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Original poster

He says he is keen but doesn't act like it!??

161 replies

GlasgowGirl12 · 26/10/2015 23:39

Tearing my hair out a bit with new man. We've only been seeing each other a few weeks but I feel like he's not that keen on me.

I assumed I was being blown off after our first date but he was very shocked I'd interpreted that as he says he thought it was fantastic. We're on 5th date now and after each one I feel like I am being blown off but I'm not.

It's hard to put my finger on why I feel this way but it's the vibe you get when you feel someone doesn't really like you. For example he's hard to pin down for plans. He doesn't phone me. Doesn't give me much information. It's just like a subtle vibe of disinterest.

However if I let him know I'm feeling that vibe he can't understand what I'm talking about and he says he's really liking me a lot.

I'm tearing my hair out because I want to believe eat he is saying but he just acts uninterested!

I know he has a very busy life and job and home situation whereas I have a bit more time of my hands and I also know when we are together I very much feel like he is dead keen. ..he stares at me a lot, kisses a lot, touches a lot, doesn't want to leave or end the date, is kind and wants to talk but when we are not physically in the same room it feels a hit like pulling teeth.

He's a sweet guy...should I just take his word for it ?

OP posts:
TooSassy · 27/10/2015 08:23

OP chill. And go with the flow.

It's the 5th date. I'll be honest if I was seeing someone and they were wanting these reassurances so early on, I'd run a mile! Confidence in oneself is one of the sexiest things to me. Have more faith in yourself and say one thing over and over. He's lucky to have met me, I'm a fabulous person.

If it turns out that he's not that into you, his loss. Grin

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 27/10/2015 08:23

I think a date every 7/10 dates or so might make you feel it is quite casual and that is actually what is making you nervous.

I've been with a new partner a year now. When we first started dating it was once a week - but after about a month increased to 2/3 times a week. Everyone is different obviously but I get the sense you would like to see more of him and are wondering why he doesn't also want that.

K1mberly · 27/10/2015 08:30

What do you mean when you say he has a very busy home situation ? Does he have children or care for a disabled relative ?

OTheHugeManatee · 27/10/2015 08:30

I think if your perceptions of what's right in an intimate relationship are so different you might not be compatible long-term. Sorry if that sounds harsh but if this is his idea of full-on then you are going to feel very lonely when it all settles down.

Threefishys · 27/10/2015 09:03

OP you've had five dates and are having sex and are texting most or every day and are seeing each other every week and you say you need to get to know him - can I say you set the bar of knowing him pretty low sleeping and therefore bonding with him before you knew his personality? (He sounds reasonable and normal by the way) maybe he feels the level of intimacy is entirely correct as it is? One thing is absolutely guaranteed - if you repeatedly question him as to whether he's really interested etc you will push him away that's for sure. On the flip side I met DP a year ago we have a LDR, slept together first date he then asked if we could go for walks together etc to get to know each other so it wasn't just about laying in bed together we started off seeing each other once a week and now a year in tend to spend all the weekend and a night in the week together...we chat on the phone a couple of times a week probably. If we are not in contact we feel a mutual disconnect that causes little issues but that's a year in when intimacy has developed - after 5 dates you need to relax and trust it to unfold or you will kill it stone dead.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 27/10/2015 09:19

blimey, its only 5th date, you sound like you are expecting too much too soon, I think he is just not good at long drawn out texts etc. DH is the same I do a long text and get 'ok' in return I just accept it as he is busy and just not good at that stuff. In person he's great so go with that op, stop trying to push communications or he will run for the hills.

noclueses · 27/10/2015 10:36

I think that once you start having sex AND really liking someone, it's very hard to go 10days regularly with hardly any contact. It's the bonding chemicals that always work, esp in women, I'm sure you know this fact, OP. Most men also want to meet more when just started the sex. It's the men with high profile jobs though that's a nightmare, you will always compete for his time! Been there done that - you do end up feeling lonely a lot of the time when he works all hours or at home on his work emails etc. Been there, done that. I think for someone direct and passionate, this sort of relationship wouldn't work long term. You have to be equally madly busy yourself, to bear with this.

noclueses · 27/10/2015 10:37

sorry for the repeat of same phrase!

spidergurl · 27/10/2015 12:59

My gut instinct tells me that going 10 days without seeing each other at the beginning is quite long. I went out with a barrister and even though he did work long hours, he also made time for me where he could.

Are you both still dating other people?

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 19:16

Thanks everyone for replying. To answer all those questions. ...

We have never phoned. I wish we did. Maybe can suggest that.

We have had the exclusivits chat which he raised gently but just asking if I was seeing anyone else and both agreeing we didn't want to.

His home situation is busy because he has flatmates still. They do stuff together and stuff still.

I did know him before for a fair while before we got together and he was more intimate and prolific via text than he is now. ..which I find odd

Neither of us date other people, ..him most definitely not

I think everyone has described better than me,...I feel a disconnect during that time apart and our text chats are so stilted and shut. In person it's fab. I feel a bit like he's got his guard turned up to gauge maximum but it's disappointed me that he doesn't escalate and make me feel wanted between dates or really give any evidence he could not move the dates closer together.

At the same time I do believe him when he says he wants to be with me. He's very genuine and honest but I find it a frustrating situation where it is all at his pace

OP posts:
Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 19:20

Is it possible that he does really like me and want me (I believe he does) but that he just only had a tiny space in his life he wants me to fill? I feel like he deliberately tries not to get too close to me.

OP posts:
cruikshank · 27/10/2015 19:28

As someone who absolutely hates texting conversations with a passion, I'm thinking it could be that? As pps have said, I would much rather have a phone call. I have a friend who sends massive long texts, often about quite important stuff, and it drives me fucking nuts. Asaic texting is fine if it's just 'shall we meet at 8?' 'ok then' but for me if you want a conversation, just talk to me. I can't be doing with constantly looking at my phone and constantly texting - that shit can go on all day and all night too if you let it - it takes loads more time.

Also, I would be very wary of asking him outright if he's into you - of course he's going to say he is, isn't he? So not only are you not going to get an honest answer, but tbh and I'm sorry to say this but it comes across as needy.

The gap between dates obviously doesn't suit you although again tbh in a new relationship where you've only had five dates it's probably not that great an idea to be living in each others' pockets just yet - have you tried suggesting meeting up sooner? Or is it always him that suggests dates?

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 27/10/2015 19:43

See to me the busy home life thing us just him prioritising his friends over you.

Sorry to be harsh but I thought you were going to say he looked after an elderly relative or something.

There's nothing wrong per se with him "taking it slow" or also wanting to see a lot of friends, but it is an issue of you are not in the same sort of place.

LeaLeander · 27/10/2015 19:44

Some people, me included, tend to back away when someone comes on strong. Even if I really like a person, and quite frankly whether it's a platonic situation or a sexual relationship, I get very turned off if they seem too needy. I start having that "what have I gotten myself into?" sinking feeling about them.

Whereas a low-maintenance, non-clingy person continues to be very attractive. Maybe he has similar reactions, who knows? I think talking too much about "our relationship" after a few dates and hops into bed is very daunting for some people. Even if they like their partner a lot.

Duckdeamon · 27/10/2015 19:49

He has told you directly that he is "guarded" and "holds himself back" and fears intimacy".

Never speaks on the phone. Rarely texts. Aren't lawyers meant to be good with language?

Big gaps of time between dates.

"Busy home life" because of flatmates?!

None of that would work for me.

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 19:50

I didn't ask him outright. I just presumed we were off or not working and he was shocked of why I would think that.

Yup. I've suggested meeting up earlier, he ignores I even said it. Like he didn't hear me. Waits till he wants to see me before he will. Not nice.

I dunno Lea. U might be right but I don't think it's clingy to expect contact and regular dates off someone you're dating . It makes me feel clingy but that because he's weird

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 27/10/2015 19:54

Can't you be a lawyer if you are dyslexic? Its spelt with a Y by the way.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 27/10/2015 19:55

You ask to meet up earlier and he ignores the question?!!!

Sorry, that screams to me like he's stringing you along.

Why are you letting him ignore the question though?

pocketsaviour · 27/10/2015 20:01

Ignoring your question is just rude. That says to me that he is either a) not that bothered about a relationship but wants to keep banging you or b) he is so busy with his life/work that, as you suggested, he only has a very small window of time he's willing to give you.

Until you said that I was going to say give it some time, but if he can't be bothered to answer your questions, well I couldn't be doing with that.

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 20:01

Because he ignores the question so I think he's ghosting me and then he acts genuinely hurt and upset and I come away feeling it's me. I don't believe he's stringing me along but there's something

OP posts:
Threefishys · 27/10/2015 20:03

Do you see him on the same day every week ? Or 10 days or whatever ?

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 20:03

Combo goes like this:

Him: miss you
Me: me too
Me: I can see you Wednesday if you like?
Him (twenty minutes later) be good if we can spend more time together

Like that!!! Like I've not just asked to see him Wednesday,. Then Thursday he will text he needs to see me and will suddenly be fully available . It's weird! !!!

OP posts:
Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 20:04

We do have one day in the week we quite frequently make our night, yes

OP posts:
Threefishys · 27/10/2015 20:05

Is his reply not a confirmation that yes seeing you Wednesday is good or am I misreading it

Threefishys · 27/10/2015 20:06

So if it goes past your regular day is that when it become 10 days etc? Where is he at weekends?

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