Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He says he is keen but doesn't act like it!??

161 replies

GlasgowGirl12 · 26/10/2015 23:39

Tearing my hair out a bit with new man. We've only been seeing each other a few weeks but I feel like he's not that keen on me.

I assumed I was being blown off after our first date but he was very shocked I'd interpreted that as he says he thought it was fantastic. We're on 5th date now and after each one I feel like I am being blown off but I'm not.

It's hard to put my finger on why I feel this way but it's the vibe you get when you feel someone doesn't really like you. For example he's hard to pin down for plans. He doesn't phone me. Doesn't give me much information. It's just like a subtle vibe of disinterest.

However if I let him know I'm feeling that vibe he can't understand what I'm talking about and he says he's really liking me a lot.

I'm tearing my hair out because I want to believe eat he is saying but he just acts uninterested!

I know he has a very busy life and job and home situation whereas I have a bit more time of my hands and I also know when we are together I very much feel like he is dead keen. ..he stares at me a lot, kisses a lot, touches a lot, doesn't want to leave or end the date, is kind and wants to talk but when we are not physically in the same room it feels a hit like pulling teeth.

He's a sweet guy...should I just take his word for it ?

OP posts:
Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 28/10/2015 17:05

Thanks all and sorry Moonie. I suppose it's annoying when you know someone likes you but they are unknowingly driving you away because you want to slap them to get them to notice! I agree it does make you lose interest. Hard to feel butterflies in the tummy if someone can't be bothered to pick up the phone.

I'd say in fairnes I probably am a little bit hard work lol, but I suppose we all have our needs and things that make us happy.

I want the boyfriend who calls just to hear my voice. I know that mght seem silly to some but it makes me feel special, affectionate towards him and brings out the best in me.

OP posts:
Muckogy · 28/10/2015 17:18

my pride wouldn't allow me to chase a man who is only half arsed about me.
i just wouldn't let myself get treated like that. by anyone.
i would drop him like a hot potato and move on.

Wotsitsareafterme · 28/10/2015 19:54

'I want the boyfriend who calls just to hear my voice' - this is why it isn't going to work for you with this guy! You went hard work or needy, you are just you and self aware enough to know what you want from a relationship. Tell him, if he doesn't feel able to provide that then move on but don't blame yourself.

I really notice (and include myself in this) that we sell ourselves short in relationships more than any other area of life - we wouldn't buy shoes that hurt our feet and don't fit for fear of being 'hard work' would we Grin

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 28/10/2015 20:05

thanks for reminding me of that xxx

OP posts:
weeoclock · 28/10/2015 22:56

Glasgowgirl, I really feel for you in this.I had a relationship with a guy this past year who was just like this.it really messes with your head. We were exclusive from about 5 dates in and my feelings for him grew stronger.I now realise I fell in love. Unfortunately he gradually pulled away -we would have a lovely time,but the lack of contact between meet ups really took its toll on me emotionally and I would get very upset by basically being picked up and put back down again. The younger me would have probably allowed it continue as in so many ways he was exactly what I was looking for in a partner. But I think you need to be able to bring out the best in each other in a good and healthy relationship and if someone makes you feel insecure and needy then you are not rightfor each other.Is sooo hard though, 6 months on and I still wonder if I did the right thing....

Wotsitsareafterme · 29/10/2015 00:44

Argh it was supposed to read 'you arnt hard work or needy' hope that didn't offend!

Hope you are ok op

Tram10 · 29/10/2015 06:03

That is bizarre behaviour really, particularly the change from when he was chasing you, not surprised you are confused and questioning what is going on.

Why don't you take the next few weeks to attempt to run the relationship the way you would like, i.e. call him for a chat, tell him you would like to meet up on x day.

Move it up a gear from your side and see how he responds. IF he totally backs off then you have your answer that you are a stop-gap for the times when he has nothing else planned.

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 29/10/2015 12:12

Thanks everyone for those supportive responses that make me feel less of a dick! I agree weoclock, it feels a lot like being picked up and put down constantly and it takes a toll emotionally.

I think it's 14 days now we've not seen each other and we've not got any plans to yet. I suggested seeing each other tonight but he had plans and he's having a party over the weekend that he invited me to but I couldn't make.

I do feel okay. I think my expectation level is going down (which feels like a bad thing) but I am really just going to talk to him. If he likes me as much as he claims he should care that I feel picked up or put down.

What I really want to do is to see each other once a week at least, even if just for lunch at work and get a bit more intimacy on the mental side of things and if he doesn't want to do it then he's not for me.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 29/10/2015 12:48

If you're not ready to end things it'd be fine to take steps back as you need, eg stopping the sexual side of things, or being open to another relationship if you meet anyone interesting.

Duckdeamon · 29/10/2015 12:48

When did he invite you to the party?

Seeyounearertime · 29/10/2015 12:51

even if just for lunch at work
Have I missed a post? Do you work together? I thought he lived an hours drive away? Wouldn't that make lunch at work awkward?

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 29/10/2015 13:08

No but we both work in London so I could easily go for lunch with him, I've got a very flexible schedule. He invited me about a month ago, right before he started getting all funny.

Thing is Duck, I don't quite funciton that way. I am either in or out with people. Have never cheated or dated more than one guy at a time. I get interested in one and can't chat to others so it's not feasible for me to carry on with someone being half arsed while life slips me by.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 29/10/2015 13:08

It seems odd that you can't make a couple of hours for each other over a weekend. Does one of you work weekends or something? Can you suggest just meeting up for a couple of hours, you could meet half way between your houses so it's not too much travelling. I've travelled 45 min to an hour to meetings/clubs the last 3 nights so don't think an hour away is very far to go.
Maybe he thinks you aren't bothered if you aren't keen to go to his party (depending on when he invited you). It sounds as though the last twice he's suggested meeting up it's been you unable to make it due to your work trip and now you not going to his party. If all your suggestions meet with refusals for pathetic reasons then he's sounding unbothered.

CherryPicking · 29/10/2015 13:55

It doesn't sound like you're compatible. This early stage should be the easy bit.

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 29/10/2015 14:33

I will definitely hold my hands up and say that at times I could definitely have given off the impression of not being bothered. I definitely hold back at times so as not to appear keen and maybe at times take it too far the other direction.

Weekends are temporarily very difficult as between us we have a lot going on from work commitments to sports teams to plans with friends. My next available Saturday night is actually 28th November, and yes, I can juggle things, change things or invite him along but I don't because they 2 - 3 times I have suggested something he's sort of ignored the question so I lost my confidence.

He's been very chatty today and yesterday, so hopefully we will have that date soon and talk all this through. I do know it's not meant to be this complicated and don't want it to be!

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 29/10/2015 19:33

Oh crikey, it's all so intense ans such hard work!

I've had relationships that obsessed me- days and nights and months of pointless naval gazing! and they didn't work out. Not a one.

When I met DH it was easy. He was keen and said so and wanted to see me more. I was keen too and we've been together ten years. There was no guessing. It felt so easy after all the years of angst with other people.

Cut your losses. If it's this kind of exhausting angst filled hard work after five dates, then just leave it alone. Set yourself free.

Duckdeamon · 29/10/2015 19:35

I don't think continuing a sexual relationship with this person at this time seems likely to be conducive to you being happy.

HellonHeels · 29/10/2015 20:00

If the next Saturday night you have free is a month away do you actually have time for dating / a boyfriend? Just wondering if he's drawing back because he thinks you're not so interested or not willing to make time for him.

But as for him ignoring it when you make suggestions to meet - why didn't you pull him up on that straight away?

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 29/10/2015 20:18

I think if I have a boyfriend I'd change plans or consider him in them but you have to get there first if you know what I mean. We do both have busy lives but if I meet the right person I'd make.

I stopped being so defensive the last couple of days and just acted like I would have if I wasn't feeling paranoid or vulnerable and felt much better. I was softer / more open with him and he responded much more warmly do maybe part of it has been me.

He invited me to an event in three weeks and made a few future plans to see me. Maybe it's been partially me. I have changed since I started to like him. Been more stand offish

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 29/10/2015 21:55

Glasgow- you shouldn't have to change ("I was softer/more open to him") in order to make a relationship go the way you want. You're massively over analysing this. You're starting to doubt yourself. It's five dates. Get it into perspective.

Be yourself. You seem nice but you seem like you're trying too hard. He sounds okay actually, but maybe just going a different speed to you. You have all these questions for him and you seem quite needy.

Be more confident in yourself. You're nice, he likes you- give him breathing space and he will see that in his own time and at his own speed.

If he doesn't, he wasn't meant for you and all the angst was for nought.

2rebecca · 29/10/2015 22:11

I think also if this relationship is to work you both have to clear your weekends of other stuff for a while and prioritise each other to get things going. Don't do the all or nothing thing at weekends but maybe both arrange to keep Saturday nights free or Sunday lunchtimes or something. You say he prioritises his flatmates but if you won't cancel any of your Saturday evening engagements for the next month it sounds as though you aren't that bothered either as Saturday nights are usually quite important nights in relationships where people live in different towns.

MissBattleaxe · 29/10/2015 22:16

To be honest, it's not a crime to prioritise his flatmates as they are his friends. He's been on five dates with you. I'd be a bit Hmm if he blew all his friends out all the time to be with a new woman.

What if he blew them all out for a woman and it fizzled out after a few months? He's right to still maintain his friendships.

2rebecca · 29/10/2015 22:38

I agree but both of them having no time at all to be together sounds odd. He has a party, OK that's one evening. A weekend has 2 days and 3 evenings. It seems odd that they can't phone each other and sort out 2-3 hours over the whole weekend when they can be together.
I think maintaining friendships and hobbies is important but you have to both make time in your lives to see each other and in the early stages that often means cancelling other stuff if you've overplanned your weekends.

blueshoes · 29/10/2015 23:35

When you say he is a lawyer in London and busy, how busy? Overnighters and every weekend? Is he in the run up to partnership - because he is at around the age if he is mid-thirties.

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 29/10/2015 23:52

Yes he's in a big phase career wise that means he often works nights and weekends and I also travel a lot for my job. I will concede he spens any free night we both have with me.

I think most people are right and I've massively over worried. I think he's just a simple person who's quite slow, sensible and just getting to know me.

It's probably just not seeing each other that much that creates all the extra time apart that I've analysed.

I felt pretty clear he was into me today. He did something very thoughtful for me and he's said multiple times he wishes he was with me.

I think he's just not like the men I've been used to and needs time and space. I'll talk a bit and explain that it makes me ferl a bit picked up and put diwn and the give it a few weeks to unravel itself.

I am sure he's a really good man, not intending to create this anxiety in me and it's not really his fault . I will just explain certain things do my head in...like not checking in or not answering questions directly and knowing him he will listen, apologise and make an effort.

Sorry I've ranted on for so long. I just really like him and it's been confusing. I would like to be a bit more chilled and relaxed and not so needy but I do agree with some of the posters who said it's ok for me to want certain things so I might just explain.

He's really got no idea what I want so maybe telling him will help. He's such a good listener and kind person I reckon we can discuss like adults

OP posts: