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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner has new relationship

356 replies

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 12:46

My DD a couple of months ago accidentally stumbled across evidence her dad was in a relationship with another woman. DD immediately told me and all hell broke loose. We got the number from his phone and I called her. She dodged every question and then hung up. 2 minutes later DP calls me and tells me never to call his "friends" again. I told him we knew about his OW. He was out at the time but immediately drove home to confront me. He told me we had never had a relationship, I was just the mother of his children. He had found someone that accepted he had children and lived as a family unit. He won't ever leave us or move in with her but loves her and is in a relationship with her. I had a complete breakdown. Smashed my hand through a window, had anxiety attacks and lost the will to live. I was at rock bottom and had to go into hospital. Was put on Diazapam. I have 2 DC. 8 and 11. They witnessed the whole thing and I know I'm a terrible mother for letting them see and hear everything. I was just so lost. I went to stay with my parents for a week but the kids wouldn't leave their home and school even though they hate their dad. I realise it's their stability so I moved back. He still is in that relationship with the OW. She knows what happened and I think she was actually glad I had walked out. My partner is very controlling and he owns everything. I have no job and no money. I'm trapped. I recorded him on a tablet when I was doing the school run saying to her on the phone that he wanted the relationship to last between them and to work towards marriage! He told me and the kids he would never leave us. We are a family unit. We come first. It doesn't feel like that. He hardly spends any time at the house. Just sleeps here during the week and stays with her during the weekend. He is her boss. He owns a shop and she works there. She is nearly 20 years younger. 3 years younger than me. We don't have sex since I confronted him but he sometimes comes for cuddles when things are rocky in his new relationship. He tells me he can't have sex with me but wishes he could but the OW is insecure. We are going on a guilt holiday tomorrow booked by him but he will spend all his time texting and talking to her as she is very angry he is taking his "family" on holiday. I want to be angry but I just feel so sad, lonely and lost. My kids both have councilling at school and I'm not on any medication. That made me feel weird. I just want to pretend it's not happening but my mind won't rest. I'm trapped.

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NuttyNathalie · 03/11/2015 17:27

Just been reading about controlling abusive narcissists. It him to a T! Thank god he's slightly leaving me alone now and moved on to his next victim. We will be free one day.

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goddessofsmallthings · 03/11/2015 17:38

How can you say he's 'slightly' leaving you alone when you were having sex with him last week and there's no reason to suppose you won't be doing so again when he returns from his jaunt with the ow?

If you do the Freedom Programme online it will cost £10. Do you have a bank/credit card? www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Btw, what's with the locked downstairs toilet that serves as a storage room for him? Is he Bluebeard? I would have picked the locked a long time ago.

NuttyNathalie · 03/11/2015 17:39

I've got too much time on my hands AnotherEmma. Thoughts just go round and round endlessly. I'm finding it hard to sleep and I'm losing weight again through loss of appetite. I didn't realise how isolated I was until this happened. I'm going out with a friend for coffee and start spending more time being proactive! Deep breath... let's do this!

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goddessofsmallthings · 03/11/2015 17:46

Who's getting the shopping while he's away? Did he leave you stocked up for every eventuality or did he leave you some cash to buy the necessaries?

NuttyNathalie · 03/11/2015 17:47

Godessofsmall things he seemed to believe he was doing me a favour by having sex with me. The cuddles are for my benefit too apparently. To make me feel better about the situation. It won't happen again. He'll get the message. As for the cupboard situation, I managed to nick his key the other day while he slept. It's stacked chest high with crap. Lots of business related rubbish. Not interested in that. Unopened business mail. I couldn't really see much of interest without it all collapsing on me. It's dusty and it smells in there. It's his old flat that I really want to get into!

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NuttyNathalie · 03/11/2015 17:50

He got everything we needed before he went. He leaves £60 emergency money but I'm not to touch it other than that. My parents give me a small allowance every month but they are not well off and my dad is retiring in a few months. £40 a month on me will be alot for him on a pension.

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goddessofsmallthings · 03/11/2015 18:14

It's not only ludicrous it's reprehensible that your dps have been funding you to the tune of £40 a month. Tell the cunt him that you sent the emergency money to your dps because their boiler broke down or some such.

Do you have a bank account? Who gets the child benefit for your 2 dcs?

howtorebuild · 03/11/2015 18:21

I would as your parent pay the ten pounds for the freedom programme.

NuttyNathalie · 03/11/2015 18:26

Howtorebuild my parents will do anything to help me. Financial support emotional support. My mum is my best friend. The child benefit gets paid into my account but as soon as it comes in I have to give it to him. He calls me a thief if I forget. If he leaves money for anything else he demands a receipt for it and all the change back.

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moggiek · 03/11/2015 18:50

springdaffs - cheers. I rtft, every last word, before I posted.

NameChange30 · 03/11/2015 20:03

The more you tell us, the more heartbreaking it is.
For the love of God get counselling, do the freedom programme, call the Women's Aid national helpline (if it was the local one that was so unhelpful last time?), and GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM.

NuttyNathalie · 03/11/2015 20:17

Anotheremma that is just the tip of the iceberg. When I moved to London he didn't give me a front door key for 4 years. The only time I could go out was with him.

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NameChange30 · 03/11/2015 20:29

It makes me want to drive over to you, collect you and your kids, and take you to the nearest refuge. I bet your parents would do it if you let them.

howtorebuild · 03/11/2015 20:32

Did you tell this to people when you had the breakdown?

NuttyNathalie · 03/11/2015 20:55

Anotheremma my parents would drop everything right now to do it. I know they would do anything for me but ultimately they know the situation I'm in. My P is a complete evil bastard and he will do everything he can to take the children. He doesn't want them but to spite me he'll make me suffer. I have to do this right. I forgot to mention that my brother lives with my parents too so the courts would also note that the kids have to share a living space with 4 adults in a 3 bed house.
Howtorebuild the paramedics were so wonderful to me. Kept telling me that getting help was the first step to recovery. Calling them meant I wanted help. I told them alot but not all. He kept lifting my chin up because I was in tears hanging my head in shame. They were so lovely to me. Needless to say all the info was passed onto SS.

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showsomeclass · 03/11/2015 21:01

Sorry - why are you still with him?

NuttyNathalie · 03/11/2015 21:06

Showsomeclass I am trapped until I can stand on my own two feet. He controls every aspect of my life. I have no job, no money, not entitled to anything. Because of my breakdown the courts may deem me an unfit mother. I lose.

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CityMole · 03/11/2015 21:23

But he surely caused or at least contributed to your breakdown.....
I hope you get the strength to challenge this awful bully of a man and to start living your life away from his control. His abuse.

NuttyNathalie · 03/11/2015 21:31

City mole he was the ONLY cause of my breakdown Sad I too hope I can get some strength. Day by day. It might be worth me trying to forget he exists. He is here so little anyway.

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magiccatlitter · 03/11/2015 22:24

Can you go for a free advice from a solicitor? Him taking the kids is speculation right now and a mental health incident doesn't make you an unfit parent.

You say that the house is a mess right now. Are there things you can sell and put the money in your own private account?

springydaffs · 04/11/2015 01:48

DV agencies will help you to build a case that shows how deeply he has controlled you. The facts - his abuse - also shed light on your breakdown.

Non-violent domestic abuse is now an offence in law. You have acres of evidence he has severely abused and controlled you. These are the facts that need to be highlighted to show he is an unfit parent. In fact I think ss would have something to say about the children living in any home with him.

You need to get onto the right agencies eg Women's Aid, Freedom Programme [also GP, HV] to start building your case: that you have been a totally kept woman, entirely in his power at every level ; that he chose you precisely bcs you were very young; that he has now moved on to his next victim - and even expects you to support him in his new relationship eg by not 'upsetting' her.

Bcs of the type of person he is - a predator - and also bcs of his iron control, I would fear the future iiwy. Which is why you must get on and build your case with the right professionals asap to ensure you keep the children/the children are protected from him.

springydaffs · 04/11/2015 02:00

It is better to go to the Freedom Programme in person. Real life somehow works better than reading about it - and I think you need as much real life experience as possible to counterbalance your long experience with him as your jailer.

You say you're so far north of London you are practically at the M1 so look for Freedom Programme groups in surrounding counties. I'm not sure of the geography but Barnet, Herts, Bucks for example? Call their helpline (on their homepage) to ask which groups are nearest to your actual address.

mix56 · 04/11/2015 07:28

Take photos of the house, (Do have a phone or camera?) & catalogue the state of the house.
Make a list of the treatment starting from age 16
No key,(locked in) no money, no allowance, no child benefit, returning the change, ALL of the unpaid slavery & cruel treatment you have endured, keep this info for the HV & any eventual claim from him for the children.
Go to the POLICE/WA/HV/GP, & actively seek help.
CALL or email the HV today & get a home visit, & start the process of getting a history of trying to get help for you AND your children. S/he will be able to verify the state of the house. tell her your story, ALL OF IT (which is why you make a list before to not leave anything out), she can point you in the right direction for help. She is there to help.
Yes you had a breakdown, but no judge would give him custody of the children, he is a monster & you can prove it.

NO ONE is going to do it for you. You must grab your anger & your courage & DO IT ALONE. Yes, welcome to adulthood. it won't be easy, but your DO have loving supportive family. & stop looking for reasons why you can't stop this, you can.

NuttyNathalie · 04/11/2015 10:43

Positive day today. I'm going to see my GP tomorrow to arrange councilling and I'm looking into doing courses to better my education and I'm going to volunteer at a local charity shop to get experience. Working is impossible at the moment while my children are this age. I would have to only work term time and week days. I need something extremely flexible. I know all that must seem rubbish but it's a huge step to a more positive outlook. Plus it will show on my future CV that I've not just been sitting on my arse.

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mix56 · 04/11/2015 12:52

Good, you could get a part time job however, the children are not babies. millions of women work & juggle families.
Of course P is going to make any job outside the home as difficult for you as possible. he will not want you meeting people & having any money.