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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner has new relationship

356 replies

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 12:46

My DD a couple of months ago accidentally stumbled across evidence her dad was in a relationship with another woman. DD immediately told me and all hell broke loose. We got the number from his phone and I called her. She dodged every question and then hung up. 2 minutes later DP calls me and tells me never to call his "friends" again. I told him we knew about his OW. He was out at the time but immediately drove home to confront me. He told me we had never had a relationship, I was just the mother of his children. He had found someone that accepted he had children and lived as a family unit. He won't ever leave us or move in with her but loves her and is in a relationship with her. I had a complete breakdown. Smashed my hand through a window, had anxiety attacks and lost the will to live. I was at rock bottom and had to go into hospital. Was put on Diazapam. I have 2 DC. 8 and 11. They witnessed the whole thing and I know I'm a terrible mother for letting them see and hear everything. I was just so lost. I went to stay with my parents for a week but the kids wouldn't leave their home and school even though they hate their dad. I realise it's their stability so I moved back. He still is in that relationship with the OW. She knows what happened and I think she was actually glad I had walked out. My partner is very controlling and he owns everything. I have no job and no money. I'm trapped. I recorded him on a tablet when I was doing the school run saying to her on the phone that he wanted the relationship to last between them and to work towards marriage! He told me and the kids he would never leave us. We are a family unit. We come first. It doesn't feel like that. He hardly spends any time at the house. Just sleeps here during the week and stays with her during the weekend. He is her boss. He owns a shop and she works there. She is nearly 20 years younger. 3 years younger than me. We don't have sex since I confronted him but he sometimes comes for cuddles when things are rocky in his new relationship. He tells me he can't have sex with me but wishes he could but the OW is insecure. We are going on a guilt holiday tomorrow booked by him but he will spend all his time texting and talking to her as she is very angry he is taking his "family" on holiday. I want to be angry but I just feel so sad, lonely and lost. My kids both have councilling at school and I'm not on any medication. That made me feel weird. I just want to pretend it's not happening but my mind won't rest. I'm trapped.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 04/11/2015 22:40

"Just defy him" as if it's simple and easy!!

springydaffs · 04/11/2015 22:47

Mix56 I have found your posts valuable and insightful on this thread.

goddessofsmallthings · 04/11/2015 22:48

The OP is planning to "defy him" by getting a job/doing voluntary work, but I have little confidence that she'll be able to build her confidence in this way as, unless he is so enamoured of the ow he no longer cares what the OP gets up to while he's off minding his shop, he will inevitably take steps to ensure that she doesn't evade his control.

In short, I'm concerned that if the OP proceeds in 'baby steps' he'll ramp it up and it seems to me that adult strides are required to ensure that the OP and her dc move to a place of safety asap.

magiccatlitter · 04/11/2015 23:14

Nathalie, looks like you have an entire army of support here. Flowers

If you took the kids and went to a women's refuge I couldn't imagine them making you go with your kids back to the abuser.

Would you be willing to go to a refuge with the kids?

mix56 · 05/11/2015 08:02

AnotherEmma: You know nothing of my personal battles, I am entitled to give my opinion. & I am happy to stand corrected if I am wrong.
However, in my experience if you ring the emergency abuse number, the police do come out. You can also call them before an incident.
As for "defying". Any single escape move OP takes is in one way or another defiance.
I don't find your repeated criticism helpful in any way.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/11/2015 13:23

I am reading this thread with ever increasing horror. Op you must get out. This man is a monster.

And come on you lot. Stop squabbling and actually support the op. All this point scoring is really distracting.

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