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Original poster

He says he is keen but doesn't act like it!??

161 replies

GlasgowGirl12 · 26/10/2015 23:39

Tearing my hair out a bit with new man. We've only been seeing each other a few weeks but I feel like he's not that keen on me.

I assumed I was being blown off after our first date but he was very shocked I'd interpreted that as he says he thought it was fantastic. We're on 5th date now and after each one I feel like I am being blown off but I'm not.

It's hard to put my finger on why I feel this way but it's the vibe you get when you feel someone doesn't really like you. For example he's hard to pin down for plans. He doesn't phone me. Doesn't give me much information. It's just like a subtle vibe of disinterest.

However if I let him know I'm feeling that vibe he can't understand what I'm talking about and he says he's really liking me a lot.

I'm tearing my hair out because I want to believe eat he is saying but he just acts uninterested!

I know he has a very busy life and job and home situation whereas I have a bit more time of my hands and I also know when we are together I very much feel like he is dead keen. ..he stares at me a lot, kisses a lot, touches a lot, doesn't want to leave or end the date, is kind and wants to talk but when we are not physically in the same room it feels a hit like pulling teeth.

He's a sweet guy...should I just take his word for it ?

OP posts:
Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 20:06

Sorry for all the typos. Phone keyboard in a car.

I was also on a flight twice in the last few days and no text to ask if I arrived safe or how my trip us going, it's odd!!

I can't seem to dump him either. He doesn't want to go.

He's the strangest man I have come across

OP posts:
FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 27/10/2015 20:08

I think he is at it.

If you asked a friend to meet up and they ignored the question you'd think they were damn rude and either stop being their friend or call them out. So why are you putting up with this from someone you are shagging?

Until recently I was dating - and I experienced this sort of thing - where you are minimising someone being rude or badly behaved because you want to believe there's good guys out there/ you want it to work.

You're doing the running here and he thinks he will just tell you when he's free and you will be available, rather than him wanting to make sure he's secured the next date.

Sorry to be blunt - just that I've been there and it annoys me!

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 20:08

No you're misreading, or at least he doesn't answer directly. He talks in riddles.

Weekends if we are both available he will spend it with me and yes spends the whole weekend and doesn't want me to go or to leave mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 20:10

Yes, if I can't make regular day it gets pushed to 10 days. In fairness due to schedules and where he needs to be on certain mornings he does have reasons and we live over an hour apart so not like we can pop over,

Fedupwith. .. The point is I HAVE called him out and he's literally mystified.

OP posts:
Shameandregret · 27/10/2015 20:11

God I really thought we were talking about my ex here before you said he was a lawyer! It sounds EXACTLY the same. Out of sight, out of mind. I saw him for about 4 months and we would go days without communicating and sometimes 2 weeks without meeting up (I'm only available weekends as I have dc's) my ex barely asked me any questions. It is such a head fuck and my self esteem was screwed for a bit after. Sympathies OP, have you thought about making him do the running? If he doesn't he's not worth it is he and you've lost nothing.

Threefishys · 27/10/2015 20:11

Ok I think OP he likes you, he's letting it progress and unfold and I think if you told him youd like a phone chat now and again he'd respond favourably. I think you need to relax and trust. Slow burn is surely better than rushing and burning out?

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 27/10/2015 20:12

Yeah, also been there where I call someone out for bad behaviour and they insist they really like me blah blah blah but still continue to act in a way that shows they don't have that much regard for me.

Actions not words!

Threefishys · 27/10/2015 20:13

He honestly sounds like a good uncomplicated man to me, he really does.

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 20:13

Thing is shameandrrgret he does text...just it's stuff like "miss you" without asking where I am or any thing! !!

I am wondering if he is on the spectrum or something .

He does do the running. He does the travelling. He instigates. It's just that I want to get to know him better and it's bloody hard work

OP posts:
Threefishys · 27/10/2015 20:14

But actions is surely the time you spend together which is good & regular and words are texts?

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 20:14

If I phoned him now three fishy he would be chuffed to hear from me. That's the odd part . But he's making me pull away do less likely to call. It's a catch 22

OP posts:
Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 20:15

I believe 10000% he us a good man. For sure. He's just strange!!!!!!

OP posts:
Threefishys · 27/10/2015 20:15

OP is the quality of texts the most important thing you need to indicate he cares? Serious question.

Threefishys · 27/10/2015 20:19

Please put your insecurities aside (I know it's hard I'm in LDR myself as I said) and trust and believe in this guys actions. Phone him and chat, connect with him but don't discount him or assume there is something amiss with him because of the qualith of his texts - please - thats madness.

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 20:21

I think it's hard for me to get up enthusiasm about seeing him or dates when I've been wondering for a week if he likes me. I would like to just go with the flow and believe he does but I guess he doesn't behave in a way I am used to . He's exceptionally kind but alo exceptionally dense. I'm his third girlfriend. ,as in third of any sort. Third in his entire life. He's just losing the connection with me and I want him to realise before its too late because I really like him and see a future. When we are physically together it's 10000% perfect

OP posts:
Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 20:24

Hand on heart I would like to just chill and give him space. I feel like he's scared and wants to get in slowly and I do feel he us a fantastic human being. It's just he makes me feel bad. It's so frustrating

OP posts:
Threefishys · 27/10/2015 20:26

I don't think he's scared I think he's five dates in and acting accordingly. If you want him, mirror that. If you can't then let him go I'd say

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/10/2015 20:29

Some people just aren't good at texting, that's true, but if he used to be good at it and he's changed, that's suspicious.

I wouldn't the happy with once every ten days. No way.

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 27/10/2015 20:38

I guess I'm just not happy and that's rubbish because I like him and he likes me

OP posts:
Threefishys · 27/10/2015 21:25

Ah well if you're not happy you're not happy, there's nothing more to be said really.

2rebecca · 27/10/2015 23:42

How old are you both? Sometimes what you want from a relationship changes as you get older. Whe i was younger I was embarrassingly clingy, resenting the time one boyfriend spent playing tennis. If I was dating now I'd want something more relaxed with time to do other stuff. I couldn't be bothered with doing everything together and lots of heavy angst.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 28/10/2015 00:33

I hardly think the what the poster is talking about is heavy angst.

Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 28/10/2015 01:19

We are early thirties. I honestly don't think I am embarrassingly clingy. I actually don't want to see him every day and don't mind remotely if he has plans with other people. I just want simple things like convos about when we're seeing each other next or a text to see if my flight landed safely. Also feel a date very 7 -10 days is not really enough. Due to my trip we've not seen each other for 11 days Confused and he's not made any attempt to organise anything.

It's so difficult to decribe this but before we were involved he would randomly text me quite often, every week or so and was very flirty. It'd be like

Him :"what are you up to?"
Me: "just in bed"
Him "room for me?"

Now the same text convo would go like this:

Him :"what are you up to?"
Me: "just in bed"
Him "I'm in bed too"

Like a subtle but VERY noticable diferrence in the way he communicates. Like he's blocking intimacy or closeness whereas before he was trying very hard to create it. Yet he contacts me, goes to an effort to see me, just at the same time keeps a distance. If I ended it today he'd be gutted, I know he would- so there is the confusion for me. It's like he both wants me and doesn't want me at the same time.

I have discussed it with him once properly when he'd had a few drinks and he told me he liked me a heck of a lot and kept his distance because he was worried he fall in love and be hurt.

I am not sure whether to believe that or not - if he likes me so much why not jump in and enjoy it? He's driving me away. It's a real shame because I like him a heck of a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlasgowGirl12 · 28/10/2015 01:22

the convo that night went like this..

Me: What's all this cagey business at times with you?

Him: I suppose self protection
Me: What are you protecting yourself from?
Him: Well if I do that then I can't be disappointed. Not like I've not been disappointed lots of times before by people

That sort of thing.

Do you think I should just ask him outright if he's going to improve things, because I don't want to date someone I hardly see or speak to - even if I really like him but at the same time don't want to force him!

OP posts:
K1mberly · 28/10/2015 05:16

Can I just check

  1. You've only had 5 dates
  2. You are already sleeping together
  3. You are already exclusive
  4. You see each other once every week / 10 days because he's busy with his work / mates and you live an hour apart
  5. You don't talk on the phone between dates
  6. Texts are infrequent and casual , not chatty

I'm confused a little too, probably because things 2 and 3 ( for me ) would mean things are serious but the rest mean " casual " .

Is it possible that you just want to go a lot faster than he does , and it's not about the texts ?

Something else also confuses me - does he live in London ? ( I wondered from your name) . Because I don't know many lawyers in their 30s who still have flat mates . Have you met them or visited his flat ? Are you sure he's not married / living with someone ?