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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner has new relationship

356 replies

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 12:46

My DD a couple of months ago accidentally stumbled across evidence her dad was in a relationship with another woman. DD immediately told me and all hell broke loose. We got the number from his phone and I called her. She dodged every question and then hung up. 2 minutes later DP calls me and tells me never to call his "friends" again. I told him we knew about his OW. He was out at the time but immediately drove home to confront me. He told me we had never had a relationship, I was just the mother of his children. He had found someone that accepted he had children and lived as a family unit. He won't ever leave us or move in with her but loves her and is in a relationship with her. I had a complete breakdown. Smashed my hand through a window, had anxiety attacks and lost the will to live. I was at rock bottom and had to go into hospital. Was put on Diazapam. I have 2 DC. 8 and 11. They witnessed the whole thing and I know I'm a terrible mother for letting them see and hear everything. I was just so lost. I went to stay with my parents for a week but the kids wouldn't leave their home and school even though they hate their dad. I realise it's their stability so I moved back. He still is in that relationship with the OW. She knows what happened and I think she was actually glad I had walked out. My partner is very controlling and he owns everything. I have no job and no money. I'm trapped. I recorded him on a tablet when I was doing the school run saying to her on the phone that he wanted the relationship to last between them and to work towards marriage! He told me and the kids he would never leave us. We are a family unit. We come first. It doesn't feel like that. He hardly spends any time at the house. Just sleeps here during the week and stays with her during the weekend. He is her boss. He owns a shop and she works there. She is nearly 20 years younger. 3 years younger than me. We don't have sex since I confronted him but he sometimes comes for cuddles when things are rocky in his new relationship. He tells me he can't have sex with me but wishes he could but the OW is insecure. We are going on a guilt holiday tomorrow booked by him but he will spend all his time texting and talking to her as she is very angry he is taking his "family" on holiday. I want to be angry but I just feel so sad, lonely and lost. My kids both have councilling at school and I'm not on any medication. That made me feel weird. I just want to pretend it's not happening but my mind won't rest. I'm trapped.

OP posts:
howtorebuild · 26/10/2015 09:13

I think a previous poster hit the nail on the head, OP, her parents and children are all stubborn. I hope OP you model better behaviour to your children before they learn to become entrenched.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 26/10/2015 09:37

I agree with the poster who said you are emotionally abusing your children with this situation.

If the school have any inkling of this tgere will be concern forms piling up (if they are doing their job properly).

Utterly selfish and ridiculous behaviour by someone who cares not a jot about her children in reality.

ScarletRuby2 · 26/10/2015 13:25

This is going to be harsh, but you need to hear it.

You are failing your children. You are emotionally abusing them. You and your children need to leave now. If you continue to fail to protect them they should be removed from your care. You have no self-respect and you are choosing to be a victim.

NerrSnerr · 26/10/2015 16:53

Your poor children. When your daughter ends up in a horrific relationship because she doesn't know any better it will be all your fault. You are the adult and it's your responsibility to make decisions in your children's best interest.

springydaffs · 26/10/2015 18:12

You seem to genuinely believe he has all the power. He doesn't, he's just brainwashed you that he has. He really doesn't. He is a tinpot dictator, a little man.

You also seem to think you have NO power. But you do! I know this is easy for me to say bcs I was in your position once, exactly the same powerlessness. It's the way they grind us down, bit by bit, so we genuinely think we are useless and powerless. We are not! You are NOT.

Get on the Freedom Programme. Google it now, click 'find a course'and find a course near you. It is a brilliant course, very relaxed, very nurturing. They know how hard it is, they know all about the powerlessness.

Don't tell him, mind. Get your strength, your power, back. If I can do it, anybody can. I mean it! He had me tied up so bad I couldn't even go out bcs I had nothing to wear.

springydaffs · 26/10/2015 18:14

How old are your kids btw? Sorry if I missed that.

SugarDiabetes · 28/10/2015 10:59

In the original post, it says DCs are 8 and 11

rainbowstardrops · 28/10/2015 11:27

I'm with AnyFucker
Complete waste of everyone's time.
I've got a pretty shite set up at home right now but I can't see any mother putting her children through this kind of abuse.
Bizarre Confused

springydaffs · 28/10/2015 13:04

No. She's away.

The powerlessness in these situations can be unbelievable. Op genuinely thinks she has no power at all - not hard for her to think that when she has zero assets and her vile vile husband has a vicelike grip. It's a process to climb out of that extreme powerlessness.

You can do it op. You can.

springydaffs · 28/10/2015 13:06

Partner I should say. She doesn't even have a right to any marital assets he's kept her so tight.

NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 09:45

Just found out he's taking her to Vienna for 4 days... I don't know how much more I can take.

OP posts:
TooSassy · 01/11/2015 10:03

Ok. A few things here.

Firstly. The DC's are saying they want to stay in their family home and go to school. I have only skimmed the thread so hopefully haven't missed a vital bit of info (please do let me know if I have).
The courts are going to put the DC's stability front and centre here. They need to stay in the family home.

Secondly. The OP had a fairly big meltdown when all of this was found out. Listen we can all have moments but in terms of this situation, that meltdown could short term work against her.

Third point. The husband here (again in the courts eyes) has done nothing wrong with regards to duty of care to children. So he has every right to come and go and stay in the house.

If the OP leaves. Or tries to move the DC's out the house it would very much go against her. In her other halves shoes I would move to file in court under emergency proceedings to get the DC's moved back immediately. And he would most likely win.

On a final note. And OP I say this with sensitivity because as I said we can all have moments like this and they don't by any means define this, but what if this situation was reversed? And this was a man who had flipped like this in front of his children? I would bet that the majority of posters would be on here saying get him out the house, he's a threat to your DC's.

This is a tricky situation for many reasons Op.
Hang tight. Get to your GP and to another lawyer (one who specialises in family law). There is always a way forward and right now you need to know your legal options.

summerwinterton · 01/11/2015 10:09

He isn't a husband - the house is his. The court isn't going to give his house to the mother of his children.

mix56 · 01/11/2015 10:24

You do have options, you can get financial help & he will have to pay maintenance. If he loves his children at all, he will leave them in their home & they won't change schools.
Because he holds the purse strings he thinks he can decide. NO, you do not accept that, he can pay for a flat with the money he is currently spending on meals & hotels with the OW.
He will not change his mind because you are giving him cuddles, he is not a furry toy fgs.
Your life, WHOLE life, is definitivly ruined if you don't stop this now.
Your children are learning that this is how relationships are. Both of them will be damaged possibly for life.
DO NOT GO ON THIS HOLIDAY, tell him to fuck off with his OW, & you will be getting legal advice. GET your ANGER, get your SELF ESTEEM.
I know you are hurting. but you need to stop this now

Heathcliff27 · 01/11/2015 10:33

Well OP, you've been given plenty of very good advice here. Will you take it? I doubt it. I'm starting to think you're enjoying all this attention.

category12 · 01/11/2015 10:47

The dc are not old enough to decide what happens and don't have the tools to make the decision. You need to call your parents and get them to come and get you all. Your dd is not in charge of this decision. By your own admission your current house is a shithole and your partner is an abusive prick the dc dislike.

Just go. Make a new life for yourselves. Let go of this craziness.

NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 11:00

Toosassy you have hit the nail on the head. If I hadn't had the complete mental breakdown it wouldn't be so bad but that changed everything. On paper he is clean but I know what he's really like

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 01/11/2015 11:00

What category12 said.

Stop "taking this" op. Act. Please.

NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 11:01

In the courts eyes he is doing no wrong. I am the psycho

OP posts:
NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 11:01

He will always win

OP posts:
NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 11:04

I know giving him "cuddles" is so stupid. It's pathetic. I'm so immature. We had sex while we were on holiday and spent every night in each others arms. Yet in the day he was texting her. What the fuck is wrong with me!!!! I'm so weak.

OP posts:
howtorebuild · 01/11/2015 11:04

He wins because you enable it.

NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 11:06

I'm 31 and he is 47 next week. We are acting like school kids.

OP posts:
NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 11:17

I'm going to slowly slowly do something about this. Make some friends. Volunteer at a charity shop ( I can't work as he won't look after kids) Get some life experience. For the past 12 years I've just been mum. I met him when I was 16 and he was 32. My life literally stopped then. I still feel 16. He never allowed me to grow up. I've never paid a bill in my life, haven't worked never needed to. Since starting his relationship he's basically let me loose and I feel washed out to sea. Tells me to do something with my life. A little late now. I'm emotionally drained.

OP posts:
ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 01/11/2015 11:17

There is no "we" here.

He is behaving like the cat who got the cream and you are behaving like a weak fool.

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