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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it acceptable to not even try?

153 replies

0verNow · 01/11/2015 09:53

Our couples counsellor is putting a lot of pressure on me, to try again at our marriage - mostly because we have DCs, but also because he thinks DH deserves the opportunity to mend his ways.

I don't want to. I feel too ground down by DH's EA behaviour over the past 10 years. I can't forget, even if I forgive. I don't love him, or trust him, or frankly even like him very much at the moment.

I've told our counsellor this, several times. He doesn't accept my viewpoint. He says DH doesn't understand what he's done wrong and will be a different man when he does understand.

Am I wrong to simply say that enough is enough? The phrase that keeps running through my head is "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me".

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 01/11/2015 20:15

I truly don't know where to start with this

The quack is taking 16k ( ) to join your husband is systematically batter you into submission.

You need to find out what money is in your joint savings.

And you need to believe that you have the right to leave this relationship. You don't owe it another chance. You have given it so, so much more of a chance than most people would have.

NameChange30 · 01/11/2015 20:26

"You need to find out what money is in your joint savings."

It's not joint savings. He calls it joint but the account is in his name.

OP, next time he's out at work, get copies of all the relevant financial paperwork you can find, and then take it to a solicitor. Preferably one recommended by Women's Aid.

Helenluvsrob · 01/11/2015 20:35

Isn't one of the 1st rules don't do couples counselling with an abuser? This sounds awful op. Get out now well when you've got all the financial info and exposed the counsellor as an utter charlatan money laundering game !

kittybiscuits · 01/11/2015 22:12

Have you got access to statements? Are they locked away?

Eminado · 01/11/2015 22:25

I TOTALLY agree with the PP who mentioned money laundering, if not pure and simple siphoning.

I know money is not everything but I honestly cannot comprehend how you can be so calm about this. I must be very poor because I would not be able to let this go.

Aussiemum78 · 02/11/2015 00:17

Can we get anyfucker to set up a life coach website and get £16k off the ops husband for "safekeeping"?

Could be a fun thread hearing about those counselling sessions!

zipzap · 02/11/2015 00:58

OP what would happen if, next time you went to counselling, you said to the counsellor that you believed that your dh is being financially abusive and that if he really wanted to show that he was changing then he would agree to a system of accounts whereby you both put an equal proportion of your wages into a joint account to pay bills and legitimate expenses (childcare, transport to work, kids clothes etc), you took equal spending money for the month (be that from a joint account or a personal account) and that the spare money each month was split equally - either in a joint savings account that you both have access to or personal savings accounts - but that you have everything going through the first joint account so that you both know how much is going through - and of course that you have full access to all financial info.

There are several different ways of setting accounts up - different things work for different people - but the willingness or not of your dh to be transparent and to share his financial info will say a lot about how he intends to behave within the relationship going forward... As will his reaction to being asked to put in the same percentage of his wages as you into the family pot (rather than the same amount as he does) - why should you end up with no savings in your name (I know you are now building some up but it doesn't sound like you are getting your fair share).

You seem to think that the fact that he is now paying 50% of the bills is a good thing despite earning lots more than you, and that you paying 75% of the bills when you earned the same was reasonable, whilst he managed to save significantly more (for every £100 you saved it looks like he got £300).

If his income is a bit up and down then it's easy enough to work flexibility into the system to ensure that there is enough in the joint bank account for all bills etc to get paid and that any lump sums or excess amounts can be shared further down the line.

It's great that you have taken some steps to get away from his financial abuse of you - but there are still a lot to go... Good luck.

FarticCircle · 02/11/2015 04:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

0verNow · 02/11/2015 06:27

Conversely, does anyone think I should try and work through our problems - if I can find it in myself to do so?

OP posts:

cailindana · 02/11/2015 06:45

How can you 'work through' the problems? He lies, he's stealing from you, he's paid someone thousands and thousands of pounds to bully you. He's a complete nutter - you should get away asap.

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 02/11/2015 06:56

It really is over now its now up to you to get of this merry go round of what he is choosing to do regarding this marriage.
Make the choose to be happy and stop seeing this counselor and get on with your own pathway.
Stop being led its that simple.
You said at the beginning its over.
So let it be it over.
Up thread a lot of lovely people have giving you guidance.
Take it and run.

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 02/11/2015 06:57

been

DoreenLethal · 02/11/2015 07:40

Conversely, does anyone think I should try and work through our problems

Love - the problem IS your husband.

NameChange30 · 02/11/2015 08:35

"Conversely, does anyone think I should try and work through our problems - if I can find it in myself to do so?"

Nope.

AnyFucker · 02/11/2015 08:39

Have you actually read and thought about any of the shocked reactions and heartfelt advice on your thread ?

If you took as little notice of your husband and his mate from down the pub this "counsellor" as you have done of us you wouldn't be in the shit situation you are right now

Isetan · 02/11/2015 08:46

You know he's not going to change and you know exactly what to do and why. which begs the question, why haven't you?

Original poster

0verNow · 02/11/2015 09:09

Yes, I've read and re-read this thread, and my previous ones which had to be pulled (I saved the content before they were deleted).

I do have a SHL, and everything is ready to go.

Sometimes, when it's one's own life, a little reassurance is needed. I feel very lonely at the moment, with no-one to confide in.

OP posts:

Jux · 02/11/2015 09:19

You have wasted enough of your life. Please don't do it any more.

Don't go to the counsellor again, you have many many many more important things to give your time and energy to.

WA, solicitor, to name two, but I'm sure, absolutely certain, that going to that session is the least important thing in your life. You jave tried hard enough, and can stop now. Rest.

nauticant · 02/11/2015 09:20

zipzap is on to something. If you're going to go along to these sessions decide that you have one goal and that's to get the "joint savings" put into joint names. Be a broken record over how this is a symbol to you of unfairness and setting this unfairness right is essential to being able to move forward in the "counselling" and make progress.

It'll also give you a chance to assess the "counsellor". My bet is he'll resist his male client losing control over his money because he's only acting for one of you. And it's not you OP.

NameChange30 · 02/11/2015 09:24

Don't you have a close friend or family member you can talk to?

If you stop the "counselling" with the con man, you could get a proper counsellor, who would be a very good person to talk to.

Original poster

0verNow · 02/11/2015 09:39

DH, for many years, strongly encouraged me not to talk to anyone about our problems. I have a couple of friends at work who I talk to, but I'm very conscious that they're colleagues too. I can't talk to my family; my parents are in poor health.

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 02/11/2015 09:52

DH, for many years, strongly encouraged me not to talk to anyone about our problems.

As I said - he is your problem. He isn't likely to encourage you to talk to anyone about it because they are likely to tell you to run a mile.

NameChange30 · 02/11/2015 09:53

Yep. Isolating you from friends and family is of course a classic in the abuse handbook.

Original poster

0verNow · 02/11/2015 09:55

I feel sad, and small, and lonely. And scared of the future, for our DCs and me.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 02/11/2015 09:56

and a hug.
Your future will be a LOT better than life is now.
You will need a very good solicitor though!

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