He says he is keen but doesn't act like it!??

[GlasgowGirl12]

Tearing my hair out a bit with new man. We've only been seeing each other a few weeks but I feel like he's not that keen on me.

I assumed I was being blown off after our first date but he was very shocked I'd interpreted that as he says he thought it was fantastic. We're on 5th date now and after each one I feel like I am being blown off but I'm not.

It's hard to put my finger on why I feel this way but it's the vibe you get when you feel someone doesn't really like you. For example he's hard to pin down for plans. He doesn't phone me. Doesn't give me much information. It's just like a subtle vibe of disinterest.

However if I let him know I'm feeling that vibe he can't understand what I'm talking about and he says he's really liking me a lot.

I'm tearing my hair out because I want to believe eat he is saying but he just acts uninterested!

I know he has a very busy life and job and home situation whereas I have a bit more time of my hands and I also know when we are together I very much feel like he is dead keen. ..he stares at me a lot, kisses a lot, touches a lot, doesn't want to leave or end the date, is kind and wants to talk but when we are not physically in the same room it feels a hit like pulling teeth.

He's a sweet guy...should I just take his word for it ?

You are experiencing cognitive dissonance, aren't you? Quick Wiki definition:

In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time.

On the one hand he tells you he likes you; on the other he acts like he doesn't.

What's interesting is that his flatmates and their girlfriends are like family to him - yet his own girlfriend is kept at arm's length.

You must be feeling very odd. I'm not sure whether he's doing this deliberately but the effect is the same: he's messing your head, so you don't know what's real. For that reason, I'd get rid.

In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time.

THAT. Exactly that. Thank you Imperial for helping me figure out the mental discomfort.

I don't think 5 dates in I am his girlfriend, but it certainly feels like he is wrestling at the precipice of that.

Also, just to say in my defence as I know I am stressing far too much over this. The very last LTR with a man who i truly cared for gave me extreme cognitive dissonnance and have spent the last three years getting over that. That sense of mental discomfort and not understanding and being made to feel like your instincts are off and things don't add up is very unpleasant and this situation is most definitely ausing a trigger for me.

I was travelling home last night and was crying / quite distraught over my cheating ex (which I haven't thought about in ages) who on one hand told me he loved and adored me and on the other hand (I found out) was cheating and lying about me to make himself look the victim and it caused a total mental limbo for me where I simply could not understand how or why this person who loved me and showed it in every way and was a wonderful guy I had known and loved for years was ALSO this other person. I've never come to terms with his two faces and this situation (mild as it is) makes me feel absolutely in turmoil.

I know my past is not my present's problem (my friend tell me I am bound to feel nervous and jumpy the first time I meet a man I truly like after what I went through) and they are asking me to keep it in perspective. that it's 5 dates. That I need to get to know him and become "in a relationship" before I can figure out all of this and that right now we are just seeing each other and he's made it clear he absolutely want to continue doing that and so do I.

i probably have to just actually talk to him and see if he's willing to meet me halfway and understand that his behavior is causing mental discomfort for me? If he likes me...won't he just listen and sort it out? If he doesn't...that;s all I need to know?

Why would you not arrive safely? I hate it when older relatives panic about any sort of journey and want I have arrived texts/ phone calls. I don't phone my husband if I'm away to let him know I got there safely or expect him to send me texts about my journey. If I'm away I'll usually phone or text him to chat but not because I think travelling is a scary dangerous thing.
If you're away why not text him to say what you're up to? Agree if all texts are from you and none from him it seems odd.

OP from what you are describing even if is truthful and just taking it slow you are standing on different stages in life. You are ready to have relationship and he is not. It doesn't mean he won't ever be ready and his pace would continue being that slow but you need to be prepared that most likely he will be taking it much slower than you would like. So the question is if you like him enough to wait?

I agree with others that you can sack this. Ultimately is the relationship it its current state making you happy? I mean constantly happy, not sporadically with uncomfortable highs and lows? If it isn't then sack it. Don't waste your time there's no need.

My exh was very intense. When I met exp he did everything at a mn approved sensible pace. We prob texted a bit more than you describe but otherwise quite similar. No red flags or anything just low intensity. We split after a year and I felt nothing. My patience was for nothing - it didn't ever turn in to passionate love.
Current partner I was a bit numb when I met him and not very invested so I just told him straight 'I am not interested in sporadic communication - it won't work for me' and I was fully intending to walk away if it didn't improve. He is in touch during the day every day and we speak in the phone most nights. He loves it .
Op don't be afraid to go after what you want and move on if this bloke isn't it

Ok. I think I've got it straight in my head. I think there is passion but I'm not enjoying it due to the consistency missing so I'm going to see him and tell him exactly how I feel and what I think and let him know I need a bit more. I'll then give it a couple of weeks and if he doesn't buck up a hit then we're not compatable whether he likes me or not.

His fear of commitment isn't my fault so I don't think I should have to pay a price for it snd if he'd been like this from day one is not have gone out with him in the first place

Playing both sides here a little, sorry, please don't take offence.
His fear of commitment isn't my fault so I don't think I should have to pay a price for it
You're right, its not your fault.

I've never come to terms with his two faces and this situation (mild as it is) makes me feel absolutely in turmoil.
This isn't new guys fault either.

His fear of commitment isn't your fault so why should you pay a price? Your issues with with your ex etc. aren't new guys problem so why should he pay a price?

Op you actually sound quite strong. I think j you should do what you outline in your must recent post

Goodness me, life is way too short for all of this angst.

In my experience, when a relationship is 'right' you know straight away, or very quickly. No game playing, no wondering how they feel etc etc.

This isn't right. I don't think he's that into you - dump him and allow yourself the chance to find someone who is into you.

My opinion has changed through the thread...I don't think because of your past this guy is going to be able to make you happy no matter what he does. The pace you've set and your expectations of how he should behave will not be satisfied I don't think and its possible that he's keeping a slight distance because five dates in its all a bit heavy. You said you don't consider yourself his girlfriend yet expect signs of commitment. I think you're tying yourself up in knots OP. Why not relinquish control and go with the flow. If it fizzles out without you feeding it so be it, you'll know pretty quickly. Failing that if you cant do that I honestly believe you should let him go and let him meet someone he can satisfy just by being who he is because he sounds a decent guy who probably doesn't want the stress of a girlfriend if 5 dates in its already like this.

I know my past isn't his fault either and that's a fair point.

I think there's this trip up in the logic here that first of all I am dating someone who at least half the people on the thread have interpreted "is not that into me" and second of all any expectations I have in my heart and head here were set up by him.

If someone is courting you initially and phones and facetimes and spends evenings occassionally texting you in a flirty way and offers to go places with you and has plans for things and then you start shagging them you'd expect at minimum for that to all continue or at best for it to maybe even escalate; whereas in his case he has pulled back and has openly admitted he has so it's not my imagination.

What he is saying to me is that he's doing it because he's scared but it's frustrating on the recieving end.

I've dated a lot of people at diferrent paces. Recently dated someone I saw only every couple of weeks becaue of his job and kids and was fine with it because we were (a) just dating not having sex, (b) weren't exclusive (c) were never that intense.

This new guy it's completely diferrent. The chemistry is obvious, through the roof and we sit there in bed for hours smiling at each other and stroking each other hair and talking and it feels very close, very real and very honest and this "pull away" is ruining it.

I think he's unsure he wants a proper relationship or is ready for it and I am, so we have diferrent aims here, but at the same time he won't let me dump him, he says he feels it too and he wants to be exclusive and have parts of the relationship that suit him without the other parts which I think is a bit unfair.

Maybe the others are right then and that he's not that arsed and if you didn't ask to see him it will immediately fizzle in which case you'd know. That's the only option you have of finding out without directly asking/telling him to be different. I'd find it offputting to be told after five occasions of meeting someone how to/not to behave. Put the ball in his court. Simple.

If I don't contact him he contacts me after a day or two. If I don't ask to see him he sends a message asking if I can do Friday or whatever. He never just fizzles. He is consistenly inconsistent. He's told me straight up he wants us to last and sees this long term.

I do know what you mean threefishys but I am sure also that you'd not do what he does which creates the need in the other person to question the behavior in the first place.

What creates the question is the change.

If he had always only been available on one spcific day a week to see me or if he'd always hardly texted or phoned or been uncommunicative or seemed not keen I would never have dated him in the first place. Not in a billion years. I know perfectly well I need consistency communication and attention and time and he had those and now doesn't. There is my problem.

So in that situation I think after 5 dates my options are:

a) put up with the change in him which makes me considerably unhappy.

b) completely dump and block and don't discuss it just make assumptions that he's obviously not that into me

c) talk to him about how this change is making me feel and see what happens

I can't see how I really have any sensible option other than (c) and while I am pissed off I have been put in a situation to have to have that conversation after 5 dates I am more than willing to walk away but really just want to date the open and keen and attentive guy I first met.

I also think commitment phobic people can like you ery much and yet push you away if you get too close. I had a female friend who was like this and out her (now) husband through living hell for the first year.

He messages you after a day or two?? You were making out you never hear from him if you're not in touch. Oh OP with the greatest will in the world you seem like very hard work....most people are in contact and more flirty before they have sex he is by no means in a minority here!!! I really really think you are either a/ incredibly insecure and needy or b/ unable to settle into an actual adult relationship. I actually find your insistence to overanalyse this whole non issue really exasperating just to read about let alone be in - I'll wish you good luck and leave it at that!!

Parting comment has it ever occurred to you that the word comitmemt is mental after 5 dates? Or that you may be subconsciously holding him at arms length by imposing rules in your mind that to you prove he cares or doesn't so you can formulate your judgement on him and his suitability/ability to be a boyfriend/commit. Seriously you are draining the life out of this by constantly evaluating him in my view.

I've never had anyone contact me leas after we were dating than they did before we were . Are you serious that that is normal?

Well anyway threefishys I know you're percieving me as needy and over thinking (I am sure that's partly true at least) bit most of the people on this thread think he doesn't like me that much so I'm not plucking this out of fantasy. I'm being sent mixed messages. Not sure if anyone's ever done that to you but it makes you feel very on edge. I most definitely have been hurt and proceed with caution yes, but he's not helping.

I have read all the thread and have to say I know exactly what your saying and where your coming from as I am in a similar position .
I'm 2 months in dating a nice guy we see each other once or twice a week depending on when he had his children , lots of txt's good morning and goodnight but no phone calls ever .
I feel so distant Un between dates that I'm starting to loose interest .
At the moment he is away on holiday for 10 days , 6 days in lots of txt's says I miss you and can't wait to see me , but no phone call , I find it strange , I've never experienced anything like this's, to keep a relationship goon you need to speak to each other in between dates as you start to feel like they don't care enough to pick up a phone .
The one time I rang him he cut the call off as he had his 2 boys with him and he handy told them about me . I have 2 children and they know I'm dating as the youngest has to be babysat .
On the times he's with his kids there's one txt in the morning then nothing till later on in the night ,
He's away with his kids so I don't feel I can just call him .
One comment he made about an X of his was she finished it cause she felt she didn't get enough back from him .
I'm kinda getting that feeling to .
He is back on Friday and wants to go out but to be honest if I don't get at least one phone call before then I think I'm going to move on .
As nice as he is , I would need more than txt's as communication .
Not much help or advise sorry as I'm in the same boat and feeling as equally frustrated ....

Oh and just to say you are not hard work !!! As revered to earlier !!!

Maybe before you had sex he was trying to chase you, now you've had sex and are exclusive he sees you as 'gotten' and you're now his GF and you don't need the getting any more.

I'd do what you feel is right. If you're not heppy, end it, otherwise, get on with it and stop worrying.

Typo errors as on phone ??

OP it shouldn't be this much hard work early on in the relationship.

He might be a lovely person but that doesn't mean he is right for you.

What you want is perfectly reasonable, and if you feel like this now at the beginning which should be the best bit, it's not going to get any better.

You don't owe him anything, and you could be finding someone who is going to give you what you want.

I think you want a more intense relationship than he does at the moment. If a woman posted on here saying her recent boyfriend got upset if she didn't text him like a concerned parent to see if he arrived somewhere safely when he went on a trip people would say he was too needy and a bit child like.
If you can't cope with reducing the text frequency and taking things at his pace then things won't work.
I think discussing your unhappiness may help but if you have already had this discussion and he told you you were going too fast for him then it's whether you like him enough to slow down and find something to distract you or whether you look for someone else. 5 dates in if you both seem to get on well when together I'd be inclined to just review things in another month and leave your phone alone and get a hobby.