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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So what are the chances of meeting a life partner at 45 ?

295 replies

darlingish · 31/10/2015 01:32

In a nutshell met ex h at 18 and was married at 19 , had 4 dc and now at 45 I'm single !
Been separated 18 mths and started divorce proceedings.
Was very unhappy for many years and am blessed to be free now .
Met a lovely man in the spring and had my first romance and although I love him to bits and vice versa it cannot last for many reasons .
Wrong time wrong place .
When he leaves which he will early next year we will be friends for life and may well come back together one day but certainly for the next 5 years he will be on the other side of the world .
So ... I have 4 dc, 2 at home still .
I have a a demanding job .
No family support so very busy , ie up at 6 and don't stop until 11 every day as ex rarely sees his dc.
I do know that I need to be happy on my own and not rely on a man to make me happy , so that a future relationship will enhance my life not be the sole making of it iykwim.
Kind of feel like the next ten years is my time to get happy , enjoy life and my dc and do the dating I never did in my youth .
I read on the internet that apparently a woman finding a life partner in her mid forties is more likely to be killed in an accident !
It's made me think OMG .
I know it's ok to be single but after the summer romance I've had with my lovely man friend I would so love to share the rest of my life with the right person ( pref him but hey ho ) .

So what are the odds ?
Is it really that bad out there ?

OP posts:
TheImminentGin · 03/11/2015 22:30

manohman "sweet disposition" has sugary overtones for me. It sounds patronising and submissive.
A woman can be "pleasant" and be friendly, kind, warm, vivacious, fun, full of life and energy but not conjure up this old fashioned sounding "sweet disposition" for me. It sounds like something out of an Austen novel.
I'm surprised that you use this phrase to describe the type of person you are looking for. It doesn't sit well.
I wonder if you could consider that, as evidenced by some of the reactions you have received on this thread, perhaps your views are slightly outmoded, may strike many women as offensive and may need to be reviewed?

lorelei9 · 03/11/2015 23:41

I'll have to stop watching the thread before it ruins one of my favourite songs... "sweet disposition"

m.youtube.com/watch?v=vN7HQrgakZU

51howdidthathappen · 03/11/2015 23:54

Mr can't get a slim younger woman. Still here then Grin

HelenaDove · 04/11/2015 00:05

Can i ask again If you were in a relationship with a woman who gained weight due to illness/medication would you stay or leave.

think i know the answer already

51howdidthathappen · 04/11/2015 00:17

Just eaten a bag of chocolate peanuts. Take me out and shoot me.....

BringMeTea · 04/11/2015 02:03

lorelei I nearly posted that earlier in the thread! Truly uplifting song.
Oh, and I am going back a bit threadwise but you meant 'tenet' not 'tenant' manohman. Hth.

Gabilan · 04/11/2015 11:30

For some reason the other song that comes to mind is Carly Simon's "You're so vain I bet you think this thread song is about you".

sillymummy11 · 04/11/2015 15:06

My gran was widowed in her 40's and she had 3 children all living at home. She met a man through work- a divorcee. He was lovely- acted as a father would (but respecting that he wasn't) towards my father and his siblings, and then like a grandfather to me and me sister, and cousins. They were together for over 30 years, married in their 60's, and when she moved into a home because she had alzheimers he followed soon after and they shared a room. Our entire family loved him dearly (sadly passed away). It is possible.

stargirl04 · 05/11/2015 02:24

What an amazing insight this thread has been, and what splendid entertainment!

Grin at the posts about Jane Austen and time machines - which I agree with.

I find that a depressing proportion - though certainly by no means all - men tend to overrate themselves in terms of their attractiveness and desirability.

I've known very average-looking men without substantial financial resources who've only ever pursued very good-looking women, and, inevitably, had no success with them.

One such man I know ended up settling (temporarily) for someone he "liked" but "didn't really want", as he put it, who, objectively, was of a similar level of physical attractiveness, in a similar economic position and of a similar age, except he felt somehow that he was "dating down", as it were.

I also knew a very overweight man who once described a woman we knew as someone "who doesn't sweat much for a fat lass", and another - one of his friends, in fact, who said he "didn't fancy women over the age of 25". This man was 40, average looking (at best) and without significant financial resources. Yet he wasn't interested in any woman over 25.

Did he 'get' a woman of 25 or younger? No.

It seems that some men - though not all - want to "trade up". A (very successful) man once told me that "men were always in competition with each other" and judged their worldly success by comparing how prestigious their car was - and how good-looking their wife was - to those of their peers. (Almost as though the wife was just another luxury possession.)

It's interesting to hear what manohman has to say. It appears that, ultimately, women are coveted or discarded based on their sexual currency, and over a certain age our sexual currency is diminished.

Women may have changed but a certain breed of men haven't. His FFD acronym is a telling indication that, while modern women have made much progress compared to previous generations, we are still not considered equal to men, assessed primarily by our physical attributes and should be seen and not heard.

In fact the "pleasant disposition" remark reminds me of the Stepford Wives.

As manohman has so eloquently explained, women are considered to be of value if they look good, cater to men's needs and maintain a "pleasant disposition". Perhaps the feminist writer Kathy Lette is right - that ultimately we're little more than life support systems for breasts and vaginas.

HustleRussell · 05/11/2015 07:07

I think it is hard, particularly if you don't want someone else's baggage. If you don't mind that, it is probably easier than it ever has been as a lot of people seem to come from a broken home.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/11/2015 08:14

"It seems that some men - though not all - want to "trade up"."

Many women do too and in fact marrying up in terms of socio-economic position was traditionally the aim for women, but not for men. I think that what you're forgetting is that what is considered attractive in men and women is different. Many women still look for personality etc. in men, but looks are almost always the most important factor for a man looking for a woman. I don't think it's particularly worse than some of my friends over 45 who will only go out with a man who owns his own house. These friends complain about arriving at a date with someone they met online who turns out to be bald or fat, but then complain and complain about men who only value looks. They don't even see the hypocrisy.

lighteningirl · 05/11/2015 08:16

my dh and all his friends like strong feisty independent women the same age as them, join a gym/ start a class/go to a museum smile enjoy yourself and look reasonably approachable. Reject anyone with drug alcohol or financial issues and like yourself. Then your life partner will not only be drawn to you but able to find you. Sit on the sofa stuffing your face moaning about how fat unattractive men only want 25 year olds or Stepford wives and the truth is attractive nice men can't find you and if they did won't want you.

Also avoid bitter divorcees like the plague they colour your view of the world and men avoid them like the plague. You can.support a friend in need but don't enable. I have been miserably single/happily single/bitter/miserably married/ only liked bad boys and finally found true love post 45. The difference was in me not in mankind I looked at myself and my behaviour and when I was happy with myself (and happily single) nice men were everywhere I just couldn't see them before.

lorelei9 · 05/11/2015 10:06

stargirl, your post made me think of the "last fuckable day" sketch.

I am curious to know which celeb manohman is told he resembles.

As I said before, I no longer date but I have been concerned about friends doing online dating because of what I hear. That said, this morning's email brought an engagement announcement between a man of 47 and a woman of 42. But that guy has said to me that he would want someone with whom he had all the "cultural reference" stuff in common.

Something I pick up in this thread is that there is maybe an element of "who would I date" being mixed up with "who would I consider a life partner" though I realise that the first part has to,er, come first!

I do have moments where I think certain things would be easier with a man around but increasingly I feel that's about protection from other men. For example, having someone know you're coming home late at night. i don't actually crave the company IYSWIM. The fact that at 40 I still think "protection from blokes" would be useful is quite depressing.

sorry OP, this thread has indeed wandered far from what you were talking about, but hopefully my friend's engagement will cheer you up Smile

Gabilan · 05/11/2015 13:06

"strong feisty independent women"

Interesting choice of adjective. It's not unusual to describe a woman as feisty but I rarely see the term applied to men. I suspect this is because behaviour viewed as feisty in a woman is seen as normal and unproblematic in men.

"Sit on the sofa stuffing your face moaning about how fat unattractive men only want 25 year olds or Stepford wives and the truth is attractive nice men can't find you and if they did won't want you."

Is there any evidence that anyone here is sitting on the sofa stuffing their face and moaning? Sounding off on a thread about meeting someone when over the age of 45 does not equal beaching yourself on the sofa with a pile of doughnuts. Yes, I've been sharing my experiences on here. I also join groups, cycle commute over an Iron Man course (you can stuff your face if you're climbing 100ft per mile, in fact you kind of need to to maintain weight), going to the pub, going to parties, meeting people through work and trying some OLD.

"The difference was in me not in mankind I looked at myself and my behaviour and when I was happy with myself (and happily single) nice men were everywhere I just couldn't see them before."

It's great for you that you've changed and found someone. However, it might help to acknowledge that not everyone is going to share your experience. I'm happy being single. I am fit and active. I have good friends and a job I enjoy. However, whilst there are many nice men out there, in my experience they are not single. It's true I do live in a sparsely populated part of the world so that doesn't help matters. This is my experience - it is different from yours.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 05/11/2015 13:41

However, whilst there are many nice men out there, in my experience they are not single

Absolutely, yes.

I know some lovely, intelligent, interesting, kind and thoughtful men whose primary interest isn't proving their worth by "building wealth" or attracting women young enough to be their daughters.

But they are married or in relationships. Largely because they haven't behaved in ways that will get them kicked out of the family home!

HelenaDove · 05/11/2015 16:57

lighninggirl. Im quite confident and assured since the weight loss. It didnt stop me being asked out by a much older man whose idea of a date was a bunk up in his car behind a local supermarket. I was pushing a trolley around at the time minding my own business. And he could not see why his idea was so unreasonable.

You cant blame women for mens behaviour.

MadeMan · 05/11/2015 19:29

"It didnt stop me being asked out by a much older man whose idea of a date was a bunk up in his car behind a local supermarket."

Nice. Did he really expect you to be fumbling desperately to get your pound out the trolley so you could join him on the backseat of his Ford Fusion?

lighteningirl · 05/11/2015 21:50

I absolutely don't blame women for men's behaviour and i can't see how you got that from my post. I only take responsibility for my own behaviour and try now to surround myself with nice people. My unhappy years were spent blaming myself for everything and trying to 'save' stupid wastrels. If you are happy single great but if you aren't then I believe you and only you can change your future blaming men gives them the power taking responsibility means it stays with you.

I also don't think weight has a huge bearingI got as much attention four stone heavier as I got at my target weight and my dh met me at my skinnier phase didn't even notice me and fell in love me at my heaviest and doesn't care now as long as I am happy.

HelenaDove · 05/11/2015 22:45

lighening thats great. Sorry if i misunderstood you.

HelenaDove · 05/11/2015 22:51

Made Man Grin

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