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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner has new relationship

356 replies

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 12:46

My DD a couple of months ago accidentally stumbled across evidence her dad was in a relationship with another woman. DD immediately told me and all hell broke loose. We got the number from his phone and I called her. She dodged every question and then hung up. 2 minutes later DP calls me and tells me never to call his "friends" again. I told him we knew about his OW. He was out at the time but immediately drove home to confront me. He told me we had never had a relationship, I was just the mother of his children. He had found someone that accepted he had children and lived as a family unit. He won't ever leave us or move in with her but loves her and is in a relationship with her. I had a complete breakdown. Smashed my hand through a window, had anxiety attacks and lost the will to live. I was at rock bottom and had to go into hospital. Was put on Diazapam. I have 2 DC. 8 and 11. They witnessed the whole thing and I know I'm a terrible mother for letting them see and hear everything. I was just so lost. I went to stay with my parents for a week but the kids wouldn't leave their home and school even though they hate their dad. I realise it's their stability so I moved back. He still is in that relationship with the OW. She knows what happened and I think she was actually glad I had walked out. My partner is very controlling and he owns everything. I have no job and no money. I'm trapped. I recorded him on a tablet when I was doing the school run saying to her on the phone that he wanted the relationship to last between them and to work towards marriage! He told me and the kids he would never leave us. We are a family unit. We come first. It doesn't feel like that. He hardly spends any time at the house. Just sleeps here during the week and stays with her during the weekend. He is her boss. He owns a shop and she works there. She is nearly 20 years younger. 3 years younger than me. We don't have sex since I confronted him but he sometimes comes for cuddles when things are rocky in his new relationship. He tells me he can't have sex with me but wishes he could but the OW is insecure. We are going on a guilt holiday tomorrow booked by him but he will spend all his time texting and talking to her as she is very angry he is taking his "family" on holiday. I want to be angry but I just feel so sad, lonely and lost. My kids both have councilling at school and I'm not on any medication. That made me feel weird. I just want to pretend it's not happening but my mind won't rest. I'm trapped.

OP posts:
NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 16:03

He did ruin it didn't he. I will start to stand on my own two feet. I have started having coffee mornings with some mums from school. Believe me that's a massive step for me. I would usually just come home and do housework. Worrying that he'll ask me where I've been and what did we do. He used to accuse me of sleeping with people. Sorry for my bad language before in one of my posts. I'm not usually like that.

OP posts:
howtorebuild · 25/10/2015 16:04

Nat, have coffee mornings in your own new home.

BlackbirdsInaPie · 25/10/2015 16:06

Are you married, OP? It gives you more rights & protections. If not, there are still things you can do.

Contact CAB or Woman's Aid.

summerwinterton · 25/10/2015 16:07

so you are waiting for him and her to finish and then everything will be ok again?

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 16:10

I really would love to. I dream about it. My own place. But london rents are so high in my area. I'll never ever afford it. The best I can really hope for is him to move out. Me build a life. Get a life. Stop hanging on. Just be me again with my children. In a way I wish he would move in with her. I'd be free. I feel a lot better when he stays away for long periods. When he comes back it upsets my mind all over again.

OP posts:
howtorebuild · 25/10/2015 16:15

Then move to a cheaper area, you made friends once you can do it again.

CheersMedea · 25/10/2015 16:15

I have nothing to do with his shop. Never seen it. He won't tell me where it is although I have found out through Google. It's a complete secret.

This is awful. How can you live with this?

He is getting on for 50 and it's unlikely he'll get another 28 year old.

Don't be silly. A 50 year old man who wants to date a younger woman will always find one somewhere. This is irrelevant to you though. You need to focus on yourself and your life and get away from this man.

It can't be good for your children to be brought up in this kind of environment. Their father is owns/ runs a shop and won't even tell their mother where it is. FFS. They will grow up with the most appalling trust issues.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 25/10/2015 16:17

Seriously don't put too much faith in the 'mother of his children' role. People do appalling things to the parents of their dc. Friend of mine with a controlling dp was locked out of the home with nothing. Her and her dc.

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 16:19

I've got to get through this holiday starting tomorrow. I'm very anxious about it. We haven't spent time as a "family" for months. I feel like I don't know him anymore. I know I'll have fun with the kids but he is like the outcast now. We all know where he would rather be. He'll be texting and going off to call her. It doesn't feel right anymore.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 25/10/2015 16:32

So don't go on holiday with him. Let him take the dc and see how much time he gets to text/call the Russian doll and you'll have no distractions, and plenty of time, to make contact with Women's Aid and see a solicitor.

Do your dps also live in London and is renting more affordable where they are?

gamerchick · 25/10/2015 16:39

Have you posted about him before? The secret shop is familiar.

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 16:45

My parents live in a small town in Warwickshire. I couldn't go back. I've been in London too long. It would be on even more distress. This is the first time I've posted on here so someone else must have a secret shop too.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 25/10/2015 16:57

I remember the secret shop. He's an unbelievable bastard. Don't go on holiday with him!

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 17:03

I can't not go. The kids would be heartbroken. They have no connection with their dad. Nothing to talk about. I'm the only thing holding this "family" together. When I left after the breakdown my kids suffered terribly. Their dad hardly spoke to them.

OP posts:
Verypissedoffwife · 25/10/2015 17:13

Hoe can Warwickshire possibly be more distressing than living in a shit hole with a man who's opening fucking another woman and then has the audacity to suggest a threesome? And you're going on holiday with him??

Verypissedoffwife · 25/10/2015 17:14

You need to sort this out. You're kids are in therapy.

Savagebeauty · 25/10/2015 17:16

Are you going to listen to any of this advice? People have given you lots of support but you seem to be dismissing it.

timelytess · 25/10/2015 17:19

He is a complete fucking cunt
Well spotted.
Now, I don't care about the OW, or what he's promised her, you or the children.
Your mental state is being adversely affected by being with this man. That makes life more difficult for your children, who need you.
Do what you need to do to organise a life for yourself and your children without him.

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 17:28

I am listening to the advice and it's greatly appreciated. I'm not dismissing it. Just very down today. Plus I'm really frightened about the future. I know mentally it will ruin me if I stick this put. I've only just managed to control my anxiety attacks. I lost over a stone in weight and I'm just beginning to put it back on. I'm starting to feel slightly like me again. I will get help.

OP posts:
ScarletRuby2 · 25/10/2015 17:44

OP What was your parents relationship like? I'm guessing that it wasn't great because your mother has recognised some trauma bonding in you (what used to be called Stokholm Sydrome) and knows what's going on in your relationship but isn't supporting you to leave. If they have modelled this sort of relationship to you think what you are modelling to your daughter

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 17:53

My parents relationship has been loveless for as long as I can remember. They just live together. You can tell there is just nothing there. My parents have begged and pleaded with me to leave but they knew that it was falling on deaf ears. I just would not listen. They have said for years and years that I should leave. All they want is for me to leave and be happy. They would come and collect us right now even though they live far away. They know that they cannot force me. I have very strong love and support from them but ultimately the decision lies with me.

OP posts:
NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 18:00

I know DP's dad did the same thing to his family too.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 25/10/2015 18:02

OP, I'm going to be blunt. You're being emotionally abusive to your children by going on this holiday. They're going to think mummy and daddy are back together! That's too much emotional turmoil!

ScarletRuby2 · 25/10/2015 18:03

Listen, people on here can give you all the advice in the world, they will tell you that you should leave, because of course that's what you should do. BUT, you're not going to leave until you're ready.

The problem is waiting until you're ready means he gets more time to demolish your self-confidence, to make you feel worthless, to reinforce the fear that you will be a failure without him. So what happens is you're not readying yourself, you are just allowing the trauma bonds to tighten until they strangle you.

The thing here is your children are in an abusive relationship and it's your duty to protect them and that sometimes means making decisions on their behalf.

WombOfOnesOwn · 25/10/2015 18:06

In a few months or years, when the OW wants kids, he'll drop you and yours like a hot potato. Better to prepare the kids for it now and be kind about it, because when he does it, he'll take off and you'll be lucky to get a text or email. If he'd had the OW around for ten years and said he'd never leave, maybe he'd have some kind of point about at least being some sort of reliable provider. As it is, they're still in a relationship with less time in it than most people have before they move in together. Trust me on this, you're going to get ditched and you won't have the faintest idea when it'll happen unless you take control of it.