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Original poster

He says he is keen but doesn't act like it!??

161 replies

GlasgowGirl12 · 26/10/2015 23:39

Tearing my hair out a bit with new man. We've only been seeing each other a few weeks but I feel like he's not that keen on me.

I assumed I was being blown off after our first date but he was very shocked I'd interpreted that as he says he thought it was fantastic. We're on 5th date now and after each one I feel like I am being blown off but I'm not.

It's hard to put my finger on why I feel this way but it's the vibe you get when you feel someone doesn't really like you. For example he's hard to pin down for plans. He doesn't phone me. Doesn't give me much information. It's just like a subtle vibe of disinterest.

However if I let him know I'm feeling that vibe he can't understand what I'm talking about and he says he's really liking me a lot.

I'm tearing my hair out because I want to believe eat he is saying but he just acts uninterested!

I know he has a very busy life and job and home situation whereas I have a bit more time of my hands and I also know when we are together I very much feel like he is dead keen. ..he stares at me a lot, kisses a lot, touches a lot, doesn't want to leave or end the date, is kind and wants to talk but when we are not physically in the same room it feels a hit like pulling teeth.

He's a sweet guy...should I just take his word for it ?

OP posts:
stareatthetvscreen · 28/10/2015 05:18

hmmm do you know what opp this is ringing bells big time here

dd is in her first relationship with a guy atm and he is exactly like this

it is a right royal head messer

she spends a lot of time upset and insecure by all the mixed messages and is slowly formulating an exit plan

its not nice to see

spidergurl · 28/10/2015 07:16

"Something else also confuses me - does he live in London ? ( I wondered from your name) . Because I don't know many lawyers in their 30s who still have flat mates . Have you met them or visited his flat ? Are you sure he's not married / living with someone ?"

Good point...

TheBunnyOfDoom · 28/10/2015 07:48

If you're this confused/unhappy five dates in, it's probably best to call time. You can't change how he communicates, so if you're not happy with it, end things.

Trills · 28/10/2015 07:53

I believe 10000% he us a good man

That doesn't mean he is the man for you.

Shameandregret · 28/10/2015 08:05

glasgow I thought my ex was on the spectrum too but there were other social/communication issues in person.

My ex was the same, did all the coming to my house, asking me out on dates etc but everything was on his agenda. If I asked him out he too just ignored me. We went on one date I organised/initiated, that was our last and our best. I thought we were getting closer and things were starting to finally improve then he dumped me. Too close for comfort for him I think. When we were together it was great-he said he really really liked me etc. Then bam, text message saying it's over.

Yours sounds different in that you can communicate that you are getting annoyed but his behaviour sounds more confusing than his words IYSWIM. He's saying he really really likes you and wants you but he's keeping you at arms length emotionally. I think you have a choice, play the long game and he might come round or lower your expectations or do your self esteem a favour and move on.

Threefishys · 28/10/2015 09:58

If you were dating this guy before the advent of mobile phones and texts do you think you'd be equally unhappy? Is it simply the fact that he could be in touch but he's not? That's what it seems to boil down to. That you are out of sight out of mind (or that's how you feel) I honestly think that the good happy times together aren't enough for you, you need him to completely alter his communication style in between seeing him. It's not going to happen and if it does it wouldn't be authentic now you would have badgered him into it effectively. Let him go he sounds like a reasonable able guy, just not right for you.

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 28/10/2015 10:12

Kimberley. Exactly. If we'd had dates with no sleepovers or nights spent up talking and kissing I'd feel fine. It's like it's 50% serious and 50% not.

Shame that's exactly it. I feel held at arms length emotionally and it feels artificial and unnatural.

Yep...we're in London and yes have met his flatmates. No wife :)

It's not that I want things to go faster. Am happy with slower but not fast then slow then fast then slow.

I don't know threefishys. If we'd met before texts then Id hope he'd phone me every day or so?!

OP posts:
Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 28/10/2015 10:15

I am definitely unhappy so might just tell him I like him but that I don't like the fact it's all on his terms and pace and is up and down and serious and casual at the same time.

May either keep my options open and date others while he plods along or maybe tell him physical intimacy has to come off the table if he's not oferring the other kind.

Or maybe wait 5 more dates and do that.

I don't want to just do because I feel there's something there that could be great and I'd like to find out.

OP posts:
TheBunnyOfDoom · 28/10/2015 10:19

Have you spoken to him about wanting to see him more? When you see him, why not make solid plans to see him a few days later?

Asking him over text when he's an hour away and has work commitments probably isn't the best way. When he's sat in front of you, why not say "I had a lovely time this weekend and I wish we didn't have to wait 10 days to see each other - how about dinner on Thursday?". He can't really ignore you when he's sat next to you, and if he does, is he really someone you want to waste more energy on?

scatterthenuns · 28/10/2015 10:28

I couldn't be fucked with any of this.

You're not that desperate, so just sack him off.

2rebecca · 28/10/2015 10:29

I agree. I think when you are next together discussing your problems with things at the moment and having a clear idea of what it is you want would help clarify whether things may work or not.
Saying physical intimacy has to come off the table if he's not offering anything else sounds weird to me and as though you see sex as a favour you give him and not something you enjoy too.
I agree that a solicitor having flatmates in his 30s sounds rather odd.

I also think 5 dates isn't very many but that is something you can both discuss.

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 28/10/2015 10:30

He's constantly saying he wishes he was here and wants to see me more so I think in complete fairness he probably sees me as much as he can without changing his after work commitments which he has many as he's been single a long time.

I think I have to either give him time here and stay very chill or walk away if I can't handle his pace.

I just was coming from the opinion of beleving men are pretty simple:

If they miss you they will move mountains to see you

They call after dates

They don't send mixed messages

He does stuff which is usually the sort of thing a man might do if he wasn't really liking you but I think in his case it's weird because he does like me but also doesn't want a full on relationship (yet) so he keeps a lid on it.

He us also a bit shy which maybe I should factor in and not that sure of himself.

I'm a bit frustrated is all. On day 12 and no plans to see each other...I'm in my prime too and don't want to waste my time here!!! Done enough of that

OP posts:
Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 28/10/2015 10:38

I didn't mean using sex as a favour. I just personally can't go a week or two without seeing or speaking to someone and then jump into bed and have massive levels of physical intimacy because I'm a flesh and blood woman.

When we first got into bed there was intimacy on all levels.

I will say that I have told him this and that might be why we are on 12 days with no date. Being that he's indicated he's waiting for a day we can have a longer date and spend the day together instead of just and evening.

Maybe he's just not got room in his life or head. He's made a life for himself where hus flatmates and their girlfriends have become like his family

OP posts:
TheBunnyOfDoom · 28/10/2015 10:45

It doesn't sound like he has the time for a relationship, tbh. I wouldn't want to come bottom to everything else. Surely this early on he should WANT to see you as much as possible?

Threefishys · 28/10/2015 10:57

Wait on is it not seen as a massive red flag on MN when blokes are far too keen to start and wanting to be really full on? This guy sounds completely normal and reasonable to me, in fact he sounds lovely to be fair. The fact that he has close friendships with both men and their girl friends show he is well rounded, he's got a good job, is attentive and makes the effort to travel to see OP... he just doesn't text enough...sorry OP but it's a bit exasperating this. Also, you obviously slept with him immediately/almost immediately but you don't just immediately acquire intimacy - it takes time to build - not 5 dates. If you were my friend I would honestly want to give you a shake right about now and tell you to chill the f* out!! Next time you see him spend time out of the bedroom for as long as possible - get to know him and let intimacy build , if it does and you end up in an actual relationship as opposed to dating then you can rightly expect the trappings of a relationship - right now you are DATING AND HAVING SEX.

xSummerStarsx · 28/10/2015 11:03

Sorry, but it doesn't sound like he's that into you.

You're company and a bit of fun for when he's got some spare time and 'you'll do for now' but ultimately, he's not that interested in progressing things. That's how it seems.

Either that or he just can't be bothered talking over phone/ texting in between because he's busy and finds it easier making conversation in person, which is a bit like me!

I guess I'd maybe give it another couple of weeks and if your gut is still saying something is wrong- it's probably because there is.

IME, the minute you have to start second guessing a man, it's because he's not interested.

2rebecca · 28/10/2015 11:23

I agree with threefishys. have some dates without sex to chat a bit. I'm not anti-sex early in a relationship but it sometimes can mean you spend all your time kissing and cuddling etc and don't do much talking.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 28/10/2015 11:26

But threefishies - it's not just lack of texting. They are on day 12 and no plans to meet up Confused

If he's not willing to change some of his afterwork plans to make a tiny bit more time for you eg seeing you once a week then he doesn't want a relationship surely?

My bf had been single for over ten years when we met and had/ has a very busy social life. However I have never once felt that he didn't want to see me - he fitted me in and included me in plans.

Muckogy · 28/10/2015 11:31

you're being used.
he's not that into you.
sorry.
i'd have ditched him by now.

K1mberly · 28/10/2015 11:37

Maybe he doesn't want a relationship ( or what YOU mean by a relationship )

Maybe he just wants a FWB, someone he see for a shag occasionally when has time

Threefishys · 28/10/2015 11:40

He's not seen her for 12 days because she's been away and hasn't contacted yet to say she's home though is that not the case? (I might have read it wrong)

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 28/10/2015 11:43

The repsonses on here are the same ones I am getting in real life.

Half my friends saying he's not into you, not into a relationship, not making enough of an effort, sending mixed messages -sack him off you deserve more.

Other half telling me it's early doors, he's made a lot of effort in a lot of ways, sees you whenever he has a free day, introduced you to his friends, listens to you whenever you want to talk, does sweet stuff for you and acts really into you in an obvious way in person and has said pretty openly that the speed things moved at first was a bit scary for him and to give him more time because he's a nice guy that clearly genuinely likes you and I am being needy.

There's the problem is that I dunno which is actually true.

I might just have to give it a bit more time and find out for sure because I'd hate to assume it was the first and have it turn out it was the second. Taken me ages to meet someone i liked this much.

I do think we're coming from a place of me having a LOT more free time than he does and me wanting a boyfriend and him having pretty much no free time and not really wanting a girlfriend or at leats not being prepared for one. I want to try and go with the flow and see how it goes but will also talk to him and explain the long absences are causing a disconnect from my end.

I can't sit there pretending I don't feel the way I do, just so he likes me, I have to be honest. If he does like me hopefully he can listen to how it affects me and figure it out between us. It can't be 100% on his terms.

OP posts:
Threefishys · 28/10/2015 11:46

Nor 100% on yours OP. I think you need to rationalise. Chill. And enjoy him. Smile

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 28/10/2015 11:47

Could be Kimberley, and yes, I was away with work whcih caused the long gap there but yeah -he didn't really text me much when I was away or ask if I'd arrived safely or anything.

Just to say...in September right before we got together I was away with work and he phoned me and facetimed me - so it's the change that I find so disappointing. He's changed since we got involved. He admits that when I asked him about it. His reason is fear of getting to close too soon and me hurting him.

I am not sure if that is lies or not but he strikes me as not a liar. I think if he was playing me into bed it'd be relatively easy to send a few flirty and fake texts every day to make sure he keeps onto a good thing - he's not like that.

OP posts:
popalot · 28/10/2015 11:47

He's making it all about him. Too much stress too soon. A good relationship is equal and easy going. I think you should let him go and move on to find someone who is a bit more respectful of your feelings. He might not be being intentionally like this, it could be the timing is not right. But to get head fucked so early on is your warning things aren't right between you for a long term relationship and it's clearly not what you want, but what he wants.