Partner has new relationship

[NuttyNathalie]

My DD a couple of months ago accidentally stumbled across evidence her dad was in a relationship with another woman. DD immediately told me and all hell broke loose. We got the number from his phone and I called her. She dodged every question and then hung up. 2 minutes later DP calls me and tells me never to call his "friends" again. I told him we knew about his OW. He was out at the time but immediately drove home to confront me. He told me we had never had a relationship, I was just the mother of his children. He had found someone that accepted he had children and lived as a family unit. He won't ever leave us or move in with her but loves her and is in a relationship with her. I had a complete breakdown. Smashed my hand through a window, had anxiety attacks and lost the will to live. I was at rock bottom and had to go into hospital. Was put on Diazapam. I have 2 DC. 8 and 11. They witnessed the whole thing and I know I'm a terrible mother for letting them see and hear everything. I was just so lost. I went to stay with my parents for a week but the kids wouldn't leave their home and school even though they hate their dad. I realise it's their stability so I moved back. He still is in that relationship with the OW. She knows what happened and I think she was actually glad I had walked out. My partner is very controlling and he owns everything. I have no job and no money. I'm trapped. I recorded him on a tablet when I was doing the school run saying to her on the phone that he wanted the relationship to last between them and to work towards marriage! He told me and the kids he would never leave us. We are a family unit. We come first. It doesn't feel like that. He hardly spends any time at the house. Just sleeps here during the week and stays with her during the weekend. He is her boss. He owns a shop and she works there. She is nearly 20 years younger. 3 years younger than me. We don't have sex since I confronted him but he sometimes comes for cuddles when things are rocky in his new relationship. He tells me he can't have sex with me but wishes he could but the OW is insecure. We are going on a guilt holiday tomorrow booked by him but he will spend all his time texting and talking to her as she is very angry he is taking his "family" on holiday. I want to be angry but I just feel so sad, lonely and lost. My kids both have councilling at school and I'm not on any medication. That made me feel weird. I just want to pretend it's not happening but my mind won't rest. I'm trapped.

Sweetheart, you do NOT have a partner and he is NOT in a new relationship. He is a complete dick who is using both of you. Please don't go on holiday - take your bags and your kids and their passports and get out. ii nyer old children to not tell their parents what to do - but they shouldn't have to tell one of their parents the other one is fucking someone else either.
I can't believe how fucking awful this whole sitution is, for you, for your children - even for the poor bitch he's strining along now.
What could be more toxic that what you are living through now?

Well this is bizarre.

You seem to think you've got one over on the OW by clinging on to this man with your fingertips.

Surely you have more self respect that this?

I'm so sorry. You have to get out of this for you and for your children. He is having his cake and eating eat. More importantly, you need to feel in control of your life again. Xxx

This is abuse and recognising it will allow you to get help. Pocketsaviour, do courts recognise this though leading to a favourable outcome?

Abuse is not generally taken into account in terms of financial settlement, no. It may be relevant to any contact order made, e.g. supervised contact only (although the age of OP's children this will be largely irrelevant if they don't want to see him.)

However it would be possible to use documented abuse to try to get an occupation order, as goddess posted earlier.

OP, please see a solicitor on Monday. It sounds like you had a bad experience before, shop around and see someone else, and ask them if they have experience with very controlling and abusive men.

You also mentioned you phoned WA and they weren't helpful. You could try again - I believe the switchboards are staffed by volunteers and you may have spoken to someone who's not totally clued up.

You can do this, you can protect your children by leaving. I know they are clinging onto the family home - that's because they're kids, and kids hate change. People have to move all the time, kids hate it but it really doesn't do them harm (unless in the middle of sitting exams, obviously.)

The fact your kids are in counselling shows they are being affected by your abusive partner. They don't have a choice - you do. You can choose to step up and act in their best interests.

Is there something specific that puts you off Warwickshire? I've never been there for any length of time but it doesn't strike me as awful. I know big cities are great for lots of things (job opportunities, culture, public transport) but sometimes you just have to take the shitty end of the stick and make the best of it.

Please do not subject your children or yourself to a 'holiday' with this abusive prick. Start there.

I cannot force especially my DD to leave with me. She is extremely mature for her age and she has already told me she won't leave the family home. Both the children know that mummy and daddy are not together anymore. They know and accept this. This behaviour by their father isn't a recent thing. It's been this way for over a year. The only recent thing is finding out about OW. I know I have to leave and I will. I just have to plan it and leave in a civilised manner. Not rush out the door in tears with two distressed children. Since we found out about OW he is less controlling and has backed off. I can plan without fear of him finding out. The holiday is just a chance for me and the kids to have fun, they have for years now known their father isn't the full ticket. I have brought them up practically single handedly. His behaviour is nothing new. Mummy and daddy have never been happy.

He may have the locks changed and ow moved in during the holiday.

I know I haven't got one over on the OW but I've put everything I have into living with this man. I gave up everything and everyone. I was young and naive. I have to plan and prepare. I've literally got nothing. I will get more legal advice because when we leave he will be hot on my tail and burning for a fight. My GP knows about everything and it's all in my maternity notes from my first child and 2nd. Social services know too unfortunately. From my breakdown.

Hotorebuild, the house is in such a state he wouldn't bring a dog to live here. She'd take one look and run. It really is that bad. He drags his heels about renovating the house even though money isn't an issue.

Tell him you will meet him at the airport, then don't turn up. He has an agenda for this holiday.

That is it, he will renovate when on holiday.

Hotorebuild, what do you think it could be?

He won't renovate this house. Not for her. He has other properties in London she could move into. He even still owns his bachelor flat. That's a shit hole too apparently. I've never been there personally but DD has, once. She said it was disgusting and smelt really bad. He hasn't lived there for 12 years.

This situation is utterly dire. You were totally right when you said he is a total cunt and you were totally right when you said he isn't the full ticket. He is a desperately abusive and controlling man. He is truly not right in the head (tho don't feel sorry for him!!)

Stubbornness seems to run in your family: you wouldn't listen to your parents, your kids flatly refuse to move. If your kids moved you'd be sorted. Where does the stubbornness come from?

I'm sorry you've had a crap time with Women's Aid. That isn't usually goes it goes at all - was it your local Women's Aid or the helpline? Anyone who works in domestic abuse knows it's not simple to just leave.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Do! It'll help you get your head straight in record time, you'll meet other women facing the same stuff (though your situation is severe, it has to be said). He has totally controlled and dominated you down to the bedrock, you have nothing. While he is very wealthy. He keeps you in a shit hole though he could easily afford renovations. Why do the kids flatly refuse to leave a shit hole btw? How old are they? Do they want to stay bcs of the area/schools?

If you could just channel that immense stubbornness to getting out you'd be flying! I feel for you, your situation is dire. He should be in a secure unit.

I know I would be a lot happier if I left or even if he left, it's making that first step that is hard. I have asked him to leave numerous times but he flatly refuses. I do wonder if he will change his mind if the OW tells him to. I asked him this and he said no one tells him what to do. I don't believe him. She seems to be controlling him to a degree. I've heard them talk through recording and he molly coddles her. Why has he controlled me for years but not her? Hasn't even started to show signs he will. I wish he'd just leave and I could be done with it. Wish me luck on this guilt holiday. It's going to be a roller coaster. I'm praying it goes quickly.

Everybody on this thread, including op, is completely wasting their time and effort.

So what do you suggest I do AnyFucker?? I have to take the kids on holiday. It's 4 days. They've been looking forward to it. I can't ruin this. I have done enough over the past few months to traumatise them for life. If I run now they'll never forgive me. 4 days isn't going to make much difference in their eyes. I'm not a naturally angry, confrontational person so I find it difficult.

OP, do you actually prefer your current abysmal situation to actually getting out of it?

What posters are suggesting you do is laid out above. Put your natural inclinations to one side, right now you have a parental duty and responsibility and cancelling that short holiday would be the advisable thing for you and DC. You have bigger fish to fry.

I have read about some utter cunts on this board but Nat your "d"p really has plumbed new depths.

Why aren't you angry? If not for you, for your children?

he is not going to leave and just give you his house - wake up. You and dc need to leave - sod the holiday

I agree with AF - we are all completely wasting our time. waiting for him to dump the ow and then come back with open arms is ridiculous. While he is shagging her in a hotel at the weekend you spend all weekend posting about him when you could have been packing and leaving. Do you think he gave you one thought this weekend, nope?

And you do not have to take your kids on holiday at all - that is just a stupid statement. You don't have to put up with this joke of a fake relationship but you do.

I give up.

As a parent, you have to do the right thing for your DC's and you think that keeping them in their home and school is keeping their stability. I understand why you think that but as someone who has been in an abusive marriage and an outsider to your situation its not. You say they hate their father and all of you are going through the shit and trauma of his open affair, it must feel like you are in a living hell. You know your DC's are suffering as are you and it is time to look after yourselves.

Move out with the DC's and build a happy, peaceful life for you all. As a parent we do the best for our children even if they don't like it. You wouldn't feed them sweets and chocolate in place of meals, they might not like that decision but you do it for their health. For all your mental health please leave this man and see how all your lives change for the better.

OP I had a holiday booked just after my exh was arrested and the kids weren't that bothered I cancelled it. You already are dreading it before you even go so how bad will it be seeing him texting and calling. You may think you are bothering her but you are hurting the DC's and yourself more.

Good luck op, I think AF is right, currently you have no interest in making life better for your children.

OP, your only goal at present seems to be competing with the OW for the booby prize that is this man.

You seem willing to debase yourself in any way to achieve that, including keeping your children in an unhealthy dynamic.

That is your choice of course, but don't be surprised if you get zero support in that decision.

Even if you do "win" I shouldn't imagine it would take him to long to replace OW - after all he knows you'll put up with it.

And what would you have won? A life of drudgery in a shit hole with miserable kids and a man who treats you worse than a dog? Some prize.