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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How could he - no forgiveness

226 replies

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 26/10/2015 01:26

I had a terrible childhood, being on tenterhooks as to what mood my father was in and whether he would get angry with me and hit me black and blue, not to mention all the psychological and emotional abuse, and my mother constantly explaining it away and not protecting me in any way. Thing is he was/is a highly respected academic and I come from a very middle class family so nobody ever suspected, and EVERY SINGLE incident has always been explained away or trivialised, so I found myself blaming myself for making a mountain out of a molehill. My life has been dictated by my childhood experiences and I've been through a hell of a lot of counselling and antidepressants to get to where I am.

Anyway, I though my dad had mellowed in his old age and that my coping strategies had gotten me to a stage where we could spend reasonable amounts of time together without major issue. It did t even occur to me that he would turn on anyone other than me. Until tonight.

We (7 yo DD, DH and I) came up for a few days for 1/2 term, this evening DD was watching something on the iPad upstairs on my bed, I'd just left her to come down to see DH when dad went upstairs, saw DD on the iPad and told her to go downstairs for dinner. DD, I believe, did her usual "just 30 seconds to see this bit" (she's a pickle and often difficult to manage, there's no denying it - but no behaviour is excuse for his actions) and dad lost it ... I heard the shouting from downstairs and recognised the manevolant, out of control, tone coming from him. By the time I'd got out of my chair he'd pushed her 1/2 way down the stairs and had his hands around her throat (yes his HANDS around her THROAT). She was hysterical, I grabbed her and screamed at him to get his hands off my daughter, he eventually did when I dragged her off him and I took her away clinging to me, dad immediately went in to "dinners ready are you just going to let it go cold" mode whilst DH was trying to persuade him to just leave us be whilst I consoled DD and stopped myself from launching myself at him. When he realised I wasn't just going to submit and let him get away with it he stormed out of the house. Next thing we had the vicar from the local abbey knocking at the door as dad had walked in and said he was going to sleep on a bench all night (if so why did he feel the need to go in to the abbey and tell her that? Classic emotional blackmail ... I should be used to it), my mum said it's his house he can come home so I said we'd leave - which we did.

So here I am, lying in a hotel bed next to my (wonderful, supportive) DH with DD in the bed next to us (she's OK, although understandably thinks her grandfather "is a mean man").

I have considered going NC in the past but I've been so programmed to believe the party line of "ah it's just him, but what can you do, if it wasn't for you doing X he'd have never reacted like that" that I've always felt too guilty. But you lay a fucking finger on my child and that is it - he no longer exists as far as I'm concerned. He's lucky I didn't call the police.

There's no real reason for me posting here other than DD and DH are sound asleep and I am lying awake with everything going round and round my head. Just needed to vent really.

OP posts:
Lweji · 27/10/2015 21:17

I'd hope the vicar never got to know what he actually did. I'm sure he went there with a sob story of how unreasonable you were.

LineyReborn · 27/10/2015 21:18

The NSPCC said you should talk to your father? What crap advice for them to give.

By the way it is extraordinarily rare for grandparents to gain arrangements to see grandchildren against the parent's wishes, unless the grandparents were wholly or partially bringing the children up or similarly in their lives.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/10/2015 21:28

it is extraordinarily rare for grandparents to gain arrangements to see grandchildren against the parent's wishes

You're right of course - but Cuppa's very wise actions will hopefully be a massive help if they dare to try

LineyReborn · 27/10/2015 21:31

Absolutely.

FinallyHere · 27/10/2015 21:44

Good on you, Cuppa, for protecting your daughter and, too, for choosing a lovely DH and DB.

We are rooting for you. {{{hugs}}} or a gentle hand on the shoulder, whatever you prefer. xx

Original poster
CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 27/10/2015 21:52

you're making me cry now (in a good way) :)

OP posts:
slithytove · 27/10/2015 22:17

Well done, what a brilliant example for your daughter Flowers

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/10/2015 22:17

Cuppa Flowers Flowers

Maybe, if you're tempted to shed a few tears, just think what you might have felt like one day, had you done nothing ... the tears wouldn't have been happy ones then

HexBramble · 27/10/2015 23:34

Another hand on your shoulder OP.
Youve just raised the bar by which your daughter will build her standards.

Thanks

Ohfourfoxache · 28/10/2015 00:00

You, Cuppa, are one amazing lady.

Well done, what you've just done has taken balls of steel but by god was it the right thing to do xx

AcrossthePond55 · 28/10/2015 00:02

You have done the right thing. It's protecting your daughter and a bit of vindication for what you went through as a child. I salute you.

Serioussteve · 28/10/2015 00:21

You're doing the right thing, sending hugs and moral support. Stay strong!!

aurynne · 28/10/2015 03:00

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger, I am in awe of how brave you have been. Your DD must be so proud of you!

I would not want you to have to stop IVF because of this, that would be incredibly unfair. I would be happy to contribute financially with what I can so you can complete your IVF cycle, and I would like to suggest you open a "givealittle" or similar fundraising page so people can donate to help you with it. I am sure many other mumsnetters would contribute.

mathanxiety · 28/10/2015 03:15

These are aggressive and completely uncontrite people you are dealing with - as evidenced by your mother's phone call. The phone call also shows that they have a bottomless pit of contempt for you,if they thought you would take them up on their 'offer'.

I think your father's comment to you at the time of the incident that it will all blow over also showed contempt towards you.

You have been utterly devalued by these people.

I am glad your DBro will be supporting you. You have your DH too and presumably DD's father (who needs to be told asap by the way if he has not already heard). You will need to tell DD's school.

Atenco · 28/10/2015 04:20

Just read the entire thread and I just wanted to say that your dd will never forget the mother tiger she has when anyone wants to harm her. I'm so so so sorry you did not have a mother like yourself.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 28/10/2015 07:46

I'm with aurynne. no idea how expensive it is though, and we ain't rich, but I'd contribute.

rainbowstardrops · 28/10/2015 07:50

Well done OP!
I still can't fathom your mother though. She stood by during your childhood and let you suffer at the hands of your father and now she's prepared to take the same route with her granddaughter?
Are you sure he's not giving her the same treatment that he gave you and she's not completely terrified of him?
It doesn't excuse her behaviour but it might add up a little more.

GloriaHotcakes · 28/10/2015 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 28/10/2015 08:04

I'm so glad you have been to the police. In a way this also makes it easier to tell your DD's father - you can imagine how you would feel if he said 'I took her to see my father and he tried to strangle her but I've decided not to report it'. It shows him (and your DD) that safeguarding her is your most important priority and you will never compromise on that.

The IVF thing is beyond creepy. This is so clearly about control and access to further victims. Can you reject the payment when it arrives?

I'm assuming you are still in counselling; I think it would be beneficial to examine why you thought he would only ever abuse you. Logically that was never likely to be the case and suggests that on some level you still blame yourself for what happened. Of course you are not to blame, either for what happened as a child or what happened this week.

mathanxiety is spot on. I think this will be a turning point for you in breaking from the enmeshment, Cuppa. Bravo.

Lweji · 28/10/2015 08:08

Just pointing out that you can't have anyone arrested.
And reminding everyone to be careful about sending money to people you don't know.
This thread has gone weird...
Not your fault, OP.

I hope you are feeling better about your decision.
He doesn't deserve your love or consideration.

TeamScoutRifle · 28/10/2015 08:31

This thread was weird in the first place.
Who witnesses their child being attacked & strangled and doesn't call the police straight away regardless of who it was that attacked the child and no one else encouraged her to do so either eg. her husband.
My husband is my kids step father and I would be the one holding him back if anyone had touched my kids. In fact when my son was bullied it took great restraint for my husband not to go round the kids house and have a few words with the parents.
As for not letting the daughters father know straight away what happened so he could decide what action is taken against the grandfather I'm astounded. I let my ex know everything that happens to our kids. He was the first person I called about our sons bullying.
I appreciate the op may have been scared, although if her husband had to hold her back then that's not likely, but my first thought would be getting the police to come and getting my child medically checked over.
This thread has just pissed me off with how badly the situation was handled.

GloriaHotcakes · 28/10/2015 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 28/10/2015 08:36

Are you a child of abusive parents?

CuteAsaF0x · 28/10/2015 08:37

Wow.

Write it down so that you never minimise it. Get a diary tomorrow and write this down. Brew

I agree, go NC. If this doesn't give you carte blanche to go NC, nothing will.

Offred · 28/10/2015 08:40

Just seen this and RTFT.

You've done all the right things. I'm glad your brother is there for you and I'm sure this must be very triggering for you. Flowers