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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner has new relationship

356 replies

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 12:46

My DD a couple of months ago accidentally stumbled across evidence her dad was in a relationship with another woman. DD immediately told me and all hell broke loose. We got the number from his phone and I called her. She dodged every question and then hung up. 2 minutes later DP calls me and tells me never to call his "friends" again. I told him we knew about his OW. He was out at the time but immediately drove home to confront me. He told me we had never had a relationship, I was just the mother of his children. He had found someone that accepted he had children and lived as a family unit. He won't ever leave us or move in with her but loves her and is in a relationship with her. I had a complete breakdown. Smashed my hand through a window, had anxiety attacks and lost the will to live. I was at rock bottom and had to go into hospital. Was put on Diazapam. I have 2 DC. 8 and 11. They witnessed the whole thing and I know I'm a terrible mother for letting them see and hear everything. I was just so lost. I went to stay with my parents for a week but the kids wouldn't leave their home and school even though they hate their dad. I realise it's their stability so I moved back. He still is in that relationship with the OW. She knows what happened and I think she was actually glad I had walked out. My partner is very controlling and he owns everything. I have no job and no money. I'm trapped. I recorded him on a tablet when I was doing the school run saying to her on the phone that he wanted the relationship to last between them and to work towards marriage! He told me and the kids he would never leave us. We are a family unit. We come first. It doesn't feel like that. He hardly spends any time at the house. Just sleeps here during the week and stays with her during the weekend. He is her boss. He owns a shop and she works there. She is nearly 20 years younger. 3 years younger than me. We don't have sex since I confronted him but he sometimes comes for cuddles when things are rocky in his new relationship. He tells me he can't have sex with me but wishes he could but the OW is insecure. We are going on a guilt holiday tomorrow booked by him but he will spend all his time texting and talking to her as she is very angry he is taking his "family" on holiday. I want to be angry but I just feel so sad, lonely and lost. My kids both have councilling at school and I'm not on any medication. That made me feel weird. I just want to pretend it's not happening but my mind won't rest. I'm trapped.

OP posts:
NuttyNathalie · 04/11/2015 12:55

I'd also just like to share with you something he said a few days ago.. He said i wish you could meet up with her pretending to be someone else, just a friend, get drunk and have a threesome together. That's how he thinks. Just thought I'd share.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 04/11/2015 13:54

What did you think of mix56's post Natalie?
Re

Take photos of the house, (Do have a phone or camera?) & catalogue the state of the house.
Make a list of the treatment starting from age 16
No key,(locked in) no money, no allowance, no child benefit, returning the change, ALL of the unpaid slavery & cruel treatment you have endured, keep this info for the HV & any eventual claim from him for the children.
Go to the POLICE/WA/HV/GP, & actively seek help.
CALL or email the HV today & get a home visit, & start the process of getting a history of trying to get help for you AND your children. S/he will be able to verify the state of the house. tell her your story, ALL OF IT (which is why you make a list before to not leave anything out), she can point you in the right direction for help. She is there to help.
Yes you had a breakdown, but no judge would give him custody of the children, he is a monster & you can prove it.

I don't want to put too fine a point of this but it is likely he plans to move you out and move OW in. So you need to get cracking on boxing your Cass to prove he is not a fit parent and that the children shouldn't be living in a house with him.

Are you hearing?

mix56 · 04/11/2015 13:54

he is so entitled... he debases you continually, you have no confidence or self respect. It will never stop

springydaffs · 04/11/2015 13:55
  • build your case
NuttyNathalie · 04/11/2015 14:15

I am hearing and I am doing it. I have dug out an assessment done by SS back when my son was born and my DD was 2. GP has my maternity notes which also state about the terrible situation. I can get hold of all the evidence I need. He won't move her in to the family home. Please just believe me. She would run a mile if she saw this place. I can get the hospital reports of when he broke my nose. He insists he didn't break it, just knocked it. The DC's schools have had run ins with him in the past. I have it covered. I will take pictures also of the house.

OP posts:
NuttyNathalie · 04/11/2015 14:24

If he does anything serious with OW he knows he will have lost his children. My DD said she will move to her Grandma's house (she knows her step son is doing this to us) I will go there too. Just for a short while. My children have said if he marries OW or moves her in they want nothing to do with him or her. I will probably have to go to a refuge if I outstay my welcome at their grandmother's.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 04/11/2015 15:40

Why were SS involved when your ds was born? What did the assessment conclude?

springydaffs · 04/11/2015 15:42

How did you get ss off your back if all that stuff was going on and the house was a mess?

Do what mix 56 says and write a list - there so much of it is easy to forget.

I believe he wouldn't move her in with the house the way it is but I can also see him doing it up to receive his princess (not that she is a princess, more a skank) and moving you out so she slots into your place.

I also wouldn't put money on it that DC would refuse to live with her - kids can easily be seduced, influenced, brainwashed. And he is certainly capable of brainwashing them about you: "mummy is mad, kids, a bad mum - remember when she put her hand through the window" etc etc. Then hell like on the tears and all that money will come poring out to buy them - miss are so easily turned by that stuff. The kids also know rather a lot about what's going on it seems - which is damaging for them.

Anyway, a refuge right now wouldn't be a bad idea. Then you can get genned up about domestic abuse, do all the courses, so you know how to protect yourself, and therefore your kids, in future.

Keep going lovely Flowers

springydaffs · 04/11/2015 15:45
  • then he'll turn on the charm and be a lovely kind daddy and all that money will come pouring out - kids are easily turned by that stuff
NameChange30 · 04/11/2015 15:48

Calling the OW a "skank". Classy. Hmm

NuttyNathalie · 04/11/2015 16:06

Godessofsmall things I can't quite remember why SS were involved. I know I told my GP I was planning to leave him and it all sort of escalated. My HV informed SS I think. My "P" wouldn't let me have a say in my DS name. (He wanted to call him after his father) I hated the name and it caused so many horrible viscous arguments that I just wanted to give birth and run. The assessment concluded that although it wasn't a good relationship, it was a stable one. For now.. kind of like, let's wait and see.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 04/11/2015 16:06

Erm Emma, we're looking at a woman who has been kept a prisoner in a shithole for years and years and you're worried about the term skank? The OW is 28, old enough to know what's going on here. Unlike Nathalie who was 16 when the monster got his claws into her.

NuttyNathalie · 04/11/2015 16:07

They didn't comment on the state of the house when they came round which I thought was odd. Not in the reports either.

OP posts:
NuttyNathalie · 04/11/2015 16:17

Springy daffy thank you. I was young and naive when I met him. I hadn't had a proper BF ever. I had never experienced any of the feelings I got when I met him. He literally swept me off my feet. Swanky meals, trips abroad, weekends in London. Theatres. For a 16 year old it was like my dreams had come true. 17th birthday he took me to Amsterdam. Showed me the prostitutes. Talked to some of them. Told me he would like to see me use one. I should have run away then.. I was hooked though. I come from a small town and he'd shown me the world and the intensity he'd given me I didn't want to give it up. He knew I was the perfect victim. Young, vulnerable, small town girl.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 04/11/2015 16:23

springy
"The OW is 28, old enough to know what's going on here."
I don't care how old she is, there's no need to call her nasty names. I always hate it when people do that. It's bad enough when there's no abuse involved but in this case she could well be another victim. Of course she's in the wrong, but he is about 1000% more in the wrong. Let's not stoop to his level (or their level, if you insist) with nasty name-calling.

springydaffs · 04/11/2015 16:30

I'm finding your stance rather twee Emma but no matter, each to their own I suppose.

NuttyNathalie · 04/11/2015 16:35

Anotheremma I know this sounds strange but even though I despise the OW, a teeny tiny part of me wishes I could warn her that at some point, don't know when, she's going to get on a roller coaster that needs medication and a breakdown to get off. I am more accepting now that he belongs to her and she is welcome to him and all his issues. Myself and the kids are my priority.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 04/11/2015 16:37

"twee"? wtf?! so not wanting to insult women is "twee" now?!!
I hate all the insults that are invariably used for women and never men. In this case, the man is a vile, abusive, violent bully, but no, it's the OW we have to insult. Hmm

NameChange30 · 04/11/2015 16:38

Cross-posted. Nutty it doesn't sound strange at all. And I think you have you priorities just right. Smile

springydaffs · 04/11/2015 16:40

You don't have to if you don't want to Emma. But I will be.

You've made your point.

NameChange30 · 04/11/2015 16:41

"You've made your point." And apparently you want the last word!

springydaffs · 04/11/2015 16:41

Tick from the headmistress op. Jolly good.

springydaffs · 04/11/2015 16:44

Next thread, Nathalie, you can take off the Nutty in your NN . we wouldn't want you giving totally a derogatory name, especially as you are far from it Wink

springydaffs · 04/11/2015 16:45
  • yourself!
mix56 · 04/11/2015 16:55

I think you are seeing the light Nutty, its all becoming clear: plan, organise meetings & get yourself in a good place mentally. Then you leave. To be honest, the kids should stay with you, them going to the granny, is the wrong side of the family. & I don't see letting an 11 & 8 year old dictate where they live as acceptable. You are their mother, their primary care giver, & YOU decide, it's not negotiable. At the moment they aren't really even believing this is going to happen.
Their father is not going to move in OW, she would run a mile. If he wanted to set her up he would have put her in one of his other properties, he hasn't !
He clearly has a screw loose anyway, who owns London properties & leaves them to rot rather than rent them ? Who lives in a hovel willingly ?
He has his business to run, He won't be looking after the kids, or paying someone else to do it. Its a method of controlling you. (I doubt he has much money at all.)