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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner has new relationship

356 replies

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 12:46

My DD a couple of months ago accidentally stumbled across evidence her dad was in a relationship with another woman. DD immediately told me and all hell broke loose. We got the number from his phone and I called her. She dodged every question and then hung up. 2 minutes later DP calls me and tells me never to call his "friends" again. I told him we knew about his OW. He was out at the time but immediately drove home to confront me. He told me we had never had a relationship, I was just the mother of his children. He had found someone that accepted he had children and lived as a family unit. He won't ever leave us or move in with her but loves her and is in a relationship with her. I had a complete breakdown. Smashed my hand through a window, had anxiety attacks and lost the will to live. I was at rock bottom and had to go into hospital. Was put on Diazapam. I have 2 DC. 8 and 11. They witnessed the whole thing and I know I'm a terrible mother for letting them see and hear everything. I was just so lost. I went to stay with my parents for a week but the kids wouldn't leave their home and school even though they hate their dad. I realise it's their stability so I moved back. He still is in that relationship with the OW. She knows what happened and I think she was actually glad I had walked out. My partner is very controlling and he owns everything. I have no job and no money. I'm trapped. I recorded him on a tablet when I was doing the school run saying to her on the phone that he wanted the relationship to last between them and to work towards marriage! He told me and the kids he would never leave us. We are a family unit. We come first. It doesn't feel like that. He hardly spends any time at the house. Just sleeps here during the week and stays with her during the weekend. He is her boss. He owns a shop and she works there. She is nearly 20 years younger. 3 years younger than me. We don't have sex since I confronted him but he sometimes comes for cuddles when things are rocky in his new relationship. He tells me he can't have sex with me but wishes he could but the OW is insecure. We are going on a guilt holiday tomorrow booked by him but he will spend all his time texting and talking to her as she is very angry he is taking his "family" on holiday. I want to be angry but I just feel so sad, lonely and lost. My kids both have councilling at school and I'm not on any medication. That made me feel weird. I just want to pretend it's not happening but my mind won't rest. I'm trapped.

OP posts:
ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 25/10/2015 15:08

Sorry but get some self respect! Of course he was in a bloody relationship with you. This is ridiculous! Move out and stand up for yourself. You are the adult the children do what they are told. Show them how. Uch nicer rented houses would be.

You could get a job as a carer. Do you not have experience working in his shop? You would get benefits. You need to realise you aren't actually living a happy life just now and if you leave, things will be so much better in the long run.

goddessofsmallthings · 25/10/2015 15:10

The ow is Russian and he's promised her he 'wants to work towards marrying her'? If he doesn't come across and give her what she wants soon she's not going to stick around, and if he does marry her he won't know what's hit him. rofl.

CheersMedea · 25/10/2015 15:10

He told me we had never had a relationship, I was just the mother of his children.

Why would you want to stay with someone who talks to you like this? He's just saying "I happened to fuck you and get you pregnant. That's all it was". JESUS He is a NASTY piece of work.

He won't ever leave us or move in with her but loves her and is in a relationship with her.

You do realise this isn't his decision alone. As others have said, you need to seek proper, effective legal advice. A legal adviser shouldn't be laughing at you - sounds like you had a bad bit of luck there. Don't let that put you off. Finding a lawyer may mean going to a few appointments til you find one who you like and trust AND has experience in ancilliary relief/family financial law. There are lots of places to start from - in addition to going directly to solicitors, the law society has a pro bono arm, citizens advice, women's refuges/help centres.

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 15:11

He would very happily shed thousands of pounds on courts. Just to fight me. The kids would cramp his style yes but he'd get OW to look after them. Just because he'd have to. Womens aid are crap. I've called them. They only want to help you if you are ready to leave almost immediately.

OP posts:
NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 15:15

People have said that she's after his money. He is a wealthy man. I don't see a penny but I didn't love him for that.

OP posts:
FredaMayor · 25/10/2015 15:17

NN, do you want OH to win, because you a enabling him awfully well in his plans? Stop telling yourself you are impotent, because it's not true. Your first step is to grasp this reality you are now in. You can pay your lawyers when you get your settlement, and OW may well scarper onto easier pickings.

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 15:21

Fredamayor we're not married. Not entitled to anything. I have nothing to do with his shop. Never seen it. He won't tell me where it is although I have found out through Google. It's a complete secret. He says if I have anything to do with it I'll tell my family and they will cause trouble. Not true. My family are wonderful caring people. He just hates them because I listen to them and they still support me.

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 25/10/2015 15:25

why are you with him? He is vile and treats you like scum

howtorebuild · 25/10/2015 15:25

You could speak to your GP and get counselling?

Verypissedoffwife · 25/10/2015 15:27

What sort of shop is it?

Does OW have the correct paperwork to work here?

FredaMayor · 25/10/2015 15:29

If your not married then and don't have property in common then you can get out when you like. OH sounds like a complete shit, you really must face your situation head on and get help and support now.

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 15:33

Been to GP. At the time I pushed away councilling. I may go back. The shop is a vegan health food shop. OW has been here quite a few years. Studied here and worked for London Olympics. She seems to work for a while to save up to go travelling. I went through a stage of obsessing about getting info on her.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 25/10/2015 15:33

Fredamayor we're not married. Not entitled to anything As I've explained earlier, this is NOT true, Nathalie, and you should stop believing everything he tells you.

I sincerely hope the Russian gets him to the altar, but I suspect that if she succeeds you'll still be determined to cling on to his ankles and wait for crumbs to fall from his table.

goddessofsmallthings · 25/10/2015 15:36

Please stop obsessing about her and start obsessing about how you're going to give your dds the life they deserve.

howtorebuild · 25/10/2015 15:36

Hopefully counselling will help your self-confidence, you deserve better, your dc deserve better. Wouldn't you like to live in a nice house? Your partner sounds destructive, in relationships and his home.

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 15:36

I've overheard him on the phone slagging her off to another staff member yet on the phone to her he's all sweetness.

OP posts:
GiddyOnZackHunt · 25/10/2015 15:38

He isn't going to leave you because right now he has his business, his house, his kids and a skivvy to look after them whilst he does exactly what he likes. And to keep his bed warm on nights he isn't with his girlfriend.
Leaving that creates problems for him. The current arrangement can carry on until he gets a replacement for you, the dc are independent or you become too broken down to be of use.
And then one day you'll be redundant so he'll change the locks. You'll be out on your ear with nothing. No home. No job. No money.

howtorebuild · 25/10/2015 15:43

I think Giddy has it right. The other scenario is you get ill and he gets ow in to replace you to care for dc, you are out in the streets.

Better you get bank details, business records etc now and find a comfortable home for you and dc.

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 15:50

I honestly don't think he will throw me out. He is a complete fucking cunt but I am still the mother of his children and this is the family home albeit a shit one. Even when the children are grown they will want to come here. He'd never sell this property anyway. It's an investment. If anything, I think he'd move out. There's too much history together for him to throw me out. He doesn't hate me, just doesn't love me. He knows the kids would hate him if he did that.

OP posts:
howtorebuild · 25/10/2015 15:50

Sadly I think you are wrong op.

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 15:54

I also don't think she'll hang around until the kids are older. She's getting a bitch on now. I am a threat to her. I didn't stay away when I left. That pissed her off. I think he only talked about marriage to her because she was wobbling in their relationship. It was something to give her hope. He's lying to both of us.

OP posts:
popalot · 25/10/2015 15:55

Stay and fester or get the ball rolling on leaving. He's totally in control at the moment and nothing he does is in your interest. Start living life for you and the children. The OW is being abused too (he slags her off, rows with her, promises her marriage but never really will). He's living the life of riley and you are all suffering for it. Why? Don't let him have your life! Find a way of moving out with the children. Best of luck to him in a court of law. You need to document all the abuse. Every last bit of it. He ruined the relationship, not you.

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 15:56

He is getting on for 50 and it's unlikely he'll get another 28 year old. I think he is just hanging on for dear life.

OP posts:
magoria · 25/10/2015 16:01

Frankly who cares what he has told her or the state of their relationship.

He is treating you like something on the bottom of his shoe.

You deserve better.

You are the only one who can make it happen.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 25/10/2015 16:03

Chuck him out of your house! FFS, he's a complete dickhead and you are enabling his behaviour, by allowing this to continue. I could never let a man treat me this badly. Turn your emotions in to anger and please throw him out asap. I just can't believe what some people will put up with Confused