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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How could he - no forgiveness

226 replies

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 26/10/2015 01:26

I had a terrible childhood, being on tenterhooks as to what mood my father was in and whether he would get angry with me and hit me black and blue, not to mention all the psychological and emotional abuse, and my mother constantly explaining it away and not protecting me in any way. Thing is he was/is a highly respected academic and I come from a very middle class family so nobody ever suspected, and EVERY SINGLE incident has always been explained away or trivialised, so I found myself blaming myself for making a mountain out of a molehill. My life has been dictated by my childhood experiences and I've been through a hell of a lot of counselling and antidepressants to get to where I am.

Anyway, I though my dad had mellowed in his old age and that my coping strategies had gotten me to a stage where we could spend reasonable amounts of time together without major issue. It did t even occur to me that he would turn on anyone other than me. Until tonight.

We (7 yo DD, DH and I) came up for a few days for 1/2 term, this evening DD was watching something on the iPad upstairs on my bed, I'd just left her to come down to see DH when dad went upstairs, saw DD on the iPad and told her to go downstairs for dinner. DD, I believe, did her usual "just 30 seconds to see this bit" (she's a pickle and often difficult to manage, there's no denying it - but no behaviour is excuse for his actions) and dad lost it ... I heard the shouting from downstairs and recognised the manevolant, out of control, tone coming from him. By the time I'd got out of my chair he'd pushed her 1/2 way down the stairs and had his hands around her throat (yes his HANDS around her THROAT). She was hysterical, I grabbed her and screamed at him to get his hands off my daughter, he eventually did when I dragged her off him and I took her away clinging to me, dad immediately went in to "dinners ready are you just going to let it go cold" mode whilst DH was trying to persuade him to just leave us be whilst I consoled DD and stopped myself from launching myself at him. When he realised I wasn't just going to submit and let him get away with it he stormed out of the house. Next thing we had the vicar from the local abbey knocking at the door as dad had walked in and said he was going to sleep on a bench all night (if so why did he feel the need to go in to the abbey and tell her that? Classic emotional blackmail ... I should be used to it), my mum said it's his house he can come home so I said we'd leave - which we did.

So here I am, lying in a hotel bed next to my (wonderful, supportive) DH with DD in the bed next to us (she's OK, although understandably thinks her grandfather "is a mean man").

I have considered going NC in the past but I've been so programmed to believe the party line of "ah it's just him, but what can you do, if it wasn't for you doing X he'd have never reacted like that" that I've always felt too guilty. But you lay a fucking finger on my child and that is it - he no longer exists as far as I'm concerned. He's lucky I didn't call the police.

There's no real reason for me posting here other than DD and DH are sound asleep and I am lying awake with everything going round and round my head. Just needed to vent really.

OP posts:
magiccatlitter · 26/10/2015 03:26

What a vile evil man. I can't believe nobody has knocked his block off yet. Very surprised your DH didn't knock him out cold.

Yes, definitely cut them out of your life forever. He is still the violent bully he's always been.

Other people can keep making excuses for him. Fuck that. You don't have to or subject yourself or your family to anymore of his disgusting behaviour.

Lweji · 26/10/2015 03:40

So sorry for you and your DD.

I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight and decide on what to do tomorrow with a clear head.

It's understandable that you may not want to report this very serious assault to the police, but, as much as it would pain me, I would. If anything to also give you some closure on the abuse you suffered when young.

As for your mother, it's possible she is scared of him, but she would have the choice to leave him or be an accomplice.
I would, in any case, cut ties from both, unless she is prepared to leave him and be a witness against him.
We only need good people in our lives, not abusive, even if they are parents.

novemberchild · 26/10/2015 03:41

I just want to say that I'm really sorry.

I know how this feels. My dad died so I never really dealt with this. But I would have done exactly as you did.

Never see him again. Show your daughter that nobody gets to hit her.

mathanxiety · 26/10/2015 03:41

CuppaTea, you did absolutely the right thing in saving your DD and getting out of there.

Now you need to take DD to a hospital to have her neck examined and any bruising recorded, plus details of how it all happened.

Then, you MUST call the Police. Please don't talk yourself out of it. DH can make the call if that is how you prefer it.

After that you can cut him out of your life, forever. You can go to counselling, and get the help you need to deal with the fallout from your own experience of abuse, and the memories all of this has brought up for you.

But right now you must have DD seen my a doctor and you must make that call, or go to the local station and report the assault there.

Try to get some sleep Flowers

differentnameforthis · 26/10/2015 06:12

Call the police. If a stranger did this to your child you'd call them.

Fyaral · 26/10/2015 06:20

You were very brave OP. I think calling the police might help you as well as dd.

Fugghetaboutit · 26/10/2015 06:29

If you see him again, it's telling your daughter he's more important and his behaviour is ok. Please consider calling the police and going completely NC. He can bring nothing good to your life.

iwannadancewithsomebody · 26/10/2015 06:32

OP, I do hope you managed to get some sleep.

Please consider contacting the police, perhaps back home? I wouldn't let your previous experience prevent you from now contacting them. You owe your parents nothing, not even their reputation. Like a pp said, you wouldn't be in two minds not to call the police if it was a stranger who assaulted your DD.

I would contact the police then phone your mum telling her what you have done and give her the choice of standing by you or your dad. Do you have any siblings?

And as for sending the vicar- just wow! I don't know if you are religious but that stinks of a power trip on your fathers behalf

Serioussteve · 26/10/2015 06:57

Another call for you to have your daughter checked out medically.

I think too you should call the police but regardless you're a strong woman and strong bonded mother to react how you did. Your daughter is blessed to have you.

Best wishes.

MythicalKings · 26/10/2015 07:09

I agree with talking to the police. You did the right thing, OP, well done.

hesterton · 26/10/2015 07:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 26/10/2015 07:27

Thankyou all so much, the more I think about it the more I realise that (not wanting to blow my own trumpet) my reaction what I needed as a child, a lot of my counselling focused around how I would treat my younger self and this was the perfect opportunity up put that in to practice - not that I reacted to the situation for myself (I didn't superimpose myself as a child on top of DD or anything!), it was pure instinct to protect my DD. But it did bring back memories as my dad tried to strangle me on the stairs once when I was about 12 (had me pinned to the floor with his hands around my neck) and that was trivialised to the point that they've both been known to joke about it.

I got about 3 hours sleep, it doesn't help that I've got flu and larangitis at the moment and have been coughing all night (trying not to wake DD and DH) - feel rotten, but when they're awake I'm going to examine DD's neck again and if there is any mark I will take her to a&e - unfortunately through experience I know that he usually doesn't leave one, irrespective of this I am going to talk to DH about our next move.

NB: not that it makes much difference but DH is DD's stepdaughter (my daughter from my first marriage) - he loves and feels very responsible for her and would defend her to the end. He is taking my lead on this and supporting me amazingly.

OP posts:
hesterton · 26/10/2015 07:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IrianofWay · 26/10/2015 07:52

Good for you OP. You were strong and showed that no-one needs to put up with that sort of behaviour X

Did he apologise at all? Does he realise what he did was totally unacceptable? Perhaps if there are consequences for him (and your mum) he might begin to realise that this is NOT OK or an acceptable way to behave.

Original poster
CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 26/10/2015 07:59

Absolutely no apology - when he was trying to put his foot down about us staying he even said it would all just blow over - ummm not this time!

OP posts:
swisscheesetony · 26/10/2015 08:04

I would like you to consider going to the police - to heal your own childhood as well as your daughters. It wasn't your fault nobody supported you when you were a child, but you a strong now and have your husband to support you. If will send a powerful message to all involved.

Lweji · 26/10/2015 08:05

And I'd consider reporting the previous abuse of when you were a child too.

Phoenix0x0 · 26/10/2015 08:15

You need to go to the police. What a vile man....trying to strangle a child!

You sound wonderful and protected your DD like a mother is supposed to do.

Don't feel guilty about going NC, see it as finally closing the door to the past and healing your inner child.

Anomaly · 26/10/2015 08:26

Please report this to the police. This isn't about you and your dad anymore.

This is now all about your daughter and you showing her that you will do the right thing for her. I can't believe your DH didn't call the police and while it may be supportive of you for him to follow your lead its not actually supportive of your daughter.

petalsandstars · 26/10/2015 08:28

Well done OP, you've done the right thing getting out of the situation. The next steps forward are NC and police. Tell them everything. For your daughters sake, and I would also be prepared for involvement from relatives/siblings etc to try to bring you back into line of submission.

Be strong Flowers

Penfold007 · 26/10/2015 08:32

OP you must report this assault to the police, this is a serious safeguarding issue. If you don't report it you are enabling and condoning his behaviour. When your DD mentions the assault to her DF he will want to know what you did about it. Your DM was in the same house she knew exactly what happened.
I'm sorry to be harsh but you need to protect your daughter.

K1mberly · 26/10/2015 08:53

Do what math anxiety said .

Do not expect an apology from either of your parents . Ever .

I hope you can see now that the abuse you suffered as a child was not your fault . It was his choice . He is an abuser and your mother colludes with him. You were as much of a victim then as your Dd was yesterday . it's NOT your fault . It's not what you did or said or how you reacted . It's him .

You mentioned in your OP about forgiveness . This not about forgiveness or otherwise . You can choose, if you wish, to forgive your father for how he treated you as a child. That's your choice and your right.

Some people find it helps them in their recovery and closure . Others don't feel the need for it . Some do want to forgive, but can't . All of these are fine.

What you must NOT do, and you don't have the right to , is put your DD at risk . And I'd advise you not to put your own mental wellbeing at risk by having further contract with your parents , the abusers .

Forgiving someone and putting yourself at risk of further harm ARE TWO COMPLETELY SEPARATE THINGS. Please don't confuse them .

K1mberly · 26/10/2015 09:00

When you have time, come over to the stately homes thread on this board . You will find lots of other women who will understand you and the fear, obligation and guilt that your parents ,the abusers ,put on you.

Dollius01 · 26/10/2015 09:03

Another call for getting the police involved. Things have changed a lot since we were kids, the police understand domestic violence and abuse much, much better now. He deserves it for what he has done to you all your life.

BeanGirls · 26/10/2015 10:11

Oh my god. That's horrible and unimaginable. I definitely think NC now and I know it would be difficult, but for dad's sake I'd call the police. I couldn't let someone do thst to my child. It's up to you though.