He says he is keen but doesn't act like it!??

[GlasgowGirl12]

Tearing my hair out a bit with new man. We've only been seeing each other a few weeks but I feel like he's not that keen on me.

I assumed I was being blown off after our first date but he was very shocked I'd interpreted that as he says he thought it was fantastic. We're on 5th date now and after each one I feel like I am being blown off but I'm not.

It's hard to put my finger on why I feel this way but it's the vibe you get when you feel someone doesn't really like you. For example he's hard to pin down for plans. He doesn't phone me. Doesn't give me much information. It's just like a subtle vibe of disinterest.

However if I let him know I'm feeling that vibe he can't understand what I'm talking about and he says he's really liking me a lot.

I'm tearing my hair out because I want to believe eat he is saying but he just acts uninterested!

I know he has a very busy life and job and home situation whereas I have a bit more time of my hands and I also know when we are together I very much feel like he is dead keen. ..he stares at me a lot, kisses a lot, touches a lot, doesn't want to leave or end the date, is kind and wants to talk but when we are not physically in the same room it feels a hit like pulling teeth.

He's a sweet guy...should I just take his word for it ?

It might be that we are in compatable but I'd like to chat it over and let him know what goes on in my head before assuming it's pointless. I really don't think I've made it clear that I like him as much as I do. I might just put my pride aside. Posting here has really helped me to release anxiety and see both sides better. Thanks everyone

Lawyers (I am one and work with them all my career!) can be workaholics and if you have a workaholic, that is not likely to change. Once he is made partner, there will be a slight let up but he will still be under constant pressure to perform as he will be at the bottom of a new greasy pole.

You have to ask yourself whether this is the sort of relationship you want long term because I don't think it will improve much.

If you get married and have children, it is possible that it will be like being a lone parent with a comfortable lifestyle. His work will come first and you might have to give up yours or go very part time. I hope I am not wildly extrapolating but that is the lifestyle of the partners I work with, particularly if he is working in a city or US-based law firm.

Blueshoes makes good points.

If Blueshoes is right and this man may always have demanding work hours, then this relationship probably won't pan out as you seem to need more reassurance than he will be able to give you if he is working a million hours a week.

If you're like this after five dates, how enjoyable will this relationship actually be when you can't see him as much as you would like?

I've had relationships with busy people before but they invested 10 seconds a day into calling me to check in. That's all that makes the difference and keeps the fire burning for me

Honestly, his busyness is not the problem. He makes time for other stuff. I think he's actually commitment phobic / not wanting to get serious. Hence the push and pull. He wants me, but only a few times a month and that fits in with what his needs are right now in his life.

I got all happy yesterday because he asked me to something important with him, and also planned a whole weekend with me in 3 weeks time when we're both off but then I sat back and remembered we are on day 15 and he's still not phoned once, still not asked to make a plan to see me next week and still only texts with "I miss you" or "how was your day" and I have deeper conversations with my dentist.

I think I feel at arms length because I am. I think I feel he likes me but doesn't want to get close to me because that's the truth. I don't think he wants a girlfriend or a relaitonship because he's not building up to that - he's trying to maintain the first date level of intimacy and not move past it.

I don't know what on earth is wrong with me for continuing to go out with someone who makes me feel like they don't want to go out with me, because no one ever has made me feel like that before so I know I'm not bonkers.

I am going to explain it to him, like I said, see what he does. I do like him but I don't like this and I've no reason to continue doing something that makes me unhappy. Would not kill him to phone me up and ask me out on a date for next week instead of saying "we will see each other soon babe". He is 50/50 and so half arsed.

I'm on the point of dumping, so one chat and then that's it. Life is too bloody short.

I agree with your approach. Life is too short and you don't need timewasters at this point in your life.

By the end of the talk, he will know what you want which you are not getting. He is always free to step up but otherwise, you go on and lead your own life.

I used to have a boyfriend who wanted me to slot into a limited part of his life while he continued playing basketball, going to the gym and hanging out with others. He was contemplating a move with his company to a different company and I realised he had not factored me into his decision. I went my own way after that. 2 years later, he got in touch but I had moved on by then. He still gets in touch from time to time but I am so over it (and married with 2 children to a wonderful dh who makes time for me and his family).

Life's too short. Exactly that.

I had a man like that one blueshoes. He claimed to love me exhuastively but he continued playing badminton, am dram, golf, boys nights to the point where we lived together and had one night a week we were both home. it wasn't that he didn't love me; he did; it was just that he was not committed to making time for me and over the duration I became very unhappy.

I don't want or need to be unhappy. It is hard when you really like someone and feel the "magic" with them because it's hard to find but I was cleaning the kitchen just now and thought I'd actually rather be dating someone I liked less, if he was more simple to understand, because feeling any sort of angst is such a waste of life and no one should ever have to do it while dating someone.

I was thinking today of dating other people, and how nice it would be to be phoned, asked out and have a plan for the week in place. Even if he didn't turn my stomach to butterflies that kind of simplicity seems very appealing right now!

I posted a couple of pages ago cos I ended things with a guy just like this about 6 months ago. I think a serious chat where you lay it on the table is the best way forward as you seem to be thinking. If you were thinking of ending it anyway then you have nothing to lose, and at least it gives him the chance to step up, or as what happened with my previous he said the right things but his actions continued to not match up to what I wanted and had told him.
Ironically, I then got together with a guy who texted constantly, wanted to be with me all the time and never left me questioning his feelings for me... however - he was too full on for me and he left me no space for me to develop deeper feelings so I ended that one too!
Am hoping that someone who is a nice middle ground emerges, or the first guy realises what a mistake he made and tries desperately to get back with me...!

OP, I saw this and thought of you

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