How could he - no forgiveness

[CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger]

I had a terrible childhood, being on tenterhooks as to what mood my father was in and whether he would get angry with me and hit me black and blue, not to mention all the psychological and emotional abuse, and my mother constantly explaining it away and not protecting me in any way. Thing is he was/is a highly respected academic and I come from a very middle class family so nobody ever suspected, and EVERY SINGLE incident has always been explained away or trivialised, so I found myself blaming myself for making a mountain out of a molehill. My life has been dictated by my childhood experiences and I've been through a hell of a lot of counselling and antidepressants to get to where I am.

Anyway, I though my dad had mellowed in his old age and that my coping strategies had gotten me to a stage where we could spend reasonable amounts of time together without major issue. It did t even occur to me that he would turn on anyone other than me. Until tonight.

We (7 yo DD, DH and I) came up for a few days for 1/2 term, this evening DD was watching something on the iPad upstairs on my bed, I'd just left her to come down to see DH when dad went upstairs, saw DD on the iPad and told her to go downstairs for dinner. DD, I believe, did her usual "just 30 seconds to see this bit" (she's a pickle and often difficult to manage, there's no denying it - but no behaviour is excuse for his actions) and dad lost it ... I heard the shouting from downstairs and recognised the manevolant, out of control, tone coming from him. By the time I'd got out of my chair he'd pushed her 1/2 way down the stairs and had his hands around her throat (yes his HANDS around her THROAT). She was hysterical, I grabbed her and screamed at him to get his hands off my daughter, he eventually did when I dragged her off him and I took her away clinging to me, dad immediately went in to "dinners ready are you just going to let it go cold" mode whilst DH was trying to persuade him to just leave us be whilst I consoled DD and stopped myself from launching myself at him. When he realised I wasn't just going to submit and let him get away with it he stormed out of the house. Next thing we had the vicar from the local abbey knocking at the door as dad had walked in and said he was going to sleep on a bench all night (if so why did he feel the need to go in to the abbey and tell her that? Classic emotional blackmail ... I should be used to it), my mum said it's his house he can come home so I said we'd leave - which we did.

So here I am, lying in a hotel bed next to my (wonderful, supportive) DH with DD in the bed next to us (she's OK, although understandably thinks her grandfather "is a mean man").

I have considered going NC in the past but I've been so programmed to believe the party line of "ah it's just him, but what can you do, if it wasn't for you doing X he'd have never reacted like that" that I've always felt too guilty. But you lay a fucking finger on my child and that is it - he no longer exists as far as I'm concerned. He's lucky I didn't call the police.

There's no real reason for me posting here other than DD and DH are sound asleep and I am lying awake with everything going round and round my head. Just needed to vent really.

He was interviewed by the police today - he lied through his teeth, the police officer who unterviewed him/called me was obviously taken in by what he said although sounded less convinced by the end of our conversation. He knew that DD would be spared the interview/court process if he just took responsibility and a caution but he still stuck to his completely fabricated story. My mother also made some story up about having to break my DD's fall at home once when she was sliding down the banisters which I supposedly knew about (I have never heard about it).

I am in absolute bits - I was really hoping he would just once, finally take responsibility for his own actions - but he's still trying to blame everyone but himself.

DH is at work until midnight - trying to hold it together in front of DD (told her my eyes are red because I've caught her cold.

omg, the shit. Keep steady, cuppa. Suppose this was predictable, you're going to have to give up hope that he's ever going to be a decent and responsible human being.

Will the police take this further? I've been told that actually there are ways to detect bruising even weeks after the event??

[coffee] and a small glass .

They will have to interview DD now (we were hoping to avoid that) - and then they will put it in front of their lawyers (CPS I guess) to make a decision as to whether it goes to court or not. Obviously if it doesn't then it will be struck off any record - I don't care about retribution or punishment, I just wanted it to be on file, but that may not happen. Either way I am waiting for a call back from a solicitor to discuss an injunction.

Injunction sounds a very good idea. God, what absolute sods they are.

I've called them a hell of a lot worse than that tonight OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer :) I am just utterly gobsmacked that even when he knows there are 2 witnesses (and of course DD, the victim) who can recount the event with complete clarity he can still make up an entirely different story.

What you have reported will stay on a police intelligence file but will not be recorded as a criminal record unless he is charged/found guilty of assault or such at a later date. There will always be that record of you reporting what your father has done. If your father is reported to the police again in the future for any other wrong doing they will be able to see your original report when doing checks on him.

First of all, don't worry if your DD has to be interviewed; I'm absolutely certain that, with your support, your strong and sensible young lady will be just fine

Though I fully expected the lies/cover ups to continue, I confess I'm surprised at the policeman allowing himself to sound "taken in" - surely that's not their place, at least until they have ALL the relevant information?

However, since it's clear your parents will lie themselves into the hell where they belong, hopefully an injunction could well be a good idea

That's really good to know Angleshades - thanks for the info.

Puzzledandpissedoff - I was also taken aback, and now have minimal confidence in them....my father managed this once before in the 90's when a friend reported his violence - I was guilted in to not pressing charges by the policeman at the time (being told that I would "ruin my mothers life" if I continued, and then laughed at by the policeman and my parents when he returned me home) and now exactly the same police constabulary (i.e. my parent's town/county) seem to be taken in again.

I am just utterly gobsmacked that even when he knows there are 2 witnesses (and of course DD, the victim) who can recount the event with complete clarity he can still make up an entirely different story

Completely understandable that you'd feel this way, but don't forget he's had a lot of practice in maintaining his "pillar of the community" image. With your mother also lying for him he probably thinks he's untouchable, and I'm afraid the "previous banister accident" sounds like a story they've cooked up together; no doubt instead of attacking your DD, he was actually "trying to stop her falling"

You'll probably end up with two adults describing this, two denying it and a host of deluded "character witnesses" your father will call to say what a good guy he is. And you know what? None of it really matters - because you know, and you care sufficiently to make sure DD can never be in this position ever again

laughed at by the policeman and my parents when he returned me home

I know, Cuppa - god help me, I know. Raised by a brute of a father myself and a mother who ignored it all, I simply didn't dare tell anyone what I was going through because the kid I used to be was terrified of what he'd do to me if he found out. To hear that this kind of thing still goes on is, frankly, heartbreaking

I've said it before and I'll say it again: thank heaven your daughter has you for a mother

Thanks Puzzled - good to know someone understands.

My brother has again been very supportive and also sees through his lies and manipulation. I'm just so so sad that he has been so incredibly cruel.

I've woken up with my heart beating out of my chest - nighttime is the worst isn't it, just you and your thoughts. DH has suggested I go to work with him today and we both come back in time to collect DD (we own our own business so fortunately can do this), which is good as I was not looking forward to a day alone.

The GP referred me to their mental health services who I spoke to yesterday - all they can offer me is CBT though, and I just really need someone to talk to - so looks like I'm going to have to go private.

about that bannister incident - does your daughter have any memory of it? if you've never heard of it before and if it was at their house with your daughter alone, it might be worth asking your daughter what exactly happened. It sounds as though it -could- be another covered-up incident.

Cuppa Don't be set back by the copper being taken in by your Dad at this stage. Your Dad is just very good at what he does and you already know this. If your DD makes a statement, your DH mkes a statement and you make a statement including and detailing what went on in your childhood, there is no way the CPS are going to ignore the very obvious story that arises from this. Dad has reason to lie. You, your DH and DD do not! The CPS will see that you are not putting your child through this lightly and the statements are evidential. Keep strong. Justice will out I am sure. During interview they will ask your DD if she remembers the 'banister incident' and as it probably didn't happen it will be exposed as a lie.

might there be a record of that report made by the friend all those years ago still?

I just asked DD about the old banister accident - she says she thinks it did happen - I wasn't made aware of it though, not until now. Irrespective of this, she wasn't on the banister when the recent incident happened (his version of events is that he was getting her off the banister because he was scared she would hurt herself). I can imagine my mum and dad sitting at home going - "ah I know, let's make DD out to be an unruly risk taker who scares us with her antics - I know, we'll use that time she slid down the banister as evidence of this, we can then make ourselves out to be the concerned grandparents who would do anything to protect her".

You lost control of your temper - you had both your big, wrinkled hands around my daughter's throat whilst you shook and shouted at her - you are an evil, pathetic human being and although you have my mother (and apparently the police up there) under your holier than thou facade you will never, and I repeat never have access to do it again (until DD is old enough to make her own decisions).

In the big scheme of things it's the no contact that will really drive home your message to your parents though isn't it? Even if they refuse to see the message, they can't get away from the fact that they don't get to see their family any more for whatever reason. Getting him convicted would the the icing on the cake but you have a bigger upper hand by making the simple decision to cut the brute and the enabler from your lives. Stay strong. You are already the better person regardless of the outcome Cuppa This fact will be a slow dawning over the months and years.

mm it might be worth mentioning the bannister but tbh it's more worrying that your parents didn't tell you. Though not surprising in the slightest :/

do the police keep backup records from the 1990's? if there was a report then, it might be worth finding the record of it.

I'm not sure if the police do, I could ask I guess. I know that any form of conviction is not really the point here, I'm not looking for punishment or retribution - what I wanted is for him to take some responsibility for his actions and apologise, but that is never going to happen it looks. DD is blissfully unaware of the fact that he has lied about what happened and also that both of them have been blaming her for him getting angry/scared/raising his voice/whatever they're prepared to admit he did. I am going to keep it that way until either she had to find out as part of proceedings or when she's older, as it breaks my heart that she will find out how little her own grandparents think of her.

I know that any form of conviction is not really the point here ... DD is blissfully unaware of the fact that he has lied

Yet more of the wisdom we've come to expect of you As likesofwe correctly said, what really matters is how this is handled now and in the future, and I honestly can't see how you could deal with it any better

Personally I wouldn't necessarily dismiss the idea of CBT out of hand, but I'm also wondering if you have a Womens Centre or similar near you? From experience they often offer free counselling using very highly recommended staff; just a thought, maybe?

Finally - and forgive me if this is completely off the wall - is your father a member of the freemasons or something like this? It's just that I'm wondering if there's something more to the blind-eye-turning which seems to be happening ...

My (abuser/controlling) ex could be unbelievably plausible and charming in public. A nicer man you couldn't wish to meet. I saw countless people fall under his spell (including me of course at one point...)

Just saying that these types can be impossibly plausible. Though I remember the immense headfuck confusion I felt when he did it in front of a counsellor ('what, me?' ). I can honestly say that was one of the most acutely painful times of my life.

Thinking of you Culpa

Cuppa! (Predictive grrr)

Hi Cuppa, glad to hear that things have moved on a bit obviously not as much as you'd like. I think that copper doing the interviewing and talking if he was doing his job should have been rather neutral and just have taken the facts. He's going to have to put a report together and collate what they know and then someone will have to decide to prosecute or not. Sad if they do have to interview DD but if they think they need to then they will.

If he does get reported and I think that would be for assault, then they need to have a good chance that a conviction will be secured. It seems to me it's your word against his and i suppose poor downtrodden mother will have sided with him and i suppose to your husband may well have been questioned so that's what they have to go on. If DD does get interviewed then I don't think she will have to appear in court as such but it might be enough. I think these days they video childrens evidence but IANAL.

All you really want is for the the bastard to say he's really sorry for all that he's done. Chances are like me winning the lottery I've never done!

Well if nothing else happens it's come to the attention of the police and we could only hope he might change his ways and that would be a result of sorts, but I don't think somehow he will sad to say:-(

Well at least he knows that the OP will react and not just minimize like his wife when a child is terrorized by him. I would also let everyone know what happened who may have contact that you know - no more covering up for him.

He knows to expect the police at the door now.

Hope you're okay OP. Agreed, the conviction isn't the important thing in the long run, though it'd be satisfying. at least he knows that you're never going to let him mistreat your daughter.

Sorry for the delayed response - been pretty down the past couple of days, am finding it all pretty bloody tough to deal with.

Puzzled no he's not a Freemason, he's an academic. Brain the size of a planet but seemingly incapable of any emotional intelligence.

Springydaffs really sorry to hear that your been through such a shitty time of it too. It is like the worst form of gaslighting isn't it.

Thanks for the advice Justaboy you sound like you know what you're talking about!

You're right Francis & Once - no matter what happens, he knows that I am no longer scared of him and will not tolerate his behaviour towards my DD, or anyone for that matter.