So what are the chances of meeting a life partner at 45 ?

[darlingish]

In a nutshell met ex h at 18 and was married at 19 , had 4 dc and now at 45 I'm single !
Been separated 18 mths and started divorce proceedings.
Was very unhappy for many years and am blessed to be free now .
Met a lovely man in the spring and had my first romance and although I love him to bits and vice versa it cannot last for many reasons .
Wrong time wrong place .
When he leaves which he will early next year we will be friends for life and may well come back together one day but certainly for the next 5 years he will be on the other side of the world .
So ... I have 4 dc, 2 at home still .
I have a a demanding job .
No family support so very busy , ie up at 6 and don't stop until 11 every day as ex rarely sees his dc.
I do know that I need to be happy on my own and not rely on a man to make me happy , so that a future relationship will enhance my life not be the sole making of it iykwim.
Kind of feel like the next ten years is my time to get happy , enjoy life and my dc and do the dating I never did in my youth .
I read on the internet that apparently a woman finding a life partner in her mid forties is more likely to be killed in an accident !
It's made me think OMG .
I know it's ok to be single but after the summer romance I've had with my lovely man friend I would so love to share the rest of my life with the right person ( pref him but hey ho ) .

So what are the odds ?
Is it really that bad out there ?

Of course everyone has preferences, some women like tall men, some like short men; some like them slim and sleek, some like them built like hairy bears; some like them muscular, some like a 'dad bod'...

But even men posting on here are talking about them and their friends making no apology foriwanting young and slim. Like it's the only viable version of a woman.

It would just be nice if thegmajority of men weren't all looking for the same small percentage of women!

And, as I said before, even those men who don't specify young and slim, who do have a wider acceptable age rang, etc, would still prefer, on reflection, someone young and slim. They just don't want to limit their options outright.

This was my experience as a 9st size 10/12 38 yo. So when I talk about myself not being young, slim or pretty enough, I'm really not 15st with greasy hair and last night's takeaway spilt down my top.

But many men seem to think that, if they ask, a half naked, pouting, size 8 blonde 20yo will come. And she won't. It would just be nice if some men had more imagination.

That's funny folk!!

Also cant remember which of the men said in his defence that he is not obliged to accommodate women. Well i never argued that. What i was arguing was that my experiences were normal and typical.

I don't think anyone is saying there aren't men out there who want a younger, slimmer woman. Good luck to them.....I suspect my OD charmer was possibly of that mindset. He still contacts me, three years later, possibly can't believe an old bag blew him out. Ha ha.

Maybe I was screened out by most of them doing OD. Hurrah !

The two men I have had relationships with that I met in real life, I have felt like the only woman in the world. It happens.....

Yes... I still think in real life they don't define you so primarily by your age in the same way that OLD encourages.

The two male posters, they went round in circles for pages insisting that it was offensive to say ''all men'' and then the closing argument was that they're not obliged to accommodate older women! So it makes all the protestations of outright all the more pointless.

My ex met his wife through a book forum....neither of them were looking on there for a partner. No expectations.

Perhaps OD fosters an expectation, the very nature of the beast. Dunno.

I am asking this question from curiosity

I've never dated online. I'm guessing they keep stats etc, likewise for speed dating events. I'm wondering, are there stats that say men in their 40s and 50s are looking for younger women? it seems to be very much a given - not just on the boards here but among my friends - that that is the case.

a pp said there are lots of lovely people in that age group who can't be found because they are not looking to date. I agree with that.

The two male posters, they went round in circles for pages insisting that it was offensive to say ''all men'' and then the closing argument was that they're not obliged to accommodate older women!

Also interesting that "older" actually means "the same age" and not actually older at all!

sorry, I have just scrolled back and realised my question was answered earlier - ruddy phone - sorry, ignore me!

I know everyone has different experiences, but mine is that I was ruled out of many men's searches for being too old (when it was quite clear from reading their profile and looking at their pictures that they were, in every sense, too old for me). When men did have a wider age search criteria, they clearly hoped they'd attract a younger woman.

The bottom line is that, it was my choice to not see a man again (in all but one case) and I ended the two relationships I have had.

They could all list 101 reasons they liked me; these weren't men who'd discovered I was old before my time or had nothing in common with.

I just wasn't young enough and they'd set their heart on a 28yo. No more, no less. And they clearly felt they were 'settling' by dating a 38-40yo rather than a 28yo.

I'm not disputing other people's experiences, but this is mine.

That was it. It really was that arbitrary.

So I probably do sound a bit bitter. I'm not. I am incredulous though that so many people are so short sighted.

Maybe I'm not one of the "two male posters" referred to but if I am, you can review what I've written and you won't find me denying that all men want a younger woman, or "taking offense" at anything at all. I did deny that it's ALL about age, for ME at least, and I did get a bit heated when called a liar, twice, without cause.

My principal point was, and is, that if you want to indulge the preferences you all have (even a preference for an intelligent man of androgynous mind, which somehow apparently doesn't count as a preference), you're going to be competing with younger women. So you'd better pay attention to men's preferences, lose some weight, put on a happy face, show some feminine qualities. Complaining that men's preferences are unfair or unrealistic will get you nowhere. Your opinions of our preferences don't matter and will not change them. We don't owe you! Best to all.

@slight said:

"The two male posters, they went round in circles for pages insisting that it was offensive to say ''all men'' and then the closing argument was that they're not obliged to accommodate older women! So it makes all the protestations of outright all the more pointless."

It's pretty lazy to conflate the two of us. We said different things. I didn't and don't deny all men want younger women. It's true, I even posted a graph as evidence; thats denial?! I find the fact amusing, honestly. My statement that I'm not obliged to accommodate you fits perfectly with that. Men's preferences are what they are, so deal with the real world.

And "protestations of outright," does that mean something?

All best.

manohman "show some feminine qualities".

another question from pure curiosity, what's a "feminine quality"?

I feel I ought to share some info while I'm here - I don't date anymore but when I did, I did find that many men thought I was younger than I was. It only horrified the 20somethings who thought they were chatting up someone their own age. But it was noticeable that the 50somethings were quite disappointed when they heard my real age.

Meanwhile, I think Kylie Minogue is dating a 27 year old. Also, random example, a friend just had to go to abroad to help set up a new office and was a bit horrified when the "help" she found there was about 25. But now she's saying this 25 year old is the one of the best workers she's ever worked with. Another example of why I'm not keen on classifying people by age. You just never know really. Maturity levels, interests etc, everything varies so wildly.

It sounds to me like OD has a life of its' own! Is it fantasyland?

I can't believe the pp saying that at 9st and a size 10 she was not considered slim!! I would say most men would view a size 10, 9st woman slim...no?

Where are all these young, slim, gorgeous, women willing to date older men?

Truth be told, they don't exist! And if they do they are probably looking for an older man who is reasonably good looking and has lots of money. A sugar daddy perhaps?

As much as these men might like the idea of a gorgeous, younger woman, sadly for most of them that is a fantasy that will never be fulfilled!

@lorelei asked: "what's a "feminine quality"?"

I'm a traditionalist. I believe men and women are actually different; men are not just women with a penis. Femininity attracts the masculine; masculinity attract the feminine. I've already been ridiculed here for suggesting as much, accused of living in 1952, being in my late 70's. Whatever.

I like a woman who does what other men cannot do. I'm not interested in a woman wholly caught up in trying to do better (though in many cases she can!) the things a man can do.

A feminine woman deliberately does things to make her man happy. (I know, this is the foulest heresy these days. It's a fundamental tenant of feminism that women must be stingy with love).

Think of your grandmother. Or her mother maybe. She very likely displayed many feminine traits. And probably was quite happy.

Man yes, we all have preferences, but why will so many men only consider women so much younger?

It's not a natural preference, it's a social construction.

I'm 40. My dad was 60 when he died. I don't fancy men the same age as my dad. I know 40 yo men who are always single because they will only consider 20-25yos and, generally, 20-25yo women don't fancy 40yo men.

Wanting someone youthful and who looks after themselves is perfectly fine. We all want that! No ine wants someone who is miserable, old and has let themselves go. But you can find that in people of all ages.

I have a friend who is 70 and most definitely an old man. And another of 73 who is vibrant and youthful and a bit of a laugh. They're completely different

I think the bit I don't get is that it doesn't seem to matter what other qualities the woman has/doesn't have, or how attractive she is/isn't, , the only thing of any importance is her year of birth.

I quite fancy a man who is 50. Although he'd pass for late 30s, is fit, youthful, a bit of a laugh... but that is him. On the whole, the 50yo men I meet are boring, grumpy old farts!

ThisisstillFolkGirl - my last BF was 52 when I was 37. He was fit and gorgeous. All about the individual.

manohman - that doesn't answer my question. especially the "I like a woman who does what other men cannot do."

what can this magic woman do that no man could possibly do - assuming you are not referring to anything tawdry, lol.

you say "think of your grandmother". I prefer not to. She was married at 14, because it was better than picking rice which I believe she did from the age of 8, and the man who offered was wealthy. She had many many children. I don't think she was particularly interested in them, but given how her complete lack of life choices left her between a rock and hard place, I can see why she chose as she did.

I have never met her as she died before I was born, her body was pretty much knackered from a very young age, what with the back breaking labour and then constant reproduction. She did live in a very nice house after marriage, but I don't think that makes up for the other issues.

I don't even want to think about what my great-grandmother's life was like. I've never asked anyone, it must be a dire tale.

"A feminine woman deliberately does things to make her man happy. (I know, this is the foulest heresy these days. It's a fundamental tenant of feminism that women must be stingy with love)."

It's an odd one. OTOH you say you owe women nothing, on the other you want a feminine woman who is striving to make you happy and the implication there is that you feel a woman owes you something, but not vice versa. There are many definitions of femininity and I don't have time for that discussion right now. I'm intrigued though that for you it's linked to pleasing a man. My last boyfriend was happy with beer and lots of sex. He liked a woman who could drink a pint and appreciated the fact that horsewomen enjoy athletic sex and tend to be very inventive. But those are not things traditionally associated with femininity. Plus, we had a very reciprocal relationship. It wasn't about me changing who I was to suit him - we both enjoyed doing things for each other to make each other happy.

"Think of your grandmother. Or her mother maybe. She very likely displayed many feminine traits. And probably was quite happy."

Well my grandmother was deeply unhappy in her marriage and felt very thwarted. My grandparents' marriage was not a happy one. Her mother was in service. I don't know a great deal about her life but I doubt scrubbing floors is the one true path to delight.

"you'd better pay attention to men's preferences, lose some weight, put on a happy face, show some feminine qualities. Complaining that men's preferences are unfair or unrealistic will get you nowhere."

I have a BMI of 19. I'm very happy with my health and appearance. I love my body exactly how it is and have no intention of losing any weight, thanks. As for a happy face, if a man has the personality of Bill Bailey, I'm more likely to be happy. If he's demanding, odd, thinks he owes me nothing and I'm there for his pleasure, I'm likely to be grumpy and will also not have anything to do with him. As for feminine qualities, I am who I am. It's not an act and I'm not going to change who I am just to please some man. Fortunately some men appreciate insightful, funny, eloquent, intelligent women who know what a socket spanner is for and aren't afraid to use it. As for the age thing? Well realistically I tend to look around 6-10 years max either side of my own age. If men don't like that, tant pis. They'll get nowhere with me.

@alaugh said: "As much as these men might like the idea of a gorgeous, younger woman, sadly for most of them that is a fantasy that will never be fulfilled!"

That's probably accurate in many, maybe most, cases. Maybe that fact will keep not-so-gorgeous older women warm at night!!

It's not accurate, however, for older men who are prosperous, fit, relatively good-looking, fun, and masculine. Men like me. The men women of my age want but mostly can't get, not just because they're older (than younger women) but because they're practically all overweight and unpleasant.

I was in a shop with my mother the other day. Five women came in together, in workout clothes. All appeared to be in their late 30's or early 40's, so they were "younger" women to me. None wore a wedding ring. All had nice faces and were smiling. Five prospects, you say? No, zero prospects. All were at least 40 pounds overweight. I wouldn't touch them with a barge pole. You think a man of their age with things on the ball will? I see this over and over and over. Advice to most women interested in finding a life partner at 45: lose some weight.

I am 44 and last year I met mine. After coming out of a terrible end to an awful lie filled marriage.

Started as friends with no pressure but he swept me off my feet.

Neither of us were looking for more than solace of friendship, to talk and have company, everyone thinks it's rebound I guess, but I know in my heart this gentle soul is the one I guess I waited for all my life.

I could get angry that I wasted my first time experiences on others that never really treasured them enough. But what does bitterness achieve in the long run...

I guess on the whole I feel very sad that because of all the hurt in the past I am very nervous about giving chances when I should be carefree with him. But he is the same. We take it slow and it's sweet in that way. We both have lives and we live around them. A year later the respect is still there and the love has grown deep.

It's bitter sweet because it's based on fear of repeating previous life experiences which holds us back and can be frustrating. But every day I say thank you for the fact he has come into my life. It was worth all the pain just to know him for a second. And I think I had to make this journey to really appreciate someone like him.

@this: I've said over and over it isn't directly about age, for me at least. It's about the age of the women who commonly have qualities I desire. Don't know how to make that clearer. I think we are largely saying the same things.

@lore: Women won't tell me which aspects of masculinity aren't "toxic" either. I suspect if you're old enough to be interested in this thread, you know what femininity looks like.

@gab: More misunderstanding. I owe women IN GENERAL nothing, I'm not obliged to change my preferences or strategy so women of my age get what they want. I've said little or nothing about a man's role in a committed relationship. Suffice it to say that I do NOT believe "I owe you nothing" describes it. Obviously a woman of 19 BMI doesn't need to lose weight, good for you. But do you deny that huge numbers of middle-aged women are overweight? There's no need to misinterpret my statements. Surely - coming as they do from an old man who believes traditional sex roles are largely biological not cultural and actually make people who follow them happier - my arguments are easy enough to shoot down without resorting to that.

Ha ha man my mother left her husband my father in the 60s with two pre schoolers and the clothes we stood up in. Lots of woman weren't happy back then, just extremely difficult to get out of an unhappy marriage. You became a social pariah. Thank fuck for woman like my mother, they paved the way, proved there is another way. My mother rocks.....

Thing is man, when I was actively dating, I was between 9 and 9andahalf stone.

My weight didn't seem to make any difference.

I could probably stand to lose a stone at the moment. But that's 14lb. Not 40!

I certainly don't want an overweight man with a beer belly or a double chin and, if I'm honest, I wouldn't want a man who was interested in me at a point when I didn't feel attractive. So yes, physical attraction is important.

But what about the 40something women who are already slim and fit?

@51: Thank fuck, huh? Which "other way" is that?

Yeah, our mothers/grandmothers weren't happy. They just didn't have any choices.