How could he - no forgiveness

[CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger]

I had a terrible childhood, being on tenterhooks as to what mood my father was in and whether he would get angry with me and hit me black and blue, not to mention all the psychological and emotional abuse, and my mother constantly explaining it away and not protecting me in any way. Thing is he was/is a highly respected academic and I come from a very middle class family so nobody ever suspected, and EVERY SINGLE incident has always been explained away or trivialised, so I found myself blaming myself for making a mountain out of a molehill. My life has been dictated by my childhood experiences and I've been through a hell of a lot of counselling and antidepressants to get to where I am.

Anyway, I though my dad had mellowed in his old age and that my coping strategies had gotten me to a stage where we could spend reasonable amounts of time together without major issue. It did t even occur to me that he would turn on anyone other than me. Until tonight.

We (7 yo DD, DH and I) came up for a few days for 1/2 term, this evening DD was watching something on the iPad upstairs on my bed, I'd just left her to come down to see DH when dad went upstairs, saw DD on the iPad and told her to go downstairs for dinner. DD, I believe, did her usual "just 30 seconds to see this bit" (she's a pickle and often difficult to manage, there's no denying it - but no behaviour is excuse for his actions) and dad lost it ... I heard the shouting from downstairs and recognised the manevolant, out of control, tone coming from him. By the time I'd got out of my chair he'd pushed her 1/2 way down the stairs and had his hands around her throat (yes his HANDS around her THROAT). She was hysterical, I grabbed her and screamed at him to get his hands off my daughter, he eventually did when I dragged her off him and I took her away clinging to me, dad immediately went in to "dinners ready are you just going to let it go cold" mode whilst DH was trying to persuade him to just leave us be whilst I consoled DD and stopped myself from launching myself at him. When he realised I wasn't just going to submit and let him get away with it he stormed out of the house. Next thing we had the vicar from the local abbey knocking at the door as dad had walked in and said he was going to sleep on a bench all night (if so why did he feel the need to go in to the abbey and tell her that? Classic emotional blackmail ... I should be used to it), my mum said it's his house he can come home so I said we'd leave - which we did.

So here I am, lying in a hotel bed next to my (wonderful, supportive) DH with DD in the bed next to us (she's OK, although understandably thinks her grandfather "is a mean man").

I have considered going NC in the past but I've been so programmed to believe the party line of "ah it's just him, but what can you do, if it wasn't for you doing X he'd have never reacted like that" that I've always felt too guilty. But you lay a fucking finger on my child and that is it - he no longer exists as far as I'm concerned. He's lucky I didn't call the police.

There's no real reason for me posting here other than DD and DH are sound asleep and I am lying awake with everything going round and round my head. Just needed to vent really.

I really don't know why they suggested speaking to him - I was also surprised when they said it was up to me whether to report to the police as it was my father and very close to home! They were just a call handler though so will see why the counsellor says today.

Hi OP,

Pleased to hear your brother is supporting you. That's great news.

Like others I do think you need to tell your ex. It's not going to be an easy conversation but he does have a right to know. Equally it's perhaps worth saying that he should also have some say in if the police need contacting. If roles were reversed I'm sure you would want to be part of that decision.

Hope all goes well with the NSPCC. It's good your getting their advice.

As you say, it wasn't a counsellor you spoke to but just someone answering the phone ... although it might have been better if they'd resisted the temptation to put their oar in when they clearly didn't have a clue

So glad you're calling back to speak to someone qualified, though; keeping my fingers crossed for a great outcome

I'd discount the 'advice' to speak to your father out of hand. I'd also consider mentioning what you were told when you talk to a counselor. It may be that their phone brigade need a brush up session on what not to say!

A pp mentioned about an emotional roller coaster, and I think that's wise to mention. We tend to 'downplay' experiences in our lives to enable us to get along in life. Not that we say they were unimportant or minimal, just that we often tell ourselves that we're 'past all that' when in truth we've just ignored it.

I can't believe the brass-necked gall of your mother! To offer you what amounts to a bribe! I think, if she calls again, you may be better off either just not answering or telling her honestly that what happened has not only upset your daughter and changed the way she feels about her grandfather but it's dredged up terrible memories for you. And that you'd prefer they not contact you, that you will be in touch with them when or IF you feel like it.

they said it was up to me whether to report to the police as it was my father and very close to home! - Actually, I'd say it was more important to report to the Police because it's close to home. A stranger attacking your dd is bad enough, but unlikely to happen more than once. Her own grandfather has access to her more often and more occasion to harm her (if you let him, which you won't, I hope)

And please, please go NC with your mum too. She has, at the very least, facilitated your father in his abuse of you throughout your childhood - she is not innocent in this. If she didn't protect you, she will not protect your dd either.

I'd go to the police as well, and then go NC. they don't deserve you in their lives.

Your dd is lucky to have you.

How was the talk to the counsellor?

Personally I'd report regardless of what they say, especially if there is a concern they might take you to court for access.

Obviously NEVER take her near this man again.

Domestic violence experts say choking/strangulation is one of the single best predictors that a violent man will escalate to killing a victim. Not even joking. The human neck is the most fragile part of the body, and people who will put their hands around your neck will often eventually snap and kill someone.

Counsellor was lovely - was on for ages, ultimately the decision was still mine as to what to do but have now reported it to the police. I am in bits.

You did the right thing Cuppa Tea, for all sorts of reasons

Have a big hug.

I can't imagine how it feels, although I reported my own husband to the police and went to court over it.

But I think you did the right thing for your daughter and yourself. The only ones who are likely to object are your father, the violent abuser and in fact a criminal, and your mother who protects him.

You have to call the police. If you don't you are doing exactly what your mother did to you. You must show your DD that the assault on her was unacceptable, it won't be brushed under the carpet or trivialised.

Mummamayhem I already did

And thankyou again for all your support and kind/sympathetic/insightful words

Police

Sorry hadn't rtft

Stay strong,you have to deal with this

It's a decision you didn't make lightly and sought advice on.

It m

Your daughter will never forget you stood up for her xx

Pressed post too soon

It must have been very hard for you, but try and take comfort in the fact you have at every point of this situation put your daughters welfare first.

Take care and try and get some rest

I understand you'll feel awful, Cuppa, but that doesn't change the fact that you've exactly the right thing; thank god your little girl has such a strong mum to protect her

I don't doubt both your parents will go ballistic, not least because of the effect this could have on their "standing" in the community. Luckily, if you decide to go NC, you won't have to be part of the fallout

Without question the right decision OP, a very difficult one I'm sure but absolutely right.

Not really posted before but I just wanted to say I think your daughter will be very proud of you when she's older and she knows what you did for her x

Well done Cuppa. I hope it does make him go ballistic. He can't touch you now. Or your dd.

I hope the fucking vicar gets to hear about it too.

Hear, hear Juju There are times when it's absolutely vital for adults to take the lead in showing what should be done, and this is surely one of them

As I said, I'm just so glad the DD has a mother like this