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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner has new relationship

356 replies

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 12:46

My DD a couple of months ago accidentally stumbled across evidence her dad was in a relationship with another woman. DD immediately told me and all hell broke loose. We got the number from his phone and I called her. She dodged every question and then hung up. 2 minutes later DP calls me and tells me never to call his "friends" again. I told him we knew about his OW. He was out at the time but immediately drove home to confront me. He told me we had never had a relationship, I was just the mother of his children. He had found someone that accepted he had children and lived as a family unit. He won't ever leave us or move in with her but loves her and is in a relationship with her. I had a complete breakdown. Smashed my hand through a window, had anxiety attacks and lost the will to live. I was at rock bottom and had to go into hospital. Was put on Diazapam. I have 2 DC. 8 and 11. They witnessed the whole thing and I know I'm a terrible mother for letting them see and hear everything. I was just so lost. I went to stay with my parents for a week but the kids wouldn't leave their home and school even though they hate their dad. I realise it's their stability so I moved back. He still is in that relationship with the OW. She knows what happened and I think she was actually glad I had walked out. My partner is very controlling and he owns everything. I have no job and no money. I'm trapped. I recorded him on a tablet when I was doing the school run saying to her on the phone that he wanted the relationship to last between them and to work towards marriage! He told me and the kids he would never leave us. We are a family unit. We come first. It doesn't feel like that. He hardly spends any time at the house. Just sleeps here during the week and stays with her during the weekend. He is her boss. He owns a shop and she works there. She is nearly 20 years younger. 3 years younger than me. We don't have sex since I confronted him but he sometimes comes for cuddles when things are rocky in his new relationship. He tells me he can't have sex with me but wishes he could but the OW is insecure. We are going on a guilt holiday tomorrow booked by him but he will spend all his time texting and talking to her as she is very angry he is taking his "family" on holiday. I want to be angry but I just feel so sad, lonely and lost. My kids both have councilling at school and I'm not on any medication. That made me feel weird. I just want to pretend it's not happening but my mind won't rest. I'm trapped.

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NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 14:14

He is very sexually orientated with me but not the OW. I think he just found somebody to hang out with. I record their conversations when I go out. I know I shouldn't. They argue alot and they have ended it a couple of times. Not for long though.

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TattieHowkerz · 25/10/2015 14:23

What do you want Nathalie? People here can't turn your so called partner into a different person.
He is treating you and your kids terribly. He has no respect for you. He has no respect for your history together. There is nothing positive to say.

Either you accept this man as he is or you find a way to end the relationship. Yes, it will be hard. But life will be much better when he isn't ruling it.

TattieHowkerz · 25/10/2015 14:25

I'd also suggest you contact women's aid for support. They will help even if he isn't physically abusive. It seems like you are so ground down by him that you are struggling to see how awful this situation is.

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 14:26

Does anyone think it's possible to still live together but separate. See it through until the kids are older. I think that's what he wants and in time I could accept it. He keeps giving me hope though.

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TattieHowkerz · 25/10/2015 14:28

Why would you want that? You'd be his unpaid servant, with little chance of moving forward in your life.

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 14:29

I struggle to meet new people because he is never in to look after the kids. He's out every night. If he's not at his business he's with her.

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Verypissedoffwife · 25/10/2015 14:32

Why would you want to do that? He's a vile man, your home is a shit tip and your kids are miserable. If you left you could live near your family and see them whenever you wanted to and live in a nice home.

TattieHowkerz · 25/10/2015 14:32

Maybe it would be better if you lived separately. Your family could then babysit sometimes. Or he would have the kids.

magoria · 25/10/2015 14:38

Try talking to your family and moving nearer them.

Would you suggest your DD live like this with a man?

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 14:43

I don't work because I have no one to take care of the kids. No qualifications bar gcse's. I haven't worked for 13 years. I had my DD at 19. DS at 22. I've just been mum since then. Their dad will never ever help. I can't live with my parents. My brother lives with them and my DP would fight hard to get them back. I have sought legal advice and I basically got laughed at. He is financially stable. Has the family home. They grew up here. Successful. It's just a mess.

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FredaMayor · 25/10/2015 14:43

NN, it is happening and you have not faced reality. Your relationship with OH is dying a long and grisly death and you are putting up barriers to yourself as to why you can't put it out of its misery.

One of the barriers you have created is your DC - frankly they will have to accept your split and living arrangements after that, hopefully they will appreciate the inevitable improvement. Get some strong RL help for you and DC until you can get a grip on the situation for yourself.

Friendlystories · 25/10/2015 14:45

Please don't deceive yourself that the kids are better off if you stay together, trust me they're not. Kids learn about relationships from the example you set, how are they going to have healthy relationships as adults when what you and their dad have shown them is so dysfunctional? Posting here is your first step to getting strong enough to sort this out, please take the advice you're being given, speak to Women's Aid and get some legal advice, your children shouldn't have to live like this and neither should you.

Friendlystories · 25/10/2015 14:48

Sorry cross posted, if you got laughed at by whoever you got legal advice from you were at the wrong solicitors, Women's Aid will be able to point you in the direction of someone decent who specialises in family law, there is a way out of this you just need some help to find it.

Verypissedoffwife · 25/10/2015 14:51

You'd get benefits if you left. You'd probably struggle with maintenance though. How could it possibly worse than this?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 25/10/2015 14:53

How do you record their conversations?

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 14:53

Why did he tell us he isn't going to move in with her or leave us, but told her the other day he wanted to work towards marriage. He hasn't met her family (she's Russian) but her sister lives near. She hasn't met his. She hasn't met the kids and they don't want to meet her. I know because of her insecurities she's wobbling on their relationship.

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NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 14:55

I set up a tablet in our bedroom and another in the hall to record conversations. They seem to always be having problems. Not loving conversations.

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Verypissedoffwife · 25/10/2015 14:56

Because he's a bloody liar! You can't trust him he's made it crystal clear to you.

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 14:57

Do you think he will eventually leave us?

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Verypissedoffwife · 25/10/2015 14:57

It doesn't matter what their relationship is like - if it wasn't her it would be someone else.

Verypissedoffwife · 25/10/2015 14:58

Probably but it should be you leaving him

summerwinterton · 25/10/2015 15:03

he already has left you

Verypissedoffwife · 25/10/2015 15:04

Why don't you look on rightmove at rental properties near your family? Just get an idea of the possibilities. You could all be so much happier. If you look on "turn2us" you'd get an idea of the benefits you'd be entitled to. You wouldn't starve or be out on the streets. Don't wait for him to make the decision for you.

Are there any cultural issues here? Because I don't understand why you think you wouldn't be better off without him. Are you in the UK?

goddessofsmallthings · 25/10/2015 15:04

I have sought legal advice and I basically got laughed at Where did you seek legal advice? From a solicitor who specialises in family law?

I don't work because I have no one to take care of the kids You can't be so divorced from the world that you're not aware of after school clubs, and your eldest dc is coming to an age when she can come home on her own and get on with her homework or do a small chore or two before you get home from work. In any event, you could do part-time work during the hours the dc are at school or advertise your services as a cleaner.

The twunt is all about bluff and bluster to keep you in line. If you left him no he would threaten to"fight hard to get them back" but he wouldn't shell out several thousand+ for court proceedings because having the dc living with him would cramp his style and who would he get to care for them while he's out working all hours?

You're barely 30 with most probably another 60 years ahead of you. FFS break free of this abusive relationship for the sake of your mental health and that of your dc.

Get in contact with your local Women's Aid branch, tell them what you've said here, ask them to recommend a solicitor, and enrol on the Freedom Programme. www.womensaid.org.uk

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 15:06

Summer Winterton how has he already left? He hasn't moved in with her..

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