/11/2015 19:47

Is the savings account a joint one? Or is it just in his name?

I think I can guess the answer, but I hope I'm wrong!

Original poster
0verNow · 01/11/2015 19:54

Just in his name.

OP posts: